Yo, Bros ... a Donny Osmond Rappin' Xmas.

Janeane Garofalo and Alanis Morrissette's Ironic Christmas

The Grinch Who Stole Dad's Credit Cards

Ron Jeremy's "'Tiny' Tim is one of those ironic nicknames"

Sweet Sweetback's Badass Christmas

That carrot ain't the snowman's NOSE

Mel Torme's Decomposing Christmas

My Dinner with Prancer

Dennis Leary's Chain-Smokin' Hate-Everything Christmas

The 13th Warrior

Scoopy, just before your summer break, I think it was by the end of June, you made a request for vidcaps of Stefania Sandrelli in La Chiave ( The Key ). Well I can at last fulfill your request. I finally made the vidcaps ( 10! ) from that movie that I had on tape for several months. Something always came up when I wanted to do them but now they're here as my gift to you for letting me be on the Fun House for one year now. The Key is a film by Italian director Tinto Brass. This film is probably his only "masterpiece", his other films always result in vulgarity with plenty of nudity by grade B or C actresses. La Chiave is different in that it is actually loosely based on a Japanese novel but set in Venice during the Mussolini era and that the leading role went to Italian mainstream actress Stefania Sandrelli. She puts on an excellent performance in this movie and she really seemed to enjoy the part. And she does show everything ! Brass never liked bras, nor other clothing, in his films ;-)

Some pictures of early on in the film. The young woman in the bottom left picture is her prudish daughter who never gets naked in the movie. She's played by debuting Barbara Cupisti. Then Stefania pretends to faint in the toilet and the others come to the rescue. The young guy ( her son in law ? ) gives her an injection but that doesn't help. Her husband, an old professor, then lives out his fantasy. He undresses his wife and takes very revealing nude photographs of her. The fantasy continues and the professor loses his glasses in a very strange place ! ( top, third frame from left ) Time for Stefania to wake up and come clean. Meanwhile the professor has the photos developed by the young guy who gets turned on by it. Stefania knows this and gives in to his yearningsMs. Sandrelli probing the youngster's merchandise. Did the young one put a bottle of Coke in his underpants or is he just happy to see her ? Is it the real thing ? Anyway, you can't beat the feeling. A short interlude with her husband and then it's back to the youthfull strenght. More frolicking with the lucky young dude. Stefania visibly enjoying her encounter with the young guy. The youngster checking how he would look with a moustache. Then it's back to the professor but this time the roles are reversed and he has to oblige her. She makes him put on her underwear, thereafter it's time for some action. Still more action which finally causes the professor, who already had a dicky ticker, to suffer a massive heart attack. Shortly after he dies and it's of to the island of San Michele with him ( Venice's cemetary ). Finally I'll uncover what Tinto Brass left covered. Barbara Cupisti, the prudish daughter, in some revealing pics from Italian paparazzi magazines. To end this contribution there's also a raw vidcap from a scene from the incomprehensible film The Beast ( La Bête ) that other vidcappers didn't cap. It shows Sirpa Lane's bottom and the rigid member of the beast. It shows the reason why the creature was never brought to trial : "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit". Hey, OJ, brotha, if ya read this, ya ain't gonna start raping midgets now, ya hear. That Snowwhite's thing. ( a terrible Stone Cold imitation IMHO ).

That's it, Scoopy, I hope you can use this rather large first birthday contribution.

Scoop- I work at a video store, and my co-workers and I get pretty bored. One night we got together and came up with a bunch of movies that even though they're not porn movies, they sure sound like them. Of course, there's probably a lot more that we haven't listed here, but these are some that we came up with. I figured that since you have a lot of humor in your pages, this might be of use. And you have my permission to use it how you wish. It might be fun to have people add to it now and then, but anyway, here's the list... of Real movies that sound like porn...

The Cowboy Way Getting Even With Dad Deep Rising The Iron Giant Die Hard Velvet Goldmine Firestarter First Contact Big and Hairy Teaching Mrs. Tingle What's Eating Gilbert Grape The Black Hole Pecker Dick

Ivory Terri Runnels Miss Jacqueline BB Stacy Carter

And some non-rasslin'. Marnette Patterson in "Search Party" (#1 #2 #3)

Members Bonuses- Assorted

I haven't seen this film. Tuna's comments: "The Blood Oranges (1997) is a story set in an unnamed paradise and is about open marriage. One couple, secure in their alternate life-style, think they have met the couple of their dreams. The relationships do not prove to be as easy as first thought. The critics that have reviewed it, hate it -- I didn't. The photography, as the 32 images I have produced show, is superb, there is ample nudity, and I found the plot, while a little slow-paced, to be engrossing, and rather sensitive. It is shot in Mexico, and features ocean shots and Spanish gardens that make me want to move there.

We have exposure from three actresses -- Sheryl Lee, Laila Robins and Aida Lopez. German born Sheryl has 27 credits at IMDB, and briefly dated David Duchovny. Laila is credited with 20 projects, including Planes, Trains and Automobiles. This is Aida's only film appearance, and she has a lengthy, but non-speaking part which includes full-frontal nudity."

Sheryl Lee (#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8 #9 #10 #11 #12 #13) Aida Lopez (#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7) Laila Robins (#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8 #9 #10 #11 #12)

"Illuminata", from Johnny Web

This is writer-director John Turturro's attempt to create a stylish theatrical comedy in the fashion of "Shakespeare in Love". It even has all the men named with single Italian names like "Tuccio", and plenty of door and staircases, in an attempt to replicate the feel of the Shakespearean comedies. In its efforts to be both witty and profound, it seems to me to fail on both counts. It is stylish and it is arty, but I'd say it wanders off very far in the direction of pretentious. If you think Ingmar Bergman's "Smiles of a Summer Night" was hilarious, you'll probably like this. If you have more mainstream tastes, rent it anyway and use the fast forward, because it has plenty of nudity and the photography is gorgeous.

Some critics though this was swill, and others thought it was cinema at its best. I'll give you a good example of each, and let's move on. Here is the review from salon.com, which thought it was a masterpiece. On the other hand, here's Mr Cranky's overview. My take on it is that it was too stylized and meandering, and too artificial in the scenes which were not supposed to be artificial. The play-within-a film, written by the Turturro character, which ultimately moved the audience to tears, is abysmal. So bad that I kept waiting for the punch line, like somebody cutting onions in the theater.

The film is filled with good moments, from both the cast and the filmmakers, but it just isn't a cohesive whole. It shows that Turturro may someday make stylish and profound movies, but this one only promises the greatness rather than delivers it.

The death scene is 1) Gratuitous. It should have been cut. 2) Out of tone with the rest of the movie. 3)Pretentious and totally derivative of Bergman (see cap below)

On the other hand, a movie that gets Susan Sarandon's top off has to get some respect from me. Sarandon. The third one is just a little cleavage shot. (#1 #2 #3) Aida Turturro, John's sister and on The Sopranos. Georgina Cates (#1 #2 #3 #4) Katherine Borowitz, Turturro's wife. She's the best thing in the movie by far, IMO. Why isn't she a star? But from the looks of her upper body, Turturro might wanna think about making her eat some of his sister's meals.

And just for fun: Christopher Walken, even more over-the-top than usual as a mock Oscar Wilde with a foreign accent. Ben Gazzara making a complete fool of himself. Thanks to Ben, this movie was probably the only time in Walken's career when he wasn't the strangest guy in the cast. Bev D'Angelo. Fully dressed, but still looking great. That ludicrous death scene I talked about. Looks like one of those Bergman parodies from Second City (Remember "Scenes from an Idiot's Marriage", the mock-Bergman starring Jerry Lewis?). Unfortunately, this one wasn't supposed to be funny. Worst of all, they were all standing in fixed poses, with no movement or gestures when they spoke.