Best Nude Scenes of 2006:
Preliminary list. Please
write me if I have forgotten any key scene.
- Anapola Mushkadiz in Battle In Heaven
- Maggie Gyllenhaal in Sherrybaby
- Salma Hayek in Ask the Dust
- Jacqueline Quinones in Hard Luck
- Jennifer Miller in Lucky Number Slevin
- Gretchen Mol in The Notorious Bettie Page
- Brittany Daniel in Rampage
- Bai Ling in Edmond
- Annabeth Gish in Brotherhood (TV)
- Jennifer Aniston in The Break-Up
- Barbara Nedeljakova in Hostel
- Kyra Sedgwick in Loverboy
- Sarah Polley in The Secret Life of Words
- Sophia Myles in Art School Confidential
- Katherine Heigl in Side Effects
- Amanda Righetti in Angel Blade
- Lauren Lee Smith in Lie With Me
- Robin Tunney in Open Window
- Kate Winslet in Little Children
- Leela Savasta in Masters of Horror:Haeckel's Tale (TV)
- Edie Falco in The Quiet
- Tara Fitzgerald in In a Dark Place
- Kristanna Loken in Bloodrayne
- Crystal Lowe in Final Destination 3
- Chelan Simmons in Final Destination 3
- Helena Bonham Carter in Conversations with Other Women
- Sarah Lassez in Mad Cowgirl
- Candace Smith in Beerfest
- Naomie Harris in Miami Vice
- Asia Argento in The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things
- Meital Dohan in God's Sandbox
- Meital Dohan in Weeds (TV)
- Monet Mazur in Stoned
- Monet Mazur in Whirlygirl
- Zara Taylor in Hollow Man 2
- Zara Taylor in Totally Awesome
- Abbie Cornish in Somersault
- Abbie Cornish in Candy
- Tuva Novotny in Stoned
- Tiffany Shepis in Abominable
- Irene Montala in Russian Dolls
- Anne Steffens in Russian Dolls
- Alice Braga in Lower City
- Susan Anbeh in Agnes and his Brothers
- Maria Botto in Only Human
- Vanessa Ferlito in Shadowboxer
- Jordana Brewster in Nearing Grace
- Olivia Colman in Confetti
- Sook Yin Lee in Shortbus
- Rinko Kikuchi in Babel
- Julianne Nicholson in Flannel Pajamas
- Rachel Bella in Jimmy and Judy
- Jolene Blalock in Slow Burn
- Stephanie Leonidas in The Feast of the Goat
- Joy Bryant in Get Rich or Die Trying
- Nora Zehetner in Conversations with Other Women
- Anna Friel in Niagara Motel
- Pell James in The King
- Samantha Noble in See No Evil
- Stephanie Sherrin in Kids in America
- Leonor Varela in Americano
- Samantha Mcleod in Snakes on A Plane
- Diora Baird in HotTamale
- Caroline Dhavernas in These Girls
- Holly Lewis in These Girls
- Pollyanna Mcintosh in Headspace
- Laura Bottrell in Huff (TV)
- Nicole Robinson in Huff (TV)
- Marisa Coughlan in Masters of Horror:Damned Thing (TV)
- Paula Malcolmson in Deadwood (TV)
- Sarah Pachelli in Deadwood (TV)
- Kattia Ortiz in Entourage (TV)
- Gina Torres in The Shield (TV)
- Misti Traya in Nip Tuck (TV)
Joysticks isn't much of a movie, but it brings back a helluva lot
of memories. As I look back on the early 1980s, there are two pop
culture trends that stick out on my mind:
(1) The video game craze. There were hordes of teenagers hanging around
in arcades, obsessed with the flickering images of Galaxian, Zaxxon,
Space Invaders, Ms. Pac-Man, and all the rest of the arcade games of
the second and third generation (Pong having been the first
generation). It was a craze, perhaps not as pictured in this movie,
but it was truly nuts. Convenience stores were ripping out more and
more shelves every day to add video games. Bars without video games
might as well have been without beer. Pac-Man made the cover of Time.
(2) Youthsploitation sex comedies. In the same era, sexy, youth-oriented comedies
were gold. Porky's, Risky Business, Revenge of the Nerds, Ferris
Bueller, and all their clones and sequels were bringing in dollars in
theretofore unimaginable quantities. I think Porky's is still, to this
day, the highest-grossing Canadian movie of all time, even though
ticket prices are now about double what they were then.
games and youth-oriented sexploitation. Joysticks incorporates both.
Perhaps the worst of both.
A hunky young man
is running a video game arcade in his grandfather's absence. He is
assisted by the local nerd and the fat slob video game champion.
Unlike some of the comedies of the era, the nerds and the cool guys
all get along and encourage each other in this universe. All they want
to do is have fun playing video games and getting girls naked, but
there are those who oppose that way of life. In the 1980s they were
not represented by Che or Osama bin Laden, but by Joe Don Baker,
playing a stuffy local tight-ass who has made our hero's arcade the
target of a shut-down campaign because he caught his daughter on the
premises in some unsavory situations. The secondary baddie is an evil
video game player called King Vidiot, who wears make-up like the Joker
on Batman and travels with an entourage of four girls who pretend to
be the Pac-Man ghosts. The story gets resolved when it is finally
decided that the great battle between the video arcade and the uptight
Joe Don will be decided by a game of Super Pac-Man, with King Vidiot
playing as Joe Don's champion.
kinda lame, doesn't it?
Well, it's a lot
worse than it sounds.
Even with such a
lame premise, Joysticks might have been a fun little exploitation film if it
had been pitched at the Risky Business level, but it just pitched everything
at too low a brow and too young an audience. Although it is an R-rated film,
the writers were obviously targeting the 11-13 crowd. Every character is
exaggerated beyond cartoon proportions. Every situation is overacted with
hammy disregard for credibility, as the actors engage in a clumsy struggle for
the most juvenile laughs. The fat guy goes for leg-raising farts and food on
his clothing. The nerd says "oh, golly" every other sentence and cleans the
game screens while people are trying to play. The stock valley girl isn't even
recognizable as a person. If you asked a bunch of seventh graders to act out
their impressions of vals, video addicts, geeks and hippies, their
interpretations would be no less subtle than those which Joysticks put up on
the screen. It's just a really bad movie and the DVD makes it seem even worse.
The disc has no features at all, not even a widescreen transfer, and has
obviously been transferred from an old full-screen VHS print. And not even a
good VHS print. There are innumerable lighting and color shifts, and some
scenes are so dark that facial features can't even be seen.
The director, Greydon Clark, started in the business as
an actor in grade-B biker movies and the like, and he eventually branched out
into directing. And what a resume he assembled. Joysticks is actually in the
top half of his career output!
Black Shampoo (1976)
Without Warning (1980)
The Return (1980)
Satan's Cheerleaders (1977)
Lambada, the Forbidden Dance (1990)
Final Justice (1985)
Angels' Brigade (1979)
Any career that includes such diverse fare as Satan's
Cheerleaders, Joysticks, and Lambada, the Forbidden Dance is OK by me. After
all, there are plenty of guys who made bad movies, but can you name anyone who
made so many different kinds of bad movies? Greydon is the Renaissance Man of
Yes, Joysticks is awful, but what a strange load of 80s memories it stirs!
It's the kind of bad movie that reminds one about everything that was
wrong with movies in that era. In that respect, it symbolizes the
seamy underbelly of early 80s films just as The Last Movie did for the
hippie era. It does no less for the culture itself. In its unsubtle
evocation of the video game craze, it encapsulates the feeling of the
time with ... well ... unswerving inaccuracy, but an inaccuracy that
now seems in retrospect to have caught one angle quite well, like
a bad street artist's hastily drawn caricature which we stuff away in
a box of memorabilia because it is too incompetent to frame, then find
oddly compelling when we drag it out a decade later, because it does
seem to say something about what we were almost like, or how some
people might have viewed us.
In other words, Joysticks is a time capsule, but
not one which limns
the way we were. Rather it shows us the way we had barely enough sense to
- Two long
zipped .wmv clips with Kym Malin (blonde) and
Kim Michel (brunette). In the first they flash their breasts at a nerd because
they're playing a game that requires a picture of a nerd with his
pants off. In the second, which is more than two minutes long as the
only entertaining thing in the film. The three main characters
run a scam to get the two bims to run into the arcade topless.
- The nerd spies on an unidentified blonde in a hot tub.
- Joe Don describes the den of sin he imagines in the arcade.
Various anonymous topless cuties are pictured.
- Erin Halligan in a dark sex scene told in flashback.
Bonus: Corinne Bohrer is in this film (as the mindless valley
girl) and didn't show any forbidden flesh, so I included Mr Skin's films of her
in Dead Solid Perfect. Great, great nude scene (two
zipped .wmvs), but tragically unavailable available on DVD. The old guy on
the stairs is Dan Jenkins, author of Dead Solid Perfect and one of my favorite
books, Semi-Tough. He's also a semi-famous sportswriter his own self.
The Other Crap site has simply become too big and detailed to fit into my Fun House column. It contains far too much info, too many graphics, too many news feeds, and too many embedded videos to include here. Plus the scoopy.net version was always a day out of synch.
You fans please catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Convent of Sinners (1986)
Eva Grimaldi is raped by her father. Because of this lack of decorum on her
part, she is forced to become a nun. After her novitiate, she is sent to a
convent which is, surprise surprise surprise, filled with lesbians. Mother
superior takes a liking to her, much to the chagrin of the second in command
and former lover of mother superior. Eva discovers that the father confessor
is also a reluctant cleric, and hopes to get free of her vows with his help.
The second in command, fearful of losing her power and position, tries to
convince everyone that Grimaldi is possessed. Mother superior is sick in bed
and can't help. The bishop hears that Grimaldi wants out, and realizes that
she has a strong case, but decides that the church would not be served by the
hearing, nor by her stories of rampant lesbianism and cruelty in the convent.
I don't want to give too much away, but the entire Catholic Church is a
formidable foe for a young nun.
This is actually a Joe D'Amato nunsploitation film, but that label doesn't
do justice to this effort. D'Amato was too busy telling his story and
attacking the Catholic Church to do much exploiting. People were forced into a
religious life that they didn't want and were not good at. Politics kept the
church from doing the right thing with a poor young girl. The convent was rife
with rampant lesbianism and torture. These factors and more made this a highly
shocking and political film.
As nunsploitation, this is a C-, with barely enough sex and nudity to
satisfy genre requirements. However, it is also of interest as a legitimate
indictment of the Catholic church, and earns a C as a muckraking drama.
IMDb readers say 5.9, not bad for the genre.
DVD: This is one of the best dubbing jobs I have ever seen, and the
transfer is wonderful.
Before we left town with the Time Machine we did some caps of
Jenna Jameson as a "Babe in Bondage" all tied up in
"Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain". The topless Jenna meets a not so good
Meanwhile back in 1985 we have more caps and
two zipped .wmv clips
of another former Playmate of the Month (April 1981),
Lorraine Michaels, naked with a lover in the shower in Malibu Express. As
silly as it sounds (and is), they managed to pull it all together by making it
funny. And because it is funny, it's worth watching.
Notes and collages
The Celebrity Showers continue
Edie Falco in Firehouse
...I respect this actress with natural breasts for her nude scenes;
(the U.S.A. has gone crazy of late with big breasts created by
Sandrine Kiberlain in The Patriots
...I appreciate how she checks out her own body in a mirror before
closing her robe....
Dann reports on Jose's Place::
There are a lot of strange things about this 2006 direct-to-video
comedy. For one thing, the name Tara Ashleigh just doesn't fit the actress
playing Carmen, but the credits list that name. For another, this thing is
silly, goofy, slapstick, sometimes lame, with shaky acting and a weak
script. One other thing it definitely is: funny. And funny overcomes the
The story revolves around the Hispanic family who owns a furniture
store in the Bronx. To get away from his enraged, fanatically religious
wife after she catches him with his mistress (Tara Ashleigh), Uncle Hector
runs off and joins the army, leaving his nephew Jose and goofy cousin Raul
to run the business. Think dumb and dumber with a slight accent.
Meanwhile, Jose discovers that the store's landlord plans to covert it
into a disco unless the rent is paid up by the end of the month. All this
while Raul has been happily running off customers so they won't disturb
in Exzess und Bestrafung
Kaufmann in Exzess und Bestrafung
We may never get to see real Winona,
but here's cartoon Winona in A Scanner Darkly.