Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


  • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity Site is updated.

Dirty Love (2005)

  • Jenny McCarthy has shown her tits and has done comedy. Now, logically, she is doing them together. This film opens today in limited release (NY, LA, Chicago, and Vegas)
  • The official site has the trailer, plot summary, and what have you.
  • Here are her breasts in the film clip

 Carlito's Way: The Rise to Power

This film was originally made with an eye to theatrical distribution, but ending up going straight to video. That was probably the right decision financially, I suppose, because I don't see "Blockbuster" written over all this as a theatrical release, but it's definitely one of the best straight-to-vids ever made.

As you can undoubtedly determine, this is a prequel to Carlito's Way, a Brian DePalma film about a gangster who is released from prison and intends to go straight, but finds that a tragically difficult goal to achieve. Al Pacino brought life to Carlito, a savvy gangster with a sense of dignity and honor, a bad guy who could have been a good guy with just a slight change in the prevailing winds.

The storyline behind The Rise to Power is a bit of a disappointment to me, because it is not really the kind of prequel I expected, in that it shows Carlito at the very beginning of his criminal career, while Carlito's Way showed him at the end of his life. In that sense, The Rise to Power it is not really a prequel so much as another story with the same character. Perhaps it is just a long flashback. In effect, we now have Part 1 and Part 3 of Carlito's story, but Part 2 is missing. There's nothing wrong with that at all, except that I think Carlito's Way is a terrific film, and it whetted my appetite for the story which came before it - the story that explained how Carlito ended up in the joint, and then how he decided to go straight when he got out. I guess I'll have to keep waiting.

Given that reservation, I enjoyed Carlito's Way, despite the fact that it is very, very similar to Goodfellas. In fact, some scenes seem too similar, although this film puts a different ethnic spin on the famous Scorsese saga. Do you remember those "gimmicky cast" remakes that were so popular on Broadway a couple of decades ago, like the all-black version of The Odd Couple, or the all-Asian version of The Importance of Being Earnest? I might have imagined that second one. Anyway, the fad seems to have passed, with the possible exception of Oliver Stone's version of Alexander with an all Irish-accented cast, but The Rise to Power is sort of like a remake of Goodfellas with a multi-ethnic cast instead of the original all-Italian version. It takes place in the sixties, when heroin was first coming to Harlem, and it portrays the partnership between three criminals who met in the joint: an Italian, a Puerto Rican, and an Italian mobster. Given the ethnic boundary lines in Northern Manhattan, they form the perfect combination to distribute across the entire territory. Jay Hernandez plays the young Carlito, basically taking on the Ray Liotta role from Goodfellas, and narrating throughout.

I have to say that it all comes together pretty well. Director Michael Bregman is not very experienced, but he learned a few things from studying DePalma and Scorsese, and he assembled this film quite effectively from his own screenplay. I liked his script as well. He took the standard crime story elements, but he also layered in a complicated "sting", added some colorful and sometimes humorous details, and gave the main characters distinctive and interesting roles to play. As I said at the outset, it's one of the best straight-to-vids I've seen, and I found it an easy watch. I got sufficiently involved in the characters that I would like to see this same team fill in the missing middle part of the story.

Jacyln DeSantis

Various background strippers



Comments and zipped .avis from ICMS

Today I would like to take you back to the March 12, 2002 edition of the Fun House. The subject of our attention is Simonetta Stefanelli. The film is 1974's "Lucrezia giovane" ("Young Lucretia"), and it relates the story of the young Lucrezia Borgia at the end of the 15th century. It's one of those light-hearted 1970's films with a historical background, but the main purpose of this flick was probably to get Simonetta naked on various occasions. After all, she's the beauty who played the role of Michael Corleone's first wife in "The Godfather"!

 I saw some strange things happen in this movie. Lucrezia was already married but for political purposes she wanted to get rid of her husband and marry Alphonse of Aragon. She was a Catholic, without a divorce option, so her existing marriage had to be annulled. How does one achieve that? Well, you claim your husband is impotent and that the marriage was never consummated. And how does one prove that? Well, you have your husband brought in in a room with the bishop and other dignitaries, you put him on a bed and let two beautiful women have a go at him. The guy can't perform in public or because he doesn't feel anything for these women, so he is impotent. Voilą, one Catholic marriage annulled.

Also odd was the consummation of her second marriage to Alphonse of Aragon. The marriage was consummated in public in the presence of a whole bunch of dignitaries! I don't know whether this is historically accurate, but it certainly raised my eyebrows. I'll have to do a bit of research on that but it's probably true. Didn't French queens use to give birth in public so everybody could see that the child was theirs?

The movie ran again on Italian TV some months ago and of course I didn't let the opportunity pass to preserve it for posterity on DVD, five clips in all. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) I also have to warn you that the first 38 seconds of clip 1 are not Simonetta Stefanelli but an actress I couldn't identify. Simonetta makes her entrance when she exposes her breasts to the nuns in the courtyard of a nunnery.



Caps and comments by Dann


They made 2 direct-to-video Hellraisers in 2005, Deader, which is pretty good, and Hellworld, the eighth of the series, which is much weaker.

Computer gamers get involved playing a game at, and Pinhead takes offense. When Pinhead takes offense, everyone dies. Duh. That's a no-brainer, and for the most part, so is the movie.

As expected, there is blood and gore, with some decent special effects, and more nudity than Deader. The problem is the story isn't great, and there are no real surprises, making this one probably the worst of the eight.

Desiree Malonga


Crimson Ghost

Captures and comments from the Ghost

Kitty Winn in "Panic in Needle Park." This performance earned her the Best Actress award at Cannes.


'Caps and comments by Hankster:   


Today we put the pedal to the metal and take the old Time Machine all the way back to 1973 for "The Teaser". This one is one of those grand old Exploitation movies that we know will give us plenty of nudity and kinky sex.
First up is Sandy Dempsey who made many of these flicks in her time Here she plays a topless waitress with an attitude showing off her luscious tits. 
 Then we have Becky Sharpe, and guess what? She's a "Babe in Bondage", strung up with her arms overhead, then molested in a car by Ric Lutze. It's not really that graphic, but her boobs get nicely fondled by Ric.
Back tomorrow with more from this little slice of history and we will have the Queen of Sexploitation, Rene Bond, to ogle.


Here's a HQ version of that Juliette Lewis nipple escape. Some celebs look great in hi-def. Juliette is not one of them.
Franziska Arndt, who seems to be getting dead and naked for Senator John McCain in Das Duo
Nudity hall of famer Laura Antonelli in 1972's The Eroticist
Dayle Haddon's eerie beauty in Madame CClaude
More from Madame Claude, another beauty: Marie Deshayes
More from Madame Claude, Vibeke Knudsen
The final one Madame Claude, Ylva Setterborg
Here is a high quality look at a recent incident involving Debra Messing falling out of her bikini.
Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap

Hurricane benefit concert called off - on account of hurricane

How did I miss these for Talk Like a Pirate Day? Very few people know that the original English word was "swishbucklers."


The FBI did not consider John Lennon a threat since he was always "too stoned to be a real revolutionary." I'm pretty sure that's true, and I'm surprised the FBI was perceptive enough to realize it.

Tom Sizemore's porno film to come to DVD

Borowitz: "KATE MOSS SCORES ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH COLOMBIAN DRUG CARTEL" ... Supermodel to Become the New Face of Cocaine, Says Drug Lord

  • "According to those familiar with the deal, Ms. Moss signed a three-year contract for eight million dollars, with a street value of forty million."

Mr Peterman kicks some dancing Playmate ass.

The trailer for the independent drama, Dandelion

How Microsoft really can 'kill' Google. Or try to.

Hollywood Marketing Non-Religious Films Through Churches. I'm not sure they should be promoting that new golf movie. Seems to me that golf and religion are competitors, at least for mankind's Sunday mornings.

"If I only have one life, let me live it as a blonde" ... Tiger Woods

"BUSH REACHES OUT AND IN . . . & REMAPS THE SOLAR SYSTEM! ... FLY ME TO THE RUMMY . . . President Bush says the planets' new names are more familiar to the American people and easier to remember.

Bush Family Arrest & Prison Survival Guide: With Family Values Poster Children Jenna, Barbara, Noelle, Jebby and George P. Bush (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)

The trailer for The Family Stone

  • "A man brings his ice-queen girlfriend home for Christmas to meet his eccentric family. Overwhelmed by the hostile reception, the girlfriend begs her sister to join her for emotional support, only to trigger more problems."

The trailer from the sequel that just had to be made: Cheaper by the Dozen 2. Speaking of Steve Martin, the Pink Panther remake has been scheduled for a February 10 release, if you want to clear your calendar.

Six clips from Into the Blue (Sharks and Alba)

How Buffy got morphed into Southland Tales

Six-time BAFTA winner Ricky Gervais talks to Jon Stewart about his love for names like Bucky Gunts.

The Daily Show's Rob Corddry looks at faith-based accounting. Rob Corddry explains how the only fiscal disparity is between intelligence... and you.

The Daily Show: "Not only will hurricane victims be taken care of, they'll all get a pony and some whipped cream."

The benefit of having the Super Bowl come to your town: Detroit sees an influx of upscale prostitutes.

Two arrested in cheerleading squads' rumble. Even funnier than the article was the Wichita Eagle's crack meteorology which, at the time I visited, said today's high will be 88, current temperature - 91.

I know this looks like an Andy Borowitz story, but it is an actual news item. German politicians tell men to have more sex ... Conservatives warn of being labeled "limp" abroad.

Barracks Wall: The WW II Pinup Gallery

Now THAT'S a wedding: "A groom spent his wedding night in jail after his group brawled with another bridal party."

For the serious drunk in your family. The bottle opener you can wear.

Baseball posters for the unmotivated

Something Awful - more skewering of retro fashion

"More than 1,100 survivors of Hurricane Katrina are still in shelters in Houston - and are therefore now being sent to Arkansas."

Kinky Friedman for Texas governor. Now THIS is a political ad.

Is Drinking Cum Good For You? Find out with your "Cum Nutrition Facts." One interesting and little-known fact for you ladies: drinking the cum of a webmaster is the equivalent to getting two hours of vigorous exercise, while taking in all of your daily nutritional requirements, and all the while taking in just 5-15 calories. Blowing me twice a day should get your body lookin' like Hilary Swank's in about a month. But act now, supplies are limited. Especially at my age.

All thirteen SNL Celebrity Jeopardy Videos!

"A television presenter on a new Dutch talk show plans to take heroin and other illegal drugs on air in a program intended to reach young audiences on topics that touch their lives." In other news, Robert Downey Jr has reversed his long-standing policy against talk show appearances.

Did you know that The Max Weinberg 7 has a roadie.

Condoms Are Named for Clinton, Lewinsky.

  • It's the same psychology as naming Louisville Sluggers after the ballplayers who use them.
  • "The 'Clinton' condom will be the top of our line," he said. "The 'Lewinsky' condom is not quite as good."
  • I'm not sure if I really want to buy either kind, however. "Clinton" is a pre-lubed model, and it's just too slick. Of course, for those of who who appreciate something slippery, "Clinton" is a good choice. On the other hand, as their bottom of the line model, "Lewinsky" just sucks.

Bumvertising - a concept that beggars belief. See yesterday's links for The Daily Show's report on this phenomenon.

Chesney speaks over Renee split.

  • I know that my job is basically to make fun of celebrities, but in this case, I'm actually going to defend them. People have published all kids of wild speculation about the fraud allegation, stuff like Chesney might be gay or impotent or a pervert, or has a communicable disease, or whatever bullshit. Frankly, those aren't even good possibilities. She would presumably have been able to figure out those sorts of things BEFORE they got married. The fraud would have to be something which is not completely obvious, and which she should have been told before the wedding. For example, if you are going to marry a woman, you don't have to tell her if you are blonde. She can see that. But you do have to mention that you have had a vasectomy. If a guy is unable (or unwilling) to have children, and failed to reveal it, there is nothing sinister there, but it still provides very suitable grounds for annulment for a woman who wants to have her own children and whose biological clock is ticking.
  • I'm not saying that is precisely the case in this instance, but it is probably something completely innocuous and private like that, as opposed to something sensational.
  • On the other hand, I'd like to think that Chesney showed up for their wedding night wearing mime make-up and lace cowboy frills, talking like Truman Capote, while carrying a gigantic dildo and a big jar of industrial strength lube, and keeping a proctologist on 24 hour call. I'd like to ... but I doubt it went down like that.

Martha Stewart's big catch-phrase is "Goodbye."

  • They say that an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of keyboards would eventually produce Hamlet. Well, Martha's signature phrase only took one monkey about five minutes of typing on the demo computers at K-Mart. And he actually got it on his first try, but it took him five minutes because he got distracted by a blue light sale on bananas.

Five new clips from Two for the Money, the sports gambling thriller with Al Pacino and Naked Bongos McConaughey

The first trailer from the remake of All The King's Men, an Oscar hopeful starring Spicoli, Jude Law, Tony Soprano, Patricia Clarkson, Kate Winslet, and Dr Lecter. (Click on main menu, then on Sony Lounge - you can also see the trailer for Memoirs of a Geisha there)

2005 NFL Cheerleading Tour. Day 11 : Houston Texans

Today we head west to Houston, Texas. The Texans took the field for the first time on September 8, 2002 with a victory over the Dallas Cowboys. The Texans may be new to the league, but Houston is no stranger to the NFL. The area's professional team from 1960 to 1996 was The Houston Oilers.

Some areas of the country may argue their own case, but it is widely known that no place loves football like Texas. There is also no doubt that Texas has an unending supply of beautiful women, and The Houston Texan Cheerleading Squad looks to have the best the state has to offer.

I just wish that someone in that part of Texas had half the passion for web site design as they do for beautiful babes and high school football. Some of the cheerleader bios are not updated (rookies on the squad have no bio). The bio pictures are a terrible lo-res quality. A video section is nice, but I felt as if I were transported back to 1998 watching the Jennicam on dial-up. A photo section is available, but the untitled pictures leave you wondering who you are looking at. The wallpaper section has four cheerleaders, but two of them are from last season's squad. There really isn't much to link to, and any visitor would be bored after five minutes. Based on beauty alone, this group is easily in the top five of the NFL. Too bad they don't have a better showcase. Maybe they should let cheerleader Emily take over the web site

I selected the dates and cities of this tour a few weeks ago, and it was purely by chance that Houston followed New Orleans. We can all hope Rita weakens and that the Houston/Galveston area is spared the same fate as the New Orleans area.

Rating 7.5 out of 10. The extra half point goes for the twins on the squad


Pat Reeder

If Floods Return, Hang Onto The Pole! - In a sign that New Orleans is slowly returning to normal, the Deja Vu strip club in the French Quarter has reopened, with topless dancers performing for police, firefighters and military people.  They waived the cover and are offering $3 drinks and $1 private dances.  One dancer said, "All these men need some entertainment.  They haven't seen anybody but their buddies for two weeks."

*  Now, they have their "bosom buddies."
*  If a New Orleans cop goes more than two weeks without seeing a topless dancer, he explodes.
*  Plus, they might as well dance naked...They lost all their clothes.

They're Not Jittery Enough? - In another sign that New Orleans is recovering, the Starbucks in the Sheraton Hotel has reopened.

*  But all the cops are at the Deja Vu strip club.
*  That doesn't mean people are returning to New Orleans...I hear there's a Starbucks in Death Valley.

Fast Food For The Soul - Wednesday in Canterbury, England, retired Anglican priest Michael Hinton launched his new book, "The 100-Minute Bible."  He said it's a good intro for people who want to know more about its teachings, but don't have time to read the whole Bible.  The book is in  modern English in "page-turner" style, and can be read through in 100 minutes.  Hinton said he had to leave some things out, like the entire Book of Ruth, but he believed he'd included all the "really essential" parts.

*  Like David and Bathsheba!...Wow!!  That's hot!
*  You get five of the Ten Commandments, the only ones anybody pays any attention to.
*  Matthew, Mark and Luke made it in, but John was left on the cutting room floor.
*  You won't learn enough to get into Heaven, but you should be able to fake your way into Purgatory.

She Could Wear Stilettos - Wednesday, a Swedish court convicted Volvo of "indirect gender discrimination."  The car maker was ordered to pay $5200 (US) to a woman who sued them for not hiring her for a factory job because she was too short.  Volvo requires workers to be at least 5-foot-4 to work at the conveyor belt for safety reasons, but she was 5-foot-3.  The court said this discriminated against women, who tend to be shorter than men, and Volvo must now determine job suitability by individually testing each applicant's reach and muscle strength.

*  Of course, women tend to have less reach and muscle strength than men...
*  To prevent sexism, all job applicants will have to strip to the waist and stretch for the interviewer.

Also: Vibrating Seats - Ironically, on the same day, Volvo announced that they are developing a car that will be the first ever designed almost entirely by women for women.  It has extra space for a purse, easy-entry doors, high adjustable seats and other female-friendly features, including the most unusual: when it needs servicing, it calls a mechanic directly.

* a man's voice.
*  And it assures the owner that she doesn't have to worry her pretty little head about a thing.
*  This is a Volvo just for women, as opposed to all those macho Volvos men love.

You Know, It Could Take A Year To Learn Thai - The new Miss Thailand Angela MacKay has quit after just 10 days and returned the prize money, diamond crown and a new car, because she didn't realize it meant she'd have to live in Thailand.  A beauty from Australia whose mom is Thai, MacKay said she only entered because her Thai relatives suggested it as a way to have a "Thai experience" and to learn the Thai language.  She didn't know the winner had to live in Thailand for the next year.  She said she never expected to win, and it came as "a very, very big surprise."

*  Especially since her "talent" was impersonating Crocodile Dundee.
*  She didn't want to be Thai'ed down.
*  She's like male tourists in Bangkok: they want a "Thai experience" that's over in 20 minutes.
*  Now that she knows the residency rule, she just entered the Miss Hawaii pageant.

No Got Milk - In Berkshire, England, homeowners are being plagued by a thief who is stealing their milk deliveries off their doorsteps.  Worse, he mocks them by leaving behind notes that read, "Do you like dry cereal?  Hope so because we've drunk your milk.  Yours Sincerely, Your Neighborhood Milk Thief."

*  Wow!  Cats are getting SMART!
*  The police are searching for someone with a mean sense of humor and clogged arteries.

Please Welcome Our First Guest, Courtney Love! - Dutch TV reporter Filemon Wesselink has sparked an outcry with a new TV show about the drug problem. He plans to get drunk, smoke heroin, take LSD and do other such things on camera, to show demonstrate the effects, while his colleagues discuss it with guests.  Another reporter will try various sex acts, although not on camera.  The show, "Shoot Up And Swallow," is set to premiere late nights on October 10, but even in the famously-liberal Netherlands, critics fear it will promote drug use and might violate the law.

*  It may be against Dutch law not to show the sex on TV.
*  Reporters usually only do this sort of thing on their off time.
*  He'll be the first anchorman to broadcast while on LSD since Dan Rather retired.
*  This is nothing new...It's how Hunter S. Thompson spent his entire career.
*  We have a show like that in America...It's called "Being Bobby Brown."

Here's The Scoop - Kelly Borland of Evans, Colorado, ran an ad seeking the return of his lost Jack Russell terrier, Jack.  Then he returned home one day to find on his doorstep a plastic bag full of dog poop and a note threatening to kill the dog if he didn't leave $100 at the skate park, no later than 10 p.m.  Borland believe it's just from a juvenile who doesn't really have the dog but saw the ad.  Borland said, "It looked like my dog's poop, but I'm not a dog poop analyst."

*  This sounds like the start of the world's worst episode of "CSI."
*  The whole thing smells fishy...So it might be cat poop.
*  So they thought sending him a bag of dog poop would make him want the dog BACK?
*  Then he realized: his dog doesn't eat corn!

Make His Eardrums Bleed! - Kanye West's new #1 album is full of tracks sampled from other people's records, one of which is the 1971 James Bond theme, "Diamonds Are Forever," and Shirley Bassey is furious.  She said neither he nor the record company ever asked to put her voice on his record and "legally, it's something I want to look into...So one way or another, he is going to have to pay me a lot of money."

*  Or diamonds would be okay.
*  Kanye said Shirley Bassey just doesn't like black people.
*  How come record companies sue you if you steal someone's song and sell it, but if you call it "sampling," they pay you to do it?

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