Sunday

Cattle Call

ala National Lampoon's Cattle Call

2006

Three guys pretend to make a movie so they meet girls. It's like video dating, except fraudulent to the point of illegality.

It's a Lampoon project. Rarely have National Lampoon products required any review.

In the 1970s and 80s they represented edgy, hip, anti-establishment humor, and you could be pretty sure that anything attached to the National Lampoon brand was funny and that the quality was solid. The magazine was funny and groundbreaking and smart. The live shows and record albums were outrageously anti-establishment. The movies were hits (Animal House, Vacation), and starred the hottest comic stars of the time like Belushi. Back then, if the title included the words National Lampoon, you could be pretty sure that the product was on the cutting edge of comedy, and that knew that you were not getting ripped off when you plunked down your greenbacks.

No review necessary.

Boy, was that a long time ago! Now the brand means just about the exact opposite. You can be sure that it will be straight-to-video stuff that is as low in quality as it is in brow. Sometimes the Lampoonistas produce from scratch. Sometimes they just lend their name to material which has already been created.

But still no review necessary.

Here's a quick review of their four highest-rated products at IMDB and the four lowest-rated. Note the dates.

Animal House (1978) 7.6
Vacation (1983) 7.3
Christmas Vacation (1989) 7.2
Disco Beaver from Outer Space (1978) (TV) 7.0
Lady Killers (2003) 2.4
Men in White (1998) (TV) 2.3
Last Resort (1994/II) (V) 2.1
Pledge This! (2006) 1.6

I'm not sure what happened to them when the New Year's ball fell to usher in 1990, but it wasn't good. Since that time, Van Wilder has been their only worthwhile product, and even that was a notch below their best early efforts.

Cattle Call probably isn't going to end up with a score as low as the four bottom ones in the chart above, but it is not significantly above that level. This film is embarrassing, more sad than funny, and the saddest and most embarrassing part about the experience is that the legendary Jonathan Winters agreed to appear in it. At 80 years old he still showed the same nutty energy and was good, as always, although he seemed to be in a different movie. Of course that just about sums up his career, doesn't it?

Funny thing about Jon. Although I am quite old, nearly 60, I can't remember a time when Winters was hot. Even when I first became aware of him, he was talked about as a guy who used to be bigger. "Gee, remember when he used to be on Jack Parr and Omnibus?", older people would ask me with a smile of recollection for things before my time. Yes, Jon was Jack Paar's favorite guest, or so I have read, but Paar's stint on Tonight happened before I really became aware of the show, and in my day, Winters could never really break through. Johnny Carson and others would speak of him in the reverential tones reserved for saints, as one might speak today of Nelson Mandela. Everyone in the biz loved and respected Winters, but when he'd get his own TV show, as he would from time to time, it seemed to be cancelled after about ten minutes, and I never even caught a single minute of any of them. I know that Robin Williams idolized Jon and basically stole his act, but Robin used that act to became a major star in movies, TV, and stand-up, while Winters always remained a bit player that people in the biz seemed to love far more than audiences did.

So it goes.

I wish all those people who love him so much would offer him better jobs than Cattle Call, because I hate thinking that he needs a paycheck so desperately that he would work in something like this. Seeing him in this is like seeing Nelson Mandela wearing a paper hat and working behind the counter at Arby's.


NUDITY (Film clips):

Lisa Arturo is the topless woman in bed on her back. The topless women in the next scene are unidentified background strippers.

Jenny Mollen

Various women auditioning for the faux movie.

 

 

 

The Lodge

2008

"A young couple's weekend getaway at a secluded mountain ranch becomes an unfathomable nightmare when they discover the truth about the caretaker."

IMDb says that the quote above is both the tagline and the plot summary for this film. And they are right!

Two victims are killed before the opening credits and have nothing to do with the main plot other than to establish that somebody has committed maniacal murders in the lodge. The rest of the plot is fully summarized in the all-purpose tag line. To tell you the truth, I didn't even realize that the first two victims were different people until near the end of the film. I thought it was one of those scripts where the story begins near the end, then flashes back to how the characters got there, then eventually resumes from the point shown at the onset. That still seemed to be the case about an hour into the film, when the female lead was tied to the bed in precisely the same manner as the topless woman shown in the opening scenes. Fortunately for her character, she survived and kept her clothing on, so I was then able to determine that she was not the same woman as shown in the pre-credits teaser.

The Lodge is a micro-budget slasher/horror film which is basically filmed in a single location, the titular lodge, with a very tiny cast. Even including the two silent and anonymous victims in the gratuitous teaser scene, there are only six people who appear on camera. Once the opening teaser has concluded, the film literally consists of four people in a rural lodge, so it seems like a stage play. Although the cinematography and performances are competent, this B-level indie film has, so far as I can see, not one idea which is original or worthwhile, and only a few moments of real suspense on its way to an ending which somehow manages to be simultaneously ridiculous and fully expected.

 

NUDITY:

The topless victim is Liz Jones, and this clip represents 100% of her screen time. This is the film's only nudity, which means that there is shock-value nudity within 40 seconds of the opening bell, then no more at all!

 

 

  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.

OTHER CRAP:

Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Breastford Wives

2007

Take out a clean sheet of paper -- we are going to have a pop quiz. Which 2007 film starring Glori-Anne Gilbert starts off with a group sex scene before the credits, followed by Glori-Ann and her husband stopping in a black car by the side of the road, having sex, then continuing to a house? Stumped? Here is an additional hint. Cast members include Taylor Wayne, Friday and Barbie Bennett. Further, Glori-Anne and her hubbie, between them, have sex with everyone in the cast.

If you guessed The Breastford Wives, you would be right.

On the other hand, if you guessed The House on Hooter Hill (yesterday's film), you would also be correct.

Glori-Anne and her husband are moving to Breastford. They are impressed by how friendly everyone is. In fact, everyone they meet jumps into bed with one of them. Part of the lust comes from a local wine, the rest from the doctor/mayor/sanitation engineer/notary public who has turned all of the women into sexpots, and controls them with a remote switch.

There are three-B performances from Friday, Taylor Wayne, Sara Maglaughlin, Monique Parent, Barbie Bennett , Monica Sweetheart and Glori-Anne Gilbert.

This is generously scored 4.3 at IMDb, where it is listed as a Sci-Fi. If you are looking for Sci-Fi, this ain't it. As a softcore, however, it does have a high breast count, full frontal and decent photography, which makes it barely watchable for genre buffs.

 

 

Glori-Anne Gilbert

 

Monique Parent

 

Barbie Bennett

 

Monica Sweetheart

 

Friday

 

Group

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Voodoo Passion

1977

Today's project is a Jesus Franco flick, and with his name attached, you know you will have abundant nudity.

 

Ada Tauler spreads herself out for some very clear full frontal nudity and then she gets it on with a lucky guy.

 

 

Karine Gambier also shows it all as she plays with herself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes and collages

Return of the Jedi

1983

Carrie Fisher

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Film Clips

More Neve Campbell! This is the new scene we have been taking about, from I Really Hate My Job

Pamela Prati, Anny Papa, and Stefania DAmario in Monsignor (1982): "An ambitious priest seduces a nun and leads the Vatican into shady business during and after World War II." This was a rather infamous flop for Chris Reeve, made between Superman II and Superman III. Reeve has 34 rated credits at IMDb, and the three with the lowest ratings are Superman III, Superman IV and Monsignor.

Several women got naked in Murder-Set-Pieces (originally 2004, director's cut 2008), the self-proclaimed "most visceral horror film ever made," which finally made it to DVD this month. Arrow in the Head said: ""In Vegas; a psychotic, Hitler loving, German photographer (Garrett) finds delight in bench pressing, playing with a doll and doggie-banging/torturing/murdering mucho big breasted female trinkets. Thatís it, thatís all. Sleep tight! Donít let the bed bugs bite!"

There are also several naked chicks in 1985's Love Circles, and bit of high-toned French-language erotica. "A Parisian beauty is drawn into an affair with a man who gives her the same pack of cigarettes she had left days before with another after a night of wild passion. This film traces the chance meetings that happen everywhere, every day, from the view of a pack of cigarettes handed from person to person..."

 

Pics

Nicole Gian in The Civilization of Maxwell Bright, (2005)

Lynn Redgrave in Shine. I like Lynn and Shine is a truly marvelous film, IMDb's highest-rated in her distinguished career, but it's a 1996 film and Lynn was born in 1943. Where was her nudity in the 1960s, when we wanted it?