"Goodbye Emmanuelle"

Goodbye Emmanuelle (1977) is the third and last of the real Emmanuelle films. Although Sylvia Kristel appeared briefly in number 4, it was only for a paycheck. The releasing company couldn't bear to see the franchise die, and so continued it, but with none of the original cast or crew. Hubby is the same, and is an architect. The two live in the Seychelles, where they frolic with any number of like-minded friends, until a director comes scouting locations, and Emmanuelle becomes interested, then captivated by him. The first two films were directed by men who were primarily photographers, which accounts for the great visuals. This time, they hired a film director, who also write, and he made a French love story, which is to say, it was very slow paced, and was all about the relationship growing between Emmanuelle and the movie director.

Emmanuelle is a very different person in this film. In number one, she was wide-eyed, eager and rather innocent. In number two, se was a self-assured hedonist. For this one, she is somewhat world-weary, and admits that living for love only works if you have a great imagination. There is also a feminist flavor to this film. There was some criticism of number two as misogynistic, and some of it came from Kristel. The director, still fighting to get number two released in France as an 18+, decided to tame number three down a little, hoping that would win him points. Although there was still plenty of nudity, the simulated sex was even less explicit than in the first two, and there was much less girl/girl. Also, a downside to open marriage was presented.

Sylvia Kristel again shows everything, as does Charlotte Alexandra. Radiah Frye shows breasts and buns, and Caroline Laurence shows breasts only. IMDB readers have this at 3.2 of 10, and frankly, I also thought it the worst of the three, by far. It is true that I have always been near an ocean, and don't think of the coast as exotic, but the location was a real step down from Thailand and Hong Kong for me. I also didn't like the shift from eroticism and imagery to Emmanuelle's rather ordinary search for love, commitment and fulfillment. For me, they lost the entire point of the series. It does look good, however, and the transfer is at least as good as was number two. Anchor Bay deserves kudos for a great job on this three DVD set. This film is a very low C-, and mostly for fans of Kristel, and Emmanuelle completists.

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  • Caroline Laurence (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Charlotte Alexandra (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)
  • Radiah Frye (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Sylvia Kristel (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    White Boy (2002):

    The hero of this film is a white trash street hustler who makes do by selling drugs and pulling off insurance scams, but he's also something of an idealist who envisions a better life. When he meets and falls in love with a sweet young girl who is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend, his world gets really complicated. Her neo-Nazi ex-boyfriend finds out about the romance and swears to kill them both, so he has to cut a deal with some black guys to help him out.

    It is an ultra-cheapie made for less than $100,000, which features a few familiar faces from the past playing tiny roles, notably Allan Garfield and Jan-Michael Vincent. In this case, the lack of a budget didn't really hurt the film, and may even have helped by giving it some street cred, more accurately recreating the feel of the low-rent lives it portrays.  

    Based on this description, this film is a C- by our rating system. Genre: gritty street drama with a cinema verite look and unknowns in the leads, creating a faux documentary feel. 



    Ishtar (1987):

    If you know anything at all about the history of film, you probably know that Ishtar is considered to be right up there with Heaven's Gate on the list of all-time Hollywood flops. Whenever major flops come along, Hollywood pundits and punsters try to equate them to those two movies. Kevin Costner's Waterworld was dubbed "Fishtar" by some Hollywood wags, "Kevin's Gate" by others.

    Made for forty million (a lot more in 1987 than it sounds like today), Ishtar grossed only $14 million at the box.  Actually, it is more of a "great disappointment" than a bomb. Personally, I always thought it was a pretty entertaining junk film, kind of a cheerfully stupid way to pass the time, when you're in the mood for that sort of thing. And let's face it, those numbers aren't that bad, and it took in another few million in rental income. In comparison, Stallone's D-Tox had a production cost of $55 million and did something like eighty thousand at the box office.

    Anyway, the damned thing isn't available on DVD, and is out-of-print on tape, so our Encyclopedia didn't even have Isabelle Adjani's topless scene.

    Until now.

    Graphic Response made a spiffy Tivo-DIVX film clip. First he shows you the scene with sound in real time, then repeats it in slo-mo! I also took his clip, fucked with it a little, enlarged it, and made a little collage which, while not DVD quality, is not so bad at all.



    Mississippi Masala (1991):

    Cultural "Fish out of water" stories don't really make up my favorite kind of movies. Not only that, but I generally detest all corny "lovers from warring cultures" stories written since Shakespeare died. This film has both of those characteristics, but I enjoyed it anyway. It is the story of an Indian family who fled the Idi Amin regime in Uganda, only to end up in Mississippi. The father dreams of returning to Africa, but his headstrong daughter just wants to try to make some kind of normal life for herself as an American. She falls in love with an American black guy. Her family disapproves. It goes on from there.

    It is more than just another bullshit re-telling of Romeo and Juliet. It's a good movie, and I'd say it has some real strengths:

    1. It is genuine. It feels like there are real people talking, and it seems like there are real things happening to them. It is refreshingly honest and uncontrived. The characters do make progress in their lives, but only the small changes possible within realistic parameters for the time covered by the plot. It was written by an Indian, directed by another, and the saga of the Indian-Ugandans, and their exodus to the American South, is based on what really happened during the time of Amin.

    2. It is thoughtful. Stranded among some people who are called African-Americans, yet who have no psychological or emotional bond to Africa of any kind, we find our Indian protagonist who is not considered an African by the black people, yet who truly loves Africa and lives within his memories of the sights and sounds and smells of Uganda.

    3. One of the stars of this 1991 film is a great actor who would eventually become a very famous and powerful star. I am speaking, of course, of Pauly Shore. No, just kidding. Denzel Washington plays the daughter's love interest.

    4. While I didn't much care about the Mississippi scenes one way or another, I found the scenes in Africa very impressive and evocative.

    • Sarita Choudhury (1, 2, 3, 4)



    Other crap:

    The mayor's lust for the sexy but temperamental J-Lo reminded me of the comments on Mariah Carey which were written many years ago by a site contributor named Stone Cold. Feel free to substitute J-Lo's name in the following:

    "Why bother scanning Mariah in a bikini? Because of the Maria Carey Law. It goes like this. We all know that she's the most temperamental ballbusting mofo'n woman that ever walked, and a real ego case. In fact, every guy in the world, knowing that, would fuck her anyway. You'd look deep into her eyes and see pure evil. You'd get a vision of hell, and hear them Gregorian Chants, and know that your soul would be doomed for all eternity if you fucked her. And then you'd fuck her anyway. No exceptions. Steven Muthafuckin' Hawking would stop contemplating the universe just long enough to contemplate her honey pot. Pope John-Paul-George-Ringo would issue a new encyclical on birth control within about six minutes if she told him he could have a piece with a rubber on."

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    Some pics of celebs out on the town...

    Emily Bergl
    (1, 2, 3)

    Topless in scenes from the Jeff Daniels flick, "Chasing Sleep" (2000).

    Lara Harris
    (1, 2)

    The former model turned actress topless and showing very clear rear nudity in scenes from the straight-to-video movie "The Zone".

    Lea Thompson Very lovely breast exposure from a 22 year old Thompson in scenes from the 1983 Tom Cruise movie, "All the Right Moves".

    Barbara Schöneberger The German celeb showing off a whole mess of cleavage during a TV interview.

    Brigitte Bardot
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

    Excellent 'caps by Señor Skin of the French screen legend baring bum (links 7-11) and breasts (the rest of the links) in scenes from "Ms. Don Juan" (1973). Even more impressive is that she was nearly 40 at the time!

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    From The Ministry Of Silly Walks - The Pentagon is developing a radar-based anti-terrorism device that can identify people by the way they walk. They say a walk is as unique as a signature, and in tests, the device was 80 to 95 percent successful in identifying subjects. But due to privacy concerns, Congress has temporarily banned its use on U.S. citizens.

  • But it's just a hop, skip and a jump away.
  • Privacy concerns? Who has a "private" walk?
  • Does a terrorist walk the same way if he has explosives in his shoe?
  • Jim Carrey can completely throw it off.

    The City's Broke, So The Fine Is $1 Million - New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is being accused of leaning on cops to write tickets to help the cash-strapped city. Businesses are being socked with $2,500 fines for violating an obscure law banning anything other than names and street numbers on awnings. And Jesse Taveras of the Bronx was stunned when he took a fresh air break and sat down on a milk crate outside his work place, and a cop gave him a ticket for "unauthorized use of a milk crate." The judge who'll set the fine said she'd never heard of that violation before.

  • But as long as it's on the books, they'll milk it.
  • That milk crate law is a real cash cow.
  • It's a Class S misdemeanor, which stands for "Stupid."
  • Bloomberg hopes to balance the budget by fining New Yorkers for removing the tags from their mattresses.
  • Bloomberg's biggest moral dilemma: should he fine someone whose awning reads "No Smoking"?