"Female Trouble"

Female Trouble (1974) is a John Waters put-down of the fashion/beauty industry, and the entire concept of fame, celebrity and glamor. Divine stars as Dawn Davenport, evil from High School on. She left home at Christmas because she didn't get the right shoes as a gift, got raped hitchhiking, and ended up pregnant. She made her living as a burglar, until her big break when a trendy husband and wife solon team decided she was the most glamorous of all beauties, mostly because she was a criminal. She married her hair dresser briefly, until she caught him in bed with Ann Figgs. Before she film is over, she disfigures her husbands mother, kills her own daughter, blows away several audience members during her great stage debut, and ends up in the electric chair. While waiting for execution, she is fondling fellow prisoner Elizabeth Coffey.

Figgs and Coffey both show everything, including a pretty intimate look between their legs. There is also explicit male nudity. This is very much in the Waters style. In other words, I didn't much like it, even though I approve of the target for the satire. Critics split on whether his films are art or not, but all agree that they are unique. IMDB readers have this at 7.1 of 10. I would call this average Waters fare, hence a C.

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  • Ann Figgs (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
  • Elizabeth Coffey (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)


    Darkroom (1988) is a third rate slasher film. At a family gathering in the middle of nowhere, family members turn up murdered. There are the mandatory false lead characters, but there was little doubt whodunnit nearly from the beginning, and they reveal it with 20 minutes to go, and then hope to get us excited about how the stars will escape him. Although IMDB is not aware of it, Niko Mastorakis ended up producing, and it would probably have been improved had he had more creative control. He certainly would have figured out how to add a few helicopters to the story, and probably more nudity. Turns out the killer was traumatized as a kid, and quite suddenly decides that everyone needs to die, although we get no insights as to how he reached this conclusion.

    Jill PIerce shows breasts and bush through a shower curtain for the only exposure. IMDB readers have this at 4.7 of 10, based on only a double handful of votes. This is a very weak genre effort. It never really manages to build much suspense, the gore effects are not especially imaginative, and the performers seem like they are reading from cue cards. D.

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  • Jill Pierce (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Under the Tuscan Sun (2003)

    Under the Tuscan Sun is an escapist chick-flick about a woman recovering from a divorce who takes trip to Tuscany, ends up buying a fixer-upper there, and has lots of colorful adventures with colorful natives in picturesque locales.

    In parallel, as her ancient villa comes back to life, so does she, and she learns to love again. One reviewer summed it up beautifully as "Waiting to Exhale for white chicks".

    IMDb scores show a respectable 6.6 for men, an excellent 7.4 for women. That basically means that if you take a woman to this film on a date, she'll probably like it, and you will find it tolerable. It is, in fact, and excellent date movie, since it is a breezy feel-good kind of flick which will leave you both in a good mood. There's probably a decent chance for some hanky-panky when it is done.

    It is basically insubstantial, and I suffered from a bit of estrogen suffocation during the movie, but I did conclude that if I ever go to Europe again in summertime, I will definitely include some time in Tuscany. This movie is a helluva good  travel ad!

    There's no real nudity, but Diane Lane was close to nudity, and was as sexy as ever.

    • Diane Lane (1, 2, 3)
    • Lindsay Duncan (1, 2, 3)


    Sin (2003)

    I guess that Sin may have been conceived as a theatrical release. It is rare to see a STV with Gary Oldman, Ving Rhames, and Brian Cox.

    Unfortunately, it isn't much good, a trite tale of a drug lord (Oldman) who plots revenge against a retired Reno cop (Rhames) who once caused Drug Guy's innocent brother to commit suicide. It is characterized by one-dimensional over-the-top performances and graphically stylized violence. In the best scene, Gary Oldman nails the Vinger's hand to an altar, then makes him watch a video of his sister being raped, while Oldman sets the church on fire. Fun stuff.



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    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    13 Erotic Ghosts (2002) was directed by Fred Olin Ray. That fact and that title are the essential features of this movie. No need to say much about it. The plot device here is a house haunted by very friendly female ghosts. Called them Casper or perhaps Caspera. Their friendliness is not general, however, but is confined to one another and to the female member of the ghost-hunting team (played by Mia Zottoli). Which makes this a lesbo-fest of the first order, similar in many ways to the movies pumped out by Misty Mundae's operation at Seduction Cinema.

    The number of women involved is impressive. It includes two former Penthouse Pets, Aria Giovanni and the ubiquitous Julie Strain, one cross-over pornabee by the name of Felony, the aforementioned Mia Zottoli, the Porcelain Twinz and a first-timer by the name of Nichole Sprecht. Everyone does everybody, or so it seems and oft is the time the scenes border on the pornographic, what with obvious oral-genital contact and gynocam views. The disk is also packed with loads of revealing extras including a 20-minute behind-the-scenes segment chock full of nudity. If girls pretending to do girls is your thing, you could do a lot worse for the price of admission.

    The list of collages is as follows:

    Aria Giovanni in seven of em. Hooters in all, some bush close-ups in link #5, bum in link #7. That's Felony she's getting all cozy with.

    • Aria Giovanni (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    Julie Strain in 5 collages. First three are from a couple of scenes, in which she pairs up with the Porcelain Twinz. Maybe that should be "triples up." Last two are from behind-the-scenes, including a long interview with a topless Julie. Gynocam in #'s 1, 3 and 5.

    • Julie Strain (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Two collages of Felony, the first with Aria Giovanni and the second with Nichole Sprecht. Serious gynocam and an unmistakable mouth-to-muff shot in #2. As outlined above, IMDB leaves little doubt that Felony is a pornstar, since her previous work includes movies with titles you just don't find at Blockbuster.

    • Felony (1, 2)

    Mia is in 4 collages, including the king of all upskirt shots in #3. Mia works sometimes as Ava Lake and has put together quite the videography. Something like 31 movies in which she's given us a look at her after-market superstructure.

    • Mia Zottoli (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Nichole Sprecht did two collages worth of movie making. Gynocams in both, and Felony applies her face to Nichole's bush in #2.

    • Nicole Sprecht (1, 2)

    The Porcelain Twinz are last up. They have two scenes with Julie Strain, the second of which is seen in the regular feature and in the behind-the-scenes account.

    Most of the time the action is Twinz-on-Julie or Julie-on-Twinz but collage #2 shows some mild twin-on-twin action.

    • The Porcelain Twinz (1, 2, 3)

    So, okay, this is not the Battleship Potemkin. It's not even If These Walls Could Talk. 13 Erotic Ghosts is part of a recent wave of psuedo-lesbo-exploitation, but within that sub-sub-genre it is about the best you are going to find.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "House of the Dead"
    Suppose they gave a Sega commercial and nobody came? Basically, this 2003 movie is exactly that, and from what I've read of the attendance, nobody did come.

    The plot is that a group of college kids going to a rave party on an island are attacked by zombies and monsters, and must fight for their life, killing zombies as they go, of course, just like the game.

    It's not bad enough they show a Sega banner on the bandstand in the movie, but they actually pop 2-3 second clips of the game during the shooting scenes making it even lamer that it already was. Enjoy the nudity; for everything else just go play the game. I love b-movie horror flicks, but I have to give a giant thumbs down to this mess. Sorry, Sega, but stick to games and stay out of the movie business.

    Lingerie Bowl coverage
    So let me make sure I got this right, Janet shows a boob on TV and everyone goes insane....but meanwhile on Pay Per View, a bunch of supermodels wear next to nothing and play a quick game of football and that's ok?

    Here are a few pre-gane production stills and vidcap highlights from the game.

    Pre-game stills

    • Angie Everhart, someone I don't recognize, Traci Bingham and Nikki Ziering. (1, 2, 3)
    • Nikki Ziering and Angie Everhart. (1, 2,
    • Nikki Ziering (1, 2)

    Next up, a few collages by DeadLamb of the stars.

    Last up...assorted babes in lingerie.

    • Assorted babes (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Katherine Heigl
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Erika Christensen

    Great 'caps by DeadLamb from the MTV produced version of Emily Bronte's "Wuthering Heights". Heigl completely fills out several shirts and a bikini top. Christensen looks good, but doesn't show anything.

    Annett Renneberg
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the German actress topless in a shower scene from the made for German TV movie "Models" (2000).

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Overexposed - The furor over Janet Jackson's exposed breast at the Super Bowl halftime show continues and has even been dubbed "Nipplegate." Monday, Janet said it was a mistake and that only her pink lace bra was supposed to be revealed.

  • Unfortunately, she forgot and wore her invisible lace bra.
  • Revealing your pink lace bra while performing at the Super Bowl is perfectly normal.

    Too Titillating! - FCC chairman Michael Powell called it a "classless, crass and deplorable stunt" that capped a performance of "onstage copulation," and said he'll launch an obscenity investigation into the entire halftime show.

  • Good: put Ken Starr in charge of it.
  • Better yet, ask the FBI to investigate the mysterious disappearance of musical talent.
  • Next year's halftime show will star John Davidson and the New Christy Minstrels.

    Don't Probe That Flapping Breast! - Howard Dean said that considering what's on TV these days, the FCC breast probe is "silly" and "a bit of a flap about nothing." But he noted that he's a doctor, "so it's not exactly an unusual phenomenon for me."

  • All his patients in Vermont used to wear nipple jewelry.
  • Dean immediately shot back into the lead in all the Democratic polls.
  • A flap about nothing? No, that would be if Celine Dion's breast had been exposed.

    God Bless Technology! - Tivo announced that the exposure of Janet Jackson's breast sparked the biggest spike in audience reaction in Tivo history. Viewership jumped 180 percent from people using Tivo's unique ability to pause and replay live TV again and again.

  • And it never fell back down: it's three days later, and they're all still doing it.
  • This reveals with razor-sharp clarity that people really need to get a life.

    Head Games - Former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev is taking steps to trademark his forehead. He's upset that a Russian vodka company has started putting his famous birthmark on their labels, when one of his pet projects in the USSR was a strict anti-drinking campaign. A trademark lawyer told Inc. magazine that Gorbachev takes it so seriously that companies reproducing his birthmark may soon find themselves in court.

  • Along with the vodka company that named itself after Yakov Smirnoff.
  • The vodka company claims it's just a map of Russia.

    He Looks More Like A Mummy - Fox News columnist Roger Friedman reports that the divorced mother of Michael Jackson's accuser allegedly encouraged her son to call Michael "daddy." She wanted her son to ingratiate himself with the star and she thought the boy needed a father figure.

  • Sounds more like he needed a mother figure.
  • That explains why servants passing by the bedroom door would hear Michael saying, "Who's your daddy?!...Who's your daddy?!"
  • He looks nothing like Michael and is completely unrelated to him, so he COULD be one of Michael's children.

    Prince Of Snides - The New York Post's Page Six gossip column reports that some Oscar voters are backing Sofia Coppola for Best Director just to disprove Barbra Streisand's claim that she was never nominated because she's a woman. One said, "We have nothing against women, we just don't like Streisand."

  • But isn't Barbra Streisand technically a woman?
  • Plus, Sofia Coppola is, like, a HUNDRED times better!
  • "Lost in Translation" would've been so much better if Sofia Coppola had starred in it, with long, manicured nails.