"Total Recall"

Paul Verhoeven's Total Recall (1990) is, I am sure, familiar to all of you. On the off chance that it isn't, The Governator has been given a new set of memories to prevent him from seeking revenge on the corrupt officials who nearly cost him his life on mars by exposing his cover. After a visit to a virtual reality center that can create a temporary set of memories, his real memories begin to return. Arnold does what Arnold is good at -- he gets mad and gets even.

Sharon Stone has been hired to pretend to be his wife so she can keep an eye on him in case his memory returns. The exposure is from a scene with the two of them in bed early in the film.

Although I am not an Arnold fan (either the actor or the politician), this is a great vehicle for him, as it is mostly action, and the special effects alone are worth the price of admission. The DVD transfer is a so so letterbox, and is devoid of special features. IMDb readers have this at 7.2 of 10. It was nominated by the Academy for Effects and Sound. No acting awards or nominations anywhere. Ebert, three stars, Berardinelli, 2 1/2, Tuna C.

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  • Sharon Stone (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

    "I Wish You Would"

    I Wish You Would (Unknown) is a Wolfe video release with one hour of explicit lipstick lesbian action. Each of the five women has a persona. Lauren Tate is a real estate agent, trying to lease a house to airline stewardess Trinity Striver. She has sex with butch rent-a-cop Suni Daze, who then has sex with bar tender Chachi Butler. Butler does the very butch auto mechanic Taylor Love, and Love does Tate. The premise is that the new girl of each coupling has said, "I wish you would."

    We see open leg shots of everyone, and some sort of insertion, whether fingers, tongue or toy. If you consider carpet munching a good spectator sport, this DVD is worth the investment, as it is nearly all girl/girl action start to finish in god light and a variety of body types. While the so-called story is pretty much non-existent, it delivers nudity and sex among good looking women, start to finish, and is therefore a C+.

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  • Chachi Butler (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
  • Lauren Tate (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
  • Suni Daze (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
  • Taylor Love (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Trinity Striver (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    The Bitch:

    Joan Collins and Jackie Collins had a pretty good thing going there for while. Jackie wrote sleazy novels for women about powerful, rich, conniving women. These books made perfect film vehicles for, and guaranteed full employment for, her sister Joan. Joan acted in these films, presumably drawing in some additional fans with her name recognition, and even managing to draw in some male viewers with extensive nudity.

    The challenge with a film like this is the same as the challenge with a softcore film. You either have to show plenty of hot sex, or have some pretty good sex in an interesting story. If you can have both hot sex and a good plot, you have a masterpiece of sexually-oriented cinema, but you can count those on one hand, so most films try for one or t'other.

    You know a Joan Collins film isn't going to be the kind with lots of hot sex. Joan is one of those pseudo-upper-crusty types who tries to maintain her aloof dignity. The terms "hot sex" and "dignity" don't really go together. Hot sex is sweaty, uninhibited, sometime nasty, sometimes clumsy, always passionate, never aloof. The filmmaker, therefore, has only one way to succeed with a Collins vehicle. He must concentrate on a strong tease factor with a good storyline.

    The film does deliver fairly well on "strong tease". Miss Collins gets topless several times, and flashes some buns. Several other females flash other body parts including pubic areas. The male star brought out Captain Helmet a couple of times.  In general, the tease would have been adequate to spice up a good story.

    Unfortunately, the good story never showed up. The plot is good for about two or three minutes of running time. The rest of the film is filler.

    • There is 10-15 minutes of footage of people dancing to disco music. These are not expert dancers engaged in a showy demonstration of brilliant moves, ala Saturday Night Fever. These are not famous people. These are not good dancers. They are just random people dancing, If you want to imagine the experience, go to a dancing club with flashing floor panels and the dreaded disco ball. Sit there soberly and watch other people dance. Actually, that experience would be far better than watching this movie, because at least you could smell the women's perfume as they went by.
    • The sex scenes go on too long. In a film like this, where people have dignified, missionary position or straight woman-on-top sex under the covers, the sex scenes need to be brief. Show me whatever body parts I'm going to see and move on. Watching people undulate beneath a coverlet is not very entertaining, less and less so as it drags on.
    • The background score? Well, imagine the worst possible disco songs like Disco Lucy, and That's the Way (Uh-huh Uh-huh) I Like It. The entire score for this film consists of that kind of crap. Not those exact songs, but other, non-famous but kinda sorta familiar-sounding songs.
    • The editing is incomprehensible, rendering the entire film completely confusing, and the director just didn't seem to care. Characters disappear without a trace. There are several examples of bizarre editing, but one scene sums it up. Joan Collins and the male star arrive at a country home. The people who own the estate greet them outside the house. The men are wearing suit jackets. Neither the men or the women are wearing overcoats. It is obviously late summer or early autumn. They exchange pleasantries and head inside to have a stiff drink. CUT. Now everyone is sitting outside in the snow, shivering. What happened, did seasons or even years pass? If time passed, why did the previous scene show only the greeting and none of the actual visit? Surely that entire greeting thing should have been cut? No! Turns out that no time passed. That must have been a long drink.
    • Cliff Clavin from Cheers as a disco denizen in London? Cliffy is dancing his heart out (a sight to see), and is also a criminal! Norm is not to be seen.

    D-. No reviews online. 2.6 at IMDB, which is getting below even Ed Wood standards.







    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap






    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.



    • Here's a clip of the Master Thespian, Patsy Kensit., in Timebomb. I think she's supposed to be making sexual noises, but she sounds like she has a really bad case of constipation! (.avi version, .wmv version)

    • Sharon Stone's famous beaver shot in slo-mo. As always, we warn you that this clip is not a Newman-free zone. (.avi version, .wmv version)

    • The Flying Nun herself, doing some rare nudity in Stay Hungry. (.avi version, .wmv version)

    • This one is not from Shiloh - it's Charlie's clip of Julie Gayet's frontal nudity in Select Hotel.  (.avi version, .wmv version)


    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Crimson Ghost
    First up from the Ghost today, 'caps and vids from the Lloyd A. Simandl women-in-prison movie, "Chained Heat II" (1993).

    • Kimberley Kates, she's probably best known as Princess Elizabeth from the 1989 comedy classic, "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure". Here she is topless in bed. (1, 2, 3)
    • Kimberley Kates, a .wmv of this scene.

    • Lucie Benesová aka Lucie Benes. The Czech babe shows off an amazing chest and also shows some pubes. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
    • A .wmv of Lucie Benes topless before getting into the shower.

    • Kimberley Kates and Lucie Benes, both full frontal in the official women-in-prison shower scene. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    • Kimberley Kates and Lucie Benes shower scene .wmv

    • Topless unknown (1, 2)
    • .wmvs of assorted nekkid unknowns in several scenes. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Next up, .wmvs from a low budget Italian/Brazilian flick called "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" (1985).

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Prey for Rock & Roll" (2003)
    "Girl band in conflict" movies are not new, and this 2003 effort breaks little new ground, although it's still a pretty decent movie.

    Gina Gershon plays lead singer Jacki who, in addition to all the other problems facing young rock groups trying to make it, has to face the fact that she's just turned 40, and may be too old to continue fighting this particular battle. Top-notch performances by Gershon, Drea de Matteo, Lori Petty, and Shelly Cole make this movie worth a look despite the predictable story line.

    • Gina Gershon, no nudity and covered in fake tattoos. By the way, Gershon did her own singing and guitar playing, and she even went on tour with the band Girls Against Boys to support the movie and soundtrack.
    • Drea de Matteo

    Kristy Swanson The original Buffy all wet and showing some cleavage in scenes from the straight-to-vid flick, "Red Water" (2003).

    Nikki Fritz The Skinemax babe shows off pubes and robo-hooters in scenes from an episode of the late night series "The Pleasure Zone".

    Regina Russell Topless in some sport-humpin' scenes from the same episode of "The Pleasure Zone".

    Simmone Jade Mackinnon No nudity in these 'caps from "Dark Waters" (2004). But this Aussie and former "Baywatch" co-star is one mighty-fine looking woman!

    'Caps and comments by Oz:

    The Other Side of Midnight
    The main nudity in The Other Side of Midnight comes from Marie-France Pisier and not much is left to the imagination. From Susan Sarandon there is some brief breast but the sexiest caps are from when she becomes absolutely soaked.

    • Marie-France Pisier (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
    • Susan Sarandon (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Up Close and Personal
    No nudity in Up Close and Personal but some mild pokies by Michelle Pfeifer.

    • Michelle Pfeifer (1, 2, 3)

    Ultimate Lie
    Again, no nudity in Ultimate Lie but there are some sexy caps of Kristin Davis when she played a hooker.

    • Kristin Davis (1, 2, 3)

    Straight Time
    Al Pacino gets a lovely close up view of Theresa Russell's breasts in Straight Time and so do we.

    • Theresa Russell (1, 2)

    Tahnee Welch is supposed to be naked in Cocoon, although it could be a body double and the scene is dark.

    • Tahnee Welch (1, 2, 3, 4)

    The Transporter
    No nudity in The Transporter but there are some very sexy caps of Shu Qi as she stands around in her underwear.

    • Shu Qi (1, 2)

    Big was PG rated so you can't expect much but Elizabeth Perkins has her top off as Tom Hanks goes in for a feel.

    • Elizabeth Perkins (1, 2, 3)

    Cutting Edge
    Likewise for Cutting Edge but there are some very nice images of Moira Kelly and Rachelle Ottley.