"Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats"

Bram Stoker'sBurial of the Rats (1995) -- Roger Corman heard that there was a film studio nearly of of business in Moscow, so he called and asked what sets they already had, then wrote some movies around the sets. The idea was to take a handful of American actors for the main characters, and use local talent for the rest, and most of the crew. This is one of those films, and is based on a Bram Stoker story.

Stroker and his father are traveling by coach through 19th century France when their coach is stopped by hooded assailants, and the driver devoured by rats. When one of the gang goes after Mr. Stoker, Bram kills them. Next thing you know, Bram has been taken prisoner by the outlaws, who are bikini clad members of the sisterhood of the rats, dedicated to punishing men who have oppressed women. Adrienne Barbeau is the queen, and controls the rats with a flute. The two that took Bram prisoner are Maria Ford and Olga Kabo. Ford saves his life when she realizes that he was just trying to save his father. Barbeau realizes that writer Stoker can spread terror into the hearts of men simply by writing about their great work among the chauvinist swine. He accompanies them on raids, and is eventually invited to become a sister. When the sisterhood isn't sicking the rats on men, they are dancing around topless.

When they raid a whorehouse, Ford, who by now has become intimate with Bram, much to the chagrin of Kabo, who wanted her to herself, is captured and put in the dungeon for torture. They raid the prison, but the soldiers are really pissed now.

Ford shows breasts in a dark sex scene. Kabo does a full frontal in a mirror dressing for a raid. Inna Khokhlushkina, as a rescued prostitute, does a lengthy full frontal. Several Russian dancers are topless in two or three scenes. Most of the characters don't have any lines at all. The sets looked great.

IMDb readers have this at 3.3 of 10. Some people just don't know how to enjoy a bad movie, and this is one that has major bad movie energy. I think my favorite bit was when Barbeau Guillotines a rat for dancing out of step. As gothic horror, this deserves the 3.3, but as a bad film, it has all the necessary ingredients for great fun, and is therefor a C as a bad movie.

  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails

  • Inna Khokhlushkina (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
  • Maria Ford (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
  • Olga Kabo (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34)

    "Gypsy Eyes"

    Gypsy Eyes (1992) starts as an espionage/crime thriller. Then, somewhere after the mid-point, it morphs into a romance. This must have been a mid production decision, as some characters and plot points they carefully set up just vanish. Claire Forlani is a gypsy, who is taking an American diplomat to a hotel by playing the prostitute. Her goal is to slip him a Mickey and rob him. An assassin shoots him while she is changing in the ladies. The assassin sees her, and tries to shoot her, but she escapes. Enter Jim Metzler, who is CIA and assigned to the Bucharest embassy as head of security. His boss tells him to stay out, as he is do to return home in two weeks, but the dead man was his friend, and he is a hard-ass by nature.

    With the help of the local chief of police, he figures out that a gypsy woman saw the murder, and catches her. Then we are let in on most of the plot. Seems most of the embassy has been selling illegal arms. The dead man started freelancing, cutting into the profits, so they killed him. Now they need to get rid of Forlani and Metzler. They kill the police chief, and throw a hand grenade into the car with Forlani and Metzler, but the two escape. Metzler is seriously injured, and wakes up several days later in a gypsy camp. The gypsies turn out to be far better people than his colleagues at the embassy. At this point, we are expecting a big final showdown at the docs. IT never happens. In stead, Metzler and Forlani fall in love, and the bad guys attack the gypsy camp.

    Forlani shows breasts and buns, and her character show brief bush. The way it was shot and edited, the bush could be a double. Ashly Graham, as an embassy secretary, shows breasts in a sex scene. An unknown shows breasts and buns in a totally gratuitous sex scene. IMDb readers have it at 4.9 of 10. The plot is weak, especially when it radically switches emphasis, and neither the crime/thriller nor the romance aspect is a strong story. However, Forlani was a pure joy to watch, both physically, and because of her portrayal. I also enjoyed the gypsy culture very much. I will give this a C-, in that there are rewards for watching it if gypsies and naked women appeal to you.

  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails

  • Ashly Graham (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
  • Claire Forlani (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Gypsy Eyes (filmed in 1992, USA copyright registered in 1993, released briefly in 1994)

    Claire Forlani is one of the most beautiful women in the world. She is a reasonably competent actress now, but it was her beauty alone which originally qualified her as an actress, and it was this beauty which enabled her career to survive some stinking performances in stinking films.

    Like this.

    Forlani is supposed to be playing a gypsy in Romania (the movie was actually filmed in Croatia and processed in Slovenia), but she quite literally has a different accent in every scene - including a few scenes which she speaks with an American accent (she's from the U.K., but she can portray Americans convincingly). The accent was only the beginning of her troubles. She was about high school age when she made this movie, and she really didn't have any idea how to deliver the scenes. Except for dancing roles, her only acting before this film had been three brief appearances in UK television shows.

    The performance in Gypsy Eyes may not have been entirely her fault. Who knows what the youngster might have done with some competent guidance. Nobody really seems to have been aware of where this film was going. There is no writing credit. I don't think that is a coincidence. It appears that scene after scene was improvised, with no particular relevance or connection to the surrounding scenes. Ideas mentioned in some early scenes are never mentioned again. A rendezvous is planned, then forgotten. Characters enter and leave for no apparent reason. All the Rumanian gypsies speak perfect English, albeit with a variety of accents. (Where would they learn English in rural Romania, away from any formal schooling?)

     It really seems that nobody was in charge, and I guess that is pretty much true. The director, a Slovenian guy named Vinci Vogue-Anzlovar, would never direct again, which is not surprising after the investors saw the mess he made of this film.

    In the first scene, Forlani is a hooker about to slip a Mickey Finn to an American and steal his valuables. Beneath the window of their hotel room is a mysterious armed stalker. We think perhaps the hooker and the stalker are in cahoots, but when she goes to the bathroom, the stalker enters a window, shoots the American, and the hooker stays hidden, terrified, until the stalker/killer leaves.

    Now think about that for a second.

    • The American guy is in a hotel room in the same city in which he lives, and the stalker knows exactly which room he is in.
    • Given those two facts, the stalker must also know the American's purpose for being there. That purpose requires a second human being, of course. There were also two champagne glasses in the room, and the American had not yet removed all of his clothes, indicating that the sex had not yet taken place.
    • So when Mr Stalker shot the American, did he check to see if there might be someone in the bathroom, like, oh, I don't know - a hooker? Nah.

    That's how illogical the film was in the first three minutes. That was actually the logical highlight of the film, since (1) unlike some of the characters elsewhere in the film, those characters were actually important to the development of the alleged plot, and (2) since it was only the first scene, it did not yet present any continuity problems with previous scenes!

    The filmmakers had about the same authoritative command of a title as they did of the shooting script. The original title was Pick Pocket; it was released briefly in theaters as Gypsy Eyes; then released on video as C.I.A. Trackdown; and is now back to Gypsy Eyes on DVD.

    The score at IMDb is 4.9, but that has been poisoned by the fact that nine of the 40 voters scored it a ridiculous 10/10 - that was undoubtedly Vinci himself, since he clearly has nothing else to occupy his time these days. Without those perfect tens, the average score is about where it should be at 3.9, with 12 of the 31 votes being a fairly well-deserved zero.

    Having made those points, however, let me point out that there are some good things to see if you watch this film, but do not do so without having your thumb very near to the fast-forward button.

    1. It doesn't matter how bad Claire's acting is. The girl is absolutely stunning, and you can't take your eyes off her. It doesn't hurt that she removes her clothing quite a bit.

    2. There is a very nice acoustic guitar score.

    3. The shots in the gypsy encampment are colorful and exotic. Of course, so is the NBC peacock, but you probably don't want to watch that for 87 minutes. Or this

    • Claire Forlani (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    • Ashly Graham (1, 2, 3)




    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap






    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.


    Out of Order

    • Kim Dickens in her sexy underwater scene with Eric Stolz (.wmv, .avi).

    • Dickens in a love scene (.wmv, .avi). Kim is trapped somewhere between a romantic lead and a character actress, but  I've always liked her work. And I definitely applaud her daring.

    The Entity

    Sexy scenes with Barbara Hershey being assailed by an evil and invisible entity who likes to fuck her! OK, it's a dopey movie, but when I was traveling I used to watch this on HBO once in a while, just to see these scenes:

    • Babs undressing (.wmv, .avi). (You can skip this one)

    • Babs being felt up by the entity. I read that the scene was done with pneumatic pumps and prosthetic breasts over her natural breasts, so you aren't actually seeing her flesh here, but it is still a cool scene.. (.wmv, .avi).

    • Babs being molested by the entity. More prosthetic breasts, but apparently some genuine bush and bum as well.. (.wmv, .avi).


    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Graphic Response
    From the Italian movie "40 gradi all'ombra del lenzuolo" aka "Sex with a Smile" (1976). All 3 ladies are topless, and Haddon and Fenech also bare their bums.

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    Visual Stimulation is a 30-minute featurette added to the Aria disk. It presents three nekkid babes posing in ways most revealing. That's good news. Two of the babes are former Heffer and former Pet Linn (Lynn) Thomas and frequent Hefmag newstand special model, Sydney Moon. That's better news. The themes of light lesbotronics and mercifully light BD that run through Aria reappear in Visual Stimulation.

    Grabbed a hundred or so frames of Linn and pieced them together into 14 collages. Most of them are gynocam specials, although a few (#'s 7, 8 and 12, in particular) are more tasteful and are very attractive.

    In numbers 10 and 11 Linn is joined by Sydney, as the latter rubs her most impressive features against the former's most impressive feature. You'll see what I mean. Number 14 shows Linn loosely tied up. Not my favorite, but it might be for some of youse guys.

    Sydney Moon was a very popular model a couple years back, for a few simple reasons. She is attractive enough, she has... how to put this delicately... a terrific rack, and she is willing to show her perineum to any camera pointed her way. Of her four collages, the first three show the extremes of her posing. Collages 1 and 2 have Linn lending a helping pair of hands and number 3 has Linn bringing out the riding crop. I did search high and low and found enough frames to fill a collage of more tasteful poses. That would be number 4.

    • Sydney Moon (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Bottom line: when you look at Aria as a whole, you do get a rather big bang for the buck... so long as explicit posing and girls kinds doing girls is your thing.

    A few more 'caps from upcoming DVD's.

    From the tasteless but very funny comedy "Eurotrip" (due out on DVD June 1st)

    New today on DVD! "Club Dread"

    Crimson Ghost
    Part 3 of the Ghost's very thorough coverage of the Skinemax flick, "The Awakening of Gabriella" (1999).

    • Susan Featherly plays the lead of "Gabriella" and naturally bares all while stripping and gettin' it on with both guys and girls.
      (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36)

    • Susan Featherly .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    • Two scenes with Susan Featherly and Anna Kaminskaia. One scene is an outdoor lesbian love scene. The other has them both in the tub. Breasts everywhere, plus a hint of pubes in link #5. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    • Susan Featherly and Anna Kaminskaia .wmvs Link #1 features the outdoor lesbian lovin' (worth checking out for the brief gyno-view). Link #2 shows them in the tub. (1, 2)

    Angelina Jolie Her lips are in full pout mode, and she's showing some pokies. A great red carpet image by Squiddy.

    Naomi Watts
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Mr. Nude Celeb 'caps of Watts' excellent toplessness in scenes from her Oscar nominated performance in "21 Grams".

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Why Not Just Ask Them? - Scientists at Essen University in Germany are trying to figure out what women are thinking when they watch porn. Brain scans revealed that both men and women showed activity in the lobes linked to memory and perception, but only women used their frontal lobes, the part of the brain associated with planning and emotion. This means men lose themselves in the moment when watching porn, while women are planning something, but we don't know if they're planning their wardrobes or mentally doing their taxes or what.

  • If it stars Ron Jeremy, they're planning NEVER to watch porn again!
  • I know one thing: they are NOT planning to have sex.
  • If they plan their wardrobes while watching porn, it would explain why so many women dress like Britney Spears.
  • Research also shows that most men NEVER plan or show emotion.

    Still No Cure For Cancer - Two Vanderbilt University biochemists who were researching drugs for cancer and Alzheimer's made a startling discovery: a liver enzyme that can be put into plants and produce blue roses. Horticulturists have tried for years to do this. The scientists quickly patented the process and hope to be growing blue roses within a year. It's estimated they could win five percent of the $1.2 billion worldwide cut rose market.

  • And if your grandma has Alzheimer's, they suggest you send her some lovely blue roses.
  • Blue roses are a great way to tell a woman, "Sorry I blew you off."
  • Send a woman blue roses to tell her, "I just got Viagra!"
  • If you can't afford them, try fertilizing a regular rose bush with Carter's Little Liver Pills.

    The Female David Cassidy - The Hampton Union paper of Hampton, New Hampshire reports that furious Jewel fans walked out of a concert after she went on a bizarre diatribe. She sang only five songs and spent much of the time berating the audience. She told them to yell requests, then told them to "shut the hell up." She told them to stop looking at her teeth and look at her breasts. She insulted the fat people and those with no teeth, and told them she'd seen better audiences at a barroom brawl. For an encore, she yodeled for one minute and left. She also talked for ten minutes about Zoloft and Paxil. One upset fan said he didn't know if she was on that medication or forgot to take it.

  • She's supposed to take Zoloft OR Paxil, not Zoloft AND Paxil.
  • Or maybe the Jewel fans showed up at a Courtney Love concert by mistake.
  • She must've been out of her right mind if she thought she had to TELL them to stare at her breasts.
  • The most amazing part of the story: the audience demanded an encore.

    Jolly Green Jesus - "Shrek 2" is mowing down box office records, earning $125.3 million from Wednesday to Sunday, beating "Return of the King's" five-day record. It broke "Finding Nemo's" record for best opening of an animated film, and is the biggest debut of the year, beating "Passion of the Christ." A Dreamworks spokesman said in light of this, they are "thinking about" another sequel.

  • "Shrek 10."
  • Box office quickly plunged after Shrek declared that he was "bigger than Jesus."
  • Perhaps this will inspire Hollywood to make more films about characters who are noble, funny and interesting, but not physically attractive...Naaaaaaaaaaaaah!