Gang, here's an update on Tuna's condition. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is

My Condition...

It was the extreme shortness of breath that got my attention. I was admitted to the hospital in atrial fibrillation with a heart rate of 180. They rather quickly drained 1.4 liters of bloody fluid from my right lung. They have subjected me to dozens of tests, and ruled out many possible causes of this, but they still don't know what went wrong. I am still in atrial fibrillation, but with a heart rate under control using 3 drugs. I am home waiting for some of my medication to reach the proper level in my system, then I may have another hospital stay to try and convert my heart to normal rhythm.

I am able to spend some time at the computer, and am again reading my Email.


Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


  • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity Site is updated


Melissa (aka Secret Sins) (1995)

This really isn't a movie at all. It is an aborted 1995 movie that was resuscitated nearly a decade later, presumably to use film already shot to recuperate some losses on expenses already incurred. According to some stories, the director started shooting this in 1995 and never finished.

I'm going to guess that the version available on DVD consists of about 40 minutes of plot development, but the running time was padded out to an 81 minute "movie" in the following way:

1) many scenes are shown again and again, sometimes in flashback sequences, sometimes just in the hope that you won't remember having seen it before.

2) the running time is further padded out by adding a musical score to raw footage and outtakes. There must be five minutes of Nicole Eggert dancing around her new apartment as she unpacks her things. It is my guess that this would have provided five or ten seconds of footage if the film had been completed, but since the running time needed padding, the director simply used everything he shot.

3) I'm just guessing here, but my speculation is that the plot was re-written to whatever extent was necessary to accommodate the details of the scenes they had filmed.

4) The missing parts of the plot were filled out at the end with the dreaded "word slides."

I mentioned that two of the cast members are recognizable: Summer Quinn from Baywatch (Nicole Eggert) and Paulie Walnuts from The Sopranos (whatever the hell his real name is). Unsurprisingly, Paulie Walnuts runs a strip club. Eggert is the star of the film, a hopeful broadway dancer supporting herself by working as a stripper in Paulie's fine establishment until she ends up getting arrested because there is a dead man in her bedroom, and she is found a block away grasping the murder weapon. The murder story is told in flashback from a framing story in which Eggert tells her psychiatrist and her lawyer the details of how her life led inevitably to the corpse in her bed.


Monsieur N (2003)

Monsieur N is to Napoleon as Immortal Beloved is to Beethoven. Each film is an imaginative historical speculation which attempts to provide an explanation for the great mysteries surrounding a great man's death and its aftermath. Each film is made more cinematic by placing the costume drama in the context of a mystery film. In the case of  Napoleon, the speculation involves whether he was actually buried in St. Helena or escaped to start another life, perhaps in Louisiana. Just as with Immortal Beloved, the case is based around a comprehensive and plausible interpretation of the known facts, so that the story told in the film might be, but not necessarily must be, true.

The plot of Monsieur N is quite complicated. Neither the British nor Napoleon are happy with the situation surrounding his exile. For the British the arrangement is an economic hardship. Maintaining the guard involves eleven warships and 3,000 troopers at a cost of several million pounds per year. For Napoleon, the arrangement is loneliness and imprisonment. Both sides scheme to improve the situation. The British conspire to poison Napoleon. Napoleon conspires to escape. That may sound like a simple enough plot, but the intrigues sway to and fro like the most complicated Agatha Christie mystery. At one point, Napoleon seems to have an escape within his grasp, and chooses instead to betray his rescuers - because he has decided on an even more devious and subtle plan. He realizes that if he were to be rescued by Bonapartist zealots, he would have to go back to being a great man, and he is not sure that he wants to end his life with more warfare and empire building.

This film is not quite as effective as Immortal Beloved because the Beethoven biography was able to fall back on Beethoven's music to provide additional punch and drama and elegance to the film. Napoleon has nothing on St Helena to provide ambiance except words, so the film tends to be talk, and counter-talk, and counter-counter-talk.

The English language critics were divided by the Ocean. American critics generally admired it, and it is rated a sound 65 at Metacritic, but there was not one good review in the U.K. BBC's 2/5 was the BEST score among the Brit-crits. The film does basically portray the British as the scheming villains of the piece, and I suppose that didn't play well in Britain. I enjoyed all the verbal parrying, and the robust character development, but I'm aware that this kind of talky period intrigue is not for everyone, especially since the talk is in both French and English.

  • Elsa Zylberstein (1, 2)


Other Crap:

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap




Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Crimson Ghost
NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

A nice bit o' variety from the Ghost today.... First up, from 1982 Dramedy "Best Friends", here is Goldie Hawn briefly baring a bit of breast.

Next we have couple of scenes from the John Badham film "Incognito" (1997). Irène Jacob looks amazing topless, while one-timer Maja Ottesen doesn't look too shabby either playing a nude model.

Finally, we have Victoria Dillard topless in a love scene from the 1992 movie "Deep Cover" starring Laurence Fishburne and Jeff Goldblum.

'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

Yet another all "Hankster Light" day.

Today we return to "Eurotrip" and actually pick up where we left off yesterday with a topless Molly Schade feeling herself up in the pool. I found these at the end of the screen credits, so if you watch the movie don't shut it down early.

Next we have the star of the movie Michelle Trachtenberg (from "Buffy"). She off course does not get naked, but looks sweet in a bikini and a low cut top.

Then its Edita Deveroux & Petra Tomankova topless on the beach.

Next it's Jessica Boehrs toless while getting it on in a confessional at the Vatican.

Finally we have Kristyna Simova & Tereza Brettschweiderova topless in an Orange Juice commercial, from the deleted scenes. Whatever happened to shortening your name for movies?.

'Caps and comments by Dann:

"Pretty Cool"
The title of this 2001 comedy is also a fair description. It's not a great movie, and it has a tendency to stray into dumbness, but all in all it's pretty cool, especially on the nudity front.

Scientists develop a technique that allows them to give a person the ability to read minds and control thoughts. Due to a computer oopsie, these powers are accidentally transferred to a high school geek.

Without a clue, our geek manages to turn this golden opportunity into something of a mess, but in the process, he gets plenty of lovely young women naked, so it's not a total loss.

Sure, it's been done before, and it's kind of lame, but it's still a cute comedy that provides an excuse to show lots of skin which, with skinmeister Alain Siritzky as the producer, is not unexpected.

Pam Anderson
(1, 2, 3, 4)

Paparazzi pics of everyone's favorite busty blonde stuffed into an outfit that's way too tight and showing some nipplage as the mega-hooters try to escape.

Samantha Mathis

Cara Seymour
(1, 2)

Krista Sutton
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Guinevere Turner
(1, 2, 3)

The Skin-man takes a look at the "Uncut Killer Collector's Edition" of "American Psycho" (2000).

Here's the breakdown:
Samantha Mathis shows the briefest bit of nipple in a deleted scene.

Cara Seymour also shows just a hint of nipple while sipping champagne in the tub.

Krista Sutton shows her breasts during a 3-way scene.

Guinevere Turner (who also worked on the screenplay for the movie) shows a little toplessness.

Pat Reeder
Pat's comments in yellow...

The Unforgettable Firing - U2 is suing their former stylist Lola Cashman, claiming she stole "iconic" items, such as Bono's hat and hoop earrings, to sell at auction. Wednesday, Cashman testified that Bono gave her that stuff when they were alone and she was dressing him, which is why there were no other witnesses, but she "didn't think it was any big deal." She also stood by a claim in her unauthorized book about U2 that she hesitated to work for them because she thought rock stars were spoiled. She said, "I did believe that, and I believe that now."

  • Rock stars, spoiled?! What's next, movie stars who are stupid?!
  • Seriously, they actually hire people to DRESS them!

    So Buy A Cat AND A Dog - The "2005 Man Study," a poll of men in 13 nations by Leo Burnett Advertising, found that many men are confused about their role in society, and whether women expect them to be macho or sensitive. Indian men are the least confused (36 percent), half of American men are confused, and French men are the most confused (64 percent).

  • American men are confused because they're expected to be both macho AND sensitive.
  • In what country do men not give a rat's ass? Because I'm moving there!

    And To Be The World's Biggest Liar - Most surprising, men said their ultimate fantasies were, in descending order: To end world hunger, to be a famous sports star, and to marry a supermodel.

  • But if there were no more starving people, there would BE no supermodels.
  • The typical man's #1 fantasy wish is to be able to end world hunger with his new, foot-long, magical penis.
  • What liars! Give the average guy a choice of ending world hunger or nailing Gisele Bundchen, and it's "Sorry, Ethiopia!"

  • A quick site note
    Hey gang, we invite you to check out our new affiliate program at

    If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!