"The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing"

The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing (2004) day two For completeness, here are yesterday's comments.

"This is a comedy spoof from Seduction Cinema staring Erika Smith as the only living decedent of the famous vampire hunter Van Helsing. She is a college nerd and virgin, and is tasked with a revenge killing of the dread Dracoola (Darian Caine). Dracoola asks her to recruit virgins, as she needs virgin blood to retain her youthful appearance, so Smith goes after lesbians, as the only likely virgins. There are way too many naked women for one night, so tonight we have Erikca Smith, Darian Caine, and AJ Kahn, as Smith's only friend."

One of the highlights in this masterpiece was Abraham Van Helsing's ghost, played by Bob McKay. He had me laughing out loud several times. The jokes had a certain intelligence, unlike most Seduction Cinema output. The entire film was played for laughs rather than mock passion or horror, and I applaud the decision. You have to see AJ Kahn explaining to Erika Smith what sex is, and also what carpet munching means.

Tonight, we have all four lesbians recruited as Dracoola food, and Misty Mundae and an actress I couldn't identify as two of a three woman fantasy. The lesbians were played by Andrea Davis, Jessica Abbott, Tatiana Stone, and Isadora Edison, who also played Horney the Clown in a deleted scene. All show everything, except Edison, who shows breasts ands buns.

This is too new for an IMDb score, so I am on my own here, but this was clearly the funniest Seduction Cinema release I have ever seen. As can be seen from the images, there is no shortage of nudity. This is an easy C+. IF you enjoy soft core comedy spoof, this is a must see.

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  • Andrea Davis (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32)
  • Isadora Edison (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52)
  • Jessica Abbott (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)
  • Misty Mundae (1, 2)
  • Tatiana Stone (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Other Crap:

    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at


    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

    NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

    I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.


    The AMA awards -

    Nicolette Sheridan and a Scoopy Jr fave, Eva Longoria.


    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.


    Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

    Iron Sister (1999)

    Hi dear Scoopy !

    Today we'll take a closer look at the Taiwanese movie "Iron Sister" (1999). The DVD of this film is marketed in Hong Kong as a category III (18+) erotic movie and accentuates lead actress Shu Qi's nude scene. Such slippery marketing doesn't do justice to this feature. It is not an erotic film. It is in fact a solid drama set in Manchuria during the Japanese occupation from the 1930's till 1945. The equivalent of an American R rating would be more appropriate.

    Tung, a Chinese man enlisted in the Japanese Imperial Army, is at it with his girlfriend, played by Yeung Yi-ting, in the tent of a Japanese major. The major walks in on them and he isn't pleased at all. A fight ensues in which Tung kills the major in self-defense. Tung flees to the countryside and finds refuge in a remote little farm run by Ironic (Shu Qi) and her father. Ironic is very much in love with her fiancé and soulmate and they are about to be married. During a nightly raid against the Japanese her

    Ironic finds herself pregnant by her dead fiancé, her dad can't run the farm anymore because of his injuries, so she has no other solution than to enter a loveless marriage with Tung. Of course she doesn't know what he did to her fiancé. When Tung later on discovers his former girlfriend working in a whorehouse to support herself, things really take an ugly turn for Ironic, her father and her little daughter Tigress.

    For me this movie turned out to be a pleasant surprise. There is a clear but simple storyline without plotholes. The ingenious script takes some small details early in the movie and builds them into important details later on. Furthermore the characters are well developed and the actors put in a decent performance. Also, as opposed to many recent high budget films like Troy, there is no lack of humanity in this movie and you find yourself caring for what happens to Ironic, her father and Tigress. Of course it is no masterpiece either, think more of it like an unpolished gem that rates C in our rating system. If the storyline had been more elaborate and the camerawork above average, then I might have rated this as C+.

    The DVD is an all regions NTSC disk. The audio is in DD 5.1 Cantonese and Mandarin with Chinese and English sutitles. The picture quality however suffers in some parts from scratches and dust which is very surprising for a 1999 film. It is available from for just HK$30, so you can't really complain, can you ?

    Nudity report:

    - Shi Qi shows breasts and buns, there is possibly a far off full frontal glimpse, while she frolicks in the river with her fiancé near the end of clip 1.

    - Yeung Yi-Ting shows her breasts in two scenes making love to her boyfriend Tung.

    That's it for today.

    Yours faithfully,


    Crimson Ghost
    NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    Today from the Ghost...a nice variety of video clips. Zipped wmvs as usual.

    • Anne Parillaud topless in a scene from the direct-to-vid flick "Shattered Image" (1998), starring William Baldwin. Most folks know the French actress best for her role as the star in the Luc Besson movie, "La Femme Nikita" (1990).

    • Long time Fun House favorite and B-movie queen Kari Wuhrer briefly topless in sex scene from "Phoenix" (1998). (1, 2).

      I'm guessing "Phoenix" was probably indtended for a theatrical release, but ended up debuting on cable instead. It features a long list of famous names including: Ray Liotta, Anthony LaPaglia, Jeremy Piven, Xander Berkeley, Brittany Murphy, Tom Noonan, Anjelica Huston, Giovanni Ribisi and even a lesser Baldwin.

      Although it doesn't cover any new territory in the "good cops gone kinda bad" genre, it's well written, solidly directed and Liotta's performance as a mildly corrupt cop fighting a serious gambling addiction all make it a very entertaining watch.

    • "Six Feet Under" co-star Rachel Griffiths mostly baring her bum, but also showing brief breast and pube views in this scene from "Among Giants" (1998).

    • Beautiful views of Sherilyn Fenn topless in scenes from 1993's "Boxing Helena".

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Passion of the Priest"
    You can shoot a movie on video (apparently), and wind up with a poor-quality DVD release that no one has heard of (not even listed in IMDB), yet still tell an excellent story with first-rate writing and acting. That's the case with this 2004 English drama.

    A young man is raised by Monks, and then chooses the priesthood. After several incidents, he finds himself questioning the church and their actions. When he publishes several articles critical of the church hierarchy, he ends up banished, loses his faith entirely, and leaves the church.

    He gets a job with a publication writing controversial columns, but falls in love with a flirtatious widow. When she scorns his proposal of marriage for an affair with his best friend, the ex-priest marries a former parishioner, but still loves and desires the widow, ruining the marriage.

    Things spiral downward into a tragic but interesting ending in this top-notch look at a man's life in both success and failure.

    Marcia Cross The "Desperate Housewives" star showing some leg and cleavage on Conan last week.

    Sharon Reed
    (1, 2, 3)

    A few more pics of the WOIO newscaster who stripped for ratings Monday night during the news. Check out the link with more info above in the Other Crap section.

    Alicia Keys The recent American Music Award winner elegantly displaying some cleavage on Leno.

    Barbara Carrera

    Leigh & Lynette Harris
    (1, 2)

    Scenes from the 1982 movie "I, the Jury".

    Former model turned actress and Bond Babe ("Never Say Never Again") Barbara Carrera looks simply stunning topless and lying fully nude in bed.

    Leigh & Lynette Harris co-star have bit parts as topless twins!

    Jennifer Tilly Showing off her mega-cleavage again...this time on Stern. I think those things have a better agent than Tilly does.

    Michelle Williams
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    "Dawson's Creek" made her famous, but when she removed her top and showed off her amazing natural breasts in a lesbian scene with Chloë Sevigny...well that's when we fell for her. Here she is with Chloë in scenes from the made for HBO movie "If These Walls Could Talk 2" (2000). Yep, it's a chick flick. However, it's still a very well made and enjoyable movie.

    Lia Montelongo
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    Robin Denise Brown
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    Señor Skin takes a look at small budget flick "Shower of Blood" (2004). I haven't seen it, but I love the name.

    Lia Montelongo has a rock hard bod which she built during her career as as personal trainer and fitness pageant model. Unfortunately, her silly-cones are also rock hard. Fake'uns are just fine, but I prefer it when they don't look like someone stuffed softballs under the skin.

    Robin Denise Brown is probably recognized by many as a former Pet o' the Month (April '92). Here we see her topless in all of these, with a hint of bum in #11, and plenty of fully nude teaser views.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    I'll Be Bach! - A Silicon Valley-based group called "Amend For Arnold" is running cable TV ads, promoting a Constitutional amendment to let foreign-born citizens be president so that Arnold Schwarzenegger can run. The ads say, "You cannot choose the land of your birth. You can choose the land you love."

  • And the land you want to TAKE OVAH!!

    I Noticed Nothing Unusual - Hollywood is buzzing about Anna Nicole Smith's weird, hyper, incoherent presenter's speech on the American Music Awards. There's gossip it may cost her job as spokeswoman for TrimSpa. Not that she's level-headed off-stage, either: a PETA source said that when she posed for them dressed as Marilyn Monroe, she told them she has a psychic connection to Marilyn and talks to her spirit.

  • Oh, so this is all Marilyn's fault!...Marilyn's ghost possessed her when she was woozy on tranquilizers!
  • She's now got a new endorsement deal: "Lithium, baby!"

    They'll Always Have Paris - The Star reports that Paris Hilton stormed out of Hugh Hefner's Halloween party at the Playboy Mansion, claiming that an actor dressed as a ghoul jumped out and grabbed her inappropriately as she was walking through a "haunted house." She complained to security, who told her that having someone jump out of the dark and grab her was part of the experience. She huffed into her limo and sped away.

  • Everyone knows people are are not allowed to grope her inappropriately unless a video camera is on!
  • That wasn't an actor made up like a walking corpse, it was Hugh Hefner.

    Moon June Loon - Britney Spears was so inspired by her honeymoon, she's written a "Honeymoon Poem" and posted it on her website for fans. A sample couplet: "A meal, a shower and some ice cream/Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!" She goes on to rhyme "smilin'" with "island."

  • As in "My hubby keeps me smilin', so I bought him his own island."
  • I threw my ice cream up, you know what I mean?
  • She should give up singing and become a poet; she's so much better at it.