Underworld (1996) is billed at IMDb as a comedy thriller. I can nearly understand the thriller part, but, if it is indeed a comedy, I just didn't get it. During the opening credits, we have gratuitous breast exposure from a lingerie model, intercut with several machine gun massacres. Evidently, this all takes place in some alternate universe without police. After a stroll through gratuitous topless showgirls, we are introduced to the two main characters, Johnny Crown (Denis Leary) and Frank Gavilan (Joe Mantegna). Crown was just released from prison, and is taking advantage of father's day to kill everyone he feels is remotely responsible for the brain death of his father.

Gavilan meets him as requested, and goes with him in his limo. Other than the odd mass murder break, including one in the limo, the rest of the film is filled with endless psycho-babble, where we learn that Crown and Gavilan have known each other for a long time, that Crown and Gavilan are not their real names, and that Gavilan is looking for someone named Richard Essex. Then there is a delightful little episode where a bunch of thugs watch a stripper and shoot up a bar out of boredom, then kill each other. All of this is planned by Crown, who also enjoys playing with some, but not all, of his victims before they meet their demise. Crown also tries to cause a reconciliation between Gavilan and his estranged wife (Annabella Sciorra). Watch for Abe Vigoda as Galivan's father, and Tracy Lords as a singer.

We have breasts from Heidi Schanz as the lingerie model, breasts and buns from stripper Tracey Mannen, and breasts from three showgirls credited as Christine Anthony, Thomasina Grieve and Diana Vlaskalic, but with no way to tell them apart. IMDB readers have this at 4.4 of 10. I suppose the hook is supposed to be wondering what will happen to Galivan, and will Richard Essex ever be found. Comments compare the style to Tarrentino, but not favorably. This is a D.

Some may have noticed some common threads in the last few projects. They all come from the same boxed set, all involve crime in some way, all have nudity, and all are somewhere between not very good and godawfull. All are passable 4/3 transfers, and none are available seperately.

  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails

  • Heidi Schanz (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Showgirls (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Tracey Mannen (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Alfie (2004):

    The original swingin' London version of Alfie was the vehicle that carried Michael Caine to stardom, and a career that would result in nearly three million more movie roles.

    Why anyone felt a remake was appropriate is way beyond my capacity of understanding. But they made one. I think if you read my review and Tuna's at The Movie House, you get the right perspective on the film. This is one movie where I feel that our site has the best review available. There's nothing wrong with it at all, and it has its moments. I mean at least it doesn't star fuckin' Affleck, and it has some nice nudity.

    But when I finished it, I thought, "Why did they think I would like to spend a couple of hours of my life watching that?"

    I still don't know that answer.

    Competent, but dull, and anachronistic.

    • Sienna Miller (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
    • Jane Krakowski (1, 2)



    The L-Word:

    Today we caught up to the March 20 Episode.

    Prior to this scene, the second season of L-Word had been quite tame, but this got them back on track. Very hot sex scene between Erin Daniels and Katherine Moennig. Zipped .wmv



    Other Crap:


    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at


    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Jr's Polls
    This week's poll is another look at a poll from a few years ago...
    Best Sex Scene
    We're talking mainstream movies! No skinemax or adult stuff.

    Here is a short list of nominees (including most of the nominees from when we first ran this poll).

    Denise Richards, Neve Campbell, and Matt Dillon in "Wild Things"
    Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas in "Basic Instinct"
    Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke "9 ½ Weeks"
    Kathleen Turner and William Hurt in "Body Heat"
    Ellen Barkin and Dennis Quaid "The Big Easy"
    Rebecca DeMornay and Tom Cruise in "Risky Business"
    Jessica Lange and Jack Nicholson on the table in "The Postman Always Rings Twice"
    Rene Russo and Pierce Brosnan in "The Thomas Crown Affair"
    Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton in "Monster's Ball"
    Hudson Leick and Ryan Alosio in "Denial"
    Madonna and Willem Dafoe "Body of Evidence"
    Julianne Moore and Mark Wahlberg in "Boogie Nights"
    Demi Moore and Rob Lowe in "About Last Night"
    Glenn Close and Michael Douglas in "Fatal Attraction"
    Maria Schneider and Marlon Brando in "Last Tango in Paris"
    Jennifer Jason Leigh and Robert Romanus in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"
    Antonio Banderas and Angelina Jolie in "Original Sin"
    Carré Otis and Mickey Rourke in "Wild Orchid"
    Laetitia Casta and Joaquín Cortés in "Gitano"
    Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland in "Don't Look Now"
    Jane March and Tony Leung in "The Lover"
    Jane March and Bruce Willis in "Color of Night"
    Béatrice Dalle and Jean-Hugues Anglade in "37°2 le matin" ("Betty Blue")
    Kerry Fox and Mark Rylance in "Intimacy"
    Caroline Ducey and Rocco Siffredi in "Romance"

    Email Scoopy Jr. with more nominees, comments or suggestions.

    Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
    The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
    The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
    The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
    Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
    Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
    Best All Time Television Comedy
    Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance.

    Crimson Ghost
    NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    First up from the Ghost today....

    Here is Peggy Sands aka Peggy Sanders aka former Heffer Peggy McIntaggart going topless in scenes from the 1990 movie "Far Out Man", written by, directed by and starring Tommy Chong.

    Next up, B-babe Lisa Boyle topless in one of her early and uncredited roles. Scenes from "When the Bullet Hits the Bone" (1995).

    Last up from the Ghost, a couple of 'caps and clips from the absolute stink fest that is "House of the Dead" (2003).

    Scoop and I were just talking about this the other day. Here is a movie that NOBODY liked. Everyone from the top critics all the way to the die-hard horror fans hated this movie. In fact it currently ranks at #33 on the IMDb bottom 100. Yet somehow, director Uwe Boll was not only allowed to show his face in Hollywood again, but he was given a bigger budget, a couple of semi-stars (Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff) and distribution on over 2100 screens for his follow up stink fest "Alone in the Dark" (2005).

    "Alone in the Dark" did even worse at the box office, and is currently #22 on the IMDb bottom 100! Yup, you read that right! In 2 years one guy has made two movies that rank as some of the worst ever! But has that stopped him? NO! He is currently in post production on one film ("Bloodrayne") and is already slated to direct two more movies in 2006!

    Our conclusion...this dude has something on somebody. Dirty pics, drugs, hookers...something. Or perhaps he's just a member of the Stonecutters. After all, they made Steve Guttenberg a star.

    On to the nudity...

    "Smallville" co-star Erica Durance aka Erica Parker goes topless and shows thong views. Sonya Salomaa is also topless.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "800 Bullets"
    Part modern comedy, and part spaghetti western, this 2002 Spanish production has the best of both, and is very entertaining.

    A young man steals his mother's credit card and takes off to search for his long-lost father. To do this, he must go to Almeria, where his grandfather, an alcoholic one-time stunt double to Clint Eastwood is staging elaborate Western shows for tourists on abandoned film sets.

    Rumors say the old man accidentally caused his son's death doing a dangerous stunt. As the kid grows close to his grandfather, they join forces to fight the rich landowners who want to turn the old sets into a modern (non-Western) amusement park.

    Well done, and lots of fun.

    Mischa Barton
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    I make no promises, but these are supposed to be paparazzi pics of "The O.C." star in a bikini. There are a couple of things to point out here:
    1.We do not clearly see her face.
    2.For a girl this young and skinny, she has a lot of cellulite.
    3.Links 7 and 8 feature side breast views.

    Kristen Johnston From the "Whatever happened to..." files. Here is the former co-star of "3rd Rock from the Sun" in lingerie and showing cleavage as 'Ivana Humpalot' in scenes from "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me". She's been out of the spotlight for a couple of years, but look for her later this year in the movie version of the comedy series "Strangers with Candy". Thanks to Twitchy for the 'caps.

    Elsa Pataky
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

    Flautista 'caps of the Spanish beauty baring breasts and bum in scenes from "Romasanta" (2004).

    Shannon Lucio
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    Genevieve Howard
    Bianca Lishansky
    (1, 2)

    DeadLamb serves up some of the highlights from the recent made for TV silliness called "Spring Break Shark Attack". Plenty of bikini 'caps and some cleavage her and there. Some folks may recognize Shannon Lucio from "The O.C.". The other two aren't even listed in the IMDb.

    Joanna Cassidy
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    Señor Skin 'caps of Cassidy topless in one of the best sci-fi movies of all time (and #96 in the IMDb top 250), "Blade Runner" (1982).

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    The Blanche Dubois Of Motown - Monday, for the second time in two weeks, Michael Jackson appeared late in court. This time, he was just a few minutes late and he was fully dressed, but he hobbled slowly into court, accompanied by brother Jackie and a bodyguard who helped him ease into a chair, and by a doctor in scrubs. He sat trembling, suddenly grabbed a wad of tissues and began sobbing, and was excused to the bathroom, returning after a 45-minute delay. Speculation is that he was suffering back pain.

  • Or possibly a fatal case of drama-queenitis.
  • He refused to return until the prosecutors promised to stop saying mean things about him.
  • The doctor was in scrubs in case Michael needed emergency plastic surgery.
  • He's trying to convey to the jury that he can't survive prison...Heck, he can't even survive the trial!

    Wrong Shade Of Red!! - Mariah Carey reportedly arrived at the Bagloni Hotel in London at 2 a.m., and her entourage was appalled to find that not all of her elaborate demands had been met. Workers were roused from sleep so they could roll out a red carpet to keep her shoes from touching the sidewalk, and set up specific types of white candles on either side. Her limo circled for half an hour until all was perfect, so she and her eight bodyguards could make a big entrance in front of cheering fans and hotel staffers.

  • The hardest demand for the hotel to meet was to find cheering fans.
  • Oops, someone mysteriously spilled SuperGlue all over the red carpet...
  • Now, I can see why she needs eight bodyguards.

  • A quick site note
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