The Apple-Knockers and the Coke (unknown) is an erotic short, with the first two title screens saying "High Quality Films Presents Marilyn Monroe" and "The Apple-Knockers and the coke. It was probably made for old fashion crank peep shows, and is in about 6 parts. The actress takes of her top, picks an apple, rolls it around on her ample chest, then strips completely and drinks a coke, spilling some of it down her front. While I wanted to believe it was Marilyn, and there was a certain amount of resemblance, I was reasonably sure it wasn't her. An Internet search revealed the truth.

The actress is Hefmate of the month from August, 1954, Arline Hunter, who imitated Marilyn in the pictorial striking the same pose Marilyn used in "A New Wrinkle." She shows her body from every angle. This short turned up as one of the extra features on a Something Weird release. The quality is very poor, but this is very rare vintage material. For that reason, I will give it a C.

This is Part Three of the famous Billy Zane Sinking Ship Trilogy which began with Dead Calm in 1989 and included Titanic in 1997. Mr Zane played Mark Antony, who went down with his flagship at the naval battle of Actium.

Not much to say about this. It was a three hour TV miniseries with Timothy Dalton as a believable Julius Caesar, and some nice lookin' sets, but not much else.  The second half tried to condense too many events into its running time. The lead actress is a beautiful Chilean named Leonor Varela. I don't know how good she is in Spanish and French movies, but her acting in English is at a level that makes Pam Anderson seem in comparison to be a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company. Her most important contributions were her dark areolae, which were consistently visible beneath translucent outfits.

• Leonor Varela (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

OTHER CRAP:

• Beyonce paparazzi pics. (Bikini)
• How will the next Harry Potter movie be different? This is a real citation: “Lots of sex,” says Alfonso Cuaron, the Mexican director who’s taken over the reins of the series from Chris Columbus. “Lots of nudity. And lots of sex.” Unfortunately, he's kidding.
• The history of the word "fuck" and its importance in society.
• "The towns of Eagle and Vail Colorado are shielding public information and they have no legal right to do it.". The police offered the cryptic remark that these items have nothing to do with the Kobe case, but might cause the case irreparable harm if released! I believe in order for that to be true, the incidents must be related to the pre-Kobe conduct of the accuser, and must be related to previous sexual escapades or previous rape claims.
• The new face of Buddhism - the Dalai Lama is packin' heat. I know what you're thinking. Did the Lama fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, he's kinda lost track himself. But being as he owns a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: "Unga Galoonga?" Well, do ya, punk?
• Renee Zellweger is eating 20 doughnuts per day to gain 30 pounds for Bridget Jones sequel. With pictures.
• Kobe Case involves anal sex - per Matt Drudge
• The United States, furthering their attempt to convince the Iraqi public of the deaths of Saddam's two most powerful and sadistic sons, will display Uday and Qusay in a staged puppet show this upcoming Tuesday. Jonathan Freeman, the voice of Jafar in the Disney movie Aladdin has been tapped to play the voice of Uday while Gilbert Gottfried will play Qusay, the crazy yet hilarious sidekick, for comedy relief.
• Bob Hope dead at 100

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Frances McDormand flashes her breasts.

• Kate Beckinsale, looks great, but no nudity.

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

comments by Copperhead

The Crimson Pirate (1996):

IMDb page

Hey Scoop, not sure if the timing of this was an accident, or it is trying to capitalize on the recent Pirate craze.  I rented a DVD of the 1952 Burt Lancaster movie The Crimson Pirate.  It turned out to be quite an adventure. The highlight was the acrobatics.  The bio included tells how Burt and his co-star, Nick Cravat, were long-time friends, who not only made several movies together, but had performed in their own acrobatic troup as youngsters.  The acrobatics aboard ship and in town were quite good, especially for that time.  For example, they used the "swing and kip up on the poles between buildings, way before Kurt Thomas perfomed similar moves in Gymkata.  The most interesting thing to me, was that Cravat had played the Gremlin in the famous Twilight Zone TV Episode, which also starred the Fun House favorite, William Shatner. In the Crimson Pirate, his character is mute, which leads to some humor, but according the IMDB, it was due to his strong east coast accent.

BTW - no nudity and not a lot of Pirate Dialogue - Arrggghh!!!

Scoop's note: when they nominate the most athletic film stars of all time, Burt Lancaster has to be near the top of the list. That sumbitch was strong and incredibly agile as well. Although 6'2" and muscled, he could flip around like a little gymnast. In The Swimmer he was about the age I am now, and performed the entire movie in a small swimming suit. (And looked good doing it, the bastard.)

Perfect Timing (1986)

IMDb page

Hey Scoop, you ran a pic from this movie recently, so I thought it would be "Perfect Timing" to send the review.

DISTRIBUTOR INFO/ACTRESSES: 

Jo Anne Bates, Kelly Craig, Nancy Cser, Papusha Demitro, Alexandra Innes, Mary Elizabeth Rubens, Michele Scarabelli (TVs Airwolf w/Jan Michael Vincent).   Several of these have long lists of TV credits.  Michele Scarabelli lists everything from Dallas to Star Trek, Beverly Hills 90120 to Diagnosis Murder.  This is probably Out of Print and only available used/auction (no VHS/DVD outlets shown on the IMDB). 

DETAILS: 

I read about one of the scenes (described below) on the internet, and looked for this title. A famous photographer is having a career crisis.  He's also fighting feelings for his longtime assistant, even though he is surrounded by beautiful naked women.  A sub plot involves his sleazy brother who takes advantage of his fame with the above mentioned naked women.  There is also a naked or topless girl covered in plaster, and the making of a music video (a very bad music video) with total nudity throughout.  

The IMDB has mixed reviews that are interesting to read.  It is called a comedy, a sex farce, and totally without plot.  It is Rated R, and if The Turn On aka  "Click" (or Le Declic in French) is the perfect example of what an Unrated film should be, this may be the perfect example of an R-Rated film of this genre.

NUDITY: 

Has some great scenes, all well-lit with extended nudity.  A perfect example  is the girl that comes to have her portrait done.  The sleazy brother impersonates the photographer, and coerces the girl into stripping.  When she comes out completely naked, she is embarrassed to find that she was tricked into exposing everything in front of several strangers.  A couple of the women wander in and out of the kitchen,
after sessions with the brother, totally nude, carrying on conversations with whoever is there. One of them tries to hide behind the refrigerator door when she discovers she is not alone.  One peculiar thing about the actresses, several of them fit a mold - brunette, dark bush, small firm breasts (well, now that I write it, there's nothing wrong with that).  One of his models was more of a glamorous blonde, but she only showed a breast. Another actress was a rich older lady who also failed to show as much.  His female assistant was cast from another mold altogether, cute,.green eyes, with short blonde hair.  Nothing wrong with that either, but as the assistant, she was the "forbidden" element - she wasn't walking through the kitchen naked like the models, so of course I, the viewer, wanted to see her naked too.  Well, when she finally has a love scene, the director completely changes the style of the movie - soft, out-of-focus shots, with fleeting glimpses of breast, and even more fleeting glimpses of bush. Frustrating to say the least.

There is also some male Full Frontal nudity, so be warned.

FINAL COMMENTS:

A reviewer on the CNDB said "This is a classic film with some great nudity and appalling comedy."   As Dalton says in Road House: "Opinions vary". Maybe on the comedy, but as far as the nudity, this is truly a "classic".

Today we take a look at a couple of B-Movie babes from 1996's "Bikini Academy", which was originally released as "Babe Watch Forbidden Parody", but renamed for it's DVD release.

First up is the veteran Tane McClure in topless scenes in all but cap # 1.

• Tane McClure (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Then on to a younger Raelyn Saalman who is topless in a sex scene in the pool.

• Raelyn Saalman (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Nothing much to this movie but a little T & A

The first Batch are from the movie "True Romance: The Initiation" (2002). It's a foreign movie, dubbed, but the girls are gorgeous. The blonde rocks my boat.

• Alexandra Lewis, showing off a great bum and some pubes.

• Alia De Angelis, all 3 B's (1, 2)

• Irčne Tellier, breasts, bum and bush.

• Irčne Tellier and Alexandra Labrousse, all 3 B's and lesbo lovin'.

• Irčne Tellier and Alexandra Lewis, even more lesbian scenes with plenty of exposure.

• Irčne Tellier and Alia De Angelis, 3 way lovin' with mostly breasts, plus a hint of pubes here and there.

• Nathalie Monduit, even more breasts and bush.

• Nathalie Raynal, all 3 B's.

Next...'caps from the late night series "The Best Sex Ever".

First up, scenes from the "Dirty Dancing" episode, featuring Jezebelle Bond before she turned her body into a human canvas and put enough rings, studs and pins in her body to set off a metal detector ten feet away.

• Jezebelle Bond, all the good parts and pleny of pseudo sex. (1, 2)

• Jezebelle Bond and Nichole, all 3 B's in lesbian and 3-way scenes. (1, 2)

Bringing up the rear...scenes from the "Fantasy Nights" episode.

• Keri Windsor, breasts and pubes. (1, 2)

• Keri Windsor and Wendy Rice, mostly boobs, plus lesbian and 3-way scenes. (1, 2, 3)

First official review I've seen of "Gigli," from an actual reporter who's seen the final cut. Apparently, it's a new low water mark in bad movie history...

Review: Ben and J-Lo's 'Gigli': It's Turkey Time, Gobble, Gobble

NAKED PAINTBALL HUNTS A HOAX
There Is Life After Reality TV! - The story of a Las Vegas company charging men up to $10,000 to hunt naked women with paintball guns was a hoax, fed to the media to sell a spoof video. Friday, Vegas officials announced the results of an investigation launched after they got a flood of complaints from feminists. The video maker initially insisted the hunts were real, but finally admitted the hunters and nude prey on the video were actors and actresses.