I Want You (1998)

There is quite a famous French movie called La Belle Noiseuse which is four hours long and basically consists of Emmanuelle Beart standing around naked.

The script would look something like this:

Emmanuelle Beart is playing an artist's model. She enters, removes her robe and hangs around naked for about half of the film while she and the artist improvise a discussion about the meaning of life and the nature of art for four hours.

Nice compact script.

How does one bring the excitement of this film to an American audience? No, you can't just show it as is. Americans will not attend four hour movies about anything, let alone the nature of art, and they hate subtitles. Moreover, the Beart nudity has no special appeal since she is virtually unknown in the USA, and there is certainly no outcry to see her naked, sexy though she may be.

Note how brilliantly this classic film was adapted to American audiences. I have come upon the actual script (rough draft) as follows:

Emmanuelle Beart Mimi Rogers is playing an artist's model agent. She enters, removes her robe and hangs around naked for about half of the film while she and the artist her masseuse improvise a discussion about the meaning of life and the nature of art massage for four two hours.

There you have it. The English-language version of La Belle Noiseuse is a made-for-cable film named Full Body Massage. And that is a perfect title, because that is exactly what the film is: Bryan Brown massaging a naked Mimi Rogers for two hours, in focus, in nice clear light, on good film stock. It is exactly what you expect it to be from that description, except for two things:

1) Both Mimi and Bryan have flashbacks in which other people get naked (details in the nudity report).

2) Regrettably, Mimi manages to get through the entire film without ever showing her pubic hair. Her breasts, however, are mammoth.

Your likelihood of boredom is thus directly proportionate to your fascination with Mimi's mammaries. If you can enjoy them bobbing and jiggling for a couple of hours, you have found Valhalla.



Mimi Rogers
Gabriella Hall
Elizabeth Barondes


  • This is an all-region DVD in PAL format. If you play DVD's on a computer , it will play anywhere, because computer monitors can handle PAL or NTSC. If you play DVDs on a stand-alone DVD player and a television, your set-up must be able to play PAL format.
  • The DVD has no features, and there is no widescreen version of the film, but the transfer is clear and crisp.
  • It is available in America. Click the picture for info.
Full Body Massage DVD Mimi Rogers (1995)


Other Crap:

Peter Griffin explains the evolution vs creationism debate

Classic short from 1930 - W.C. Fields in The Golf Specialist

Another 'Idol' Gets the Boot, leaving only the chick and the gray-haired dude

Debra Wilson topless and some other pretty cool celeb photos

President Bush Issues Calm, Diplomatic Response to Historic Letter from Iranian President Mahmoo Ahma-lama-ding-dong (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)

Mystery of the week so far ... What the hell happened to that alleged Rove indictment?

Soviet-era propaganda posters

When he's 64 ... reviews the McCartney split - as seen by headline writers.

  • It is sort of a controversial break-up. McCartney can understand why they're splitting, but she's stumped.

Nicole Kidman blah blah blah Keith Urban blah blah blah

  • Kidman's current dimensions: 5'11", 28 pounds. She makes Karen Carpenter look like Barry Bonds.
  • My suggestion for a new reality show: The Anorexic Nicoles. Kidman and Richie compete to see who can eat the least and vomit the most.

Want a notebook computer with a built-in HD-DVD or Blu-Ray drive? Get out your checkbook.

The Evolution of Lara Croft

MedlinePlus: Actual Videos of Surgical Procedures

Study Hard and You, Too, Can Deliver Pizza

Cool pictures: "BREAKING THE SOUND BARRIER!" (Much better than it ... er ... sounds)

Eva Longoria Tops Maxim's Hot 100 Again

Headline of the day: "In Kentucky, you can pick a Booger, but you can't pick a metrosexual"

A trailer to make The Ten Commandements more appealing to today's youth: 10 Things I Hate About Commandments

States starry-eyed over spaceports

  • "The Federal Aviation Administration is reviewing proposals from New Mexico, Oklahoma and Texas to be gateways for private space travel. Depending on how environmental reviews and other requirements go, approval could come as early as this year and the sites could be ferrying space tourists soon after."

Colbert speaks out against our greatest threat - the First Amendment

Stephen Colbert discusses the audition for his new black friend.

Denis Leary tells Jon that he is not Willem Dafoe, but sometimes he'll sign his name.

The Daily Show's Samantha Bee goes door-to-door to ask people if they're prepared for death, which can kill them.

The Daily Show looks at President Bush's immigration speech

This week's movies (a bazillion screens): The Da Vinci Code - 0% positive reviews.

  • "Boring," "lifeless," "bloated," say the critics.

Visit the set of Clerks II as they head to New Jersey

A four minute behind-the-scenes peek at Clerks 2 - burning down the Quick Stop.

The history of the knuckleball - now 100 years old.

"the (minor league baseball) Altoona Curve have announced that they will be holding a Frivolous Lawsuit Night"

Kobe Bryant is lined up to play a children's superhero in the TV series 'Power Rangers Relic Hunters'

  • They've re-written the script a bit for him. Although all of the Rangers have power rays, the others just stand around waiting for Kobe to shoot

Lindsay Lohan pitches another public fit

Drunken Londoner Rescued After Night in a Tree

  • Insert Keith Richards joke here

Power shut off because woman owes one cent on her bill

The trailer for World Trade Center - An Oliver Stone Film

Oops. Cancel those protests. Cannes audience boos, hisses, and laughs at dramatic moments in The DaVinci code.

In his toughest stand yet against illegal immigration, President George W. Bush today announced that he would move CNN anchorman Lou Dobbs to the United States’ border with Mexico.

Clarabell the Clown has died at the age of 84

  • Though Anderson was not the only man to play Buffalo Bob Smith's mute sidekick, he was the best and longest-running. (The first to play the mute clown was Bob Keeshan, who later became known as Captain Kangaroo.)

Jennifer Lopez is reportedly pregnant with her first child.

Former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney is to separate from his wife Lady Heather Mills McCartney, the BBC reported.

  • She's hoping to get as much as $200 million of his fortune, but her lawyer told her she doesn't have a leg to stand on. And that made her hopping mad.

The US justice department has released the first video of the plane crashing into the Pentagon on 11 September 2001. (with short excerpt from the video)

A script review for Transformers!




Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Forbidden Wet Tales (2004)

Forbidden Wet Tales bears little resemblance to the usual Category 3 film from Hong Kong. Sure, there are bare women, but this one is a series of male fantasies, mostly lesbian and three-way, acting out as the so called stories are being told.

The plot, such as it is, goes like this. Emily Kwan is a cop looking for a missing girl, or the missing girl's ex lover (the film was sort of ambiguous about her exact role). At any rate, she runs into Eddie Lam, who writes and stars in erotic films. They have coffee, and he relates some of his plots. She relates a story, then they go to his place, where she finds the missing girl dead in his shower. He admits to the murder, but offers in defense that it was done for sexual gratification.

The bulk of the film is the illustrated fantasies, but even here, there is very little storytelling. They are really wall-to-wall sex and nudity. Most of these scenes are played by

The flubtitle report is not good either -- see below for the only glaring mistake.

However, what the film does have going for it is erotic imagery, some of which is very imaginative. One entire story is shown split screen, and there was even a very colorful homage to The Night Porter.

There are a precious few reviews on line, and all agree that it is worth watching if the nudity fest is enough for you. I will give this one a C-, based strictly on the visual imagery.

IMDb has not yet discovered this one.

Japanese actress Haruka Serizawa

Her countrywoman Minami Hishakawa

Both women together










Imagine a DVD of Andy Sidaris movies in which everything but the nekkid babes has been cut out.  Nothing blown up, no skateboarding, no toy airplanes. You could group the remaining scenes into types that show off the 3 B's: shower scenes and hot tub scenes and boffing scenes and naked gals pouring coffee scenes. Add some commentary and voila you have yourself a winner. Sounds like a plan, if you ask me.  We could call it American Erotic Movies and we could sell it in the Far East.

Well, in pretty much the reverse of that plan there is this disk called Chinese Erotic Movies. It takes all the naked Asian babe clips from Erotic Ghost Story 1, 2 and 3 and from Zen & Sex, and it pieces them together with a bit of narrative. Nothing obtrusive, mind you, just a bit of voice-over to make you feel so well educated when its over. And the makers of the disk add some clips from another movie that no one has ever heard of...called Confessions of a Concubine because they felt the urge.

Out of all this comes a fair amount of good news and some significant bad news. Good news is obvious.: nekkid Asian babes. Lots of 'em. Chinese and Japanese gals who look absolutely yummy. And the makers of it all see to it that you know from which film is each gal's scene. Fine. I like that. But they do not give you the name of the actress or actresses in the scene. And because the clips are shown with no context and no other credits, there is this small problem of figuring which name goes with which gal. A little work with that wonderous invention of Al Gore's, however, and I managed to determine several of the names. Some are sorta familiar. Amy Yip has been in the pages of the Funhouse before. And Pauline Chan...famous for pretty much the same reason that Sylvia Plath and Shauna Grant are. There are a couple others who are known within the Hong Kong B-movie scene, such as Noelle Chik King-Man and Isabella Chow. And then a lot of gals with no other movies in their IMDb credits. Plus a bunch of women who are, at this point, nameless. I capped them ... even the Concubine scenes...and put them together in some sort of organized fashion...well, everything BUT the Concubine scenes. Lots of collages, chuck full of lovely women.

Some comments on the individual scenes:


  • Amy Yip tries to keep the vital goodies hidden in her movies; and that works in Erotic Ghost Story 1 but some slippage of the nipple-age takes place in Sex and Zen.

Erotic Ghost Story

Sex and Zen


  • Carrie Ng, Isabella Chow and Rena Murakami are also in Sex and Zen. Carrie's scene requires no comment.  Isabella's, however, is kind of a hoot when you understand that the movie follows this guy who has had his own schlong chopped off so it could be replaced with that of a horse. The horse appears to have had no say in the matter. So when Isabella looks shocked at the sight of his member and then...shall we say uncomfortable when said member is used will understand why. Isabella shows up again with Rena Murakami in a scene where the two of them pleasure one another with a flute (that's the shiny thing between them in Rena's 4th collage).  Tis a real band camp moment.





  • Amy Yip, Chia-Ling Ha and Hitomi Kudo play sisters seduced by a male spirit or something like that in Erotic Ghost Story 1. Chia is quite the pet and Hitomi gives up serious gynocam material (see her 10th collage).
Chia-ling Ha



  • The only gal I could figure out from Erotic Ghost Story 2 is Ichijo Sayun. Once again the gynocam was used in the filming of this movie.
  • In Erotic Ghost Story 3, Pauline Chan and Noelle Chik King-Man display the wares. Noelle is in two scenes...a long bath scene and then a very long boff-a-guy-to-bring-him-back-from-the-spirit-world scene. Can't say I've watched many of those and it turns out to be my fave of all the ones presented here. Pauline is the reason he is the spirit world in the first place.


  • And then there are the Unknown naked Asian babes, often involved in keeping one another company.  A lot of advanced lesbotronics in these movies. And I learned that the target audience for the films enjoys a particularly interesting fetish ... that of two gals rubbing their mighty fines together. Every damn movie in this collection seemed to have at least one scene like that. Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.
Erotic Ghost Story
Erotic Ghost Story 2
Erotic Ghost Story 3


At the end of it all, I gotta tell you my idea for the Andy Sidaris disk would be much more interesting. So many of the scenes In Chinese Erotic Movies run on and and on and on and you just want them to stop. I mean that ... and you should think of the implications. How many times have you heard me say I wished a scene with a naked gal in it would just stop? And you won't hear it again until someone markets the wedding night video of Tom and Roseanne.







Today we look at the women of "All Souls Day." Sadly we hit the jackpot with only one. 

Danielle Burgio breasts but barely visible.

Ellie Cornell shows off her new bra.

Nichole Hiltz has nice legs.

Mircea Monroe looks great in her bra, but even better when she loses it.

Marisa Ramirez winds up the day with breasts, but they are all painted up.





Liv Tyler in Stealing Beauty


Pat's comments in yellow...

In a survey by, 68 percent of Americans said they think their lives are worthy of a book.  23 percent think they could write a sex manual.  That's 28 percent of men and only 17 percent of women.  

*  That means 11 percent of men are kidding themselves about their sexual
prowess, which seems awfully low.

A study by AutoVantage listed the US cities with the most and least courteous drivers.  The nicest are in Minneapolis, Nashville, St. Louis, Seattle and Atlanta, where drivers are least likely to swear at other drivers or change lanes without signaling. The top five rudest cities were Phoenix, New York, Los Angeles, Boston, and at #1, Miami.  Miami drivers speed, tailgate and cut off other drivers more often than any others.

*  This proves there are now more New Yorkers in Miami than in New York.

The Catholic Church is not alone in its call for a boycott of the movie "The DaVinci Code."  The National Organization for Albinism is protesting because the villainous monk in it is an albino, and accusing Hollywood of never showing a sympathetic albino character.

*  Normally, they don't complain, but this movie goes beyond the pale.