Paul Verhoeven's Total Recall (1990) is, I am sure, familiar to all of you. On the off chance that it isn't, The Governator has been given a new set of memories to prevent him from seeking revenge on the corrupt officials who nearly cost him his life on mars by exposing his cover. After a visit to a virtual reality center that can create a temporary set of memories, his real memories begin to return. Arnold does what Arnold is good at -- he gets mad and gets even.

Sharon Stone has been hired to pretend to be his wife so she can keep an eye on him in case his memory returns. The exposure is from a scene with the two of them in bed early in the film.

Although I am not an Arnold fan (either the actor or the politician), this is a great vehicle for him, as it is mostly action, and the special effects alone are worth the price of admission. The DVD transfer is a so so letterbox, and is devoid of special features. IMDb readers have this at 7.2 of 10. It was nominated by the Academy for Effects and Sound. No acting awards or nominations anywhere. Ebert, three stars, Berardinelli, 2 1/2, Tuna C.

The Bitch:

Joan Collins and Jackie Collins had a pretty good thing going there for while. Jackie wrote sleazy novels for women about powerful, rich, conniving women. These books made perfect film vehicles for, and guaranteed full employment for, her sister Joan. Joan acted in these films, presumably drawing in some additional fans with her name recognition, and even managing to draw in some male viewers with extensive nudity.

The challenge with a film like this is the same as the challenge with a softcore film. You either have to show plenty of hot sex, or have some pretty good sex in an interesting story. If you can have both hot sex and a good plot, you have a masterpiece of sexually-oriented cinema, but you can count those on one hand, so most films try for one or t'other.

You know a Joan Collins film isn't going to be the kind with lots of hot sex. Joan is one of those pseudo-upper-crusty types who tries to maintain her aloof dignity. The terms "hot sex" and "dignity" don't really go together. Hot sex is sweaty, uninhibited, sometime nasty, sometimes clumsy, always passionate, never aloof. The filmmaker, therefore, has only one way to succeed with a Collins vehicle. He must concentrate on a strong tease factor with a good storyline.

The film does deliver fairly well on "strong tease". Miss Collins gets topless several times, and flashes some buns. Several other females flash other body parts including pubic areas. The male star brought out Captain Helmet a couple of times.  In general, the tease would have been adequate to spice up a good story.

Unfortunately, the good story never showed up. The plot is good for about two or three minutes of running time. The rest of the film is filler.

• There is 10-15 minutes of footage of people dancing to disco music. These are not expert dancers engaged in a showy demonstration of brilliant moves, ala Saturday Night Fever. These are not famous people. These are not good dancers. They are just random people dancing, If you want to imagine the experience, go to a dancing club with flashing floor panels and the dreaded disco ball. Sit there soberly and watch other people dance. Actually, that experience would be far better than watching this movie, because at least you could smell the women's perfume as they went by.
• The sex scenes go on too long. In a film like this, where people have dignified, missionary position or straight woman-on-top sex under the covers, the sex scenes need to be brief. Show me whatever body parts I'm going to see and move on. Watching people undulate beneath a coverlet is not very entertaining, less and less so as it drags on.
• The background score? Well, imagine the worst possible disco songs like Disco Lucy, and That's the Way (Uh-huh Uh-huh) I Like It. The entire score for this film consists of that kind of crap. Not those exact songs, but other, non-famous but kinda sorta familiar-sounding songs.
• The editing is incomprehensible, rendering the entire film completely confusing, and the director just didn't seem to care. Characters disappear without a trace. There are several examples of bizarre editing, but one scene sums it up. Joan Collins and the male star arrive at a country home. The people who own the estate greet them outside the house. The men are wearing suit jackets. Neither the men or the women are wearing overcoats. It is obviously late summer or early autumn. They exchange pleasantries and head inside to have a stiff drink. CUT. Now everyone is sitting outside in the snow, shivering. What happened, did seasons or even years pass? If time passed, why did the previous scene show only the greeting and none of the actual visit? Surely that entire greeting thing should have been cut? No! Turns out that no time passed. That must have been a long drink.
• Cliff Clavin from Cheers as a disco denizen in London? Cliffy is dancing his heart out (a sight to see), and is also a criminal! Norm is not to be seen.

D-. No reviews online. 2.6 at IMDB, which is getting below even Ed Wood standards.

• Joan Collins (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
• Sue Lloyd
• Pamela Salem (1, 2)
• Random tootsies (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

OTHER CRAP:

• Bad taste link of the day: The Passion of the Christ - with a catchy Mambo beat. and Rabbis cheering for his pain - with pom poms. Brilliant and edgy. Sure to offend almost everyone.
• JoBlo reviews Taking Lives with Angelina Jolie, Ethan Hawke and Kiefer Sutherland: "This isn't a film that's likely to go into anyone's 'Top 10 Thrillers of All-Time' list or inspire any major enthusiasm from fans of the genre, but on this night, going into my screening with the lowest of expectations, it held my interest throughout, maintained an effective dark style, manipulated the story enough for me to be somewhat surprised with the 'reveal' and offered many a close-up of Angelina Jolie's fat lips (as well as a gratuitous 'jolie' tit shot), for which alone, I'd have paid the price of admission. "
• Hey, Jane, I like that scent. What perfume is that? Why it's Mouseketeer Brand - for all your smell needs.
• Spectacular photograph of The Great Nebula in Orion
• GALLUP: Americans are suddenly very pessimistic about the economy. In January, 66% of Americans felt the economy was improving. That has fallen to 47% in just two months.
• More nude Janet Jackson paparazzi pics
• The Sun says a naked Jacko told a 12 year old kid: "Keep drinking, it will make you feel better."
• "Top Model" Blows Off Steam: Boobgate backlash continues to rock Tyra Banks' "America's Next Top Model". First UPN edited the show's Website, cropping full-body shots of the aspiring models clad only in body paint to show only their faces. Now Banks has reportedly been ordered by UPN to edit out steamy sections from next week's episode, which featured some of the women cavorting with a number of men in a manner inappropriate for a family network.
• Drew Barrymore stuns shoppers by taking lingerie shots with camera phone
• Bugs Bunny's Home Run Derby
• DICK SPADER, cartoon dick. A lot of work went into this. Unfortunately, the subtitles are in a language something like English, but not exactly English.
• What's new Off-Broadway. They say the neon lights are dim ... off Broadway ...
• You like gymnasts? You like twins? You like 'em naked? We have all three right here, podner. They must be the world's worst gymnasts, but I don't think you'll mind.
• The Passion of the Christ dominates another weekend. It grossed $31.6 million, far more than the $19 million grossed by the second place finisher, Johnny Depp's Secret Window.
• Astronomers discover 'new planet'. Confound your science teacher. Does he think there are nine planets in the solar system? Since this object seems to be larger than Pluto, our solar system is now known to have either eight planets or ten, but not nine. (Some say Pluto is not a planet, but if it is, then this would be also.)
• Be insulted in Shakespearean English. Thou dastardly son of a palsied whore.
• Kim Jong Il says he'll abandon his nuclear aspirations for a sneak peek at Star Wars Episode III. (Weekly World News)
• John Paul II's papacy is now the third-longest in the history of the Catholic Church. (Probably the second-longest. The dates on Peter, the first Pope, and still supposedly the longest in office, are a might shaky.)
• Actors Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman were named 'Living National Treasures' by Australia on Sunday. This means that you'll need the Aussie government's permission to plant an erection on her, drill in her, or strip away any of her layers.
• Alanis Morissette lyric changed from "asshole" to "nightmare" for U.S. market. The quote of the day came from Canada's Warner Music representative: "'We've decided here that we're sticking with 'asshole'."
  • No wonder that Canadian birth rate is dropping
  • They said the same exact quote about Chretien, and he's gone, isn't he?
• Horny pelican mistakes big-nosed man for his mate. (Weekly World News)
• "A Mexican worker dies each day, AP finds". His name is Kenny.
• England's "Best Book of the Year" nominees include such noted literary giants as David Beckham and Madonna. Previous winners include William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, and the Spice Girls.
• One song to bore them all? The Lord of the Rings is to be turned into a lavish West End musical.
• Lobster zombie news: frozen lobsters thaw and return to life. In other news, the Red Sox have asked the seafood industry to take a look at Ted Williams.
• Jesse Ventura for president in 2008? Details of the wrestling hall of fame induction.
• Spanish ruling party swept from power in Socialist victory
• Author Lewis Perdue is preparing to sue Dan Brown for copyright infringement, claiming 'The Da Vinci Code' is in large part stolen from his 1983 novel, 'The Da Vinci Legacy' and its 1985 follow-up, 'Daughter of God' - which were both recently optioned by 'Survivor' creator Mark Burnett. "
• JoBlo takes a detailed look at the Bat-cast.
• The opera is officially over. The fat man has sung. Pavarotti sang his farewell performance last night at the Met.
• Jodi Ann Paterson was the playmate of the year in the milennium year, so I guess at that point she was the playmate of the millennium. Here's her free Playmate Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• Four free short videos from Playboy's SPICE TV RAW!
• The Top 14 Johnnie Cochran Arguments to defend the Penis-Enlargement guys against fraud. "If the penis enlarges, you must drop the charges."
• 25 years in the convenience store industry and not once did I see anything like this.
• A 'Special skills draft' is on drawing board. The military needs computer experts, foreign language specialists. The good news, no general military draft planned at this time. The bad news: you're an exception to the rule if you can speak crucial languages or are a good computer programmer. If you are good with languages, you may want to think about learning Korean and Persian. If you are good with computers, you might want to think about learning Canadian or Amsterdamian.
• The Secrets of Scientology
• Is David Hasselhoff the AntiChrist, or just one of the evil minions? How do you get to be a minion? Do they have minion schools? Can you major in minion at Harvard?
• Upstart 24-hour talk radio network prepares to turn the dial to the left. Liberal Air America to start national broadcast at end of month, featuring alleged comedians Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo.
• The new contest at FreakingNews.com is to imagine what that new advertising in space will be like.
• FilmJerk.com's early report for thie week.
• Kerry convinces Dean and Gore to support Bush.
• British TV asks people their favorite naughty word. Very naughty, and funny.
• George Carlin explains why Republicans hate breasts.
• FCC Fines Clear Channel $247,500 for 'Elliot' Exploits : "The FCC levied a hefty $247,500 fine against Clear Channel Communications yesterday for 'indecency violations that involved graphic and explicit sexual material' during Segal's popular 'Elliot in the Morning' show last March. Clear Channel has 30 days to appeal or pay up. "
• Ol' Tanya Harding is really lookin' feminine these days!!
• Here are some nice nudie pics of Lindsey Marshal. She is a cheerleader for the Toronto Raptors. Here's her official Raptors pic.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

Follow-up:

• Here's a clip of the Master Thespian, Patsy Kensit., in Timebomb. I think she's supposed to be making sexual noises, but she sounds like she has a really bad case of constipation! (.avi version, .wmv version)

• Sharon Stone's famous beaver shot in slo-mo. As always, we warn you that this clip is not a Newman-free zone. (.avi version, .wmv version)

• The Flying Nun herself, doing some rare nudity in Stay Hungry. (.avi version, .wmv version)

• This one is not from Shiloh - it's Charlie's clip of Julie Gayet's frontal nudity in Select Hotel.  (.avi version, .wmv version)

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

• Kimberley Kates, she's probably best known as Princess Elizabeth from the 1989 comedy classic, "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure". Here she is topless in bed. (1, 2, 3)
• Kimberley Kates, a .wmv of this scene.

• Lucie Benesová aka Lucie Benes. The Czech babe shows off an amazing chest and also shows some pubes. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
• A .wmv of Lucie Benes topless before getting into the shower.

• Kimberley Kates and Lucie Benes, both full frontal in the official women-in-prison shower scene. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Kimberley Kates and Lucie Benes shower scene .wmv

• Topless unknown (1, 2)
• .wmvs of assorted nekkid unknowns in several scenes. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Next up, .wmvs from a low budget Italian/Brazilian flick called "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" (1985).

• Suzane Carvalho, the Brazilian actress showing off some extremely bouncy breasts in links 1-3 and then a soapy chest and bum in #4. (1, 2, 3, 4)
• A topless unknown in a love scene

"Prey for Rock & Roll" (2003)
"Girl band in conflict" movies are not new, and this 2003 effort breaks little new ground, although it's still a pretty decent movie.

Gina Gershon plays lead singer Jacki who, in addition to all the other problems facing young rock groups trying to make it, has to face the fact that she's just turned 40, and may be too old to continue fighting this particular battle. Top-notch performances by Gershon, Drea de Matteo, Lori Petty, and Shelly Cole make this movie worth a look despite the predictable story line.

• Gina Gershon, no nudity and covered in fake tattoos. By the way, Gershon did her own singing and guitar playing, and she even went on tour with the band Girls Against Boys to support the movie and soundtrack.
• Drea de Matteo

The Other Side of Midnight
The main nudity in The Other Side of Midnight comes from Marie-France Pisier and not much is left to the imagination. From Susan Sarandon there is some brief breast but the sexiest caps are from when she becomes absolutely soaked.

• Marie-France Pisier (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
• Susan Sarandon (1, 2, 3, 4)

Up Close and Personal
No nudity in Up Close and Personal but some mild pokies by Michelle Pfeifer.

• Michelle Pfeifer (1, 2, 3)

Ultimate Lie
Again, no nudity in Ultimate Lie but there are some sexy caps of Kristin Davis when she played a hooker.

• Kristin Davis (1, 2, 3)

Straight Time
Al Pacino gets a lovely close up view of Theresa Russell's breasts in Straight Time and so do we.

• Theresa Russell (1, 2)

Cocoon
Tahnee Welch is supposed to be naked in Cocoon, although it could be a body double and the scene is dark.

• Tahnee Welch (1, 2, 3, 4)

The Transporter
No nudity in The Transporter but there are some very sexy caps of Shu Qi as she stands around in her underwear.

• Shu Qi (1, 2)

Big
Big was PG rated so you can't expect much but Elizabeth Perkins has her top off as Tom Hanks goes in for a feel.

• Elizabeth Perkins (1, 2, 3)

Cutting Edge
Likewise for Cutting Edge but there are some very nice images of Moira Kelly and Rachelle Ottley.

• Moira Kelly (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Rachelle Ottley