Phantom Love (2001) is a soft core romance novel Michelle Flotow is a romance author. When she delivers her latest damsel in distress pirate story, her publisher tells her that she has to come up with something new, and suggests she travel to Florence, the land of romance, for inspiration. She ends up at a B&B, and is given the diary of the countess who converted the old castle into a B&B. As she reads the diary, we see it acted out, with Flotow in the part of the countess.

The countess returns from America where she was educated upon the death of her father, to claim her inheritance. The castle is still inhabited by her aunt and two cousins. The aunt, it seems, wants to marry her off to a count, as they are broke. She falls in love with the grounds keeper. We see her in a girl/girl with a maid (Sandy Wasko) that she played with growing up, the count, and the grounds keeper. We also see each of her cousins, Leslie Taylor and Shannon Malone, in sex scenes with their boyfriends. Griffen Drew plays the part of the mystery novel heroine.

Wasko shows breasts and buns, as does Drew. The other three give three B performances. IMDb readers have this at 2.3, with very few votes. It is not the worst soft core i have seen, despite the fact that they misspelled the leads name in the opening credits. The sex scenes are not especially hot, but they do not drag to the point of boredom, and it does have some semblance of a plot. I tis well photographed, and the sets are good. All in all, this is a C effort, as a soft core.

9 Songs (1980):

9 Songs represents Michael Winterbottom's effort to make a daring, avant-garde film. It is a short (70 minutes) and shocking combination of only two elements, hardcore sex scenes and rock concerts. It is more or less a two-character drama, although I'm not sure if drama is the right word, since the non-musical portion of the film only lasts about forty minutes, those minutes are sex scenes, and there is very little dialogue, so I'm not sure how dramatic it is.

Matt, the male character is a geologist working in Antarctica. Since he has nothing to do with his spare time, he spends his waking moments in a melancholy remembrance of his recent past, reviewing a relationship that did not turn out as he hoped. As we see it through him, that romance seems to consist of nine concerts, each followed by sex. The cycle of the relationship is reflected in the progression of the sex acts. The sex is realistic, which is to say drawn out and static most of the time, but if you are curious the film does eventually present all the basic sex acts in graphic close-up, including a "money shot." In other words, it is like finding an open window and actually watching other people have sex without them knowing about it.

That's just about all there is to it.

Part of the sensational appeal comes from the fact that the actor and actress are not porn stars, but mainstream performers. Margo Stilley is a newcomer, but Kieran O'Brien is a familiar face in the UK, with two dozen IMDb credits over a movie and TV career which has spanned nearly two decades.

Maybe that will turn you on if your recognize them. I might get a tingle if it was Katie Holmes and Ryan Phillippe, or somebody like that, but I don't know either one of these people, so it was no different from watching anonymous porn actors, and I was bored stiff. Wait a minute, drop the "stiff" part. The sex scenes are more clinical than erotic and I was never aroused by them.

To be honest, I only found one element interesting in the film, and that was a very minor thing that the director may or may not have been intending. The sex scenes are punctuated with different music throughout the film, and it is interesting to note how deeply the background music affects ones mood while watching the mechanics, as if to demonstrate that the actual sex acts are inconsequential to our reactions, and that the director can produce any response he chooses simply by selecting the correct music. Demonstrating that point is certainly not why the director made the film, but the title of the film leads me to believe that the director was interested in the impact of music on our response, if only as a sub-text.

The reviews of the film could not have been much worse. BBC gave it the lowest possible rating, and huffed with classic British aplomb that the film was a "stultifying, self-conscious, and flesh-creepingly repulsive lot of codswallop." I'm not sure what codswallop is, or whether we have it in Texas, but I'm pretty sure that ain't no compliment. The Independent took the time to write a very good article, but summarized by calling it "empty-headed" and giving it their own basement score. Within the population of reviewers, those two were not especially harsh. For example, Goatdog wrote a lengthy and contemptuous piece, scored it 0/5, and refused to list Michael Winterbottom as a writer. ("That's not writing. It's just typing.")

I have amassed a bunch of clips from usenet, since there are sex scenes for about half of the film's running time. More later. Here are three for now - 13 minutes worth to keep you busy for a while. These are very long clips and are large in size, as detailed below.

Margo Stilley:

• A long scene of light bondage and cunnilingus, followed by entry. Six minutes long. (.wmv zipped -44meg, .avi zipped -25meg)
• A real-time blow job, including a money shot outside of her mouth. Four minutes long. (.wmv zipped -29meg, .avi zipped -16meg)
• A very explicit penetration scene. Three minutes long. (.wmv zipped -26meg, .avi zipped -16meg)

Things Behind the Sun (1980):

We have already covered this. The only reason I am addressing the movie again is that Tuna did it last week and he seems to have a different DVD, one with the more explicit moments censored. I got my copy from Blockbuster a long time ago, so I went back to get it again, and capped the lower body nudity that was absent in Tuna's version. It's fairly explicit, considering that Kim is a recognizable name and that the project originated on Showtime

• Kim Dickens (1, 2, 3)

Other Crap:

• WARNING: Certain songs can turn you gay.
• Now THAT is giving head!
• The trailer for Pervert! The Movie
• Jack Black is Computerman
• Banana Phone - covers your cellphone completely
• Woodward and Bernstein confirm that FBI official Mark Felt was "Deep Throat"
• A clip from Ten 'til Noon
  • "In ten minutes, everything can change. For these ten people, it will. A jet-lagged Larry Taylor awakens to find two strangers in his bedroom, and over the next ten minutes, will experience the most terrifying - and possibly final - moments of his life. But who these strangers are, and whay they want, can only be determined by events occuring elsewhere, and at the same time. We relive those same ten minutes through the eyes of those connected to what is not a simple home invasion, and with each person, find ourselves propelled closer to the truth."
• A clip from The Child, the drama which won the Palme D'Or at Cannes.
• Another new R-rated clip from The Devil's Rejects, Rob Zombie's sequel to House of 1000 Corpses.
• Watch Keira Knightley in the exclusive trailer for Pride and Prejudice.
• Conan O'Brien's May version of "If They Mated"
• Playboy founder Hugh Hefner is planning to expose his private life in an upcoming reality show
• Newsweek Entertainment takes an in-depth look at Batman Begins.
• Victoria Beckham is planning to release her new songs under a secret name. "She is hoping to prove cynics wrong by revealing her true identity after she has landed a number one hit." That could backfire. I tried the same thing, but then nobody would believe I was really Elvis, so eventually I had to kill off my fictional character.
• Jesus Christ Supercop There is some very funny material in this video.
• just another online riddle 60 levels
• "President Jimmy Carter and the killer rabbit - the true story, with the picture"
• BATMAN BEGINS - TV SPOT #10
• Submitter wrote: "Just a bunch of hot chicks. Skip the junk and go right to the contest / finalist section."
• CouchSurfing - The world is smaller than you think!
• craigslist: classifieds for jobs, apartments, personals, for sale, services, community, and events
• Is the box office half full or half empty? Many people reported that movies continue their decline from last year, and that this past weekend was down 6% from the same weekend last year. That is true, but what I didn't realize was
  • (a) this past weekend was the second best weekend in history. It just so happened that the best weekend was last year at this time
  • (b) this past weekend was 15% higher than the third best weekend of all time!
• American parliamentarians have filibusters. Africans have their own ways ...
  • Our "stunning grasp of the obvious" award goes to Business Day. Get this: "Business Day reports that placing dog feces under the bench of a Zulu prince would be seen as a grievous insult."
  • I'm trying to recall my college sociology and anthropology courses. Surely there are many cultures where a prince would not consider it an insult if you made him sit above dog shit. I vaguely remember something about Estonia.
  • Interestingly enough, this affront only applies to princes in Zulu culture. Commoners and even high-ranking artistocrats consider it the highest possible compliment if you make them sit in puppy poop. In fact, their swankiest Zulu restaurants give you a choice of different kinds of doggy-do to sit on, although they keep a shit-free chair handy in case a prince should wander by.
• Typing this while I can still see the keyboard.
• Deep Throat's identity finally revealed - it turns out to be ... (drumroll) ... Mark Felt. He was a top FBI official at the time of the break-in. This is not the first time his name has come up. Some years ago, Carl Bernstein's son told playmates that Felt was Deep Throat, and Felt's daughter told of a mysterious 1999 reunion between Woodward and Felt. See details in this Slate article. Mr Felt was considered a top candidate when the book first appeared, and actually denied being Deep Throat way back in 1974. Assuming Mr. Felt is telling the truth, kudos are in order for Jack Limpert of The Washingtonian for having solved the riddle immediately after All The President's Men was published!
• Actor Christian Slater was charged on Tuesday with sexual abuse after reportedly groping a woman's buttocks
• URL says it all: BikeBlender.com
• Why smart people defend bad ideas
• Turning an old dot matrix printer into a synth
• MovieJuice! reviews The Longest Yard - "Fool Hand Luke"
• That Hercules the Liger is one big mofo. And he's still growing. He weighs in at a grand, but is expected to put on another deuce and a half.
• Cute cartoon: Samuel L Jackson gets pissed off at Yoda.
• The Skinhead Hamlet - Shakespeare's masterwork in working class English dialect.
• Film Jerk's Early Report for May 30th
• Borowitz: U.S. ISSUES LIST OF APPROVED TAUNTS FOR GUANTANAMO ... Military Urges Use of Non-religious Insults
• When Greek ships meet US hotels ... Paris Hilton is engaged.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

.Email Scoopy Jr. if suggestions for future polls.

Here are the results of our previous polls:
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
The Top 20 Best Straight Sex Scenes
Best Lesbian Love Scenes

It's another all "Hankster Light day". Featuring 2 hotties from "Curse of the Komodo".

First up Glori-Anne Gilbert in all her glory as she shows off her mega hooters while taking a swim.

• Glori-Anne Gilbert (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

Then we have one of my favorites sexy Melissa Brasselle, now Melissa turns up in many B-movies which feature nudity, but some how she just never reveals the goodies.Bit nonetheless her she is with some nice cleavage and the pokies.

• Melissa Brasselle (1, 2, 3, 4)

"Lost Reality 2: More of the Worst"
Figure it this way: if garbage sells, then more garbage will sell more, right? That's the philosophy behind Lost Reality 2: More of the Worst.

As with the original, this is a compilation of really bad, totally outrageous, mostly nasty, ideas for reality shows that didn't catch on with the networks (or anyone else).

Besides new episodes of Amazing Racist and Money, which had episodes in the first volume, they've added such winners as Swing House, Foreign Family Affair, Midget Wars, Project Redlight, and others.

I think reality shows are total trash anyway; the few minutes of them that I've seen wouldn't hold the attention of a 3 year-old (which, I guess, is why they didn't hold my interest). The episodes in this collection are notably better, so if I were CBS, I'd replace Survivor with Project Redlight, while Swing House would be a great replacement for Big Brother, and I'm sure some cable channel would find Dumpster Dinner to be a great replacement for a cooking show.

• Foreign Family Affair
• Swing House
• Project Redlight
• Money

Hey Scoop,
Just a quick question. I have not had a chance to go see the updated version of "The Longest Yard", but after viewing countless clips and commercials, one question is nagging me. Did Courtney Cox get a breast enlargement? Not that there is anything wrong with that, but she appears to have gotten super sized. The dress she is wearing in the movie would not allow a wonder bra to be worn...it really looks like some plastic surgery has gone on here. I was just wondering if there were any caps out there to compare a before and after?

Thanks

Jr's guess...When they were filming, I think Courtney was about 6 or 7 months pregnant, so her extra boobiosity may just be motherhood related.

LIVE AID 2, SORT OF
There's Poverty Around The World?! - Today, "Live Aid" founder Sir Bob Geldolf will announce simultaneous concerts in London, Philadelphia and other cities on July 2. They'll be called "Live 8," to coincide with a G8 summit, and instead of raising money, they'll try to raise awareness of poverty around the world. The acts will include the biggest pop stars from the '60s to today, including the Rolling Stones, U2, Sting, Coldplay and Mariah Carey, and the Spice Girls will reunite for it.

If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!