Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Oops. Looks like I'm back at the helm. Junior was going to do
some work while on vacation, and that turned out to be impractical!
- Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated. Big update
Unfaithfully Yours (1984):
It's time once again to test your knowledge of
Hollywood formulas. Sharpen up those #2 pencils, and be sure to
blacken the entire box beside the correct answers.
1) Unfaithfully Yours
stars Dudley Moore as a composer/conductor. The script will mine
this rich vein to:
a. Reveal the deep layers of humor within the
world of classical music.
b. Give Dudley Moore a chance to act drunk.
2) In the course of the film, Dudley Moore will find himself:
a. Struggling with the mysteries of life, especially his
ubiquitous sense of mortality.
b. Making a fool of himself because he's in
love with a younger, taller, soberer woman.
3) Dudley speaks no Italian. He tells his
Italian butler/chef to keep an eye on his young wife (Nastassia
Kinski). The butler:
a. Bravely sacrifices one of his own legs to
rescue Kinski from some street thugs.
b. Misunderstands Dudley and hires a private
eye to follow Kinski.
4) Kinski is completely in love with Dudley, and
is not cheating on him, but the private eye finds ...
a. A link between Iran and the Contras
b. A preposterous coincidence that makes it
seem as if Kinski is cheating with Dudley's womanizing best
friend (Armand Assante)
5) Confronted with his wife's seeming infidelity,
a. Maturely confronts her with what he knows,
whereupon she clears up the misunderstanding and forgives him
for doubting her.
b. Goes to his friend's house, where - by
another preposterous coincidence - he finds an unusual broach
exactly like one his wife owns.
c. Acts really drunk
d. Both b and c
6) When Dudley finds the apparent proof that his
friend is fucking his wife, Dudley and Assante
a) Fight a duel in which they both die
tragically, thus leaving the beautiful young wife free to marry the
simple, heroic, peg-legged chef who saved her life.
b) Have a conversation in which Assante is
talking about some other woman in a lusty and cavalier manner, but
Dudley assumes that the women being discussed is his wife.
c) Both get really drunk.
d) Both b and c.
7) Dudley gets so frustrated by the situation that
a) Divorces Kinski, immerses himself in his
work, and creates a symphony more powerful than Beethoven's 9th.
b) Fantasizes about killing Kinski and framing Assante for
c) Gets really drunk
d) Both b and c.
8) As the actual murder is unfolding, Dudley
a) Succeeds, condemning Assante to the
b) Moves too slowly and clumsily because he is
really drunk. He is stopped at the last minute when, through a
preposterous coincidence, the private detective uncovers some
missing evidence and, through another preposterous coincidence,
is able to tell Dudley about the new facts just in time to
9) When the mix-up is revealed, Dudley
a) Can not bear his shame, and moves to a
monastery, where his inner torment and deep contrition produce
some of the greatest Gregorian chant ever written.
b) Begs for forgiveness, but is initially too
drunk to express himself well. After some cartoony stumbling and
slurring, however, he manages to get forgiven.
Analysis of your answers:
If you answered any a's at all, you are reading
the wrong page. You are looking for
The Family Circus online. If you answered a to question six, you
have seen too many Vittorio DeSica movies.
With a gender reversal, this desperate-for-a-laugh film
might make a good
thirty minute episode of I Love Lucy.
- Kinski = Ricky
- Dudley = Lucy
- Assante = guest star Ava Gardner. Lucy thinks
Ricky is in love with her.
- Albert Brooks and Cassie Yates = Fred and Ethel
OK, maybe not a GOOD episode.
In a way you have to respect a movie which not only features
Dudley Moore acting drunk, but also Armand Assante impersonating a
drunken Dudley Moore. It is a shame that Dudley died before CGI
became so sophisticated, because I would like to see a movie in
which a drunken Dudley Moore plays every character. Except maybe a
guest appearance by Foster Brooks. Unfortunately, the appearance of
a Double Dud did not confer any entertainment value upon this
particular movie. Unfaithfully Yours is just about unwatchable
except for some funny Fred Mertz work from Albert Brooks. As
much as I like Albert, his inestimable comic presence in a
small role is nowhere near enough to salvage this wreck, which
manages to clear even the Olympic-class hurdle for lameness normally
set by Dudley Moore. In fact,
you'll find a picture of Dudley right there when you look up "lame"
in the dictionary. It is impossible to explain to a younger
generation why we oldsters use to think Dudley Moore was funny. I
can remember thinking he was kinda OK, but I can't remember why. I
guess he was just part of the zeitgeist; "in the moment." That
moment has certainly passed, and it is embarrassing to think that I
used to laugh at this guy, so don't ask me to explain it. Extend
some understanding, knowing that some day you'll have to explain
David Spade to your own grandchildren.
- Nastassia Kinski
Prime Cut (1972):
As the opening credits roll, there is a long
prologue which demonstrates the process of making sausage, from a
parade of live cows to the last step of placing the meat inside the
sausage casings. There is a moment of surrealism - a human shoe on
one of the assembly lines, casually ignored by a mechanical process
untended by humans. What does it all mean? Be patient.
The film begins in earnest with a tough guy named
Nick (Lee Marvin) trying to enjoy a quiet drink in a Chicago
watering hole. He is approached by a colleague and from their
conversation we can deduce that a Kansas City mobster owes the long
green, some five hundred large, to the Irish division of the Chicago
mob. The Chicago boys had previously sent some of their men in to
collect the accounts, but those men were killed, processed in meat
grinders, and sent back to Chicago as sausages. Aha! Now we
understand the shoe in the meat-packing plant. At any rate, the time
has obviously come to call on the greatest mob enforcer of them all
- Nick the Mick. A reluctant Nick takes the job because the pay is
sweet and because he already has a personal score to settle with the
Kansas City guy (Gene Hackman). Something about a girlfriend.
That scene in the bar goes on too long but, compared
to the rest of this movie, it seems as hectic as the intro to Roger
In order to take on the Kansas City boys, the
Chicago mobsters can't just hop on a plane with their tommy guns, so
they crowd into a black limo and drive to Missouri - in real time.
Or at least it seems like it. We see fields of waving wheat, highway
signs that say "St. Louis" and "Kansas City", and more wheat. This
is truly one of the great wheat-oriented films. Then the director
takes a bold step to break the beige monotony of wheat. We see some
fields of sunflowers! Whoa! My heart nearly skipped a beat at the
excitement. Then we look out the window of the limo into the
nighttime city skyline of St Louis. Oh, hell, still not in Kansas
City. Are we almost there yet?
They do finally get out of the car, but things don't
speed up much. The rest of the movie basically consists of
shoot-outs in barns, shoot outs in wheat fields, shoot-outs at
county fairs, and shoot-outs in sunflower fields. All of those
shoot-outs pitted Lee Marvin and his fellow Chicago mobsters against
a bunch of rifle-totin', tow-headed farm boys in overalls. I wish to
God I was making this up, but that's really what happened.
The early 70s represented a time of great
experimentation in filmmaking. The smell of cultural revolution was
in the air to begin with, and an anti-establishment atmosphere
pervaded the film business, which always seems to act as a barometer
of the country's changing attitudes. The general climate of
anti-authoritarianism was magnified by a parallel development in the
American film industry. The restrictive Hayes Code, a set of rules
and regulations regarding the portrayal of sex and violence on film,
had been replaced by version 1.0 of the MPAA rating system. The old
proscriptions had been lifted and almost any kind of content was
fair game as long as it was properly labeled. As in any period
marking the end of a long suppression, people were keen on
exercising the freedom just because it was suddenly there, after
having been pent-up for more than three decades. Although
superficially a mobster film, Prime Cut provided the basics required
by the new cultural standards: it provided plenty of violence,
plenty of female flesh, and plenty of thumbed noses to the
Since Prime Cut is filled with daring ideas, you can
assume that some of them worked. Law of averages. The film has some
There is some visual imagination. Gene Hackman and
Sissy Spacek (in her first credited role) literally run away from
the reaper - no, not the Grim Reaper, but the McCormick Reaper.
Just as Hackman and Spacek are about to be overtaken by a gigantic
combine in a wheat field, the other Chicago mobsters show up and
ram their black limo into the reaper, thus disabling the gigantic
machine. The scenes in wide-open fields are stunning in the
panoramic expanse of their scope. These scenes have never seemed
very impressive on video tape, with a claustrophobic 4:3 aspect
ratio, but the DVD presents the film in its original 2.35:1 aspect
ratio, and that allows the impressive cinematography to strut its
stuff, displaying the beautiful choreography between the combine,
the limo, and the pedestrians as they maneuver around the wheat
field. Shot from eye level, the limo can barely be seen as it
barrels through the wheat, a shark fin barely visible above water.
Shot from a higher altitude, the limo leaves a clear trail of
damaged stalks behind it.
There are some wild ideas. Hackman runs some kind
of meat business as a legitimate front for his drugs and
prostitution racket. The one creative idea in the film is that he
runs a very different kind of prostitution operation, one based on
the same principles as his meat business. He kidnaps orphaned
girls, raises them in seclusion from male companionship, then
auctions them off as virginal slaves when they reach an
appropriate level of development. Prior to the auction, he
displays the girls stark naked in pens, as if they were cattle.
Such subtlety! A reaper coming for your life! People
with the corporate mentality who can't distinguish between people
and animals! If the symbolism were any more obvious, there would be
a train entering a tunnel before every sex scene.
The bottom line is that this is a very slow-paced
and obvious film, but with two classic macho stars, and some
beautiful grains of wheat hidden among the chaff. It's a decent
flick, but if you love films you will think you could take the
original footage and cut it into a great movie.
Sissy Spacek (
Janit Baldwin (
Angel Tompkins (1,
Extras (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Smile for the Google 3D mapdailyjune05 truck: "Google plans to
use trucks equipped with lasers and digital photographic equipment
to create a realistic 3D online version of San Francisco, and
eventually other major US cities. "
CBC Television - The Planet of the Doctor (Doctor Who) documentary
- free online
Best prom clothing made of duct tape
- URL says it all:
'Herbie: Fully Loaded' - behind-the-scenes peek and a clip
Two new clips from Batman Begins. (#2 and #3, bottom of
The Daily Show's Rob Corddry lends insight to Bush and Blair's
Jon Stewart interviews Colin Powell
- Submitter wrote: "For those of your members in the LA area:
The Erotic Film Series. The American Cinematheque is
noted for presenting offbeat series - they are also about to do a
Godzilla/Ultraman one also."
German city builds 'sex huts' for World Cup. Dortmund
wants to provide discreet spots for prostitutes, clients. I expect
a German court will soon rule whether this is highly inconvenient.
"Kids, You Wait In The Trunk" ... Woman charged with
stowing children in back while she ran errands
I love Japanese television - The homemade jetpack show.
American TV needs more reality shows with a high risk of death.
Wouldn't American Idol be a much better show if the losers were
shot from the stage while strapped to a jetpack?
Latino Review talks to Jennifer Connelly about Dark Water
- Weekly World News:
DICK CHENEY'S CELLULITE NIGHTMARE ... THEY SAY HE WEARS
THE PANTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE -- & it's a good thing!
- Honey, he's got it bad," says the disgruntled White House
secretary who leaked the explosive photo to Weekly World News
after Cheney -- who often hurls epithets at other men on the
floor of the U.S. Senate and in church -- told her to "Fuck off,
ho," when she asked him for the time as they passed in a hall.
Letterman's "Top Ten Ways George Bush Can Regain His Popularity"
- "Ditch the librarian and make Eva Longoria First Lady"
DEAN CALLS REPUBLICANS FAT, UGLY ... Apologizes for
Omitting Insults from Recent Tirade
Do NOT shake hands with a mointain climber
Mr. And Mrs. Smith - new featurette (bottom of page -
The Daily Show asks whether Tony Blair is President Bush's
Israeli Doctor: "Jesus may have died from a blood clot that
reached his lungs" Does that mean if they hadn't
crucified him he would have died at the same time anyway? Those
apostles should have made him quit smoking.
Bill Clinton gets crank-called by finder of Jimmy Buffett's lost
cell phone. Jimmy Buffett has Bill Clinton on speed
German court finds nude cycling "highly inconvenient."
I think you have to respect a country where the possible appelate
court rulings include "unconstitutional," "illegal," and "highly
inconvenient." Your honor, we find the defendant, Mr O.J. Simpson,
- If this were a humor site, it would not be that funny. Given
that it is dead serious, it's definitely a hoot.
Official Portrait of North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il displayed at
an entrance of the foreign ministry in Pyongyang
Astronomy Pic o the Day - Rampaging Supernova Remnant
- Although apparently ready to roll,
The Pink Panther re-make has been pushed out of the summer release
schedule. Apparently somebody in management actually
saw the trailer, and snapped to his senses. New release date
February 10th. But that could change to ... oh, I don't know ...
maybe ... NEVER!
A trailer for Gus Van Sant's Last Days, a thinly
disguised version of Kurt Cobain's final days.
The Other 45 Ways to Leave Your Lover
Doctor Macro's High Quality Movie Scans. Some rare and
- URL says it all:
Artist Dave Devries takes children's drawings of monsters and
turns them into paintings.
- URL says it ... you know the drill:
- WannaBeHip.com -
- URL says it all again:
- URL says it all:
OnlineTimeTravelPharmacy.com, "The most trusted site on
the net for time travel pills"
A-Rod becomes the youngest-ever member of the 400 homer club.
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Extreme Justice (1993) purports to be a true to life story of an elite death squad working inside the LAPD. Their task is to target repeat felons, catch them in the act, and eliminate them from society. Lou Diamond Phillips is invited to join this squad, the SIS, and at first thinks he has finally found his dream job, until he realizes that the group's goal is to have every caper end in a justifiable shooting, even if that means watching young girl get raped, or allowing someone to commit an armed robbery and kill people in the process. His girlfriend, crime reporter Chelsea Field, is not impressed with his new group, and he falls out of love as well when they kill a 17 year old thief wielding a pellet gun.
Field shows her left breast in a sex scene. There are a few good action sequences. IMDb readers have this at 4.7 of 10. It is more or less watchable, earning it a C-.
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Today is another "Hankster Light " B-movie day.
First up is Michelle Bauer in a shower scene from "Camp Fear". She is surely one of the all time greats in B-movies, but don't buy this one if your a fan, she's only in the first five minutes and then she's
gone. You can see it all in these caps...and it's a really bad movie. So a win-win for Grade-Z movie fans.
- Michelle Bauer
Next we move on to "Raptor". Lorissa McComas shows off her impressive hooters in a outdoor night time scene. Also, one of my favorites, Melissa Brasselle strips down to her bra & panties. Sadly she just will not lose that top! Maybe someday....
- Lorissa McComas
- Melissa Brasselle
NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.
A little variety from the Ghost today....
First up, a few teasers from the 1987 comedy favorite, "Summer School" (1987).
Next up, The Ghost takes us back to the mid-early 90's for these 'caps and vids from the direct-to-vid erotic thriller, "Night Fire" (1994).
- First we have the original Queen of Skinemax, Shannon Tweed topless and also blindfolded and tied down in some Hankster-approved scenes.
- Shannon Tweed zipped .wmvs
- Rochelle Swanon shows off her robo-hooters in several scenes. A 90's Skinemax regular, Swanson has basically retired from movie making as her only job since 1998 was about 2 years ago.
- Rochelle Swanson zipped .wmvs
|Sam from Big
|Topless in the last episode
|Starbase 'caps of the Columbian born beauty looking fantastic while topless and also showing a bit of rear nudity in scenes from the Peruvian movie, "Pantaleón y las visitadoras" (2000).
|Señor Skin takes a look at one of our all time favorite tongue in cheek B-Movies, "Deathstalker II". Here we have the former Pet looking in her topless (and showing a bit o' bum in #11) back in her prime.
Scoop and I have talked about "Deathstalker II" on several occasions, and in my opinion, it's not only the "Citizen Kane" of silly sword and sorcery movies, but also one the the best "We have no money, so screw it, let's just see how silly we can make it" movies. Truly a classic no-budget flick.
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
JACKSON JUDGE WARNS ON GAG ORDER
If The Underoos Don't Fit, You Must Acquit! - Michael Jackson's judge
called in participants Wednesday to warn them that the gag order still
stands. He was concerned that Jackson's new "spiritual adviser," the Rev.
Jesse Jackson, held a press conference to defend Michael and declare, "The
jury has the fate, and Michael must have the faith."
Jesse was making everybody gag.
If Jesse weren't under a gag order, he would've come up with a good
This marks the first time Jesse has ever taken up the cause of a white
TOWN BUILDS SEX GARAGES
Recommended Service Every 3,000 Miles - Dortmund, Germany, is one of 12
cities to host next year's Soccer World Cup, and Germany is bracing for an
influx of 40,000 prostitutes. But Dortmand's red light district can't hold
them all. So the city is building a series of drive-in wooden huts dubbed
"sex garages." An official said most men will get used to the sex garages
because they preserve privacy, although there will always be some who'd
rather go behind a bush or under a bridge.
At least people will have something to watch that's more interesting
Or the ones who finish really fast might go to Jiffy Lube.
Like most other garages, if you want a lube, it costs extra.
When S&M fans pull into the sex garage, they put 'em up on the rack.
It'll be a chain, like Hooters, only it'll be called Hookers.
JIMMY BUFFETT LOSES HIS CELL PHONE
Use The Coconut Telegraph - The Palm Beach, Florida, Post reports that
Jimmy Buffett left his cell phone in a Delray Beach hotspot and bus boy
Jason Martin found it. Martin said he and his friends were smoking weed
and "going 'Wow!" as they scrolled down the memory and saw everyone from
Clint Black to Al Gore to George Clooney. Martin said he was trying to
identify the owner when a Buffett aide rang the phone and called him a
thief and a liar, so he refused to return it. The restaurant fired him,
and he finally returned the phone after the Secret Service visited to
investigate a report that his friends had crank-called Bill Clinton.
But Bill didn't mind: his friends are always smoking weed and calling
They asked Bill if he had Prince Albert in the can...And it so happened
that Prince Albert WAS in his bathroom at the time.
If those stars don't want some stoned beach bum calling them, why did
they give their numbers to Jimmy Buffett?
Now Jason is just wasting away in Margaritaville.
RIVERS SLAMS REDFORD'S ALLEGED FACELIFT
She Nearly Raised An Eyebrow! - Plastic surgery proponent Joan Rivers
blasted Robert Redford for allegedly getting a very bad facelift. She told
The Scoop website that Redford "had such a bad job. God, whoever did him
should be ashamed - or maybe he left it too long so it's much more
obvious." Redford's spokesperson replied, "I'm not going to dignify that
with a comment."
Redford couldn't speak for himself: too much Botox around the lips.
Redford's face is so wrinkled, they should've given him a facelift with
Joan says a good facelift like hers requires a maintenance tightening
every two weeks.
WOMAN SUES STEPHEN KING
All Women Inspired "Misery" - "Celebrity Justice" reports that Anne Hiltner, a freelance writer from New Jersey, is suing Stephen King,
claiming that psycho nurse Annie Wilkes in "Misery" is based on her and is
an invasion of her privacy. She's sued King before, once claiming that
"Misery" was stolen from her brother's manuscript (she lost the suit) and
once claiming that "Misery" was stolen from her writings (the case was
The judge ruled that she should've sued her brother.
If she loses this suit, she'll resort to threatening to break his
She doesn't know why Stephen King would do this to her when she's his
She just wants the world to know that the fat, homicidal psychopath is
BRAD SAYS HIS MARRIAGE WAS A "TOTAL SUCCESS"
Itchy Banana - The New York Post notes that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston
got married in a lavish ceremony with 200 guests hearing Jen vow to make
his "favorite banana milk shake." Now Pitt has told W magazine that "if a
marriage doesn't fit a certain idea, it's looked upon as a failure, but I
see mine as a total success...That's five years more than I made it with
anyone else." One stunned marital expert said the median marriage length
in the US is eight years, and they didn't even make that, so how can Brad
call it a "total success?"
He had sex with Jennifer Aniston until he got tired of it... Total
In Hollywood, the median marriage length is eight weeks.
He just didn't like the way she shook his banana.
|A quick site note
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