Troy (2004) was reviewed brilliantly by Scoopy. He goes into great detail about how the plot never claimed to be about a specific book or portion thereof by Homer, and was in fact a synthesis of all Homeric legends. No argument from me. He praises what so many critics condemned, an attempt to temper the story with logic and real human emotions, for instance:
Nobody went to Troy to rescue Helen. Her husband wanted to off the bitch for betraying him, and his brother had always wanted to kick the shit out of the Trojans. The soldiers went where they were ordered to go.
The seers guessed wrong every time.
Nudity was very scarce, especially for an R rated film. We have buns from Diane Kruger, side of hip from Rose Byrne, and buns from one unknown, a breast from another.
Scoops conclusion bears repeating.
"Based on this description, this is a C. It's an OK movie, but you have to love this kind of spectacle to sit through this 163 minute movie and enjoy the entire experience. If aren't predisposed to like that kind of entertainment, the human side of the story is insufficient and sometimes implausible."
I do not like "This kind of spectacle." It was not good history, it was not faithful to the literature, and the dialogue was just plain terrible. Yes, it is a C. If this is your kind of film, it hits all of its marks eventually. I will not be rewatching it this lifetime.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Resident Evil: Apocalypse
The first question you have to ask yourself is, "why
did they make a sequel to a movie with an average review of one star
out of four?"
Here's what I wrote about the previous Resident Evil
"If the people who liked the movie said it was
brain-dead unoriginal nonsense, you can imagine what the others
said. And you can deduce that you will not like it unless you
believe that frenetic action, cool sets, and loud noises are enough
to make up for incoherence, stupidity, and unoriginality."
You think that was too negative? Turns out I was Mr.
Charitable. Here's what Tuna wrote about the previous Resident Evil
this one rather more than I did. As it was clearly not required of
the script to make sense, they had room for infinite creativity, but
managed none. To me, it is a slickly made piece of junk. It made me
yearn for something much more exciting, like watching my hard drive
So why a sequel? Well, money of course. I guess maybe they thought this was
the time of destiny for zombie movies. After all 2003-2004 has been
the golden age of zombie flicks. Before that, I can't remember ever
liking any movie featuring people who used to be dead. It used to be a
fundamental principle of the film universe:
Scoopy's Unity of the Undead,
aka Unity 17, aka The Captain Corelli rule. "A resurrection is
an indication of a bad movie, whether it
involves Jesus, zombies, or people presumed dead. There has never been
a good movie with more than one resurrection." This principle
includes movies with Jesus, movies in which a character presumed
dead is actually alive, or movies with zombies or vampires. From the original Dracula to George Romero's
movies to Captain Corelli's Mandolin and the Jesus Chainsaw
Massacre, resurrections may have brought life to characters, but
they have brought certain death to movie quality. That was basically until 2003
came along and turned the universe on its ear. Scoopy's Unity
of the Undead is now dead itself, merely a former law, cast aside as
Einstein cast aside the Newtonian world, overthrown in the last year
or so by a few decent zombie movies knit together in a tight
chronological pattern: Dawn of the Dead, Shawn of the Dead, 28 Days Later.
Yeah, maybe it was pre-ordained by fate that zombie
movies should turn the corner in 2003-2004, but Resident Evil: Apocalypse was a notable exception.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Roger
Ebert liked this movie any more than I did:
"The movie is an utterly meaningless waste of time.
There was no reason to produce it, except to make money, and there
is no reason to see it, except to spend money. It is a dead zone, a
film without interest, wit, imagination or even entertaining
violence and special effects."
OK, maybe I was wrong. He did seem to enjoy it. Ebert
also zoomed in wittily on the quintessential logical fallacy of the
"In a scene where several characters are fighting
zombies inside a church, the renegade scientist comes to the rescue
by crashing her motorcycle through a stained-glass window and
landing in the middle of the fight. This inspires the question: How
did she know what was on the other side of the window? Was she
crashing through the stained glass on spec?"
Roger was not significantly more negative than the
other reviewers in America. So maybe they liked it in England? Nah.
In fact, the critical reviews in the U.K. are just about the worst
I've seen since I started keeping track of such things. The only
film in the same league is the earlier Resident Evil movie.
Yet, astoundingly, thanks to some hype and the fact
that no top movies opened opposite it, Resident Evil: Apocalypse
briefly took the #1 spot in America with an opening weekend of $23
Whenever the critics and the mass audiences
disagree, I almost invariably find myself on the side of the general
public. Not this time. This film deserved every bit of the critical savaging,
and worse. The box office success is absolutely amazing, because
this flick is not just sorta bad, it's an abomination. Watching this
movie is exactly the same as watching the screen when other people
are playing video games. The MPAA title screen says it is rated "R
for non-stop violence." I've never seen them use that verbiage
before, but they have a point. The film basically consists of people
stalking shadows through dark alleys and corridors, followed by
zombies grunting and growling outside of locked doors, followed by
armed guys blowing away mass quantities of zombies with automatic
weapons. Then we see lots of fires and explosions. Then we see guys
looking at computer screens with numbers changing rapidly, possibly
to see their scores and how many "lives" they have remaining.
As you might guess, the IMDB scores are skewed
toward ... well, toward people who find it entertaining to watch
others play video games. Here's the breakdown by age:
|Aged below 18
|Aged 45 or more
The film must set a record for one thing: greatest zombie
variety. There are regular old-fashioned movie zombies that just
mill around the streets mumbling and hanging their arms loose, but
there are also super-powered zombies, and kung-fu zombies, and
zombies with long tongues, and zombies who are heavily armed, and
zombies who rise from their graves, and zombie pets, and topless
zombie hookers, and I don't know what all. I think there were even
good guy zombies. I think there may even have been some musical
Caribbean zombies singing Apo-calypso songs.
"Daylight come and me wan' go tomb".
Suffice it to say that we are faced with an astoundingly and
confusingly rich variety of zombies.
"Fat zombies, skinny zombies, zombies who climb on
Tough zombies, sissy zombies, even zombies with chicken
I don't know whether they all love Armour Hot Dogs, but we truly
have a Zombie for All Seasons.
Other than that record-setting variety of zombie types, this film
has just about nothing going for it.
... unless you like to see Milla Jovovich naked.
... and topless zombie hookers.
Hey, now that I think about it ... those are not a bad couple of
reasons to watch a movie.
Oh, to tell you the truth, it doesn't really bother me that such
a woeful movie was such a success. There are a lot of different
movie audiences out there, and this one was very successful at
finding its target consumers and delivering what they wanted. Only
one thing bothers me. If this sucker makes a healthy profit (which
it probably will, after all the revenue streams flow out), it will;
spawn more video games and we can look forward to at least one more
theatrical movie sequel. If that one does well, even more games and
movies. Even if the next film does not do well, it will spawn some
straight-to-vid sequels. That's a lot more of these to look forward
to. That may not bother most of you, because you can simply avoid
them, but if they have nudity, I'll have to watch them sumbitches!
Various short, zipped .wmv
MSNBC - The 10 worst films of the year
USA TODAY - Top 10 movies of 2004. "In the interest of
full disclosure, the comedy I laughed hardest at this year was
Team America: World Police, a movie you will not see on many
10-best lists, mine included."
The official site for Hide & Seek - play a game, then see a new
trailer. (The game itself is just another kind of
trailer.) "In this terrifying suspense-thriller with DeNiro and
Dakota Fanning, a widowed father desperately tries to break
through to his nine year old daughter when she creates a creepy,
maniacal imaginary friend … who may or may not be real."
A rock video made to the music of "Team America: Fuck Yeah."
(Pretty damned funny.)
Meet the Fockers kills at the Weekend Box Office
- Fockers dropped only 7% from last week's pinnacle, and had
the 14th best second weekend of all time. It not only had the
best New Years Day in history, but it beat the old record by
- National Treasure, in its seventh weekend, went UP 76% over
- The Aviator did a very solid $6000 per screen
- Phantom of the Opera showed some signs of life, with $7700
Dave Barry writes his farewell column: "'I want to stop
before I join the horde of people who think I used to be funnier"
Lindsay Lohan. The good news, she lost twenty pounds. The bad
news: she's now 30 years old. Lindsay really joins the
fast lane, partying on New Years with the Hiltons.
Here's a new clip of Kevin Spacey as Bobby Darin in Beyond the
Sea. This clip kinda sucks. Looks like an old episode
of I Love Lucy. But Spacey's impersonation of Darin's singing is
Four new clips from The Assassination of Richard Nixon,
featuring Sean Penn as a malcontent who hated the U.S.
President. Whoa! There's a stretch for Penn, eh?
Wither the home video market? Analyst says Blockbuster
and Netflix are headed to the elephant graveyard together.
Kirsten Dunst, America's Sweetheart, loses her top. In color this
Tsunami "may be Sweden's Sept. 11" - 3500 vacationing Swedes
- Groupies tell all:
Jay-Z 's manhood is 'the biggest you will ever see in your life.
Huge. Like a one-liter Pepsi bottle. It could block out the sun.'"
Professional comedians name the 20 best comedians of all time.
Important Photoshop Tips: fake cumshots.
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
|A quick site note
Hey gang, we invite you to check out our new affiliate program at Scoopycash.com.
If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!
|"The O.C" co-star covered in something reveaing. My guess is some kind of skin tight latex. Here she is in scenes from "La Lengua asesina" aka "The Killer Tongue" (1996). In links 5,6 and 9 we actually see the killer tongue!
|Part 1 of Vejiita's 'caps featuring the women from the Mexican Movie "El Tigre de Santa Julia".
Comments by Vejiita.
The movie is about a boy that comes to the city and enlists in the army, but he finds out the army is not helping people at all. After
being shot by his own captain, he goes back to the city where he meets a writer. When the writer sees the boy help a woman, he writes in the paper about this misterious guy who is helping the poor people and he becomes a legend, kind like The Zorro.
After that, and with the help of the writer, he forms a band of renegades. However, after a bad incident with 2 men, he ends up recruiting only women. Cristina Michaus plays the woman he helps first, Isaura Espinoza plays his aunt (yes he sleeps with his aunt), Ivonne Montero plays a girl who wants El Tigre so she joins his band, Anilu Pardo plays a woman who help El Tigre went he came back to the city and Iran Castillo is his love interest.
'Caps and comments by Spaz:
First up, a quick bit of fact checking.
Subject: Tereza Brettschneidrova from "EuroTrip".
They spelled Tereza's name wrong in the Eurotrip credits. She is either Tereza Brettschneiderova or Tereza Brettschneidrova.
She is a hefmag Czechmate (Czech Republic edition, July 2003), has at least one hardcore photoshoot circulating on the internet, and had a role in Vin Diesel's "xXx" which was removed entirely from the movie after she mouthed off to him.
Here are few links with more info about the Chech babe.
An article about her with a few quotes and vital stats.
Stats and a couple of topless pics.
Moving on to today's goodies....
"Hide and Go Shriek" (1988)
Typical slasher from that era. Every time someone has
sex somebody gets butchered.
"Frankenstein General Hospital" (1988)
Franken-comedy starring Mark Blankfield best known as the
crazed pharmacist from Fridays.
"Deadly Breed" (1989)
Bad action saved by one of the best panty crotch shots I ever came across.
- Michelle Berger: cameltoe calisthenic shot, boobs in sex scene.
"Midnight Warrior" (1989)
Another bad action movie.
"Monster High" (1989)
Horror sex comedy with almost every bad monster cliche in the book.
|In case you missed these yesterday...looks like these are the real deal! The paparazzi caught the "Spider-Man" star falling out of her bikini top while she was on vacation.
|A personal favorite of mine (and Brainscan's). Here she is doing a little sunbathing. Link #1 has a a partial breast view, links 2-4 show a little bit o' bum.