Malefic (2003) is half of a two disk self-proclaimed B Movie Theater Drive-In Double Feature. Where do I begin? Hmmm, how about at the beginning. A young couple is parked, hears noises, and decides to go into a cabin. She gets very naked, then he goes outside to check on some noise and is eaten, she naturally goes outside to feed herself to whatever ate him.. Ooops, this wasn't a good way to start, as this has nothing to do with the story.
I'll try again. Our narrator, a female dominatrix and three of her friends are driving down a country road. Seems they are on their way to a country cabin to perpetrate the rest of their crime. Part one was exhuming the body of a recently deceased baby. Part two will be holding the casket for ransom. When they make the call to the bereaved father, who actually killed the baby but had friends in the coroners office, Dawn Duburger is in his bed. She takes off her top to get dressed and leave after hearing the phone call, so he strangles her quick before his wife gets home.
Damn, that really doesn't have much to do with the film either. Ok, these four people are hanging out in a cabin working on this really bizarre blackmail thing, and use an Ouija board to summon up a paper mache catfish head that devours them all. Yup, that's what the plot is. You may wonder why I put the owl in the upper left of the images? Because it looked so much cooler than the paper mache catfish head, and had just as much to do with the plot as two of the three naked actresses.
Speaking of naked actresses, we have Sequoia Rose Fuller as the superfluous gratuitous catfish food in the opening scene. She shows everything, including a major league nipple ring, and a labia stud. Dawn Duburger, as the mistress of the superfluous baby killer, shows breasts and buns. Cynder Moon, as one of the four, shows breasts early in the film, then everything in a bath, death and reincarnation scene.
The entire thing is grainy black and white, lit with flashlights and hand held 100 Watt lightbulbs in aluminum utility reflectors. Voice over portions of the sound are ok, but I found the bad human imitations of bird calls a little distracting. In case you hadn't already figured it out, this is a clear F. I will say, that if the film maker can build up a large body of work this bad, he might achieve an Ed Wood type of fame.
Sequoia Rose Fuller
The Innocent (1993) stars Campbell Scott as a young engineer sent to post WW ll Berlin to work on a secret project, Isabella Rossellini as a German girl he falls in love with, and Anthony Hopkins as the head of security for the American top secret project that Scott is assigned to. I really wanted to like this film, and Rossellini portrayed a girl any of us would have fallen in love with, but the film just didn't work. Part of the problem was that Scott's character was plain as milk toast and as exciting as watching paint dry. Hopkins could have saved the day with a more entertaining portrayal. The elements of a good yarn were assembled. Would the Russians figure out what the Americans were up to? Would Scott and Rossellini live happily ever after? How would they dispose of the corpse of Rossellini's recently deceased husband? Then there is the return to present day Berlin, where the lovers reunite against the backdrop of the Berlin Wall coming down. Unfortunately, the whole is less than the sum of its parts.
Rossellini shows a breast during a sex scene. IMDB readers have this at 5.2 of 10. Ebert liked it at 3 stars, Berardinelli awarded two, and I will give it a C-. Could have been very good, but somehow wasn't.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Game of Pleasure (1998):
Four degrees of Suckeration.
You know, the verb "to suck" has taken over the world. When I
used to say, a couple of decades ago, "I suck at Asteroids", women
actually got offended. Now everyone says it on family shows and
"Meet the Press". The only thing they haven't adopted from our old
1960's New York/Jersey slang is the traditional "this" response.
Example. The priest says "Dominus vobiscum", and you say "Dominus
THIS, Padre", and grab your crotch. This works on all occasions and
as a response to any comment. (Or, as an alternative, you can grab
your crotch and say "I got your Dominus right here, Padre", but my
friends found this variant too verbose.). To relate this to the
"suck" verb, one guy would say "your cigar sucks", and the other guy
would grab his crotch and say "suck THIS", and there you have plenty
of merriment and an instant Algonquin Round Table of witty repartee
for all occasions.
Now my point here is that the co-opting of "suck" by the
mainstream culture leads to a lack of gradations. Is it fair to say
that Cher's singing sucks, when this is the same way you would
describe Yoko Ono? Of course not. So I therefore propose four
degrees of suckeration. To stay on the musician theme for a minute,
here's how it would work.
First degree of suckeration. People who are OK, but not really as
good as you might expect from the success they've achieved. An
example would be Jewel. If you got all your cousins together, Jewel
would sing about as well as the best one. She has a pleasant voice,
can carry a tune, knows some guitar chords, looks good. She's OK,
you just can't quite figure out why she's a star and 100 million
other equally talented women are not.
Second degree of suckeration, people who really aren't good
enough to be doing this professionally at all. If you assembled your
cousins together and had a karaoke contest, they would finish in the
middle of the pack. Cher and Jerry Vale would be in this category.
Third degree of suckeration, people who don't have a clue how to
do what they are supposed to be professionals at. Your most
incompetent cousin could do it as well. Sid Vicious belongs in this
Fourth degree of suckeration, people who are so bad that they not
only can't do what they are supposed to be good at, but they cause
nausea and/or laughter when they try to do it. If these people were
your cousins, you wouldn't even admit it. And if you had a family
karaoke contest, you'd have a kindly aunt distract them to another
room to look at baby pictures. Examples would include Carol Channing,
Yoko Ono, and Shatner.
Shatner is an excellent illustration of this principle, because
you might casually say "Bill Shatner sucks as an actor" and/or "Bill
Shatner sucks as a singer", but the word "suck" doesn't really mean
the same thing in both sentences, does it? As an actor he's only a
first degree suck. As a singer, he's not only guilty of fourth
degree suckeration, but he could actually be in the fifth degree,
since he pretty much sucks deeper and harder than anybody has ever
sucked in the history of music. In fact, if Shatner had lived before
the age of recording, and your great grandpa told you how bad he was, you
would think the old boy was exaggerating. Even if you believed your
gramps, you would not be capable of imaging how bad it was, because
there is nothing else as bad to compare it to. If the recordings of Shatner did not exist, we could not conceive of anything that bad.
In a sense, ol' Kirk, as much as Newton and Freud, stretched the
very boundaries of human conceptualization.
We owe him so much.
All of that brings us around to the topic of Game of Pleasure, which
not merely sucks, but sucks in the fourth degree and beyond. It is
up there in Shatner territory, in that I can't really describe how
bad it sucks, because it is not possible to find something to
compare it to.
It is sort of a horror/thriller thing, I guess. It's one of those
deals where a guy has a dream, and we think that is real until he
wakes up. Then we think that is real, until he wakes up again, and
we realize that his previous waking was only part of the dream. And
we think that is real until he wakes up again, and we realize that
all previous wakings were only part of the dream. This happens a few
times until the story finally jumps back to the same scene we saw 40
minutes earlier, where Our Hero sits mesmerized by a computer, and
we realize that none of it was a dream at all, but rather a
particularly hypnotic virtual reality game.
And ... (here is
the big kicker) ...
.... he may still be playing it.
may still be dreaming about playing it.
Or the dream about playing
the game might actually be part of the game.
Or it might not.
Hard to say.
The director is somebody called Dale E.
Franz, who doesn't seem to have done anything else in show business
before or after this video. I assume that Dale, wherever he is now,
presumably plus-selling French Fries, does not admit that he was
involved in this. One can only hope that if he decides to make
another amateurish camcorder film, he will read all the instructions
on the camera box, and not just the one about removing the lens cap.
If he can clear that hurdle, perhaps he can hire some actors to make
his next movie, instead of making it with his fellow workers at the
I'm pretty sure that Dale is still alive, because
exactly one IMDb voter scored this film higher than five, and that
voter scored it a 10 out of 10. It's a fairly safe conclusion that
the voter in question was none other than Dale E. Frantz.
The film does have some plusses, of a kind:
1. I finally got so
see Mandy Leigh in something. Our old pal Celebrity Sleuth has
featured Mandy several times in his magazine, and I've always wanted
to see some evidence that Mandy is, in fact, a celebrity, somebody
famous for something other than posing in that magazine. Of course,
I don't mind looking at the pictures of her. She is very pretty, has
a great tush, a beautiful head of hair, and lovely a-cup breasts.
Given her good looks, one might wonder why she doesn't have any
other career. Unless one has seen this film. She's in this movie,
and her performance here shows why she hasn't been in anything
since. I don't know if she's the worst actress I've ever seen,
because I've seen a bunch of them, but no worse performance comes
immediately to mind.
2. If you're a fan of Queen-B Tammy Parks,
here's another chance to see her naked.
3. The film is only about
60 minutes long. I would normally complain that a film that short is
a rip-off, but some things are better when shorter, like time spent
in Purgatory, and time spent watching this film.
Kristi Frank is one of the contestants on the
red-hot new reality show, The Apprentice. Earlier in her career, she
was in an episode of Red Shoe Diaries. I personally did some caps
from this episode many years ago. I looked around for that DVD, but
I don't have it, so you'll have to make do with my old caps, (which
are not bad, but are clumsy), and some from an old-time contributor
from the earliest days of the site - The Anonymous Guy. If you
remember The Anonymous Guy, you've really been hangin' around here
for a while. (1,
3) Between the three collages, you have all
This has been passed around the web as a cap of
Chloe Sevigny in The Brown Bunny. Of course, it is obviously not
Chloe. To the best of our knowledge, it is Elisabetta Cavallotti in
a movie called
Guardami. a 1999 Italian movie which is loosely based on the
life of porn star Moana Pozzi.
Here's another picture of pop star Billie Piper, who
was caught by a paparazzo while she was sunbathing topless.
Callie Thorne in The Wire, as captured by Señor
You might want to look at this one first (hint-hint):
Fourth Annual Weblog Awards Nominate your favorite
weblogs for the Bloggie awards to be presented at SXSW
Interactive. You could nominate, for example, Other Crap (OtherCrap.com), in
five or ten categories, and/or you could nominate sites that actually
deserve to win.
We now return to our broadcast:
Deep Thoughts by kids. "From an actual newspaper contest
where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate 'Deep
Thoughts by Jack Handey.'". Frankly. I'm not buyin' it, but
they are cute. "It would be terrible if the Red Cross
Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good
because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there."
(They claim that was created by a five year old. Yeah, right.)
- A British dog owner spends
about 981 pounds a year to maintain his pet. The living wage
in Russia is 480 pounds per year.
Pravda says (and I quote them exactly) "Is not it funny?"
Yes, komrade, it is being very hilarity.
Through the use of video, we have been
experimenting with ways to portray the different aspects of
feminine sexuality. "Before viewing, please be
advised that these videos contain fine art nude photography."
Or, to word it another way, view naked chicks without guilt.
- Worried that you can't
understand opera? Embarrassed that you have to read the
sub-titles? Don't worry, nobody else understands it either.
- The French power brokers may
have bad qualities, but stupidity is not one of them.
Here is a complex story about the imperviousness of the French
elite to investigation and exposure.
As a Consumer Thinketh... should neuromarketing be banned?
Advertisers are testing magnetic resonance imaging, or MRI, to
see how people's brains react to certain products and pitches.
Interestingly, they have found that sex sells beer. Who would
URL says it all: Yarmulkebra.com
- This is pretty cool.
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire has an official online home game.
- For sale,
one ranch with built-in amusement park. $50 million or
- Insight into one of our
Better Off Dead. An interview with Dan "Ricky" Schneider.
Diana Driver's Blood Sample Questioned. British police
have doubts about the authenticity of the blood sample that
led French investigators to conclude drunk driving caused the
car crash that killed Princess Diana. Oh, yeah, the driver was
drunk enough, but the sample seems to indicate he might have
been a drunken 14 year old chimpanzee. The French response:
"We are very serious people and no errors are allowed". (I
didn't make that quote up). Serious, and perfect. Quite a
- Here are the outtakes from
Mouseketeer's In-Style shoot.
- Trivia. Which has been
chosen as the
Most Stressful U.S. City? I think you'll be surprised.
Sorry, Detroit, you have the most crime and obesity, but you
only finished 9th overall.
Top 25 Westerns of all time. The list fails my common
sense litmus test. If someone picks a list of the greatest
writers and doesn't list Shakespeare, I don't read on. Same
with a list of the best Westerns that omits The Outlaw Josey
Wales, which is many levels better than some of the films on
this list. The rest of the list, however, makes a lot of
The closing credits for Lord of the Rings are long enough to
be a fourth film.
Gallery of the art of the mentally disturbed.
The OSSwin project: Open Source software for Windows!
The Bush Administration began laying plans for an invasion of
Iraq including the use of American troops within days of
President Bush's inauguration in January of 2001, not
eight months later after the 9/11 attacks as has been
previously reported. That is what former Treasury Secretary
Paul O'Neill says in his first interview about his time as a
White House insider.
Actress Christina Applegate (Kelly Bundy) Among Potential
Blake Jurors. Actor Harry Shearer (The Simpsons, This is
Spinal Tap) was cut from the list because of his contractual
Jacko's modest new home. He seems to be living very well
for a guy who's supposed to be broke.
Humanities professors say "you know" and "uh" 4.85 times per
minute, social scientists 3.84 and natural science professors
only 1.39 times.
Free videos of comedy routines - George Carlin
Spongebob Barbie ?????
Ferret Fans Riled Up Over Stiller, Aniston Flick: "Ben
Stiller and Jennifer Aniston have an easy chemistry in the
romantic comedy 'Along Came Polly' -- but no love was lost
between Stiller and his ferret co-star. Despite the ferret's
reputation for difficult on-set behavior, his showbiz career
is not over. He was signed to a personal services contract by
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
||Bikini tops, tight shirts and some partial night-time nudity on an episode of "Celebrity Mole".
||The model/actress and host of the NBC show "Dog Eat Dog" showing off some cleavage during a guest appearance on the the UPN show "Rock Me Baby".
||The beautiful B-movie and TV regular showing off a bunch of cleavage from an early 90's episode of "Married... with Children".
|The original, ultra-busty queen of 70's blacksploitation showing off her amazing chest in scenes from "Friday Foster" (1975). 'Caps by Crimson Ghost.
||The "Titanic" star shows everything in scenes from the UK movie "Iris" (2001).
|The Italian actress bares all and gets it on for real in scenes from the Tinto Brass movie "Miranda" (1985). Of course, since it's a Tinto movie, that means tons of views from the rear and gyno-cams.
|The busty actress and former wife of Billy Bob Thornton showing off her big'uns in a love scene from the movie "Caught Up" (1998). 'Caps by the Skin-man.