"Heaven's Prisoners"

Heaven's Prisoners (1996) is really two films. First, we have a southern potboiler with next to no atmosphere for the first hour, then we start a slow motion action film. Alec Baldwin is an ex New Orleans homicide detective who was forced off the force due to his drinking. He is now happily married, and running a bayou bait shop and fishing for a living. When a plane crashes in the water near him and he rescues a little girl. Then things start going wrong. The plane crash killed a DEA undercover agent, and made the local bad guy and his Mafia connections look bad. People start leaning on Baldwin, and he starts investigating, ignoring his wife and the little girl, whom they kept.

Then, after an hour of Baldwin's posturing, some bad dudes blow away his wife trying to kill him. That is the point where we start a slow motion revenge film. I am sorry, but a pot boiler without atmosphere doesn't work, and an actioner requires pace. Worried that the audience would be to stupid to follow this mess, they hit you over the head with things that will become important plot clues later, such as Kelly Lynch's fondness for Gin Rickey's, and the fact that she never used a coaster.

TeriHatcher appears on a balcony completely nude in one of the more famous nude appearances of a major celebrity. We also have breast exposure from Connie Whittemore as a stripper. IMDB readers have this at 5.4 of 10. It only scored 15% at Rotten Tomatoes, and, for me, it committed the unpardonable sin, it bored me to tears. Low C-.

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  • Connie Whittemore (1, 2)
  • Teri Hatcher (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    "Just One of the Guys"

    Just One of the Guys (1985) is finally available on DVD. Joyce Hyser plays a High School student who believes she failed to win a summer internship with a newspaper because she is female. She decides to enroll in a different High School as a guy and win the contest there. Of course, things don't go quite as expected, and she falls in love with a guy at the new High School. While they seem to fill the entire 90 minutes with something, that is essentially the entire plot.

    At the end, Hyser exposes her breasts to the guy she has fallen for to convince him she is really a she, which is not only the climax, but clearly the real high water mark of the film. They include a lot of strange characters, such as Trekies, a kid with a thing for reptiles, and a jock/bully, but try to get as much mileage as they can out of Hyser's problems with dressing for Phys Ed and using the Mens room.

    IMDB readers have this at 5.7 of 10. The nude scene is excellent for a PG-13 film. Call this a coming of age comedy that scores swell with the under 18 set, but not really much substance for anyone too far past puberty. C-.

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  • Joyce Hyser (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    "The Kiss"

    The Kiss (1988) is a very weak horror effort chiefly notable for showing us villain Joanna Pacula's breasts in three different scenes. Seems she is possessed, Alien style, by a nasty little creature, and needs to kill her sister, then pass the beastie down to her niece, Meredith Salenger. Along the way, she does some sport humping with her brother in law, and kills several people just because it seemed like a good idea using mind control and a phantom cat. The title comes from the fact that the beastie is passed from generation to generation mouth to mouth.

    Nothing other than Pacula's breasts were special, and this one took forever to end. By the time they got around to killing the phantom cat in a bug zapper, I was too dazed to enjoy it. IMDB readers have this at 4.7 of 10. The gore effects were nothing special, but the transfer was a nicely done anamorphic Widscreen. Low C-.

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  • Joanna Pacula (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Stone Reader (2002):

    Stone Reader is a very special documentary that has nothing to do with celebrity nudity, and will be of interest only to those of you who really love serious literature. Read my lengthy comments here.




    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.



    • Emmanuelle Beart was naked for something like three hours of running time in La Belle Noiseuse. The entire film is about 32 hours long. OK, it isn't that long, but it sure SEEMS that long. Seriously, I think the long version runs about four hours. Here's the general idea. (.avi version, .wmv version)

    • I don't expect Carla Gugino to do any more nude scenes. Her career has taken a very different path. So enjoy her while you can, in Jaded. The last two .wmv's are very dark, violent, lesbian sex scenes, which may even be visible if you have a dark monitor. The first one is the one you don't want to miss, because Gugino shows everything, in the shower, in good light. These days she is much thinner, much prettier, and in much better shape, but back then she had some seriously full jubblies. (.avi version, (.wmv version #1, .wmv version #2, .wmv version #3)

    • I don't know if you really want to see Babs Streisand in the buff, but here she is topless in The Owl and the Pussycat. Actually, she had a very nice chest.  (.avi version, .wmv version).


    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    Brief breast views, plus an open crotch shot (with panties) in scenes from her mega-flop, "Swept Away".

    Liz Crawford
    (1, 2)
    Tatyana Ali

    From a Canadian slasher movie called "The Clown at Midnight" (1998). Crawford goes topless and former "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" co-star Ali shows a bunch of cleavage.

    Sanaa Lathan
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    From the movie "Disappearing Acts" (2000). We see a brief nipple sighting in #1 and Lathan in a red bra for links 2-5. You'll be able to see her on the big screen later this year in "Alien Vs. Predator" (2004).

    Marlee Matlin
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Rachel Hunter
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Both ladies are topless in scenes from the Erotic thriller "Two Shades of Blue" (2000), starring Eric Roberts. That was a busy year for Roberts with 14 IMDb credits for 2000! I guess he gets paid by the hour.

    Jenny Mollen
    (1, 2)

    Kudos to the WB for almost putting bare breasts on the air! The Rock made few 'caps from this week's episode of "Angel". The scene was originally much darker, but he did an excellent job adjusting the lighting to reveal the goodies!

    Linnea Quigley
    Karen Russell
    Both ladies topless in Kitt 'caps from the 1988 B-movie "Vice Academy".

    Anna Levine Thompson
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the American actress who has become a cult favorite in France. Here she is showing off her big'uns (and maybe even some pubes too -look in the mirror) in scenes from "Six Ways to Sunday" (1997).

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    "Nobody Likes Sara Lee" - Researchers at Sanofi-Synthelabo Inc. in England are testing a drug that prevents cannabis smokers from getting the munchies. The drug is called rimonabant, and it will be marketed as an anti-obesity and stop-smoking drug. But it works by turning off the same biological "switch" in the brain that makes people hungry after they smoke pot. The industry is already forecasting sales of $945 million a year for the drug.

  • To Courtney Love alone.
  • And also for pot.
  • And losses of over a billion dollars to Frito-Lay and Little Debbie.
  • This could singlehandedly keep Woody Harrelson from turning into Marlon Brando.

    How Many X-Boxes Does One Kid Need? - Clothing tycoon Peter Nygard is fighting a lawsuit by an ex-lover to make him pay $68,000 a month child support for their 16-year-old son and $5.5 million in retroactive payments. His lawyers are making a unique argument: they plan to call an expert witness to testify that "too much money is bad for children," and paying that much will spoil the boy and give him "affluenza."

  • Oh, if he lives with his mother, he's already been exposed to that.
  • That expert witness: Paris Hilton's dad.
  • Spoiled rich kids are very susceptible to picking up exotic diseases...Paris Hilton, for example.
  • He's right: the kid should learn to scrape by on $30,000 a month.

    She Bangs - If you've noticed that "Today" show host Katie Couric is sporting awfully long bangs, Women's Wear Daily claims it's more than a hair choice. "Today" is about to switch to high-definition TV, and WWD claims that Couric is worried about her age lines and is planning a brow lift. They say the bangs are to hide the surgery.

  • They're so long, she must be getting the bags under her eyes removed, too.
  • Once all TV goes hi-def, every woman will be wearing her hair like Cousin Itt.
  • One benefit: she doesn't need eye makeup now.
  • Why is this so hush-hush? We got to see her COLONOSCOPY!