"The Secret Cellar"

The Secret Cellar (2003) is a direct to video that IMDB has very sketchy information on. The think it is called Blood & Roses. They list only two cast members and no reviews, but have two user comments. This is a very low budget soft core horror film. It is too dark. Those are the last negative comments you will hear from me on this film. The first user comment is from the film's director, John Quin, who says, "I only had nine days to direct this film but I'm very please by the way it turned out. I had a terrific cast that played off of each other extremely well, plus a great crew and a really tight script. It's hard to balance eroticism and horror but I feel I was able to do a pretty good job with this one. Thanks to all who were involved and a special thanks to Kelley Cauthen and Michael Goi."

I would agree that he did a good job. We have four women in this film, and they all have several things in common. They all show everything, including gyno-cam shots, none of them have any credits at IMDB, none of them appear to be surgically enhanced, ad all of them deliver lines convincingly. As if this isn't enough, they spend so much time naked that I have had to break this into two nights. Tonight, we have Christina Baby and Ananda Saint James. James is in one sex scene, but it is outdoors in daylight, and long. Baby has two sex scenes, also both very long. Tomorrow night we will have Kennedy Johnston and Cecelia Simon, along with a plot summary (yes, there is actually enough plot to summarize).

This is one hell of an effort, especially given the time and budget constraints. The physical locations were good, the plot was better than many soft-core efforts, all of the players could deliver lines, The special effects were not terrible and the sex scenes sizzled. For God sake, somebody give this man a real budget and realistic schedule, and let's see what he can do with it. C+

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  • Ananda Saint James (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40)

  • Christina Baby (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    • Updated volumes: Theresa Russell, Kim Cattrall, Michelle von Flotow, Gabriella Hall





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    Citizen Kane is important because of the way the story is structured, the use of depth-of-field techniques unseen before in film, the use of lighting, the mise en scènes. It really is not the greatest film ever made, but one of the most influential in its techniques.

    The Graduate made more sense to the generation that first saw it, but it was a first in terms of showing a young person in modern society not wanting what society tells him he is supposed to want, and that our tunnel vision will not bring us happiness. Life is more complex than
    having a job lined up and meeting a nice girl.

    Nothing can forgive a person for saying that 2001: A Space Odyssey is a disappointment. It is only the greatest science fiction film ever
    created, and in my mind one of the top five greatest films period. It is THE film about the evolution of mankind, where we have been, where we are, and where we are going. It abstracts our ridiculous lives from the  “noise” of pointless pop culture, and presents human life in simple terms. We do because we want to learn more, to be more, to grow. Thinking machines, our Creation, will become like us to the point where they will be as capable of our mistakes as we are, becoming  indistinguishable from us, and just as much “people” as we are. We, in turn, will evolve into something we cannot fathom, something beyond what we currently understand.

    There is a saying, “There’s no accounting for taste.” That’s not true. There IS accounting for taste. It is a sign of unintelligence to not “get” these films.

    - C

    Scoop's notes:

    I'm kinda getting tired of the discussion. In yesterday's mail, I had about two dozen letters pointing out what a poor movie The Graduate is if one views it objectively. Today I had two more letter writers, this time pointing out how much they love The Graduate.

    If you look at how the Graduate has been perceived over the years, the attitudinal change has all been in the mass market. It used to be both a box office smash with strong appeal to the large youth audience, and a cult movie. It is still a cult movie: film buffs loved it then, film buffs love it now. On the other hand, the universal youth appeal is gone. The mass audiences of teenagers and young adults loved it then, honest, they really did. With today's young audiences, some people would like it, but it would be a tiny niche film, not a mass market film. I have learned never to recommend it to mass audience people who are looking for "something good to watch". I've already tried that three times, and gotten my ass kicked each time.

    1. My wife Elya is Russian. She is immune to the 50s-60s cultural biases which cause people to identify with the movie. She found the movie neither intelligent nor entertaining, but she did think Mrs Robinson was an interesting character, even if her attraction to Benjamin was inexplicable. Elya asked me about the film and I told her I thought it was excellent, but I didn't necessarily agree with AFI's selecting it among the top 10 American comedies. She said, "it's supposed to be a comedy?"

    2. My son and his friend put the movie in. I checked on them a half hour later, and they were watching a different movie. They said nothing to me. I didn't ask. He's in college. I thought he'd like it. Boy, was I wrong.

    3. My daughter didn't offer a "good" or "bad " on the quality, but she thought it was repulsive. She and her girlfriends identified with Katharine Ross, of course, so Benjamin reminds them of their creepy ex-boyfriend from hell who was obsessed with them and just wouldn't go away, an unpleasant experience common to most young women. It is not possible for any of them to understand why Elaine gave in to him.

    Obviously, our family's appreciation of this movie will die with me.

    Roger Ebert had another viewpoint. If I remember right, he said that if you look at it with fresh eyes, The Graduate is a lesser movie about a dorky guy who somehow, inexplicably, becomes the object of the sexual lust of the hottest babe in his town, and blows it all to marry her dorky daughter, thus assuring himself a dorky future. It would be fun to imagine what a sequel to The Graduate would be like. What happened to Benjamin and Elaine after that bus ride? Is he now thrice-divorced, alcoholic, hanging out in strip clubs, and the VP Marketing of a Plastics firm? It would make a great project for Dustin Hoffman.

    "Getting" a film has nothing to do with liking it, and neither getting it nor liking it have anything to do with whether it is good. The three are independent variables. I get Hell Comes to Frogtown, and I like it, but I'm not going to tell you that it is good. You can "get" 2001 and still think it is soporific and boring and/or pretentious, although it is quite difficult to argue that it isn't good.

    Nor do profound thoughts make a movie worthwhile.  I like 2001, and I think it is dazzling in many ways, so that one is not a good example. Let's use another, fairly similar movie: Solaris. I understand it fine, and I like what it has to say about learning to forgive oneself and others and to live at peace with the past. I've seen both versions and read Lem's novel. I believe that I understand all the subtleties. I just can't stay awake during it. Simple as that. Not everything which is profound is also good cinema. Some profundity belongs in essays, not in films. Similarly, Tuna "gets" American Beauty, he just doesn't much care for it, and I can relate to that, although I like that movie.

    As for Citizen Kane, it was never a mass audience movie, and pretty much everyone who watches Kane, having heard so much about it, is shocked by how completely lacking it is in watchability. (People didn't like it much in 1941 either - mainstream Hollywood viewed it as an unmarketable art film, and they proved to be right when the film lost money). It was and is an influential film but, like Birth of a Nation, it is an important film that just isn't enjoyed or even watched very much, except for film school class.




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Oz:

    Patricia Clarkson is topless but unfortunately not much is really visible in Wendigo.

    • Patricia Clarkson (1, 2)

    Thuy Ann Luu is a topless dancer in Saigon and Look Nam is a prostitute.

    "Ghostbusters 2"
    Sigourney Weaver has her top off in Ghostbusters 2 but all we see is a lace bra.

    "The Return of the Pink Panther"
    Some sexy views of Catherine Schell in The Return of the Pink Panther.

    • Catherine Schell (1, 2, 3, 4)

    "Fashion TV"
    Another set of caps from Fashion TV, this time Carolina Ardohain gets down to her underwear to sell a watch.

    • Carolina Ardohain (1, 2)

    "Warlock III : The End of Innocence"
    The nudity in Warlock III : The End of Innocence comes from former Heffer (July '96) Angel Boris, and these views have appeared before. Ashley Laurence and Boti Ann Bliss also look good.

    "Rescue Me"
    Some topless views of Maria Zorba in Rescue Me.

    • Maria Zorba (1, 2, 3)

    "Just Shoot Me"
    Some gold pokies by Wendie Malick in an episode of the TV show Just Shoot Me.

    • Wendie Malick (1, 2)

    "On the Edge"
    Karen Sillas and Joey Lauren Adams are topless in On the Edge and Andie MacDowell gets all wet and semi-see-thru.

    "Such is Life"
    Some full nudity by Francesca Guillién in Such is Life.

    • Francesca Guillién (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Brief topless views of Faye Dunaway in Chinatown.

    • Faye Dunaway (1, 2)

    Salma Hayek
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    The Latina mega-babe looking absolutely gorgeous nude in scenes from the multi-Oscar nominated (and two-time winner), "Frida". Fantastic collages by ZonononZor.

    Michelle Bauer
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

    Tantala Ray
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    Señor Skin takes another look at the 1989 Grade C movie, "Assault of the Party Nerds". Both ladies are topless.