Cybershitty (1999) -- oops, Cybercity, has been released by Roger Corman on DVD. I can't explain why he acquired the US distribution rights to this piece of celluloid. This review will be full of spoilers, so if you planed on seeing it, read the review anyway, burn the $10.00 you would have spent, and save yourself the pain of sitting through it. It must have had a life somewhere before Corman, as IMDB has it under the name "Shepherds." In Battle Queen 2020, an asteroid caused nuclear winter. In this masterpiece, a nuclear holocaust caused a deadly heat wave. Naturally, everyone lives underground. That means that the entire film is dark and grainy, and a bunch of high school students must have dropped in shortly before filming, as all of the trash cans are on fire.

Destroying the world didn't convince anyone that war might be overrated as a tool of diplomacy. Splinter religious sects vie for converts, and hire "shepherds" to "clean" anyone who is in their way. Our hero (C. Thomas Howell) is one such shepherd, and is assigned to kill another shepherd of a rival church. Of course, she is the lovely Heidi von Palleske. Howell had a wife and kid that were murdered. When he sees Palleske with her mute son, he can't shoot her, but decides instead to shoot the rest of the world and escape with her. He also has to convince her that this guy who came to shoot her is a worthy bed partner. Luckily, he does, or we would have lost 1/3 of the exposure.

Memories, it seems, are trapped in trick sunglasses, and we see the ex wife's breasts during these memory flashbacks. Sometimes they have raster lines across them, and sometimes not. According to the credits, she is Eliza Schwarz, but IMDB says she is Alisa Bonerz. This had me confused for a while, especially since this Alisa Bonerz has no other credits at IMDB, but I think I have figured it out. They mistook Schwarz (black) for Schwanz (tail, slang for pecker), then translated the name. Based on the quality of this film, they had the right idea, but didn't go far enough. I propose morphing her name yet again to Ilika Hardon.

Anyway, Howell also gets naked with an unknown girlfriend. The highlight of this film is the clever and intelligent dialogue, such as:

"There is a special place for you in the devil's asshole."

"Alas, my ass, the end is near."

"May the eternal goddess swallow him and every worthless limp dick."

The film has IMDB readers wishing there was something below 1 to award it, and I was afraid I would have to give it a D+ as it does have some of the features of a post-apocalyptic action film, but was saved by the ending. Remember, all of the fighting was among religious groups. At the end of the film, Palleske and Howell escape to the newly reborn world outside and become the new Adam and Eve, with their son Able (the kids name is actually Abe in the film). By the way, in a mind-numbing moment, Abe types an access code into the top secret lock that has kept all of humanity from going outside. So the real genre is Biblical Epic, and I can safely award F.

The Opening of Misty Beethoven (1975) was produced and directed by Radley Metzger, so it is no wonder that it is widely considered the best adult film of all time. It is an adult version of Pygmalion (or My Fair Lady, if you prefer) and is about a young girl (Misty Beethoven) who gives hand-jobs in a Paris adult theater. She is discovered by Dr. Love (Jamie Gillis), a sexologist, who takes a bet that he can teach her enough to be the bell of the ball at a famous magazine publisher's annual party.

The film is actually not as explicit as I remembered, and Metzger builds a lot of erotic tension by not showing everything every time. There are times when the dialogue is brilliant, such as when the flight attendant asks, "Ok, First Class, will that be SEX or non-SEX?" Gloria Leonard also makes her film debut here as the steady girlfriend of the magazine publisher. Leonard and Gillis joined for a feature length commentary, which is worth the price of the DVD. For instance, I finally learned why Linda Lovelace did not expose her breasts in Deep Throat. She has a long scar from an accident on her stomach. Metzger named Constance Money. The two did not get along at all, and when he ask her how she wanted to be credited, she said "anything but Constance." Naturally, he named her Constance, and used Money, which is the only thing that mattered to her, as the last name.

IMDB readers have this at 6.2/10. I can't award more than C to a hard-core, but this is a very very good one -- so good in fact that it premiered at the Four Seasons restaurant in New York.

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Also in recent media interviews:

Chantale Quesnelle gained 15 founds for her role because she figured her character has "hooters from hell". She is also a blonde but dyed her hair red for the role.

Kim Poirier said she stops short at the "full monty" although one of the male actors gets to enjoy her nudity on the screen.

"Meatballs" (1979)
Is the summer camp comedy starring Bill Murray which inspired three sequels and countless knockoffs. It's PG rated so the only skin is shown by Cindy Girling as she shows off her bountiful bosom.

"Oddballs" (1984)
Oddballs is a weak Meatballs knockoff starring Foster Brookes. Again it's PG-rated so it's mostly cleavage and bikinis.

"Screwballs" (1983)
Screwballs is more of a Porky's knockoff and has been capped before but here is Kimberly Brooks topless anyway.

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.