Female Trouble (1974) is a John Waters put-down of the fashion/beauty industry, and the entire concept of fame, celebrity and glamor. Divine stars as Dawn Davenport, evil from High School on. She left home at Christmas because she didn't get the right shoes as a gift, got raped hitchhiking, and ended up pregnant. She made her living as a burglar, until her big break when a trendy husband and wife solon team decided she was the most glamorous of all beauties, mostly because she was a criminal. She married her hair dresser briefly, until she caught him in bed with Ann Figgs. Before she film is over, she disfigures her husbands mother, kills her own daughter, blows away several audience members during her great stage debut, and ends up in the electric chair. While waiting for execution, she is fondling fellow prisoner Elizabeth Coffey.
Figgs and Coffey both show everything, including a pretty intimate look between their legs. There is also explicit male nudity. This is very much in the Waters style. In other words, I didn't much like it, even though I approve of the target for the satire. Critics split on whether his films are art or not, but all agree that they are unique. IMDB readers have this at 7.1 of 10. I would call this average Waters fare, hence a C.
Darkroom (1988) is a third rate slasher film. At a family gathering in the middle of nowhere, family members turn up murdered. There are the mandatory false lead characters, but there was little doubt whodunnit nearly from the beginning, and they reveal it with 20 minutes to go, and then hope to get us excited about how the stars will escape him. Although IMDB is not aware of it, Niko Mastorakis ended up producing, and it would probably have been improved had he had more creative control. He certainly would have figured out how to add a few helicopters to the story, and probably more nudity. Turns out the killer was traumatized as a kid, and quite suddenly decides that everyone needs to die, although we get no insights as to how he reached this conclusion.
Jill PIerce shows breasts and bush through a shower curtain for the only exposure. IMDB readers have this at 4.7 of 10, based on only a double handful of votes. This is a very weak genre effort. It never really manages to build much suspense, the gore effects are not especially imaginative, and the performers seem like they are reading from cue cards. D.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Under the Tuscan Sun (2003)
Under the Tuscan Sun is an escapist chick-flick
about a woman recovering from a divorce who takes trip to Tuscany,
ends up buying a fixer-upper there, and has lots of colorful
adventures with colorful natives in picturesque locales.
In parallel, as her ancient villa comes back to
life, so does she, and she learns to love again. One reviewer summed
it up beautifully as "Waiting to Exhale for white chicks".
IMDb scores show a respectable 6.6 for men, an excellent 7.4 for
women. That basically means that if you take a woman to this film on
a date, she'll probably like it, and you will find it tolerable. It
is, in fact, and excellent date movie, since it is a breezy
feel-good kind of flick which will leave you both in a good mood.
There's probably a decent chance for some hanky-panky when it is
It is basically insubstantial, and I suffered from a bit of
estrogen suffocation during the movie, but I did conclude that if I
ever go to Europe again in summertime, I will definitely include
some time in Tuscany. This movie is a helluva good travel ad!
There's no real nudity, but Diane Lane was close to nudity, and
was as sexy as ever.
- Diane Lane (1,
- Lindsay Duncan (1,
I guess that Sin may have been conceived as a
theatrical release. It is rare to see a STV with Gary Oldman, Ving
Rhames, and Brian Cox.
Unfortunately, it isn't much good, a trite tale of a
drug lord (Oldman) who plots revenge against a retired Reno cop (Rhames)
who once caused Drug Guy's innocent brother to commit suicide. It is
characterized by one-dimensional over-the-top performances and
graphically stylized violence. In the best scene, Gary Oldman nails
the Vinger's hand to an altar, then makes him watch a video of his
sister being raped, while Oldman sets the church on fire. Fun stuff.
Are You a Beautiful Actress Who Wants to Be Taken Seriously? Get
Ugly. And/or naked.
Mel Gibson to delete a scene from The Passion. The Pope
responded with his normal one-syllable review: "it was as it was,
now it is as it might have been but for the cut". His Holiness
also mentioned how he thought The Big Bounce was "totally rad,
dude" ("radicalifico totare, gento"), despite the poor reviews and
lame Box Office. "Mel may be as it was, but my man Owen Wilson is
as it is now and ever shall be"
ASHCROFT DETAINS JANET JACKSON'S RIGHT BOOB. Half of Singer's
Rack in US Custody.
Step aside, Mel Gibson: "'Lord of the Undead' portrays Jesus
as the leader of a horde of zombies." Yeah, but are they Jewish
PATRIOT QB STEALS FAN'S FLAME. New England Patriots
quarterback Tom Brady has made one pass that is out-of-bounds with
diehard fan Scott Rosenberg - the Super Bowl-bound stud has been
scoring off the field with Rosenberg's ex-girlfriend, Bridget
Free Biketoberfest 2003 Babe Gallery
Two upcoming projects for Diane Lane
Complete primary results.
- Harnessing road rage
New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive
CBS will time-delay the telecast of the Grammy Awards to prevent
Why is "CH" the internet abbreviation for Switzerland?: "Confoederatio
Helvetica ". It's in Latin, so that none of the various ethnic and
language groups will be slighted.
As expected, Lieberman abandons 2004 presidential quest
Grammy: Janet, Justin In; Luther Out: "The Grammy RSVPs are in
and it looks like the boobylicious Super Bowl tandem of Janet
Jackson and Justin Timberlake are still on the guest lis"
Drew Barrymore gets her star on the Walk of Fame
SPORTS NATION - Franchise Rankings. ESPN viewers rate every
professional sports franchise in America. I think you'll be
surprised which one finished as the best.
The Daily Show looks at children's TV programming.
The Daily Show milks Janet Jackson's breast.
Beretta's defense: Christian Brando killed my wife
Janet Jackson's "Nipple-gate" reverberates as most-watched TV
Billboards of the Past
Dark Horizons reviews the trades for Tuesday, February 3rd
- Here are eight clips from
Miracle, the film about the Lake Placid hockey victory.
Captain Picard says space sucks.
Billy Jack to run against George W.: I didn't even recognize
the picture of Tom Laughlin.
The Sun has a Page Three girl named Breast
- Janet Jackson has given us so
much. Now we can learn all about
the culture of nipple shields.
Average Joe: Hawaii ... Larissa (bikini pics)
- You've read about that German
cannibal, right? Sky says that
Hugh Grant wants to produce and star in the cannibal's story.
Jeez, do you think there's any possibility that might ... suck? I
swear this is not a Weekly World News story, and it really says,
"he wants to show the world what a fine dramatic actor he is and
he thinks playing a cannibal will prove his talents."
The Lingerie Bowl sucked. ESPN said that, if given a choice,
they would rather watch Patrick Swayze in "The Bachelor"
President Bush says he can cut the budget deficit in half within
five years. In other news, Charles Manson promised that if he
is released he will set a five year goal to cut his mass-murdering
down to half of its former level. The Ku Klux Klan presented their
five year plan to lynch only half as many black guys. Here's a
plan for you youngsters who want to be CEO's. (1) Take over a
highly profitable company (2) Increase spending and/or decrease
revenues enough so that you lose a massive amount of money (3)
Hold on to your job by presenting a five year plan designed to cut
losses in half in five years.
Motion picture academy plans a film museum
Gym workout 'guarantees more orgasms'. We had the same program
in our high school gym. It was called a peephole.
Happy 100th birthday, Salvador Dali.
The President's job approval rating is now at the lowest point of
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
'Caps and comments by Brainscan:
13 Erotic Ghosts (2002) was directed by Fred Olin Ray.
That fact and that title are the essential features
of this movie. No need to say much about it. The
plot device here is a house haunted by very friendly
female ghosts. Called them Casper or perhaps Caspera.
Their friendliness is not general, however, but is
confined to one another and to the female member of
the ghost-hunting team (played by Mia Zottoli). Which
makes this a lesbo-fest of the first order, similar in
many ways to the movies pumped out by Misty Mundae's
operation at Seduction Cinema.
The number of women involved is impressive. It
includes two former Penthouse Pets, Aria Giovanni and
the ubiquitous Julie Strain, one cross-over pornabee
by the name of Felony, the aforementioned Mia Zottoli,
the Porcelain Twinz and a first-timer by the name of
Nichole Sprecht. Everyone does everybody, or so it
seems and oft is the time the scenes border on the
pornographic, what with obvious oral-genital contact
and gynocam views. The disk is also packed with loads
of revealing extras including a 20-minute
behind-the-scenes segment chock full of nudity. If
girls pretending to do girls is your thing, you could
do a lot worse for the price of admission.
The list of collages is as follows:
Aria Giovanni in seven of em. Hooters in all, some
bush close-ups in link #5, bum in link #7. That's Felony she's
getting all cozy with.
- Aria Giovanni
Julie Strain in 5 collages. First three are from a
couple of scenes, in which she pairs up with the
Porcelain Twinz. Maybe that should be "triples up."
Last two are from behind-the-scenes, including a long
interview with a topless Julie. Gynocam in #'s 1, 3
- Julie Strain
Two collages of Felony, the first with Aria Giovanni
and the second with Nichole Sprecht. Serious gynocam
and an unmistakable mouth-to-muff shot in #2. As
outlined above, IMDB leaves little doubt that Felony
is a pornstar, since her previous work includes movies
with titles you just don't find at Blockbuster.
Mia is in 4 collages, including the king of all
upskirt shots in #3. Mia works sometimes as Ava Lake
and has put together quite the videography. Something
like 31 movies in which she's given us a look at her
Nichole Sprecht did two collages worth of movie
making. Gynocams in both, and Felony applies her face
to Nichole's bush in #2.
The Porcelain Twinz are last up. They have two scenes
with Julie Strain, the second of which is seen in the
regular feature and in the behind-the-scenes account.
Most of the time the action is Twinz-on-Julie or
Julie-on-Twinz but collage #2 shows some mild
- The Porcelain Twinz
So, okay, this is not the Battleship Potemkin. It's
not even If These Walls Could Talk. 13 Erotic Ghosts
is part of a recent wave of psuedo-lesbo-exploitation,
but within that sub-sub-genre it is about the best you
are going to find.
'Caps and comments by Dann:
"House of the Dead"
Suppose they gave a Sega commercial and nobody came? Basically, this 2003 movie is exactly that, and from what I've read of the attendance, nobody did come.
The plot is that a group of college kids going to a rave party on an island are attacked by zombies and monsters, and must fight for their life, killing zombies as they go, of course, just like the game.
It's not bad enough they show a Sega banner on the bandstand in the movie, but they actually pop 2-3 second clips of the game during the shooting scenes making it even lamer that it already was. Enjoy the nudity; for everything else just go play the game. I love b-movie horror flicks, but I have to give a giant thumbs down to this mess. Sorry, Sega, but stick to games and stay out of the movie business.
|Lingerie Bowl coverage
So let me make sure I got this right, Janet shows a boob on TV and everyone goes insane....but meanwhile on Pay Per View, a bunch of supermodels wear next to nothing and play a quick game of football and that's ok?
Here are a few pre-gane production stills and vidcap highlights from the game.
- Angie Everhart, someone I don't recognize, Traci Bingham and Nikki Ziering.
- Nikki Ziering and Angie Everhart.
- Nikki Ziering
Next up, a few collages by DeadLamb of the stars.
Last up...assorted babes in lingerie.
- Assorted babes
|Great 'caps by DeadLamb from the MTV produced version of Emily Bronte's "Wuthering Heights". Heigl completely fills out several shirts and a bikini top. Christensen looks good, but doesn't show anything.
|Señor Skin 'caps of the German actress topless in a shower scene from the made for German TV movie "Models" (2000).
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
NIPPLEGATE: DAY THREE
Overexposed - The furor over Janet Jackson's exposed breast at the Super
Bowl halftime show continues and has even been dubbed "Nipplegate."
Monday, Janet said it was a mistake and that only her pink lace bra was
supposed to be revealed.
Unfortunately, she forgot and wore her invisible lace bra.
Revealing your pink lace bra while performing at the Super Bowl is
Too Titillating! - FCC chairman Michael Powell called it a "classless,
crass and deplorable stunt" that capped a performance of "onstage
copulation," and said he'll launch an obscenity investigation into the
entire halftime show.
Good: put Ken Starr in charge of it.
Better yet, ask the FBI to investigate the mysterious disappearance of
Next year's halftime show will star John Davidson and the New Christy
Don't Probe That Flapping Breast! - Howard Dean said that considering
what's on TV these days, the FCC breast probe is "silly" and "a bit of a
flap about nothing." But he noted that he's a doctor, "so it's not exactly
an unusual phenomenon for me."
All his patients in Vermont used to wear nipple jewelry.
Dean immediately shot back into the lead in all the Democratic polls.
A flap about nothing? No, that would be if Celine Dion's breast had
God Bless Technology! - Tivo announced that the exposure of Janet Jackson's
breast sparked the biggest spike in audience reaction in Tivo history.
Viewership jumped 180 percent from people using Tivo's unique ability to
pause and replay live TV again and again.
And it never fell back down: it's three days later, and they're all
still doing it.
This reveals with razor-sharp clarity that people really need to get a
GORBY TRADEMARKS HIS FOREHEAD
Head Games - Former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev is taking steps to
trademark his forehead. He's upset that a Russian vodka company has
started putting his famous birthmark on their labels, when one of his pet
projects in the USSR was a strict anti-drinking campaign. A trademark
lawyer told Inc. magazine that Gorbachev takes it so seriously that
companies reproducing his birthmark may soon find themselves in court.
Along with the vodka company that named itself after Yakov Smirnoff.
The vodka company claims it's just a map of Russia.
CALLING MICHAEL JACKSON "DADDY"
He Looks More Like A Mummy - Fox News columnist Roger Friedman reports that
the divorced mother of Michael Jackson's accuser allegedly encouraged her
son to call Michael "daddy." She wanted her son to ingratiate himself with
the star and she thought the boy needed a father figure.
Sounds more like he needed a mother figure.
That explains why servants passing by the bedroom door would hear
Michael saying, "Who's your daddy?!...Who's your daddy?!"
He looks nothing like Michael and is completely unrelated to him, so he
COULD be one of Michael's children.
COPPOLA NO STREISAND
Prince Of Snides - The New York Post's Page Six gossip column reports that
some Oscar voters are backing Sofia Coppola for Best Director just to
disprove Barbra Streisand's claim that she was never nominated because
she's a woman. One said, "We have nothing against women, we just don't
But isn't Barbra Streisand technically a woman?
Plus, Sofia Coppola is, like, a HUNDRED times better!
"Lost in Translation" would've been so much better if Sofia Coppola had
starred in it, with long, manicured nails.