"Lurkers " from Tuna
Lurkers (1988) is a Robert Findlay horror offering and came near the end of her horror career. I have yet to see a Findlay film that had what I would call an engrossing plot, and this is no exception. A woman, Christine Moore, is engaged, and returns to New York for the wedding. She has all sorts of nasty nightmares and flashbacks to her childhood, a demented mother, and the building where she grew up. Many revolve around the people who lurked around the building. Her fiancee, a professional photographer, takes her back to her old building for a party, and we learn, along with her, what the building and the lurkers really are.
Moore shows breasts in two scenes. Jodi Amrstrong, as a party guest shows breasts, and Annie Grindley and Ruth Corrine Collins, as photo models, also show breasts. IMDb readers have this a 3.0. I am not sure which of its many problems led them to this conclusion but I can't disagree. This one won't even survive on bad movie points. It is filmed competently, which isn't a huge surprise, as Roberta Findlay was originally a photographer, but the plot is to thin, and much too bizarre, and the films lacks the pace and suspense to make it work in the psychological horror genre. Lets call this one a D.
Ruth Corinne Collins
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
It is amazing that somebody once thought this was a
Imagine this - the director decided to make a Robert Altman
style movie about the fashion industry, despite the fact that the
real Altman was unable to make a good one. (Pret a Porter is one of
his poorest films.) I guess this one was supposed to work because
everyone is naked in the first scene, while Altman foolishly waited
until the last scene. Yup, that fixed the problem!
In fact, this
film took all the elements that even Altman finds difficult to
manage in Altman movies and made them even more challenging.
(1) This film expands Altman's improv techniques and makes them
even more ambitious.
Altman likes to allow his actors some freedom to create
characters and speak in dialogue appropriate to those characters.
This film allowed the actors to improvise just about everything.
This technique almost never works. Actors are not writers, for one
thing. Even real writers do not create sparkling dialogue
extemporaneously. The create, re-write, and polish. I don't know
about you guys, but I can always tell when actors are improvising.
They talk in a certain way, and they provide lots of "filler" to
give them time to think: hand gestures, touching each other's faces,
speech hesitations, pregnant pauses, grabbing for emotional moments.
Most important, they never say anything interesting, so listening to
improv is like listening to your neighbors speak, except that the
discussion is condensed down to the most melodramatic moments, which
forces the "soap opera paradigm": ten minutes of set-up per big
emotional organ-chord moment.
- "You mean it's ... (organ chord) ... Freddie's child?"
- "Don't you even recognize me? Me, ... (organ chord) ... your
(2) This story manages even more characters than Altman might
There are so many characters that the audience is left wondering
who they are or why some of them were necessary at all. About
14,000 B-list actors make cameo appearances for no apparent reason.
Some examples? Paul Sorvino, who is more or less the central
character, has a son and daughter, and I was unable to see why the
daughter was added to the film. She served no purpose and added one
more person for the audience to keep track of (you need a
scorecard). Harry Hamlin is in one scene, and I'm not even sure who
his character was. Kyle MacLachlin and Chris Sarandon are stranded
so far from a context that I have no idea at all who they were
supposed to be or why the writers thought they would be useful to
the plot. And so forth. You'll be watching this thinking, "OK, who
is this again?". Of course, this leaves many characters stranded in
limbo without any character development to support them. We get to
know the characters played by Paul Sorvino, Jeff Goldblum, Leslie
Mann, and Jared Harris. The rest are ... well, I hate to use this
term to describe a film about fashion, but ... window dressing.
(3) There are several instances where multiple conversations are
occurring simultaneously, and the sound track is picking up all of
them, forcing us to guess at which ones might be important and try
to focus our listening skills on those.
Only one person in the cast was truly good at the improv
technique (Paul Sorvino), but even Big Pauly saddled himself down
with a comical Chico Marx accent, and the writers stuck him with the
ol' "dying of incurable cancer" plot line, so he ended up being
forced to say things like "The doctor, he's-a say I haffa dee
cancer. Ees-a no good. No-a good."
Oh, yeah, and the musical score is half hip-hop and half opera.
(This parallels a plot development in which the Sorvino character
may expand his house, adding a line of hip urban street fashions to
his stuffy traditional line.)
So there you have it. Even though Altman failed to make a good
Altman film about the fashion industry, director Michael Rymer
decided to try it anyway, and made it even harder on himself by
adding more characters, more overlapping conversations, more improv,
and more chaos - to the extent than even the real Altman could not
have managed so much chaos, even under the best of circumstances.
What can you say? The film went from Sundance to video, and Rymer
followed up this film with Queen of the Damned, thus giving him a
ticket straight to basic cable land.
Terrible movie. If you had access to this much talent, I don't
know if you could make a worse movie intentionally. It's meandering, melodramatic, improvised,
- Various models (1,
The Beast (1973 and 1976):
(From Scoopy and Striplight)
Walerian Borowczyk is one of cinema's
most famous crackpots. In fact, I'll go one step beyond that. Although
many complete crackpots have turned out films, Borowczyk is probably the
one with the most actual talent for it (possibly excepting David
Lynch). He is a guy who might have made
good and arty movies in the manner of the Italian masters, if only he
had been sane. Borowczyk's best achievement is probably a beautifully
filmed collection of erotic Eurotrash tales
called Immortal Tales, but the Polish auteur is most famous, and most infamous, for
the very bizarre story called The Beast.
In its original avatar,
the Beast was an 18 minute short tale filmed in 1973. It was to have
been part of five stories in Immoral Tales. It was basically a
wordless story about a woman being chased through the woods, then
raped, by a beast of some undefined sort. As
the rape progresses, she begins to enjoy it. Mr. Beast is basically a man in
a really bad gorilla suit with some kind of wolf head. The story was
marked by frequent shots of the beast's enormous wanger ejaculating
copiously all over the victim, all intercut with
explicit shots of her genitals.
Your basic shock-trash.
For various reasons,
Borowczwk decided to pare down the Immoral Tales to a ribald foursome which did
not include The Beast. That decision left him with an isolated 18 minute
short. Since there is no market for 18 minute movies, Borowczyk spent
part of the next three years writing a framing
story around his original footage. In the expanded version, an American heiress comes to
Europe to marry a down-on-his-luck French aristocrat. On the eve of
her wedding, she is sleeping alone, really turned on, and guess what
she dreams about?
Amazingly enough, she has an 18 minute dream about a
woman being pursued by a beast!
Now that's economical filmmaking! As
the story progresses, the American comes to suspect that her dream fantasy
is real, and that the man she is to marry is the offspring of the
beast and the countess in her dream.
The film includes extraordinarily graphic
sex scenes, right up to the border of hardcore sex - everything but
the penetration. It even has about six money shots, but of course it
is not a human, but a beast - one who climaxes in gallons. When this film premiered in
London in 1976, scalpers were selling tickets for £17 - something
like a hundred bucks in today's dollars. The certification by the
British film censors at the time (the Public Services and Safety
Commission) turned out to be a major scandal, because only three of
the fifteen members showed up for the certification screening/hearing,
and it was passed uneventfully. I think they are still talking about
it in London.
- The movie begins with two horses
mating - close up of the male's penis, close up of the female's
winking pinkness, close-up of the actual mating, and the
withdrawal! Eight minutes into the film, that is still going on. Good stuff, eh? You might want to watch it with your
kids at Christmas, instead of It's a Wonderful Life.
- The next scene is dialogue between
an old guy with a bad haircut and another old guy with a bad
haircut. One of the guys is supposed to be dusting an old family painting. We
can actually see a huge cobweb hanging from the top of the
painting, but when he finishes, he has brushed every part
of the painting except where the big cobweb actually was, and it
is still hanging there.
- With the possible exception of Tom
Jones, this film probably sets the record for the most gratuitous
use of harpsichord music.
- You will love all the
pseudo-profound speeches about how man and the beast are
Is this satire? Some people think so.
Whatever it is, it is certainly
But don't be fooled by the fairly high score at IMDb.
That's a cult-value thing. The photography is good, but the movie
stinks worse than dead fish on a deserted beach. On the other hand, if you find it available for rental, pick it up and
watch it in fast-forward, stopping at parts that interest you. You could
probably make a much
better movie at home with your family, but there is certainly plenty
in this film to satisfy your curiosity about 70's-era Eurotrash.
Although it is a badly-dubbed,
terrible movie (and not funny-terrible), you owe yourself a look at it
because it is one of a kind.
DVD Notes: it has been issued in a three-disk special edition. Disk
one is the movie itself, a beautifully remastered widescreen
anamorphic transfer of the theatrical version. Disk three is the
original uncut version, but don't be excited by this, because the
additional four minutes just consists of boring speeches, and this
version looks like a digitized VHS tape. The poor quality is
exacerbated by the presence of black bars across the entire film to
accommodate hard-coded subtitles. Disk two is a full-length
documentary about the making of the film, but it has two major
drawbacks (1) the sound has been lost (2) it does not include anything
about the 18 minute "Beast" portion of the film made in 1973, and
that's the only really interesting part.
- Sirpa Lane
shows every inch of her body, including gynecological
Hummel is seen completely naked in several scenes. Although
there is no open-leg shot, there are genital close ups. (1,
Rivault is also seen completely naked. (1,
- Our contributor, Striplight, did some captures from the
"making of" documentary. (1,
Mailbox - HELP!!!!
Dear Uncle Scoopy,
I love your site and check it slightly over a zillion times a day.
Recently it occurred to me that you might be the one person on this
earth who can help me solve a mystery that has tormented me for
About 5 or 6 years ago, I taped some scenes from a B-movie on
Cinemax, because I thought the woman was really beautiful--exactly
my type. Over the years I've savored these taped scenes, and I've
realized that I would really love to see any other movies that this
woman has appeared in. The problem is, I don't know her name--and I
don't even know the name of the movie on Cinemax that I saw her in.
I am attaching three pictures I took of my TV screen with scenes
from this movie playing. I would be eternally grateful if you can
tell me the
name of this actress, or at least the name of this movie. Or, if
you know any Cinemax connoisseurs who might recognize the movie, I
would be grateful if you could forward my e-mail to them. [If it
helps--the movie is about a father who ends up sleeping with his
son's girlfriend, and, in one of the scenes captured in the attached
photos, the son fools around with his father's girlfriend (the
Here are the pics of the beautiful, red-headed, big-busted Mystery
Scoop's note: Cinemax is outside my area of
expertise, so I need some help from Brainscan or Scorpion or Junior
or Crimson Ghost or one of you other guys who is familiar with the
babes of softcore.
Maher Claims Ex Is Serial Shakedown Artist : "Denying
an ex-girlfriend's legal claim that he used racial slurs and
assaulted her, comedian Bill Maher has fired back at the woman,
describing her as a would-be extortionist who launched a campaign
to embarrass and humiliate the HBO star after the demise of the
pair's ten-month relationship."
- Headline of the day.
Urine may cause bridge to collapse. Boy, if I were
driving on it, that would really piss me off.
Could an obscure inscription on a 250-year-old monument in a
Staffordshire garden point the way to the Holy Grail? I
thought it was right next to the pot o' gold at the end of the
rainbow. My mistake. I must be thinking of the other Holy Grail.
What exactly does the weatherman mean when he says "X percent
chance of rain"?
Here's the new version of the trailer for William Shakespeare's
Merchant of Venice. Unfortunately this version was
written not by William Shakespeare the Elizabethan playwright, but
William Shakespeare, the fishing pole guy. In this
particular version of the story, it is about a Venetian Jew who
retails sporting goods. ("If you pass to us, do we not shoot?")
While it does not feature particularly elegant iambic pentameter,
it does have some great tips on fly-tying.
The Sacred Cheese Sandwich visits The Big Easy.
The trailer and three clips from Assisted Living.
"Assisted Living follows 21-year-old Todd through his final day of
work as a janitor at a nursing home. Todd smokes pot frequently on
the job, which allows him to enjoy the surreal environment of the
assisted living facility. He also breaks the monotony of his days
with entertaining—and extremely unprofessional—diversions
involving the residents: he rides through the halls in borrowed
wheelchairs; he plays pool and Scrabble with them; he even plays
God on the telephone, giving residents the illusion of speaking to
their departed loved ones in heaven. But however much these
activities cheer the seniors, Todd's behavior angers the staff and
undermines the policies of the home. It is ultimately Todd's
interactions with Mrs. Pearlman—a statuesque resident who longs
for a visit from her son—that jeopardize his job. Mrs. Pearlman,
who is in the early stages of Alzheimer's, has difficulty
distinguishing the real world from her memories of it. As her odd
friendship with Todd develops, she begins to mistake the janitor
for her son. When Todd in turn begins to assume the role, he
rediscovers his own humanity and instigates a transformation for
- The battle to own the next generation of DVD:
4 studios back Toshiba's HD DVD over SONY's Blu-Ray
Canadian scientists will try to fly Leonardo Da Vinci's Original
Music companies versus Kazaa in Aussie courtroom.
HARDEESGIRL.COM - The new Hardees commercial which is raising some
Hairspray - the film - based upon the Broadway play - based upon
... um ... the other film.
Actor John Drew Barrymore Dies at 72: His famous
daughter, Drew Barrymore, said, "He was a cool cat. Please smile
when you think of him."
- Who says musicals are dead?
It's Karate Kid, the Musical. Featuring such song hits
as "Wax Off"
VERY P.I. Childrens Books. Some of them are very funny.
Here's the trailer for Mr. and Mrs. Smith. The site
says the film will be released June 10, 2005. That may be the
latest, but industry rumors have been saying that this film is a
mess and some scenes need to be reshot. It isn't easy to get big
stars like Pitt and Jolie back for re-shooting. Even if you can
work out the money angle, their schedules are difficult to
coordinate. Let's take a "wait and see" position on this one.
Chiefs fracas kept under wraps last week. The Chiefs
may have a tiny morale problem.
Follow the Cheese - the Sacred Sandwich traverses the Bayou
Best college football prank ever.
More raw footage from Fallujah. The video shows a unit
atop a roof firing on insurgents, calling in M1 Abrams support and
ultimately showing the demise of some insurgents. The previous
link goes to streaming video. If you prefer to download it,
go here instead.
Jamie Lee Curtis says she is quitting movies because she's too old
Writer David Goyer discusses his scripts for Blade:Trinity and
Batman Begins, as well as his directing debut with
Like most kids, Beckham's boys get a wooden fort - except theirs
costs a quarter of a million dollars! It has
electricity, and is bigger than the homes of the guys who built
it. The Church of England has now officially changed a famous hymn
to "A Mighty Fortress is Our God, but not quite as mighty as the
one owned by Beck's kids."
The trailer for 5x2 Five Times Two by acclaimed director Francois
Ozon . A young couple, Gilles and Marion in their 30's,
filmed in five crucial parts of their life.
The trailer for Dolls: "Three contemporary stories
inspired by the everlasting emotions expressed by the precious
dolls of Bunraku theater. Three stories delicately intertwined by
the beauty of sadness. Three stories of undying love." Better
hurry and order your tickets now. This one is selling out fast.
- Weekly World News advises:
HOW TO 'FLIP' A PLATONIC FRIEND
- and turn her into a sex machine! One tip: "GET HER ON
THE REBOUND. It's no coincidence that Dennis Rodman is one of the
greatest rebounders in NBA history and also one of the most
prolific studs in America"
Eva Longoria says the hottest kisser in showbiz is ...
(You'll never guess)
Four free sample vids from Playboy Big Breast Babes!
Playmate Gallery - Anka Romensky, February of 2002 - - Courtesy of
BUSH KILLS TURKEY, PARDONS TOM DELAY INSTEAD. Departure
From Thanksgiving Tradition
Remembering Sharon Tate
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Words from Scoop.
.avi's from Shiloh.
.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.
NOTE: because of a unique combination of
circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial
bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip
format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a
you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in
the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.
I know this is not especially convenient, but it
allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from
hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some
reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not
play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory
work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this
new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want
to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips
Wild Side (1995)
Not much of a movie (our
reviews), not in either the 90 minute or the 111 minute version, but it features a typically excellent performance from
Anne Heche, and a great lesbotronic scene between Anne and Joan Chen.
Heche is a good actress to begin with, and she really does like sex
with girls, so she really seems to get into this scene. (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped).
He Got Game (1998)
Rosario Dawson is a hot topic now. If Alexander had
been a $300 million picture, Rosario would have become a major star.
Unfortunately for her, Alexander is going to end up famous only
through the Guinness Book (highest budget for a film opening in 6th
place!) and as a future Trivial Pursuit answer. We don't have a
worthwhile clip from Alexander yet, but we have this marvelous short
clip of Rosario in He Got Game. (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped).
Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble
with the codecs for these movies:
FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use
DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use
virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the
vids says the video codec: DivX Decoder Filter & audio
codec: Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with.
When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG
Layer-3. A friend of mine told me about compressing the
audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been
capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this
info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp &
asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using
camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could
never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost
too much to buy in my opinion.
A reader says:
You mentioned that some users were
having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool
designed to determine what codec is needed for a video.
http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you
or your users.
I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9.
The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in
the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly
larger, and slightly lower quality.
|The Return of The Hankster
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Scoops, after a long absence with an even longer story behind it...I'm back! So let's get to it!
First up a look at Erika Parker in "House of the Dead", Topless showing off a great set.
Then we crank up the old time machine for a trip back to 1976 and the "Jackson County
Jail". And what do we have but a "Damsel in Distress", it's Yvette Mimieux as she is
attacked and raped by the deputy on duty. Yvette shows some boob & leg.
- Yvette Mimieux
Good to be back!
'Caps and comments by Vejiita:
Scoops, here are two more girls showing some skin in scenes from the first season of the UK TV series, "Urban Gothic". Sadly there was
no nudity in the second season.
- Flora Montgomery, bares her breasts in a couple of scenes.
- Virgina Clay shows some partial breast and see-thru views in links #1 and #2. In #3 we see a rear view with some pubes.
'Caps and comments by JackSnow:
Today it's a cleavage-only batch of pictures, but we still have some nice skin to look at.
- Aline Hochscheid as the blonde secretary from the series "Papa ist der Boss"
- Charlotte Schwab almost falling out of her dress on the latest "Tatort"
- Elisabeth Romano doing the "Disclosure"-thing on "Samt und Seide". It's not quite Demi and Michael, but it will do.
- Michaela May as a Bavarian "Biergarten"-waitress on "Polizeiruf 110"
- Philippa Galli from the typically Austrian-TV no-happy-ending-movie "Meine schöne Tochter"
- Sophie Schütt getting ready for a night out on "Typisch Sophie"
- Susann Uplegger partying in a nice dress on "Ein Fall für zwei"
- Ursula Gottwald in underwear on a recent episode of "Der Bulle von Tölz"
||The former "Brat Pack" member briefly baring a breast in scenes from "Bad Boys" (1983).
|Scoop and I both think Forlani is one of the most beautiful women in the world. We also agree that the only reason to watch the movie "Gypsy Eyes" is because Forlani looked simply amazing, and had a few nude scenes. Click here for the Scoopy.com review
|Here are several scenes featuring Green in all her glory from her film debut, Bernardo Bertolucci's "The Dreamers" (2003).
|Hamiliton topless in a love scene from the original "Terminator" (1984).
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
WOMEN USE SEX TO CONTROL MEN
From The Journal "Duh" - The UK's Sun tabloid reports that a new survey found
8 in 10 women use sex or the promise of it to keep their men in line and get
them to do what they want. Three-quarters of women claim they are in charge
in the bedroom. About half of men said they rely on "Brownie points," or doing
what women want, to get sex. Just one-third of men use sex to get what they
Because the only thing they want IS sex.
Those are all men who aren't married to British women.
Really? The figure is THAT high?
So if you see a man doing yard work when there's a game on TV, you know
he's getting a lot more sex than you.
FEMALE STARS SHOWING MORE SKIN THAN EVER
Naked Ambition - A study by Britain's Odeon movie chain found that female
stars at premieres now expose, on average, 59 percent of their bodies. Oddly,
the most prudish decade since the '50s was the 1970s, when stars such as Goldie
Hawn and Carrie Fisher showed just 7 percent of their flesh. The trend toward
exhibitionism was sparked in 1994, when Liz Hurley showed up at the debut of
"Four Weddings & A Funeral" in a Versace gown barely held together with safety
pins. Researchers say if the trend continues, by 2010, stars will be showing
three-quarters of their bodies.
And Liz Hurley will be wearing nothing but high heels.
The bad news: that will include Kirstie Alley.
Female stars demand no-nudity clauses, but that only applies to the movie.
HOLLYWOOD PARADE SHORT ON STARS
"She Blow! She Blow!" - Sunday was the Hollywood Christmas Parade, which used
to feature big stars from Bob Hope to Jimmy Stewart. But it's fallen so out
of fashion that this year, the biggest names in the parade were female boxer
Laila Ali, "American Idol" reject William Hung and a big balloon of SpongeBob
And SpongeBob is REALLY mad at his agent!
A bigger crowd turned out for Sunset Boulevard's "Parade of Hookers."
This parade was so pathetic, they couldn't even get Joan Rivers to come
make fun of it.
TV SHOWS MOSTLY SET IN NY OR L.A.
A study by Carat Insight
research of all the 1,696 cable and network TV series that aired since 1948 found
that of the ones with an identifiable locale, nearly 60 percent are set in
either New York or Los Angeles. A CBS spokeswoman denied that producers only know
about the places where they live, saying that all the TV shows are set in New
York and L.A. because their cultural and ethnic diversity provides an endless
supply of unique stories.
Yes, I remember all the ethnic diversity we saw on "Friends."
That's why they had to create "CSI: New York"...Las Vegas and Miami are
out of stories.
She added, "Besides, people between the coasts are SO boring!"