Weekend with the Babysitter (1970) plays like a made for TV film. Movie director Jim Carlton (George E. Carey) is clearly not getting along with his wife, but we sense that she is at the heart of the problem, not him. When babysitter Candy (Susan Roman) shows up to find out that she isn't needed, and Jim's wife leaves to visit her mother, Jim and Candy start talking. Candy is a young hippy chick, and she tells George how bad the dialogue is in the film he is about to start, and offers to take him on a tour into the youth culture. Jim is played as a very sympathetic character. He accepts, and is accepted by, her circle of friends, and the original intent was not a sexual relationship.

Meanwhile, Jim's wife was anxious to get out of the house because she had used up her heroin stash, and needed to see her pusher. The pusher coerces her into letting them use Jim's boat for a drug run to Mexico. Meanwhile, Jim and Candy become intimate. When Jim finds out the trouble his wife is in in his boat, he enlists Candy and her friends to go after the bad guys.

Susan Roman shows all three Bs in a sex and a shower scene. Annik Borel, as the girlfriend of the pusher, shows a breast when the wife is forced to have sex with her. IMDB readers have this at 4.3 of 10. While it avoids all of the usual cliches, it is not at all compelling, and, in the effort to make Jim a sympathetic character rather than a rich middle aged pig on the make, Jim is just too nice and easygoing to carry the film. C-.

La Rupture (1970):

This nearly-forgotten film from Claude Chabrol is actually a lot more interesting than some of Chabrol's better known classics. It still retains some of Chabrol's negatives:

• The exposition can be clumsy and boring. At one point, he reveals the entire back-story by having the main character recite it all while riding in a tram with her lawyer. There is no visualization to support the story, just a series of talking head shots. This seems to go on and on in real time.
• He commits a cardinal sin in suspense films. He lets politics get in the way of the pacing. The film would move forward at a much better pace if Chabrol would stop being hung up on the corruption and amorality of the wealthy classes, and just stick to the damned story.
• He still allows inconsequential details to creep in and slow the pace. For example, at one point in the hospital, somebody comes up to the main character and says, "are you Mrs. So-and-so?". Neither the questioner nor Mrs. So-and-so are relevant to the plot. She answers in the negative, and the exchange simply has no point at all.

On the other hand, this film also has Chabrol's positives, and adds some intriguing elements to the mix:

• The film starts out with something happening immediately, in a cold opening before the credits! A woman makes breakfast for her family. Her husband comes out of the bedroom wild-eyed and attacks her and their toddler son. The boy is injured. The woman, protecting herself and her son, grabs a heavy pan, and starts clobbering the guy.
• There is a plot. After the big fight in the opening scene, the filthy rich father of the wild-eyed husband doesn't want his daughter-in-law to take away his grandson. He refuses to admit that his son is nutty as a fruitcake. He hires a sleazeball to discredit his daughter-in-law by hook or by crook, with facts if possible, but doing whatever is necessary if the facts are not sufficient. The sleazeball insinuates himself into the life of the daughter-in-law at her boarding house, wins her trust, and hatches various evil schemes. The plot is based on a story by the awarded mystery writer Charlotte Armstrong (The Balloon Man). More than thirty years later, another of Armstrong's stories (The Chocolate Cobweb) would form the basis of Chabrol's popular 2002 film, Merci pour le chocolat.
• The minor characters and sub-plots are quirky and fascinating. Virtually every character in the film is fun to watch. The sleazeball's girlfriend is a nymphomaniac who never wears clothing. The boarding house is filled with complete loonies. There is an aspiring actor who wears a cape and punctuates his every word and gesture with grand theatrical flourishes, ala Jon Lovitz as Master Thespian. There are three dotty old ladies. The landlord in the boarding house is a drunk, and his daughter is ... well, I don't know what's wrong with her. Let's just say her gate is down, and her lights are flashin', but her train ain't comin'. The evil father-in-law is almost as crazy as his wild-eyed son. The mother-in-law reads children's stories to the wild-eyed son, who appears to be in his thirties. There's even an acid trip!
• The sleazeball is an entertaining predecessor of the over-the-top villains often used in modern films.
• The background music is some seriously weird stuff. Much of it was created on an Ondes Martenot, a bizarre French instrument similar to a Theremin. I'm not sure the score was eerie in all the right places, but the sounds certainly added some unique atmosphere.
• Strangely enough, it actually contains scenes from a 8mm porno film-within-the-film, including some lesbian Satan-worshippers. These scenes show no lower body nudity, but are still oddly frank for a mainstream 1970 thriller.

Notes on the DVD:

• there is a widescreen version, but it is letterboxed, not anamorphically enhanced

• the transfer is poor, filled with interlacing problems, motion blur, faded colors, and other signs of aging. It has not been remastered.

• there are some minor features, including the original trailer

• there is a commentary by two critics who are pretty much clueless. For example, they natter on about Chabrol's satirical looks at French society without seeming to realize that the film obviously takes place in Belgium. (The signs are in Dutch!)

Nudity:

• Catherine Rouvel (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
• Lesbian Satan-worshippers (1, 2, 3)
• Here's the curvy Catherine Rouvel in another film

MAILBOX:

Hi Scoopy,

Some weeks ago I sent your first Tinto Brass/Senso45 captures - hope you remember me! Today, I got the original uncut "Female Vampire" with Lina Romay (German version) and found a blowjob scene in this film )(collage #1). There are also some captures a little bit more exciting than the ones you have. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Best wishes

T

Here is what I wrote about that film back in 2000, for Jess Franco's 70th birthday, reviewing the VHS version. (The Region 1 DVD is missing the BJ, but T's captures show that it made the cut in the German version)

"The Bare-Breasted Countess" (1973), from Johnny Web

I did this one for Jess Franco's birthday. He turns 70 TODAY! The big seven-oh. I think probably the best thing about him is that in 41 years of filmmaking, including a stint working with Orson Welles, he hasn't learned one blessed thing. The movies he makes today are every bit as bad as his first efforts, possibly worse. You have to sit back in awe of an accomplishment like that. So happy birthday, Jess. Feliz cumpleanos, amigo.

This film is also known as "The Loves of Irina", "Les Avaleuses", and about a dozen other names, and available in many, many different variations. It's about a female vampire who sucks ... um, well, not necks, if you catch my drift, and I think you do. This particular version is the fairly rare x-rated one. It shows no penetration, but features one on-camera BJ, and a whole bunch of footage trapped between hardcore and softcore (like spread shots and carpet munching, and my favorite when Romay gives a BJ to the penis-shaped bedpost. Presumably to sharpen her skills. Or maybe to sharpen her teeth, because I don't think PetSmart sells any custom chew-toys for Vampires, and the Dark Ones are too embarrassed to buy the doggie chew toys when they don't actually own a pooch.) I wish it were lit a little better, because Romay is so hairy that you can't see anything but hair, even when she opens up.

I've discussed this film and the director, Jess Franco, many times in the past, so I'll give you a bunch of links later if you'd like to learn more about the king of grade-z EuroCrap. Although he is primarily known for his Horrotica films, Franco did not restrict himself to making bad horror films. He made many other kinds of bad films as well. And I use the word "many" advisedly. Possibly he made more movies than anybody else in history. Unfortunately, unlike his fellow European Horrorotica schlockmeister Jean Rollin, who was truly excellent at lighting, Franco couldn't match his sense of cinema with any kind of technical competence, so he has some nicely-composed scenes which are spoiled by poor lighting or fuzzy focus. Alas. So his only positive is the ability to imagine some artistically conceived shots, but even they are spoiled by poor execution.

From the wonderful world of grade-z cinema: it takes money and skill to film real bats. They generally fly at night, they fly low, and they are generally antisocial critters who hang around in unlit places. So, when Franco needed to show the countess flying as a bat, he photographed a medium sized bird flying through the skies. They did at least find one that flapped its wings quite a bit like a bat, I mean at least they didn't use a hawk or something which does a lot of gliding. But it's obviously a bird, it's obviously daytime, it's obviously hundreds of feet in the air, and they just added some bat-like noises to the footage.

During Romay's on-camera BJ, the guy's phaser never stiffened all the way, which I thought was the best acting in the movie, until I heard the guy's voice and realized that he'd be happier sitting in a bubble bath listening to his Judy Garland albums. Hey, Franco, if you just need some hetero guy to work for free and get blown by starlets, send me an e-mail. My address is in the card attached to your birthday present. Or have your people call my people. I'm pretty sure I can work some BJ's into my schedule.

 Links

1. "The Pure and Extreme Cinema of Jesus Franco"
2. "Horrotica! The Sex Scream of Jess Franco"

OTHER CRAP:

• Why isn't Phillippoussis a better tennis player when he has so much talent? His coach says he'd rather bang Anna Kournikova than practice. Hey, we guys can relate to that. If I could bang Kournikova, I wouldn't update the site that often either.
• what kind of movies do the U.S. Presidents watch in their undiclosed theater? JFK liked movies about Gladiators, Tommy. Not surprisingly, GWB likes war movies, and Bill Clinton liked Deep Throat. Oh, wait. Clinton wasn't talking about movies.
• SHOCKED six-year-old Leah Lowland checked out a mystery bulge on her Incredible Hulk doll and uncovered a giant green WILLY." You wouldn't like him when he's angry, but many women like it when it's angry.
• In honor of the 100th anniversary of Kitty Hawk, here's a bunch of bizarre images of early aircraft and would-be aircraft. Great site!
• The Lost Art of the Political Insult
• Martina Navratilova wins 20th Wimbledon title. First one in 8 years. She won the mixed doubles. She admits to 46 years old, making her the oldest winner. Her current career goal is to re-explore heterosexuality with Aston Kutcher.
• speaking of rejuvenated geezers, ultrahot Demi Moore will be the love interest in the next Austin Powers film, Live and Let Pussy Die
• Kobe Bryant charged with sexual assault in Colorado
• Extra dies during the filming of $180 million epic. Troy, filmed mainly in Malta, stars Brad Pitt, Peter O'Toole, and Sean Bean
• Mike Tyson says he hates his life so much that he's 'just lookin' forward to goin' to the other world.'
• Hold it -- exactly what is a balk? Don't feel bad if you don't know. Nobody else does either.
• Last strip bar in Fort Lauderdale puts an end to the nudity. When I worked in Broward County, it was nothing but strip clubs, and the beaches were filled with partying teens. El tiempo pasa.
• the "Running of the Nudes" to protest Bullfighting, or bullshitting, or something full of bull.
• christina's new video, "can't hold us down"
• Fabio joins women's tennis tour
• Chicago Tribune picks The 50 Best Magazines

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Isabelle Adjani, bares all in scenes from "One Deadly Summer" (1983).
• Isabelle Adjani, topless in "Queen Margot" (1994).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

"Speaking Parts" (1989)
Canadian Atom Egoyan indie. A newly discovered nude scene is by b-movie actress turned stuntwoman C.J. Fidler (aka Cindy Fidler) at an orgy.

• Cindy Fidler: topless then distant nude.

"On Top Down Under" (2000)
From Erotic Tales Series IV. Icelandic actress Nina GeeWhatsHerName uses a large icicle as a dildo.

• Nina Gunnarsdottir: nude masturbating with icicle.

"Voyage of the Damned" (1976)
Classic movie based on a true story just before WWII. No nudity.

• Faye Dunaway: sexy underwear
• Lynne Frederick: nude but showing nothing.

"Little Vegas" (1990)
Comedy taking place in a desert trailer park. Contains SCTV's Catherine O'Hara closest thing to a nude scene and GLOW wrestler Laura Thompson as the obligatory stripper.

• Catherine O'Hara: skinny dipping but wearing tape on her breasts.
• Laurie Thompson: topless shaking her booty.

"Quest of the Delta Knights" (1993)
Really bad mediaeval action fantasy and MST3 favorite. No nudity but acres of cleavage.

• Brigid Brannagh: cleavage.
• Olivia Hussey: cleavage.
• Unknown: almost falling out of her top.

"Whispers" (1989)
Drama with a tad of necrophilia starring Victoria Tennant and her body double. An uncredited actress plays a woman who has love scene with a mortician. Not too sure, but the autopsy woman may be Rachel Hayward.

• Unknown: boobs and bush as stiff (but only playing dead).
• Linda Singer: sexy as prostitute.

"Crazy Moon" (1986)
Kiefer Sutherland romance about a spoiled rich kid who falls in love with a deaf girl. No nudity.

• Vanessa Vaughan: sexy swimming scenes. (1, 2, 3)

Bonus Nudity

• Holly Dignard: underwear in syndicated "The Outer Limits" tv series episode "Revival". In the original Showtime version she's completely nude.

• Smith Wordes (aka Smitty Wordes): this is the unidentified actress in "Deadly Dancer" (1990). Most of her credits is as a choreographer.

• Mikela J. Mikael: nude in episode of "Bliss" and then having some hot lesbo lovin' with Veronica Hurnick.

• Rachael Crawford: butt and partial breast in "Rude" (1995).

Rachel Weisz