The Dukes of Hazzard (unrated 2005)
I don't really want to be cast in the role of the guy
who defends The Dukes of Hazzard against the critics. Lord knows, I
don't think this is the best possible use of celluloid. Like many a
critic, I'd rather be watching Henry V. But let's be honest here for a
minute, shall we? It just ain't as bad as advertised, and the unrated
version is pretty sexy. C'mon. This film took in $80 million at the
box office, so even the PG-13 version entertained a whole lot of
people, and the unrated DVD adds a lot of attractive naked flesh!
There are pretty topless girls in the unrated version of the film.
Then there are more pretty topless girls in the unrated deleted
scenes, and the nudity is not restricted to the anonymous co-eds, but
includes the two main love interests - the Hazzard county girl who
went to college in Atlanta and her Australian friend. Finally, there
is even more nudity and a whole passel of raunchy goings-on in the
So let me just say that
I had absolutely no problem getting through the film on DVD, and I
also watched the special features. The film itself includes too many
car chases and they go on too long. That would have been a problem in
the theaters, but any future viewings will be at
home in front of your TV, so the fast forward button will take care of
that problem just fine. I did that more than once, I admit, but given that
occasional cheat, I kind of enjoyed this flick. When the characters
aren't driving, the comic pacing is brisk and the action is reasonably
charming in a goofy way - exactly like an extended episode of the TV
sure, I know it's not the kind of film that will stay with you, or the
kind that you'll bring up when you and your buddies have had a few
beers and open the floor to a "best comedy" discussion. It's a dumb,
schlocky movie made from a dumb, schlocky TV series which wasn't any
good to begin with.
But, to be fair, it is decent
popcorn entertainment for those times when you just don't want to tax
your brain, and the unrated version provides some downright tolerable guilty pleasures
if you keep your thumb near the fast-forward button.
Nikki Griffin is the chick who plays Jess on the
O.C., so her deleted topless scenes may be especially enjoyable.
Jacqui Maxwell is a beautiful woman, but I'm not familiar with her.
I'm sure you know who Jessica Simpson is. She worked out like mad to
play this part, and it shows. Her body was rock hard, and her leg
muscles were rippling. She looked great in the bikini and in the
"Daisy Dukes." The co-eds were also cute, and that blond in collage #1
was drop dead gorgeous.
A new Ocean is forming in Africa.
- As Drudge would say ... "breaking ... "
- Check back with this column in 900,000 years for additional
'Brokeback Mountain' tops L.A. crix picks
- This is the first pre-Oscar indicator.
- Other winners:
- Best Actor - Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote
- Best Actress - Vera Farmiga in Down to the Bone
- Supporting Actor - Bill Hurt in A History of Violence
- Supporting Actress - Catherine Keener in four different
- Best Screenplay - Capote and The Squid and the Whale
- Best Director- Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain
- Best Cinematography - Good Night and Good Luck
OOPS! I guess the Longhorns can forget about winning the
championship in all three major sports.
- They started the season 8-0, and were #2, but #1 Duke showed
them that they are nowhere near ready for prime time. For a while
there it looked as though Redick would outscore Texas on his own.
He had 16 when Texas had 19!
MPAA gives film about itself an NC-17!!
- 'This Film is Not Yet Rated' Investigates Hollywood's
Best-kept Secret: the MPAA Film Ratings System and its Impact on
- I assume the film is highly critical of the MPAA, and they
don't want people to see it. (The NC-17 will prevent wide
- Of course I don't know anything about the movie, but ... well,
you don't need to be Plato to figure out this syllogism. (1) All
true statements about the MPAA must be negative (2) It's a
documentary about the MPAA (3) Ergo ...
Mets sign a two-year multi-million deal with 47-year-old Julio
- He will be the only major leaguer with a Depends allowance in
his contract, but that is offset by the fact that he gets a lower
road trip allowance for food and entertainment because of his
senior discounts at cinemas and early bird buffets.
- In the Mets' defense (and this marks the only time "Mets" and
"defense" have ever been mentioned in the same sentence without
the word "bad"), Franco hit .275 last season with nine homers and
42 RBI in 233 at-bats for the Braves - that's equivalent to 22
homers and 104 rbi in a 575 at-bat season. So the old fella can
still hit. On the other hand, I can't help but think he sould be
DHing and pinch hitting in the AL, where old geezers don't have to
bend over to field grounders and dig out low throws. Just sayin'.
Dateline Hollywood : THE YEAR IN FILM
Bush wins the Heisman, thanks Cheney for his help.
Dateline Hollywood : THE YEAR IN THE 'WOOD
Dateline Hollywood : THE YEAR IN THE INDUSTRY
Dateline Hollywood : THE YEAR IN TELEVISION
Dateline Hollywood : THE YEAR IN CELEBRITIES
The North American trailer for
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, directed by Tommy Lee
Jones. Sounds like a Peckinpah film.
Five clips from Woody Allen's Match Point
The trailer for Imagine Me and You
- "Imagine Me & You" is the story of a girl who falls in love on
her wedding day...but not with the man of honor. Heck (Matthew
Goode) and Rachel (Piper Perabo) are a happy young couple about to
embark on life together. But at the church, Rachel catches the eye
of an unexpected guest. In that moment, she realizes that maybe
Heck isn't the one for her. Of course, they will never know for
sure unless they give it a shot. What follows is the romantic,
humorous and sometimes poignant journey familiar to anyone who's
ever been lucky (or unlucky) enough to be under love's spell.
A Scene From Kurt Wimmer's Ultraviolet, starring Milla.
"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan let us know that piracy
supports terrorism. Let's terminate it!"
- This 30 second clip cost nearly $200,000. Your 'Moment of Zen'
from the Daily Show.
Former Sen. Eugene McCarthy is dead at 89
- This is not going to be a very good obit, but this is one
celebrity that I actually met and talked with for hours, so I have
an anecdote, for good or bad.
- I once attended a small dinner party in Gables by the Sea,
around 1973 or so, and McCarthy was there. Before that dinner,
McCarthy had been a hero of mine for his principled stand against
Vietnam. He was basically the man who drove LBJ from the White
House, after all. He was an honest and principled man whose
education was so refined that he could quote from Buddha and
Clausewitz in the same breath.
- Unfortunately, I had enough to drink at dinner that I felt
like goofing on him, so I nudged my friend and stood up to offer a
toast. I started in on effusive praise for the great job Senator
McCarthy had done in Washington, and how much he had meant to the
country with his principled stands against the status quo ...
yadda, yadda ... generic stuff ... until I got to the part about
how he had been so effective in getting those Communists out of
the government! I kept a straight face, and did my best Fred
Willard impersonation, as if I were truly clueless. There were
about 20 people at the table, about four of whom (the ones who
knew me) fell out of their chairs laughing, while the rest sat in
silence, confused, embarrassed, and unwilling to laugh because
they didn't know if the others were laughing at my stupidity, or
were acknowledging my put-on. They waited for McCarthy's reaction.
McCarthy never realized I was kidding. He gently pointed out
that although his name was Eugene Joseph McCarthy, he was not
known as Joe, and that I had him confused with a different
senator. My friend and his sister fell out of their chairs
laughing, which McCarthy showed no signs of understanding - he
apparently thought his witty "middle name" response had
electrified the room - but I politely thanked him for clearing up
my confusion and went into another conversation with someone else,
because I didn't think I could keep a straight face any more, and
I didn't want our host to get upset with me. I went back to
McCarthy's circle a few more times during the night, and McCarthy
continued to prattle on for hours about the failure of government
processes, in conversation so tedious that the number of people
talking to him dwindled to one, and even our host could no longer
pretend convincingly to be interested!
Comedian Richard Pryor dies at 65.
- He will be missed. One of the greatest stand-ups of all time.
But how the hell did he ever make it to 65? That alone is
A map of the world drawn by the size of the population. Canada
gets quite a bit smaller!
Headline of the day:
"Clinton wants more women"
Claim: Photographs show a pen-sized personal computer system.
The largest nuclear bomb ever detonated
It is illegal to fling a dead possum in New Zealand?
- Jeez, if that were illegal here, ever single Texan would be in
- And how would we celebrate Christmas? Are you telling me we
would have to throw dead raccoons and armadillos instead? Does
tradition mean nothing to these anti-Christmas warriors?
Narnia opens even bigger than expected.
- It pulled in $24 million Friday, and appears to be on track to
do far more than the 50-55 range predicted by industry
prognosticators. It took in far more than the rest of the Top 10
combined, and its gross was six times that of the second place
- I realize that I'm stretching to find a record here, but I
believe it is the highest December Friday in history. (Return of
the King opened on a Wednesday.)
- Although far behind Narnia, Syriana did fairly well, taking
the #2 spot from Harry Potter
What will Howard Stern do when he escapes to satellite, free from
Lone Star Times - Merry Christmas, Texas!
"KANSAS PROF BEATEN BY MYSTERY NASCAR RACERS", and other news
Zarqawi's blog: I'm Surrounded By Idiots (Satire from Iowahawk)
Monday Night Football's Lisa Guerrero to expose her big uns in
upcoming Playboy, preview pics already on usenet
Raunchy 'South Park' Virgin Mary Episode Angers Catholics
Bad news. The Playmobil - Security Check Point is sold out.
Oops, man opens $500,000 bar in a dry county
Director Steven Soderbergh will make his next film 'Guerilla', a
biopic about Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara that will star Benjamin
Conan takes a tour of FAO Schwarz
Conan looks at foreign holidays
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Country Hooker (1970) is a soft core drama from Harry Novak. Two musicians on their way to Canoga Park (an LA suburb) stop to pick up two hitchhikers (Rene Bond and Sandy Dempsey), have sex with them, then get stuck when someone steals their distributor cap. Fortunately, they and the girls are all headed to the same bar, and they are able to get the girl's car running. Meanwhile, the current band leader at the Canoga Park shit kicker bar negotiates another week, and permission for his hookers to work the bar, as the boys are late. Dempsey and Bond, of course, are his girls, and were sent to delay them. While Bond and Dempsey are hookers with hearts of gold, the pimp/band leader is a nasty sort, known for roughing up his girls.
Bond falls in love with one of our heroes, Dempsey with the other. When Dempsey trues to quit, the pimp does her in. Our heros, however, finally catch on to what is happening and have him arrested.
Rene Bond, Sandy Dempsey, and Maria Arnoff as another hooker show everything. There are not enough votes at IMDb to be meaningful. This is a trite story with poor acting, but does have nice nudity, including post enhancement Rene Bond, which earns it a C-.
"The Lust Connection"
The Lust Connection (2005 Video) is a whodunnit staring Glori-Anne Gilbert as a murdered blonde wife, and as her brunette twin sister. Oooops, I probably should have labeled that first sentence a spoiler. At any rate, Glori-Anne is murdered in a hot tub, and her rich husband is the prime suspect, at least to the dim-whited police. It comes out that hubby has been cheating with all of the local women on the Internet with aftermarket boobs, and we get to relive those experiences with him while he tries to figure out the killer's identity.
A lot of women show everything here, in what is otherwise a pedestrian story full of ho-hum simulated sex. Tonight, Glori-Anne Gilbert. Tomorrow, the rest of the women.
Today's contribution takes us to the Apennine
Peninsula where three actresses will shed their clothes for our viewing
First we have Laura Gemser. I know Laura is
actually Indonesian, but since Italy is her home for more than 30 years now,
there is no need to be picky. Here in Voglia di Guardare (1986) we can see
her strut her stuff in a lesbian romp while another actress watches and
seems to get hotter and hotter. Laura gives up all three B's in 5 clips from
this slightly out of focus film.
- Laura Gemser
Secondly Ornella Muti is naked in Romanzo
popolare (literally popular novel; 1974; English title:Come Home and Meet My
Wife) but mostly only her breasts are visible except at 36 seconds into the clip,
where she allows us a glimpse at her pubes. Don't blink or you'll miss it!
Thirdly Ugo Tognazzi, the guy who burst into
Ornella's bedroom in the previous clip, is now having a conversation with
Dalila Di Lazzaro in 1978's Il Gatto (The Cat). Dalila is naked but you only
get to see her breasts and buns. Maybe with lots of good will her
pubes could briefly be visible at the very end of clip 2. But as I said, you
need lots of good will.
'Caps and comments by Spaz:
"The Best of Bizarre" volumes 1 and 2
Bizarre is a 1980s sketch comedy cable series hosted by my personal favorite John Byner. Shot for Showtime it had lots of topless nudity. But the syndicated version shown in Canada (and reruns) had bleeped dialogue and no nudity. When a nude scene did come up it was shown from the actress' back so you don't see her breasts.
The Showtime episodes were thought to be lost forever but they are finally being released on DVD. Lots of nudity from the bit actresses but there are no onscreen credits so only a few of them can be identified. Regular female players such as Luba Goy and Nonnie Griffin kept their tops on.
Of the identified ladies, here's what we see in this DVD set:
Julie McLeod: eventually topless in the well-worn formula of having a conversation by ripping off a dozen or so t-shirts.
Astrid Brandt: aka Astrid Hildebrandt aka Astrid Falconi, looking sexy as blow-up inflatable cheerleader.
Luba Goy: cleavage as Jewish Princess daughter in the infamous Bigots Family sketch.
Nonnie Griffin: tight t-shirt pokies.
Jennifer Dale: very nice toplessness forgetting to hold up towel.
Carrie Leigh: future hefmag hefmate and heffer mistress topless while getting her breasts examined to see whether she needs a brassiere.
You can also catch comedy legends Billy Van, Billy Barty, Dave Thomas, Pat Morita, Dave Broadfoot, and the accident prone daredevil Super Dave Osborne. The two volumes contain ten episodes each for whopping eight hours of playtime. There is no word on any upcoming volumes although this is a very good start.