Here on Earth is
a teen romance that is sort of a cross between
Pretty in Pink, and Love Story. A rich preppy
takes a joyride into the neighboring town, picks
a fight with the locals, and ends up in a car
chase and wreck which burns up a gas station and
the local dinner. The judge sentences him and the
local driving the other car to work for free all
summer with the crew that is rebuilding the
dinner and gas station.
Leelee Sobieski is the daughter of the
restaurant owner, long-time girlfriend of the
local, and is instantly attracted to the preppy.
The plot is trite and predictable, and the
dialogue is not much better. The preppy matures,
and Leelee falls for him. Without writing a
spoiler, the film has a tragic ending. The
purpose is to let teenage girls in the audience
cry, and it probably does that. Leelee keeps her
clothes on in this one, although she does show a
lot of cleavage here and there. She does have
good chemistry with co-star Chris Klein. I would
not have bothered with this one except for two
things. The art direction and DVD transfer are
very nice, and produced some great images, and it
is Leelee Sobieski. Leelee has incredible
charisma again in this one, and shows great
acting range, especially considering the weak
material she had to work with. She lit up the
screen in Eyes Wide Shut, and does it again here.
I look forward to her landing a great role. I
find her incredibly appealing. As she has three
films in post production at the moment, it looks
like we will be seeing a lot of her.
Leelee Sobiesky (1,
Female Vampire was directed by Jess Franco
(whom IMDB refers to as Jesus Franco), and
released in several versions. There was an 81
minute general release with no nudity, a 91
minute with some nudity and less occult content,
and the 101 minute directors cut, which is the
one I watched. It has 30 minutes of explicit soft
core footage cut from the released version. Think
about that ... 30 minutes times 60 seconds times
60 frames a second equals 10,800 explicit frames,
and I only used 44 of them. Who says I don't show
restraint in the number of images I do? Countess
Irina Karlstein, played by Franco favorite Lina
Romay, has inherited her Vampireness because of a
family curse. The film shows a succession of her
human meals, both male and female, interspersed
with men talking about the local murders. Lina is
special, however ... she is not into biting
necks. She prefers oral sex for both pleasure and
food. Franco came up with a perfect solution for
the fact that Lina can't act or deliver dialogue.
He made her a mute, and keeps her naked or in a
see-through white dress for the entire film so
you wouldn't notice her acting. I am sure this
also helped with the low budget, and made dubbing
into English easier.
So, with nearly no plot and no acting, does
this film have anything going for it? Yes, three
things. First, the art direction and photography
is good. Second, the score, written by Franco, is
very nice. Third, it has a huge dose of the three
Bs -- boobs, buns and bush. Yes, that's right
folks, the nudity drought ends here. I feel this
film is worth watching in the directors cut, but
then I have come to appreciate EuroShock Cinema.
Without the soft-core content and the abundant
nudity, I wouldn't call it worth seeing. The DVD
also includes the alternate scenes that make it
an R film. In these, Lina does bite necks, and
also gets a little bloody when she eats.
Anna Matican (1,
Lina Romay (1,
(1976), from Johnny Web and TomCat
movie was a highly awarded and much discussed
black comedy from Paddy Cheyevsky, featuring a
famous catch phrase. "I'm mad as hell, and
I'm not gonna take it any more"
If you like very literate, very witty
speeches, then this is your movie. Its weakness
is that the characters don't really talk to one
another, they orate profoundly, quite unlike real
people. So its like going to a very literate
stage play from another epoch. I liked it, but I
can forgive stagy films if they are deeply
cynical, and this one is. We reviewed it before.
Check the back issues.
Faye Dunaway (1, 2)
(1983), from Johnny Web and TomCat
Have also discussed this one in the back
issues. If the road to hell is paved with good
intentions, then this movie must be playing at a
roadside drive-in on Route 666. It's an earlier
variation of "The Insider" theme, about
real-life corporate whistle blower Karen
Silkwood, who tried to rat out a nuclear power
plant. Despite that promising premise and a real
ending stranger than any fiction, this movie is
duller than dishwater and really gets bogged down
in her boring trailer park life. I've always been
amazed that they felt it necessary to use
Streep's horsepower for this role, which really
offered her no challenge at all.
We can thank the filmmakers, however, for a
rare look at a Streep nipple.
This is like a bad sitcom, except without the
humor. Imagine if the "Friends" cast
were replaced by six similar strangers with no
sense of humor, and you'd get this dreary
comedy-drama about some women who go to Palm
Springs for a swingin' weekend, and how their
drunken revelry there reflects back on and
changes their real lives back home.
Another one of those "Diner" movies
where everyone gabs endlessly about how difficult
relationships are, only this time treating the
women's point of view in parallel.
Features Brooke Shields and others. Trite.
OK, I admit I rented it because it said
"nudity", and it starred Virginia
Madsen and Brooke Shields. Of course, as I should
have known, the only nudity came from a
nearly-anonymous lap dancer that the boys visit
while the girls are in the desert.
Ah, the classics. Reserve a spot on your
shelves next to "Grand Illusion" for
this story of the girls who get rejected from the
snooty sorority, then fix up an old dump and form
their own unofficial "house" called
H.O.T.S., where they have relaxed fun and good
They get plenty of revenge on the small-minded
dean and the snooty sorority. The film ends with
a game of strip football against the snooty
If the plot sounds like somebody pitched this
as "female Animal House meets
M.A.S.H.", well why not? If you're going to
rip someone off, rip off the best in your genre.
It's a classic in its own youthploitation
fashion. And there's no shortage of nudity in
this flick. Some interesting and diverse women,
probably nobody you ever heard of, get naked
while playing football, skydiving, playing catch
with seals, getting spied on, getting attacked by
pies thrown from helicopters, etc. Good mindless
r-rated fun, and even a minor role for Danny
Angela Aames (1, 2)
Lindsay Bloom (1, 2, 3) Susan
2, 3, 4) Lisa London
Johnson K.C. Winkler (1, 2, 3, 4)
Various group shots (1, 2, 3, 4)
Prentis, full frontal nudity from
|WhyScan's Page Three
|If Page Three is unfamiliar to
link describes the Page Three tradition.
|Today's Page 3 girl....Karen, 20,
from Guilford. (1, 2, 3, 4)
More coverage of the Teen Choice Awards. Nice to
see today's youth take so much pride in their
Keri Russell (1,
Jessica Simpson (1,
Sarah Michelle Gellar (1, 2, 3)
Katherine Heigl (1,
||Vidcaps from "Darling Lili"
||Topless 'caps from "The Hard Truth"
||Topless 'caps from "Career Girls"
||Joan or is it a body double? Vidcaps from
||Very nice topless 'caps from the movie
||In "The Sea Wolves"
||'Caps from "Countess Dracula"
||From "Illusions". As a
kid, I watched Emma on "General
Hospital", "Dynasty" etc. and ever
since then, I have wanted to see her do some nude
scenes. This, however is about the best I've
seen. Here is Emma showering behind a curtain.
Excellent shapes, but no details.
||In "Midnight Blue".
||Topless, but hiding the goods in these 'caps
from 1968's "The Desperados".
|Some of the world's top models
all in one place! Here are 3 of Gisele.
Unfortunately, no goodies in any of these, but
she still looks great in a bikini.
|Maria Grazia Cuccinotta
|#1 features some very nice
||Mystery babe from a ad for sunglasses
||Lookin' great as always.
||Very nice B&W head shot.
||With a dress cut this low you would hope to
see something, but not in this case.
||From Arena magazine. Very elegant pose.
|The Funnies by Number 6
|Best excuses if you get caught
sleeping in your cubicle:
okay...I'm still billing the client."
2. "They told me at the blood bank this
3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like
they raved about in the last time management
course you sent me to."
4. "I was working smarter, not harder."
5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the
6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on
the mission statement and envisioning a new
7. "This is one of the seven habits of
highly effective people!"
8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool
9. "I'm in the management training
10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level
Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at
the last mandatory seminar you made me
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours
last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga
exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory towards people who practice
13. "The coffee machine is broke...."
14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong
15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last
night just won't wear off!"
16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't
17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting.
Next, I watch the Walton's."
18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable
circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick
up my contact lenses without using my
20. "I thought you [boss] were gone for the
This and that
Why did God create woman?
-To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the
bird of true love?
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Why do women fake orgasms?
-Because they think men care.
What is the definition of "making
-Something a woman does while a guy is fucking
What should you do if your girlfriend starts
-Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between oral sex and
-Oral sex makes your day, and anal sex makes your
How many sexists does it take to change a
-None; let the bitch cook in the dark.
Why does the bride always wear white?
-Because it is good for the dishwasher to match
the stove and refrigerator..
What do you say to a woman with two black
-Nothing; she's been told twice already.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None. It should be opened by the time she brings
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen
to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
-Made her chain too long.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
What is the difference between a battery and a
-A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of
1)Telegraph 2)Telephone 3)Telawoman
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
-Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more
than once and they eat what they shoot.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
-They're both fun to ride, until your friends
How is a woman like a condom?
-Both of them spend more time in your wallet than
on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has
-A man to show her how to work it.
How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage
-They both begin with lot of blowing and sucking,
and in the end you lose your house.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the
-She knows she's given her last blow job.
What's the difference between a bitch and a
-A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, and a
bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except
What's the difference between your wife and
-After 10 years the job still sucks.
What's the difference between love, true love,
and showing off?
-Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Why is the space between a women's breasts and
her hips called a waist?
-Because you could easily fit another pair of
tits in there.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
-When you take it off, you wonder where her tits
How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
-Put a nipple on it.
What kind of watch should a man buy his wife?
-None; there is a clock on the stove.
How are women like dog turds?
-The older they are, the easier they are to pick
Why do women get those little lines (crows
feet) around their eyes? (squint when answering)
-From saying, "You want me to suck
Why did cavemen drag their wives by the hair?
-If you drag them by their feet,they fill up with
What's the difference between spit and
-Sixty pounds of pressure on the back of her
If your dog is barking at the back door, and
your wife/girlfriend is yelling for you to let
her in the front door, which do you let in first?
-Your dog; at least he will shut up when you let