Born to Raise Hell


Steven Seagal, the Weighty Warrior himself, is back in Eastern Europe. I suppose he's made so many similar movies that he's run out of good titles because this particular name seems to have nothing to do with the action. "Born to Raise Hell" sounds like it ought to take place in South Carolina and should star Jerry Reed and Burt Reynolds, with a cameo by Willie Nelson. There ain't no hell-raisin' here, just shootouts in downtown Bucharest.

Seagal has really stretched his acting skills this time. Usually he plays an ex-agent-turned-mercenary who was dismissed from government service because he just has too much integrity, dammit. But this time it's a whole new ballgame. This time he's still an agent, still on the government payroll, presumably because he's been assigned to a special task force in Romania, where there is absolutely nothing he can do to get fired. He could walk into the office of the mayor of Bucharest and plug the sumbitch, and all the Romanians would simply thank him and start dividing up the dead guy's possessions. Whatta country!

The plot, if you want to call it that, basically involves a three-way war between casually violent Romanian drug traffickers, purposefully violent Russian mobsters, and the Special Honorable International Task Force Opposing Russkies By Raiding All Intercepts Nightly, Stealthily (known to their friends and enemies as SHITFORBRAINS). So some of these groups shoot at others, then others get revenge, and still others get revenge for the revenge, etc.

Usual stuff.

Seagal appears to be ideal for an assignment in Dracula's home country, since the Pudgy Paladin seems to have a black widow's peak painted on his forehead to make him look like a vampire, in the manner of SCTV's Count Floyd. Like Dracula, the Bulky Battler is up all night every night, draining the blood from people. Unlike Dracula, however, he obviously gets a remarkable amount of sun, because his skin is so orange he might have reason to fear a paternity suit from Snooki's mom.

The Stout Sensei doesn't do a lot of hand-to-hand combat any more, and when he does, the action is filled with jumpy edits to make everything seem a lot faster and more impressive than it actually is. Rapid-fire cutting can make anyone look like a martial artist, in the same way that strobe lights can make anyone look like a dancer. (Even me. Long story for another day.) Of course, no amount of screen magic can make Seagal look OK without a shirt, so he manages to do his sex scene fully dressed. Not that I'm complaining, mind you, because the chick is undressed.

Seagal wrote this film and, to be honest, he did a serviceable job. Of course, the dialogue reads like a ritual ceremony in honor of Seagal's ego, but the film does have a few things going for it: (1) the Russian bad guy is a complex character; (2) the Bucharest locations are exotic and generally pretty cool; (3) the narrative is smooth and comprehensible after a few opaque moments at the beginning. I wondered how Seagal's fans reacted to the film, so I wandered into a few internet bulletin boards dedicated to Seagal. The only real complaints I saw involved the fact that Seagal and the top Gypsy psycho didn't have a good combat scene. Apparently Darren Shalavi is an accomplished battler, so fight fans were hoping for an epic battle between Shalavi and Seagal. The two characters did have a fight, but Shalavi's character was never given a chance to compete. Seagal's character landed all the punches, and threw Shalavi around like a rag doll until Shalavi surrendered like a girlie man, then pulled out a gun as soon as Seagal dropped his guard. It reminded me of Harvey Korman in Blazing Saddles. ("Oh, sorry, I just remembered ... I AM armed.") What happened then? Well, let's just say it's not a smart move to pull a gun on Big Steve when he's playing a character he scripted for himself. His hands are so lightning fast that he can disarm you from the next room, and if you do accidentally get off a shot you'll end up accidentally killing a little kid or a puppy, and then the Jumbo Jock will be really mad.

Given that you know in advance that the great mano-a-mano battle will never happen, and given that you should have a certain realistic set of limited expectations for a latter day Seagal movie, this film probably will meet your expectations, but not exceed them by much.

Frankly, I still think SS would be much better as a bad guy. I liked his character in Machete much more than I like any of his "honorable" characters with their sycophantic phony respect for foreign cultures. Hey, Big Steve, you want to get back in theatrical releases? You gotta turn, man. Learn from the WWF. You suck as a babyface. You were born to be a heel.


There are three scenes with female nudity. The nudity is not bad at all, but I was not able to match the women with the credits. This clip has all three scenes:

  • A naked woman is part of a drug gang raided by Seagal's guys. T&A
  • Seagal's girlfriend shows her breasts in the aforementioned sex scene with a fully clothed Seagal.
  • Some random background strippers.



  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.



"True Blood"

continuing with s1e7

This is the episode that really elevated the series to epic nudity status. There was nice, clear nudity from Anna Paquin and the flawless body of Lizzy Caplan. These two scenes finished #1 and #4 of the year on our annual poll in 2008. Here they are in 1920x1080 resolution.

Film clips of Anna Paquin (samples below)


Film clips of Lizzie Caplan (samples below)



Erica Campbell

in Busty


and in the timeless screen romance, Honest Bra


Kitana Baker

in Catfight Girl

in The Very Best of Kitana Baker


Vida Guerra

in Vida Guerra Exposed





Johnny's comments:

Fragment is about a war photographer who gets hit in the head by a piece of radioactive shrapnel, which gets embedded in his brain. A doctor predicts that he has not long to live, so he spends his last days roaming around Sydney with his camera, while a pretty young girl films a documentary of his final days. The man has a couple of experiences where he photographs dead animals that miraculously come back to life. Meanwhile across town, police shoot dead a particularly nasty serial killer (boringly titled the DVD Killer. Police should get someone creative to name these crooks...), where a stash of his snuff films are found. The photographer moves into a new apartment that may have been inhabited by someone who is now missing and when he accidentally discovers a bloodied DVD, it becomes more clear. It's another snuff film from the serial killer that was filmed in his apartment. Using his trusty camera, he photographs the girl on the DVD and as before, the woman comes alive. But, so does the nasty serial killer and guess who wants to keep on killing. So, is the photographer going completely crazy and imagining this or is this oh so very real. Imaginative horror thriller that is probably a decent director away from been superb, but is very watchable (and particularly nasty) nonetheless.

Scoop's note:

This is such a monumental effort and the files are so large that I split the project up. Today we have the third batch from Bree Robertson. There's still more Robertson to come!


The Messenger


Jena Malone film clip (collage below)

Lisa Joyce film clip (no collage this time)



Cherilyn Wilson in Parasomnia

Another promo capture from from Karissa Shannon's sex tape

Patsy Kensit as Mia Farrow in Betrayal

Diane Kruger in Inhale

Zoe Lister-Jones in Breaking Upward

Nicolle Rochelle in La Maison Des Rocheville

Raquel Hevia in Cenizas del Cielo

Sandra Wood in MacGruber. One more reason to hate this film.



Davina Joy in Reborn

Vera Farmiga in In Tranzit in HD

Kimberley Nixon in Cherrybomb in HD

Inka Friedrich in Sommer vorm Balkon

The latest from Amy Smart, a brunette this time, offering a downblouse in the still unreleased Life in Flight. (samples below)

Alice Eve in Sex and the City Two (sample below)

Lisa Ng in True Blue (sample below)

Tinsel Corey in The Lookout (sample below)

Nicole Kidman in Portrait of a Lady (sample below)

Christy Carlson Romano in Mirrors 2, this time in 720p (lots of samples below)


Another scene featuring the elderly Jane Asher in Tirante el Blanco (sample below)

the almost as elderly Victoria Abril, also in Tirante el Blanco (sample below)

and finally, a woman under 50 in Tirante el Blanco! Esther Nubiola (samples below)