Wednesday


TV Round-Up


There were more Chloe Sevigny breastices from Hit and Miss in episode 4



  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.

OTHER CRAP:

Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.










 

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man

1991 camp classic

1080p clips

Bobbie Tyler



Chelsea Field



Mitzi Martin




Scoop's notes:

"If there is a heaven and a God, hey, I'd like to meet the dude and hang out with him"

 - the Mickey Rourke philosophy -

I think Road House is probably the most comparable movie to Harley/Marlboro, because they both have unbelievable over-the-top villainy, the violent death of the best friends of the protagonists, absurd macho posturing, hilariously (intentionally??) bad dialogue, cartoon violence, and professional wrestlers in the cast (I guess Terry Funk was too old for this one, but they got Big John Studd to fill in nicely). It's appropriate that they used wrestlers in the cast, because you'll see that this movie could, in fact, be a running plot thread for the WWE. If you told me Vince McMahon wrote it, I wouldn't be surprised for a minute.

Where to begin? Biker Mickey Rourke (Harley Davidson) and sharpshootin' rodeo cowpoke Don Johnson (the Marlboro Man) have a good friend, an elderly father figure, who is about to lose his road house, which is trapped among skyscrapers in the middle of a future Burbank. The suits want to tear it down and build another skyscraper. The lovable geezer's lease expires in two weeks, and the bank wants $2.5 million cash for a new five-year lease. Our penniless heroes have only one choice, of course. They have to rob that very bank to pay off the lease.

They rob an appropriate armored car, but are immediately confronted by two surprises:

1) The armored car's back-up is five guys in bulletproof Kevlar overcoats (including a lesser Baldwin). Since they arrive in their limo within about a minute of the heist, one assumes that they drive around LA all day long in these long overcoats, carrying their automatic weapons.

2) Our heroes give these bulletproof guys the slip by sneaking down a manhole into a truck they had hidden in the drainage canals, only to find that instead of money they managed to hijack a zillion dollars worth of a new, dangerous, highly addictive drug.

So now they have to work a deal where they trade the drugs for some cash. The bulletproof guys do the swap uneventfully, but they show up at the Road House a few minutes later (turns out they planted a homing device in the money), and they kill everyone in there except Rourke and Johnson. This means that they slaughtered four of our boys' best friends, including the beloved geezer who owned the Roadhouse.

Now the boys are pissed, so they escape from the bulletproof guys by jumping 15 stories into a hotel pool in Vegas, while the bulletproof guys rain down machine gun fire from the roof into the pool. Did I mention that they got to Vegas in the luggage compartment of a jet? Macho guys don't worry about any of that sissy cabin pressure stuff. Then they fight back against Bulletproof Baldwin and kick his ass in an airplane graveyard, thus earning them the right to take on Mr Big - the multilingual banker who runs drugs for a living. Well, Bigster is just about to have them killed by his spare bulletproof guys when a helicopter shows up outside Big's office window and blasts away with the forward cannons, destroying all the windows and everything in the office, and killing the last of the bulletproof dudes. I didn't make that up. The lads did have $2.5 million dollars, after all, so they hired a helicopter to blast away. As movie luck would have it, the helicopter pilot had no qualms about flying up to the window of a bank CEO and slaughtering everyone in his office.

Our boys conclude their business by pushing Big out his open window, then riding off to be in a rodeo. There are no investigations of any kind. They are free to go about their business.

The one thing that keeps this movie from being as good as Roadhouse is that Roadhouse took itself seriously, and is filled with gravitas and somber declarations. I'm pretty sure the filmmakers had no idea how bad it was. On the other hand, these Harley/Marlboro guys obviously knew the movie was silly, and they hammed it up. Harley even makes cavalier jokes when their friends are slaughtered (something Patrick Swayze would never have done), although Marlboro does punch him out for doing it.

OK, so it's not as much fun as Road House, but what is? I pay it the highest compliment a bad movie can get - it is almost as much fun as Road House.

Tuna's notes:

A few points Scoop missed:

Harley leaves Texas on his bike, goes through Las Vegas, then goes over the Altamont Pass, and comes down into Burbank, California. Unfortunately, the Altamont is between Oakland and Sacramento, 400 miles north of Burbank.

Much of the action takes place in the Air Force boneyard at Davis Monthan Air Force Base in Tucson. Our boys get there by hopping a fence from the Burbank airport.

They jump 40 stories into the hotel pool, kicking their legs the entire way. If they had actually hit the water spread-legged as pictured, the actual fall would have given them massive chlorinated enemas and very sore testicles.

Although Johnson is the world's greatest shot, he isn't the world's greatest thinker. He can't figure out why he can't kill the bulletproof guys until the third shoot-out, when he finally realizes that their heads are unprotected.











 

You've already seen this if you read Other Crap, but here's the official Defoe version (untagged) of Katherine Heigl's bare ass in the deleted footage from Side Effects.

 More info here, if you missed it









Cassadaga

(2011)

Johnny's comments:

Cassadaga is a horror thriller about Lily (Kelen Coleman), a deaf girl who is still getting over the tragic death of her younger sister. She is awarded a scholarship and goes to live with Claire (Louise Fletcher) and her weirdo son Thomas. One day, a young student at one of her classes drags her single dad Mike (Kevin Alejandro) over to meet her and they click. During a date where they meet Mike's friends, they decide to go to do a seance in Cassadaga, where Lily decides to contact her sister. But, things go wrong and a vengeful ghost enters and things start to go awry for Lily. She starts seeing images of a dead woman and the only way to stop this is to stop her killer, who seems to like to turn women into puppets before killing them. Actually, I quite liked Cassadaga, it may be pretty stock standard stuff and the serial killings are pretty out there, not to mention the opening scene with a gender confused boy cutting off his penis, but it works. Kelen Coleman is really good in the lead playing a deaf girl (but not mute) and I've gotta admit I quite like the look of her. It's not perfect, but Cassadaga is definitely worth a look.

Kelen Coleman film clip (collage below)


Brooke Lawless film clip (summary below)



 









CLIPS

Stephanie Crayencour in La danse de l'albatros (2012) in 720p



Laila Lamoh in Stralsund: Blutige Faehrte (2012)



Louise Cliffe in Wrong Turn 3 (2011) in 1080p



Sonja Kinski in All God's Children Can Dance (2008)
Has any family done more for B movies than the Kinskis? They are the royal family of crap.



Judith Pinnow-SK Koelsch: Paparazzo (2003)



Nadine Spruss in Lindenstrasse F670 (1998)



Claire Borotra in Lautrec (1998)

Elsa Zylberstein in Lautrec (1998)

Azalea Davila in Primal Fear (1996)



Claudia Messner in Gewitter im Mai (1987)



Mimsy Farmer and Ornella Muti in La Ragazza di Trieste (1982)





Pics/Collages

Bai Ling in Knockdown (2010)

Alice Arno in The Perverse Countess (1974)



Tania Busselier in The Perverse Countess (1974)



Kali Hansa in The Perverse Countess (1974)




Lina Romay in The Perverse Countess (1974)