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OTHER CRAP:
Catch the deluxe
version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles,
here.
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The Sensuous Nurse
1975
Part2:
Carla
Romanelli film clips
samples below
Luciana
Paluzzi film clips
samples below
some other chick's
film clip
samples below
Scoop's notes:
God bless those guys at NoShame Films, whoever they
might be, for bringing The Sensuous Nurse to DVD. They did everything
right.
The Sensuous Nurse is one of the great Italian sex
farces of the 60s and 70s, but nobody has known that for a couple of
reasons. First, it has never been available on DVD. Second, the available
video tapes were not only of inferior quality, but were significantly
expurgated as well. Although the film runs more than 100 minutes long,
various video versions have been as short as 77 minutes. This DVD not only
restores the film to its original full length, but also preserves the
original widescreen aspect ratio, and has been digitally re-mastered from
the vault negatives. The DVD even includes a 23 minute featurette about
the film. Such a feature is rare for any 30-year-old film, let alone one
which originally ran in Italy's "seconda visione" circuit (roughly the
equivalent in quality of America's drive-in circuit).
The low IMDb rating is just crazy. I have to assume that
the people who assigned those low grades must have seen the truncated
versions, and that those versions must have been edited down to
incoherence. The full version not only looks good, but it works quite
well, both as a lowbrow comedy and as erotica. There are sexy scenes;
there are funny scenes; and there are funny sex scenes. Oh, sure, the
humor is crude. It consists mainly of mugging and lowbrow hijinks. The
liner notes mention that this film is basically like a Benny Hill sketch
expanded to feature length, and that's true, but it's such good-natured,
irreverent, over-the-top fun that I found myself laughing out loud several
times, almost against my will. The politically incorrect comedy is just
the icing on the cake, because the primary appeal of the film is not one
but two naked Bond girls: Ursula Andress (Dr. No) and Luciana Paluzzi (Thunderball).
Luciana didn't remove her panties, but I think this movie presents your
only opportunity to see her ample bosom. Ursula showed it all, again and
again, and looked magnificent doing so. Pretty Carla Romanelli also
supplied full frontal and rear nudity in a comic role, and one other woman
stripped stark naked just to get her nipples tweaked by Jack Palance while
he was making a phone call.
The plot concerns a rich old man who has a heart attack
during sex with a younger woman. Expecting his imminent demise, his family
has just about divided his possessions when the family doctor presents
them with the bad news: he might recover. The doctor has two things to
add: (1) the old man would surely die if he had a second heart attack; (2)
he will need constant care and, given his financial status, can and should
be attended by a full-time nurse. His scheming nephew thinks about these
medical recommendations and realizes that if the two points were to be
combined into one, it would be a sinister and profitable plot. What if the
old man had a full-time nurse so gorgeous that he would have to mount her,
thus causing his second heart attack?
Enter Ursula Andress.
Andress eventually comes to realize that the old boy is
quite a good fellow, while his family consists of a bunch of greedy
sycophants, so she backs out of the scheme, falls in love with the old
man, and ...
... well, I think you can probably take it from there.
Some of the family members are hilarious. One of the
nephews is a retired war veteran who seems to think he's still in the
army, and re-creates various military exercises and maneuvers around the
grounds of the estate, complete with military music played on a powerful
sound system. His nemesis is the local drunkard, who loves to play pranks
on him by sabotaging his equipment. Those two characters, and their
rivalry for the affections of the gorgeous maid, fuel much of the comedy.
Without really thinking it through, I started watching
the film in English with English sub-titles, and that turned out to be a
great idea, because the translations were radically different, and
sometimes one of the two came up with a much funnier way to translate the
Italian jokes into English equivalents. You will miss some of the humor if
you choose only one or the other. The American English dubbing is
surprisingly good - not good in the sense of "co-ordinated with the lip
movements," but good in the sense of "actually employing real actors with
a deft comic touch." Although I lack sufficient skills to understand the
Italian soundtrack, I have to think the American actors probably did an
excellent job at conveying the humor of the original Italian script.
I thought I was watching this film in order to record
the nudity dutifully, but I ended up enjoying the hell out of it, dumb
though it was. I recommend this DVD if you have any interest in the
Italian sex farces of that period, or in the beautiful women in the cast.
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Risk
(2000)
London
(2005)
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Pics
Here's a collage of that Bonnie
Bedelia topless scene in the pilot film for Then Came Bronson
Chelsea Field in Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man
Bobbie Tyler in Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man
Mitzi Martin in Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (exotic beauty who nearly
disappeared from the face of the earth after this film)
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Take one or two lines from every
action picture ever made, stir. Add an extra pinch of
Roadhouse and Hudson Hawk. You have HD&MM. I think Road House
is probably the most comparable movie, because they both have
unbelievable over-the-top villainy, the violent death of the
best friends of the protagonists, absurd macho posturing,
hilariously (intentionally??) bad dialogue, cartoon violence,
and professional wrestlers in the cast. I guess Terry Funk was
too old for this one, but they got Big John Studd to fill in
nicely. In fact, the
wrestling theme is appropriate, because if you read what I
wrote in the previous paragraph, you'll see that both of these
movies could, in fact, be running plot threads for the WWF. If
you told me Vince McMahon wrote them both, I wouldn't be
surprised for a minute. A biker and a cowboy could easily be a
WWF tag team.
Where to begin? Biker Mickey
Rourke (Harley Davidson) and sharpshootin' rodeo cowpoke Don
Johnson (the Marlboro Man) have a good friend, an elderly
father figure, who is about to lose his road house (trapped
among skyscrapers in the middle of a future Burbank) so that
the suits can tear it down and build another skyscraper. His
lease expires in two weeks, and the bank wants $2.5 million
cash for a new five-year lease.
So our heroes have only one
choice, of course, they have to rob that very bank to pay off
the lease. The rob the armored car, but are immediately
confronted by two surprises:
1) The armored car's back-up
is five guys in bulletproof Kevlar overcoats (including a
lesser Baldwin). Since they arrive in their limo within about
a minute of the heist, one assumes that they drive around LA
all day long in these long overcoats, carrying their automatic
weapons.
2) Our heroes give these
bulletproof guys the slip by sneaking down a manhole into a
truck they had hidden in the drainage canals, only to find
that instead of money they managed to hijack a zillion dollars
worth of a new, dangerous, highly addictive drug.
So now they have to work a
deal where they trade the drugs for some cash. The bulletproof
guys do the swap uneventfully, but they show up at the Road
House a few minutes later (turns out they planted a homing
device in the money), and they kill everyone in there except
Harley and Marlboro. This means that they slaughtered four of
our boys' best friends, including the old geezer who owned the
Roadhouse.
Now the boys are really
pissed, so they escape from the bulletproof guys by jumping 15
stories into a hotel pool in Vegas, while the bulletproof guys
rain down machine gun fire from the roof into the pool. Did I
mention that they got to Vegas in the luggage compartment of a
jet? Macho guys don't worry about any of that sissy cabin
pressure stuff. Then they fight back against Bulletproof
Baldwin and kick his ass in an airplane graveyard, thus
earning them the right to take on Mr Big - the multilingual
banker who runs drugs for a living. Well, Bigster is just
about to have them killed by his spare bulletproof guys when a
helicopter shows up outside Big's office window and blasts
away with the forward cannons, destroying all the windows and
everything in the office, and killing the last of the
bulletproof dudes. I didn't make that up. They did have $2.5
million dollars, so they hired a helicopter to blast away.
And, as movie luck would have it, the helicopter pilot had no
qualms about flying up to the window of a bank CEO and
slaughtering everyone in his office.
Then our boys push Big out
his open window, and ride off to be in a rodeo. There are no
investigations of any kind. They are free to go about their
business.
The one thing that keeps this
movie from being as good as Roadhouse is that Roadhouse took
itself seriously, and is filled with gravitas and somber
declarations. I'm pretty sure the creators had no idea how bad
it was. These Harley/Marlboro guys knew the movie was silly,
and they hammed it up. Harley even makes cavalier jokes when
their friends are slaughtered (something Patrick Swayze would
never have done), although Marlboro does punch him out for
doing it.
This is not just another movie so bad it is good, but
rather a movie so abominable it is magnificent!
Ultimately, I pay it the highest
compliment a bad movie can get - it is almost as much fun as
Roadhouse.
Zero stars - but a very high zero!
Tuna's
comments:
A few points
Scoop missed:
- Harley
leaves Texas on his bike, goes through Las Vegas, then goes
over the Altamont Pass, and comes down into Burbank,
California. Unfortunately, the Altamont is between Oakland
and Sacramento, 400 miles north of Burbank.
- Much of
the action takes place in the Air Force boneyard at Davis
Monthan Air Force Base in Tucson. Our boys get there by
hopping a fence from the Burbank airport.
- They jump
40 stories into the hotel pool, kicking their legs the
entire way. If they had actually hit the water spread-legged
as pictured, the actual fall would have given them massive
chlorinated enemas and very sore testicles.
- Although
Johnson is the world's greatest shot, he isn't the world's
greatest thinker. He can't figure out why he can't kill the
bulletproof guys until the third shoot-out, when he finally
realizes that their heads are unprotected.
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Pamela Anderson from the book Barely Private
Tricia Helfer from the book Barely Private
Kerry Knuppe in Skills Like This
Sharon Stone in The Quick and the Dead
Film Clips
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