"Secret Admirer"

Secret Admirer (1985) is one of a plethora of kids are smarted than adults films that came out around that time. The group includes Sixteen Candles and Breakfast Club. A High School boy (C. Thomas Howell) has a crush on the home coming queen (Kelly Preston), his best friend since childhood, a brainy and less flashy but very attractive Lori Loughlin has a crush on him. Lori writes an anonymous love letter, which he thinks is from Preston. When he writes one back, Lori becomes sort of a Cyrano, rewriting his letter, and winning the heart of Preston. Preston decides to give him her virginity as a birthday present, and tells the entire school. The party is to be at Loughlin's house.

Meanwhile, the original letter causes no end of trouble, and has Preston's parents, and Howell's parents nearly swapping partners. That is enough of the plot to give you the idea. Preston shows her breasts parking in a car, and again in bed with Howell. IMDB readers have it at 5.7 of 10. I enjoyed the film the first time I saw it, but it was not the sort of comedy that you could watch over and over again. Once you know the plot twists, there is very little humor left. C.

  • Thumbnails

  • Kelly Preston (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

    "The Woman in Red"

    The Woman in Red (1984) was a bad film I too could not resist because of Kelly LeBrock. Gene WIlder can be hilarious in front of the camera, and should have stayed there. Considering that he wrote and directed, you would think he could have given himself some funny material. What the film did have was great visuals. Some of the scenics in San Francisco were wonderful, and, like the dance in Singing in the Rain, the sight of the red dress blowing up over the ventilation duct is a cinema classic.

    All of the particulars were in last night's edition. No argument from me, Film, C-, Kelly LeBrock, A+.

  • Thumbnails

  • Kelly LeBrock (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    catching up on info pages

    In the Time of the Butterflies. Images in Friday's edition

    Treading Water. Images in Friday's edition

    The Sleeping Dictionary is the "Jessica of the Jungle" movie. Images in Friday's edition.

    There's no female nudity in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. (There is male nudity). It is a movie based on the autobiography of a very famous manic-depressive with a notoriously weird sense of humor (game show guru, Chuck Barris). It is maniacally funny, and depressively tragic. First-time director George Clooney, my hat is off to you if you read this. You were really paying attention to Soderbergh. You managed the atmosphere as well as you managed the camera work. I was laughing out loud, and then I was almost in tears. Helluva good first movie, big fella.

    Barris claims that he was a game show host by day, CIA assassin by night. As the director, Clooney made one move that was sheer genius. He just let Barris tell his own story without trying to refute it or criticize it, showing him skulking around Europe, gunning down spies and moles. If Clooney knew of any contradictory evidence, he didn't present it. By doing it that way, Clooney was able to use the story to articulate this point: "If this is true, how weird is that! And if this isn't true, how sad is it that Barris really believes it?"

    movies with pictures:

    Watchtower (aka Cruel and Unusual) is supposed to be a erotic version of a Hitchcockian suspense yarn, but it just plain stinks as eroticism. The starring woman is not really very attractive, and the sex scenes are dark. The mandatory bimbo victim chick, while gorgeous, is only seen briefly in a steamed-up shower. Tom Berenger, once a hunky guy and a pretty big star,  is now really too old and fat for nude scenes. In fact, he quite literally had larger breasts than his co-star. As a suspense yarn, well, there isn't all that much suspense. They show us that Berenger is a killer in the first two scenes, then they place him in the lighthouse. Will he kill his lighthouse partner, or the guy's sister or both, or will his love for the sister reform him? We are suppose to care. It's sometimes creepy, but way too goddamned slow. The only really good thing was the double-twist ending, but you expect that in this kind of film, and it was not an especially original ending, although I liked the ending-after-the-ending. Thankfully, there was no evil twin.


    Bleed, our first movie with a 2003 date, is a rather dumb grade-b erotic thriller, which I'm about to spoil for you. After taking a new job, a disturbed girl (Debbie Rochon) goes to a pool party in her new town. The people there get wasted and fuck with her head. They tell her how they are all members of the "murder club". She's just close enough to the edge that she kills a woman in a violent catfight over a dent in her car, and therefore lays claim to admission to the club. Then she overhears the other "members" discussing the fact that they were just kidding, and she is hacked off!

    The other people at the party know there is a new serial killer in town whose arrival coincides with Rochon's, and that the masked killer's last murder created the job vacancy that Rochon is filling. That seems pretty darned suspicious, so they think she must be the one who is killing everyone, a theory which seems even more logical when everyone at the party starts getting killed after they piss her off.

    Every single clue points to Rochon . (1) she's a known, admitted killer (2) by killing the first victim, she got the important job (3) she is mad at everyone at the pool party (4) she has nightmares in which she sees the crimes being committed

    Well, of course, since every clue pointed to her, she didn't do it. It was done by some crazy guy who kills just for fun, and everything pointing to her was a coincidence.

    OK, here's my problem. I'll buy the other clues being a coincidence, but they never explained the dreams. How the hell could she dream the exact circumstances and faces of the victims, who were in some cases people she didn't even know. Hmmmmmm. Pretty lame.

    Julie Strain, who provided most of the female nudity, doesn't actually belong in the movie at all. She is killed in the opening credits. She is supposed to be the girlfriend of the first guy who was killed. The film starts with his death in the street, then her death at home. Forget about the fact that Julie is old enough to be the guy's mother, her scene simply didn't belong there. The film works much better if the guy dies, then Rochon is seen applying for his job. Plus if Rochon is the killer, there is no reason to go to the guy's house and kill his girlfriend. She's from out of town, and he doesn't even know who the girlfriend is.

    I'll tell you what must have happened. They realized the film was light on female nudity (plenty of male), so they called up Big Jewel and said, "we need you, gal". Then they filmed a scene with Julie just standing around by herself, topless, for about two minutes. And that is literally true. No other cast members appeared - she was talking to an unheard voice on the phone, then was killed by a masked, robed figure. I assume the other cast members had all gone on to other jobs by that time.


    Other crap:


    • from Spaz: "My suspicions were  correct. Kaye Penaflore is the Filipino virtual reality  girl on the left in Jason X. She is a  reporter/producer for a Canadian Filipino show Flip! at . She even mentions the movie on her bio
    • Hey Scoops! Does anybody know where the Howard Stern show can be viewed BEFORE it goes out on the E! Network?  That network is so lame. Why even carry the show if you're gonna blur out the good parts??? Gentleman George
      • Scoop's note: I don't know. Can anybody clue us in.
    • From "E" (that's his nickname, not the network) . I wanted to start a list of movies from 2002 that SHOULD have had  nudity. Some of these were pretty close, but were just begging to go all the way and show some serious skin. Since I usually wait until movies are released on video, and I'm  behind in my rentals, I don't have too many of these, but I thought  I'd put it up and see if anyone has anything to add. Here's a start, then, in no particular order:

    1. Scorpion King - come on, Kelly Hu in that sexy outfit and ALMOST  showing it, she's not shy from her magazine pics

    2. Spiderman - Two Words - Kristen Dunst

    3. Time Machine - savages? a natural.

    4. The New Kid - Let's face it, anything with Eliza Dushku

    5. Clockstoppers - cute girl

    6. Queen of the Damned - Wouldn't Naked Queen of the Damned sound  better?

    7. Crossroads - two reasons I wish they had a nude scene here, can you guess what they are?

    8. Resident Evil - not the Peek-a-boo, find the nudity kind, but the real  thing

    9. Black Knight - why not

    10. Soul Survivors/13 Ghosts - not spirit nudity - what's better than scary flicks and naked chicks?




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    "Diamonds Are Forever" was the penultimate Bond movie with Sean Connery playing Bond, James Bond. A kick-ass movie, beautifully transferred onto DVD. Lots of extras, including a couple of interesting deleted scenes that add no new exposure.

    Two babes worthy of note: Lana Wood as Plenty O'Toole and Jill St. John as Tiffany Case. We get to see Jill in lingerie and in a pretty skimpy bikini. Lana is in a dress cut down to her belly button and then in undies only, but with hands and arms covering up the goodies (it took both hands AND both arms to cover up her goodies).

    Once upon a time I thought you could see Jill's nips through her nightie, but now I am pretty sure there is something other than lace betwixt her and us. And I figured if I went frame by frame through Lana's bedroom scene I could pull out some exposure, but noooooo. They were both beautiful women, however.

    • Jill St. John (1, 2)
    • Lana Wood (1, 2)

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Today we go back to 1982 for a look at "Basket Case" a horror movie gorefest that many consider a cult classic. While I love horror movies, this never was really my cup of tea, but it did offer Terri Susan Smith showing us some skin. We see Susan having her boobs fondled while still clothed and then in a dream scene by the almost normal half of the separated Siamese twins (he shows full frontal nudity). Then the other twin who is just a head, who is carried around in a basket fondles and kills Susan. You either love or hate this movie.

    In the clean up the hard drive category here's Bebe Neuwirth in "Summer of Sam" looking somewhat different than she ever did as Lilith on "Cheers".

    • Bebe Neuwirth (1, 2, 3)

    'Caps and comments by Oz;

    Pirelli Calendar 2003
    The link to the Pirelli Calendar 2003 was in the FH a few days ago. They also produced a 'making of' documentary about the calendar. It wasn't well produced. They even put it on TV without bothering to change the aspect ratio, making the models look even taller. Some sort of topless nudity by Jessica Miller, Sienna Rose Miller and Maria Carla Boscono.

    Glamour, sometimes very sexy, by Alessandra Ambrosio, Heidi Klum, Filippa Hamilton, Natalia Vodianova, Isabeli Fontana, Lisa Seiffert, Yamila Diaz-Rahi, Karoline Kurkova and Sophie Dahl.

    "The Taking of Beverly Hills."
    Also in the FH a few days ago was a comment about how little nudity Harley Jane Kozak had done. These caps are no different, but she does look good in The Taking of Beverly Hills.

    A Tia Carrere mini-gallery
    Another actress who has done a lot of teasing with very little showing is Tia Carrere.

    Plenty of nudity in 1900, and it needs an unrated DVD version done. Frontal nudity by Dominique Sanda and Stefania Casini, although I've seen more explicit nudity by Stefania in stills from this movie.

    • Dominique Sanda (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    • Stefania Casini (1, 2, 3)

    "Vroom, Vroom, Vroom"
    Vroom, Vroom, Vroom is an episode of Erotic Tales. The story is about a motor bike that changes into a girl when taken out at night by the male owner. It was actually better than it sounds. You see the unnamed motor-bike/girl after she has changed.

    "What Women Want"
    What Women Want, as if that can be solved, has no nudity. There is good cleavage shown by Helen Hunt and a sexy shot of Ashley Johnson as she gets felt up.

    "Girls Just Want to Have Fun"
    A Fame clone is Girls Just Want to Have Fun, with Sarah Jessica Parker being the dancer. We briefly see her in her underwear and the briefest of upskirt by Helen Hunt.

    "Who's That Knocking At My Door"
    Plenty of black and white nudity in Who's That Knocking At My Door, we just don't know who the actresses are.

    "Son of the Beach"
    Son of the Beach was a Baywatch send up. The humour was variable but it is pokie heaven. The following caps are from one episode. Enjoy Jaime Bergman (former PMOM), Kim Oja, Leila Arcieri and Rachel York.

    From the Mail Bag

    I'm a long time Funhouse reader and was just as disheartened as "Gentleman George" to find out what Marvel Comics was doing with the Rawhide Kid. Just to give you an idea with what Marvel is planning to do with the character, I've attached pictures of the covers of the first two issues (downloaded from

    -D. Slack