Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Fascination is basically another ugly step-child of
the post Body Heat era, an erotic thriller.
A man drowns while swimming, despite the fact that he was in perfect physical
condition and a former Olympic silver medalist in swimming. His distraught son
finds dad's death rather suspicious, and his suspicions deepen when his mom goes
on a cruise after the funeral, and comes back with a new beau who moves in
immediately and marries the mom not long thereafter. Those ol' suspicions get as
deep as a chasm when the son finds an old picture of mom and her new beau
looking mighty cozy - while dad was still alive.
Having nobody else to confide in, he turns for solace to his new stepsister
(the daughter of mom's new beau), who fans the fires of suspicion even more when
she admits that her mom also died under suspicious circumstances. The son
finally has his dad's body exhumed and tested by a toxicologist, who determines
that dad's drowning was probably caused by his being drugged out by a
disproportionate dose of mom's sleeping pills. Right from the beginning we know
that the son is an innocent party - he's the mark - but we don't know who,
if anyone, conspired to kill dad, and we don't really know why. (The apparent
motive keeps shifting.) We don't even know if the mother's beau and the daughter
are really who they say they are. For all practical purposes, there are only
three other characters in the film besides the innocent son, and the answer to
the puzzle may involve any combination of them. To say any more would be
The film is extremely plot-heavy in the second half, with the twists and
revelations and pseudo-surprises coming one after another. You won't find any of
the developments to be especially imaginative or surprising, although you may
not anticipate every melodramatic detail. Most of you, like me, have been down
this road before, and know generally what to expect.
Lacking any witty dialogue or imagination, this is essentially a Cinemax or
straight-to-vid softcore erotic thriller, except without the intense sex scenes.
In fact, the exposure is minimal: some buns from Adam Garcia in one sex scene,
and some breasts from Alice Evans in a completely different sex scene - the
eroticism of which is spoiled by darkness, as well as inopportune cuts and
dissolves. The only thing that raises Fascination above the normal level for
this genre is the purported $5 million budget and the presence of Jacqueline
Bisset as the mother. La Bisset must have needed some extra Christmas money to
agree to this script.
Somehow, in total defiance of reason, this film did not go straight to video
or cable, but received a brief theatrical release - very brief - ten days in ten
theaters. On its second Friday it pulled in $519 in total, which must be some
kind of record. Assuming each theater screened the film three times that day, it
brought in $17 per screening. And some of that was accumulated at New York
ticket prices, because Fascination was reviewed by the Times and the Village
Voice! So we're probably talking about an average of fewer than two people per
Although the film looks fairly good, it has to be considered a failure. It
can't pass muster as an erotic entertainment, because it has very little sex and
nudity. It fails as a thriller because the characters are stock, the dialogue is
mundane, and the plot is by-the-numbers.
Surprisingly it's a fairly good DVD. There is a nice transfer of the film in
its original 2.35:1 aspect ratio, and a "director's cut," which seemed to be the
same movie except for the ending (which changed who survived a final car crash,
but did not offer additional or different information about events leading up to
that point). There is also a twelve minute "making of" featurette, and a six
minute featurette on how the scenes looked in storyboard form.
A few more of Marisa and the stripper, and a couple
of Lili Taylor
'Caps and comments by Hankster
"Deadly Run" is the story of a businessman who
kidnaps women and takes them out into the wilderness and turns them loose and
then hunts them down and kills them (geez, was this theme ever done before).
Anyway, its a horrible movie starring the world's most aggravating and inept
male actor Danny Fendley. We did another of his movies a short time back
"Compelling Evidence", at least that one had some decent nudity. I guess I
am a lover of bad movies that are so bad they are good. But this one is
just plain bad & rotten. I think I am ashamed to even show you this movie, but
if it stops anyone else from viewing it than it's worth it. If you see it in a
bargain bin, run for the nearest exit.
Caps and comments by Brainscan:
Blood Sisters: Vamps 2 (2002) is a
sequel to Vamps 1. Not exactly like saying Godfather 2 is a sequel to
Godfather 1. Nope, sure isn't. The set-up here is that at least one
stripper at a joint called Vamp (not Vamps, as the title might lead one to
believe) is a vampire. She's played by Glori-Anne Gilbert. It has been
an age since I first capped Glori-Anne in something entitled Dream Witch,
and since then she has become something of a Funhouse fave, thanks to
massive robohooters, blonde hair and the cutest little face you are ever
gonna see. Makes you want to just hug her. So where was I? Oh yes,
Glori-Anne's a vampire and she's living with and boffing an ex-priest even
though she does not look the least bit like an altar boy. And Amber
Newman wants her dead because her character did something bad in Vamps 1.
But Glori-Anne wins and you see her at the end in the light of day so you
are left to figure she is a very special vampire. Or something.
Who cares? Glori-Anne gives up serious robohooterness in a bunch of
scenes, the best of which are a sport-humping scene that starts off the
whole sheebang and a stripping scene. There is even a little thong-bum a
bit later on but no one in this magnum opus shows us the bush. Amber
Newman shows off 2 B's and so do Leslie Culton and Trena Rayne (who The
Gimp tells me looks a lot like 90's pornstar Belladonna, who was the
daughter of some guy on Bonanza, but what do I know?). Shelby Taylor and
Zoe Ciel give up only robo-hooters and floppo-hooters respectively. Then
you get a bunch of strippers who are named as a group in the credits and I
began to despair until I said to myself, "Brain, thems looks like real
strippers. I wonder if any of 'em is on the web?" And I was right.
Anastasia Heonis and Kelsey Kelleen were easy to identify. Two others
were not and so they remain unknown, at least to me, even though one gal
(unknown 2) has a typically enhanced stripper's bod.
Right. So not a good movie. Worst acting in the history of human
civilization and direction so inept you cannot really call it directing.
But it has Glori-Anne and a few others sorta worth a look or two. I
|Linnea Quigley, very young, some quite explicit, back
when women had pubic hair and natural breasts.
|Kari Wuhrer in The Prophecy: Forsaken
|Kathryn Winnick in Hellraiser: Hellworld
|Malonga Desiree in Hellraiser: Hellworld
The Crimson Ghost
Hello Scoopy !
Today I've got two clips of Carroll Baker in 1975's "Lezioni private"
aka The Private Lesson (1
coming-of-age film aired yesterday on Italian TV. Unfortunately it's not
what I had hoped for. Not only is the picture quality not very good, a
scene involving a match and a naked Carroll is missing as well.
The movie is pretty rare though, so I'm sending it in anyway. With a bit
of wishful thinking all 3 B's might be on display but never closely or
in good light.
That's all for today.
|Faye Dunaway in Network
|First Look at Anne Hathaway in Havoc
|Juliette Lewis being punk, but also kinda hot.
Here are the latest movie reviews
available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
"Cash-strapped U.S. military releases secret technologies in
consumer products" (Weekly World News)
Letterman's "Top Ten Rejected Titles For The Gay Detective Show"
The trailer for Horrors of War ... "The O.S.S. sends out
several special missions to cope with Hitler's secret weapons."
Latest on the 10 picture Marvel deal -
British filmmaker Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead) is poised to
direct Ant-Man. Wright apparently plans on making Ant-Man a
comedy. It didn't really dawn on me when the Marvel story
broke, but the massive deal does NOT include Silver Surfer. I
think ol' Surfy could make a helluva movie if done right.
Will Ferrell needs a Bibb - Leslie Bibb - to co-star in his new
Ask Michael D. Brown: FEMA Director (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
Four clips and a few pics from the Keira Knightley
interpretation of Pride and Prejudice
The Daily Show:
"As Katrina's waters broke through New Orleans' levee, Bush
headed into the eye... of San Diego."
Marc Siegel, the author of False Alarm talks about misdirected
AmIAnnoying.com asks: Who is the most annoying actress on Uncle
Scoopy's Top 20 Celebrity Nude Scenes ? It seemed to
be a dead heat between Juliette Lewis and Neve Campbell. If you
want to see the original list they are referring to, it is
FOX REPORTS BAD NEWS ... White House Demands Investigation
- In a stunning departure from its standard operating
procedure, the Fox News Channel began reporting bad news last
week, startling its viewers and prompting the White House to
launch a full-fledged investigation of the cable news giant.
Potter Novels Available for Downloads "J.K. Rowling, once
publishing's greatest holdout against the computer age, has made
all six Potter novels available for audio downloads."
Dog bites man department.
Jay Mohr says "I am a loser."
Celine Dion: "Oh, they're stealing 20 pair of jeans or they're
stealing television sets. Who cares? They're not going to go too
far with it." ... "Maybe those people are so poor, some of
the people who do that they're so poor they've never touched
anything in their lives. Let them touch those things for once."
- Hey, there's an idea for celebrity activism - as well as a
great reality show. Ten poor people are invited into Celine
Dion's home to "touch" her stuff. Whichever person "touches"
the least is voted "out of the mansion," but the other nine
get to return, etc., until a champion is declared! I would
watch that. It would be like Supermarket Sweep, except at
Google Maps has been updated with post-Katrina footage of New
A book review/summary of Pornified
- "Prior to the Internet, law enforcement believed that
child porn had been basically wiped out. It was a crime from a
previous age, like body snatching. But then came the Web.
Between 1996 and 2004, child-porn cases handled by the FBI
increased 23 fold. The research presented in Pornified argues
that technology does not merely make it easier to serve an
existing desire, it allows deep exposure that for many people
results in stronger and more specific versions of the the
Trojan swaps porn for Koran
- "A new Trojan horse appears to be on a moral mission to
stamp out adult Web sites, says anti-virus firm Sophos.
Instead of snooping for sensitive financial information or
secretly taking control of an infected computer, the Trojan
horse, called Yusufali-A, monitors Web surfing habits,
PCWorld.com reports. When it spots an objectionable term such
as 'sex' or 'exhibition' in the browser's title bar, it hides
the Web site and instead "
PayPal introduces micro-payments. They hope to spur a music
download avalanche. Many people wonder whether this will hurt
record companies by placing artists and their customers in
Jay Leno digs up Samuel L Jackson's first-ever job - as a
commercial spokesman! Seems like he was kind of a good-ass
motherrespecter in those days.
One reason to say yes to lap dancing: "An angry San Diego
topless dancer pulled out a knife and stabbed a customer after
he refused a lap dance, police said on Thursday."
- New excuse for the wife: Honey, I couldn't say "no". Too
"A handful of has-been celebrities are hoping to heat up their
careers by taking to the ice. "
- "Following on the heels of ABC's breakout hit, Dancing
with the Stars, Skating also hopes to put its celebs through
their paces, though instead of dance moves, they'll be trying
to land axels, toe loops and the like over the course of six
Gainesville residents buy as many as 80 cases each in beer sale.
"Consumers were reminded to drink responsibly."
- Drink responsibly? Yeah, I can do that. Hell, give me only
78 cases. I'm driving.
One New Orleans bar keeps its doors open through catastrophe
Conan is visited by a travelling salesman
This week's movies:
The Exorcism of Emily Rose - 64% positive reviews. It's a
horror movie - no, it's a courtroom drama. Why, it's two films
According to one source ... which 2005 film broke a 16 year old
record for using the word "fuck" the most? (Previous record
holder: "Born on the Fourth of July"). When Scarface set the
record way back in 1983, the bar was set at 218 "fucks," a bar
which has now been lifted to 560! In order to reach 600 in 90
minutes, a script would need to use "fuck" every 9 seconds.
Alamo City Saints likely for '05
USC tops College Football Rankings. Our Longhorns are
second, but a distant second.
This week's movies:
An Unfinished Life - 64% positive reviews.
This week's movies:
The Man - 0% good reviews. I watched the first sample clip -
"he's my bitch" - and laughed my ass off. I was stoked for the
film at that point, but then I watched the rest of the clips and
never cracked even a hint of a smile.
The Weekend Warrior looks at the upcoming weekend box
office. He thinks Emily Rose (3000 theaters) will take the #1
spot, with The Man (1800 theaters) limping into #4. He also
thinks Transporter 2 will drop below Virgin, which it beat last
week. The only other major release this week is An Unfinished
Life which has a big cast (Morgan Freeman, Redford, J-Lo), but
is only going into 400 theaters.
Jon Stewart discusses the post-Hurricane bungling.
The Daily Show's Ed Helms takes a look at the efforts to save
our beloved and beleaguered president.
Hoaxer tricks testicle-cooking contest
- A man claiming to be Australian chef Nibel Bevan rang the
World Testicle Cooking Championship in Serbia, asking to take
part. Organiser Gornji Milanovac said they imported kangaroo
testicles especially for the Australian team - but nobody
turned up. He said: "The caller told us cooked kangaroo
testicles were a popular delicacy in Australia, and gave us
the details of where we could get kangaroo testicles from so
we could have them ready when Mr Bevan and his team arrived.
We would like to compare the testicles of a kangaroo to those
of wild boars and bulls. That would really make our unique
competition the World Championships. We were disappointed when
no Australians arrived, we even had a band ready to welcome
- One thing I've always said about the Serbs - they have a
Here's another story about the championship, in which a
- The best cooked balls come from Serbia
- Testicles are becoming more popular in Belgrade
- Next year the event will include an ‘exotic testicles’
section where chefs will have to come up with a dish using
camel and ostrich testicles.
Urban Legends Reference Pages: is his full name Willy Gilligan?
Ben Stein writes an impassioned defense of George Bush's
response to the hurricane
Hit The Road, Jack - the army discharges Jack Kerouac during
wartime - diagnosing him with dementia praecox. (Pretty much
an old fashioned way to describe schizophrenia: "any of several
psychotic disorders characterized by distortions of reality and
disturbances of thought and language and withdrawal from social
contact.") Kerouac had enlisted.
First picture of Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor
Halliburton awarded no-bid trillion dollar contract to rebuild
A gazillion stills from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Pat Reeder (comedy-wire.com)
CALIFORNIA ASSEMBLY APPROVES GAY MARRIAGE
Tuesday, the California Assembly voted to allow gay marriage, despite the voters
passing a ballot initiative in 2000 defining marriage as a union of a man and a
woman. The bill still has to be signed by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose
office said he thinks it's best settled by the courts.
* ...Or the Pope, or anyone else who never has to run for
* If he vetoes this, he'll never be able to return to movies... His hair and
makeup will look AWFUL!!
* Californians believe marriage is a sacred institution between a woman and
a man...Like Liz Taylor and Nicky Hilton, Michael Wilding, Mike Todd, Eddie
Fisher, Richard Burton, John Warner and Larry Fortensky.
ENGAGED ARMSTRONG MAY GO FOR #8
Lance Armstrong just made news twice, first by announcing his engagement to
Sheryl Crow, then by hinting he may return to the Tour de France. He said "I'm
finished" after recently winning for a seventh time, but now he says he's
so angry at the French for slandering him by suggesting he took banned
substances, he may be back next year. He said, "I'm thinking it's the
best way to piss the French off."
* They'll just accuse him of using other substances that are banned in
France, like soap and deodorant.
SADDAM CONFESSES, SHOULD BE HANGED 20 TIMES A DAY
The new leader of Iraq, Jalal Talabani, said that Saddam Hussein has now
confessed to ordering killings and "there are 100 reasons to sentence Saddam to
death." He added, "Saddam deserves a death sentence 20 times a day because he
tried to assassinate me 20 times." But Saddam's lawyers requested a delay in
the October 19 trial date, saying the state has 36 tons of evidence against him
and they can't possibly read it all by then.
* They expect to have it all read by January, 2075.
* They can't try him because there's way too much evidence of his guilt?
That's a defense that would only work in California.
DIET HELPS YOU LIVE SIX YEARS LONGER
In the British Medical Journal, scientists from Australia and the Netherlands
claim they've invented a diet that cuts heart disease by 78 percent and adds 4.8
years to a woman's life and 6 years to a man's. You have to eat four servings
of fish a week, plus daily servings of 400 grams of fruit and vegetables, 68
grams of almonds, 2.7 grams of garlic, 150 milliliters of red wine and 100 grams
(3.5 ounces) of dark chocolate.
* Drop the fruits and veggies, change the almonds to beer
nuts, and switch four Big Macs to fish sandwiches, and I'm already there!
* Can the chocolate be eaten in the form of a can of cake frosting?
* Woody Allen was right! Fudge is a health food!
* I'll live 12 years longer: I eat twice that much chocolate and wine!
POLITICIAN BUYS GIANT PENIS PHOTO
New Zealand Parliament Minister Chris Carter was at a gay charity group's
auction when the crowd began giving him a hard time for not contributing, so he
bought the next item for $130 without knowing what it was. He then discovered
he was the proud owner of a yard-long photo of a penis. He says he doesn't know
what he'll do with it, but it probably won't hang in his office. An auction
spokesman said the other items were kind of far-out, too, like a T-shirt showing
Batman and Robin kissing, but "the picture probably takes the cake."
* Coincidentally, the cake was also shaped like a giant penis...And was made
with self-rising flour.
* In fact, that picture once hung in the Bat Cave.
* It's a framed photo that's very heavy, so he'll need to make sure it's
"IDIOT" WANTS HIS CANNONBALL REPLACED
Yale Metzger of Alaska was excavating land he owned in Cordova when he found a
four-inch, century-old cannonball. Curious how it got there, he tossed it in
the back of his pickup, drove home to downtown Anchorage, and let it roll around
in the truck for a year before he got around to asking the police to examine
it. The bomb squad rushed over and blew it up. They said it was full of
volatile black powder and could have exploded and sent shrapnel flying for
blocks. Metzger said that was no more likely than a meteor
hitting his truck, and he wants the cops to replace his cannonball. A police
spokesman called him an "idiot."
* When Metzger heard that, he blew up.
* Metzger's got other things to worry about: a meteor just hit his truck.
* Metzger's just glad he didn't tell them about that ancient Eskimo hand
grenade he found.
MAN WHO DENIES SMOKING POT IS JUST BLOWIN' SMOKE
The Douglas County, Nevada, Record-Courier reports that Travis Keith Kluever was
arrested in a Wal-Mart parking lot on drug charges. A police officer had come
to serve him with child support papers, pulled up next to his car, and said he
saw Kluever light a marijuana pipe. He said he walked up to the window, and
Kluever appeared startled, threw down the pipe, and blew pot smoke in his face.
The cop said Kluever denied he was smoking pot, then blew a second puff of pot
in the cop's face.
* Gee, I wonder what he spent the child support money on?
* Then the cop said, "I've got papers for you," and he replied, "I don't need
papers, man, I got a bong."
* If his wife thinks she's getting child support out of him, that's a pipe
TESTICLE-COOKING CHAMPIONSHIP PRANKED
Organizers of the World Testicle Cooking Championship in Serbia got a call from
a man claiming to be Nibel Beven, Australia's top testicle chef, asking to
compete. He asked them to have kangaroo testicles ready for him. The Serbians
obtained the kangaroo testicles and even hired a band to greet him, only to
discover it was a hoax phone call.
* If you think the Serbians were angry, imagine how the kangaroo felt.
* It made the Serbians really testy.
* It's too bad Beven didn't attend...They guarantee he would've had a ball.
NEW TOYOTA KEEPS YOUR EYES FRONT
Toyota has developed a computerized safety device to prevent drivers from taking
their eyes off the road. A camera behind the steering wheel detects if the
driver is not looking straight ahead and flashes a dashboard light and beeps to
get the driver's attention. If the driver's eyes don't return to looking ahead,
the car applies the brakes.
* Great: now rubberneckers will stop traffic DEAD!
* This device is absolutely, positively guaranteed...to kill you.
* If you stare too long at the breasts of a woman in the passenger seat, a
mechanical hand comes out of the dash and slaps you.
* Forget this; just invent a device that turns off the driver's cell phone.
POLICE RECRUIT FINGERPRINTS HIMSELF, GETS ARRESTED
A police recruit at Porirua, New Zealand's, Royal Police College was
fingerprinted in a routine classroom exercise, to show him how it was done. His
prints were then run through a computer. It revealed that he was wanted on an
outstanding warrant for serious assault, and he was arrested.
* And that's how it's done.
* On the plus side, he got extra credit for already knowing how to use a gun.
VIDEO GAMES TAKING OVER WORLD
The University of Central Florida has launched the Florida Interactive
Entertainment Academy, a $6 million facility offering the nation's first
graduate degree program in video games. UCF says students don't just play
games: it's designed to teach students to design games for the $7.5 billion
video game industry. They said game makers had complained that people with
bachelor's degrees just weren't qualified to design video games.
* They were only qualified to PLAY video games.
* And these graduates will be qualified to do nothing else.
* They were having to hire the only people who were qualified: 12-year-olds.
* It's such a rigorous program, students would have to give up their social
lives, if they had one.
The Singapore Ministry of Defense granted a two-month deferment to a draftee so
he can play in the World Cyber Games, a video game competition. Singapore wants
to boost its video game industry, and a military spokesman said they consider
deferments to recruits who represent the nation at prestigious international
sports, arts and cultural events.
* And, apparently, at video game competitions.
* Besides, they figure "Grand Theft Auto" will train him to kill better than
OBI-WAN'S ORIGINAL CLOAK FOUND
The cloak worn by Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) in the original "Star Wars" has
been found at the Angels & Bermans costume shop in London, where it was being
rented out for parties as a monk costume. A clerk put it on, and the owner
suddenly recognized it and said, "Oh my God!" Research confirmed it came to the
store before the film was released, before anyone knew it would become
"iconic." It's now on display at Harrod's department store and is valued at
* They could've charged a LOT more to rent it! It's a
* If they ever find Princess Leia's gold bikini, Bill Gates will give them a
billion dollars for it.
BRITNEY TO SHOW CHILDBIRTH ON TV?
Britain's Daily Star tabloid claims that Britney Spears is planning to raise
money to help New Orleans by filming the birth of her baby for a TV show. They
say there's a network bidding war, and offers have already hit $9 million. An
unnamed source said Britney had rejected the idea, but when she realized how the
money could help her home state, she changed her mind, as long as the televised
birth "is tastefully done and she gets her privacy."
* Luckily, Britney has her own unique definitions of
"privacy" and "tasteful."
* How about if we all chip in and pay her $10 million NOT to show this?
* I predicted she'd end up spreading her legs on camera for money, but I
thought it would be in porn.
"DILBERT" ANAL PORPOISE ASSAULT CENSORED
"Dilbert" cartoonist Scott Adams was forced to send out two strips Tuesday. In
the original strip, Dilbert's boss hires a porpoise because they've been known
to protect humans by attacking sharks, and in the last panel, the porpoise
attacks the company lawyer by embedding its snout in his rear end. Adams sent
an alternative strip with a different final panel after his syndicator, United
Media, warned that many papers would not accept a depiction of "anal porpoise
* Except in San Francisco, where the classifieds are full
* But changing it would defeat the porpoise!
* Showing a lawyer with a porpoise shoved up his butt would be very offensive!
People LIKE porpoises!
Paris Hilton told Vanity Fair that she's "so not sexual," and now that she's
getting married, she is settling down and her wild partying past is behind her.
She appears on the magazine cover topless, barely covering her breasts with her
* But she's not bottomless, so see? She's settling down!
* She covered her nipples because she's trying to make a good impression on her
* I can't wait for her to start appearing on the cover of Good Housekeeping.
* If she's really not sexual, she might enjoy being married.
Monica Lewinsky announced that she's leaving New York for London because
she's been accepted as a candidate for a master's degree in Social Psychology
at the London School of Economics
- She's VERY social
- She flunked the entrance exam, but she aced her
- She'll be very disappointed to discover that Big Ben
is just a clock.
Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email
address is firstname.lastname@example.org
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