Easy (2003) is a romantic comedy, Hollywood formula style. Marguerite Moreau has always been sexually available, but finds love a lot harder to attain than sex. She lands a date with he old poetry professor, Naveen Andrews, and is admonished by her sister not to sleep with him, because it will end up chasing him off. She does anyway, and it looks like she finally has the relationship of her dreams. Meanwhile, she meets Irish Comic Talk Show host Brian F. O'Byrne, who clearly is falling for her. So much for the "boy meets girl" first act.

In act two, Andrew's ex returns, and Moreau takes a vow of chastity. She finally decides to get together with O'Byrne, whom she has become good friends with, then sees him with another woman. Act three, of course, is where we get to happily ever after.

Moreau shows breasts and buns. IMDb scores this at 3.5 of 10, which is way too low, especially given that the average vote is 5.5. The voting indicates chick flick, teenybopper division, yet I enjoyed it. I loved Moreau, believed her relationships, and laughed out loud several times. The plot is not extraordinary, so your enjoyment of the film will relate directly to how much or little you like the characters. This is a C-, but one I enjoyed.

Ultimate Desires (1992):

This film is also known as Silhouette, Silhouette de la Mort,  and Beyond the Silhouette

... but a bog by any other name would smell as peat ...

Y'know, there are really only two things wrong with this erotic thriller.

• It's not erotic.

• It's not thrilling

Apart from that ...

Well, frankly, apart from that it still sucks.

I watched it to see the nudity from Tracy Scoggins of Bab 5.

The thriller part involves some secret group of illuminati who get together in a well-appointed board room and plan to start a new cold war. I think their basic strategy is to assassinate the President of the United States and blame it on the Russians, so that they can ... um ... do some evil stuff that can't be done unless that happens. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but it must be really evil because they can't see one another's faces in their nifty board room, although there doesn't seem to be any point to that, since they seem to know one another.

Beastmaster is a member of the evil brotherhood, and Leon the Replicant is kind of their sadistic enforcer or something.

The "plot" involves a brooch which keeps getting stolen and lost throughout the film. It seems to be more than a brooch, but rather some kind of smart chip that includes ... well ... plenty of top-drawer evil information, you can be sure of that. Yessireebob.

In their pursuit of the brooch, the illuminati whack a 'tute, and this ultimately causes the hooker's defense attorney, a naive and idealistic public servant (Tracy Scoggins) to end up with the all-powerful knick-knack. Tracy plays a feckless and shy person who can't even get her landlord to fix a kitchen light switch which triggers the fire alarm throughout her entire apartment building. He fixes it the same way Henny Youngman's doctor fixed the comedian's painful arm  - "Don't use that switch." (Are you paying attention? This is going to be important.)

Anyway, there is only one way she can figure out what is going on with the brooch: by going on all the hooker's dates ...

Of course, there doesn't seem to be any good reason WHY she would want to find out what is going on. She could just give the brooch to the cops, but -  what the hell - I guess life as a public defender is pretty damned boring, so she likes the idea of posing as a hooker so she can get slapped around and sodomized by lowlifes and Japanese businessmen.

Eventually Leon the Evil Replicant figures out that Tracy has the brooch, gets it from her at her apartment, and is just about to kill her sadistically when - (can you guess it?) - he turns on the light so he can enjoy watching her die. Bad move, oh, evil one! (I told you it would be important.) Within five seconds this brings the police, the national guard, the fire department, several boy scout troops in search of firefighting merit badges, and an angry landlord rapping on her door - thus sparing her life.

The end?

Not even close.

It should be the end, shouldn't it? The evil guys have their brooch, and there is no more reason for them to fuck around with Tracy, because she doesn't have any idea who they are, unless she has seen Blade Runner. The movie should end there.

Except that it is an erotic thriller, and we are 70 minutes into it with no sign of any naked human flesh, although all the female characters are prostitutes and several scenes take place in a strip club.

So then Tracy picks up the slack. Come to think of it, she doesn't pick up much of the slack. She takes a fully dressed shower and has some modest, demure sex with Beastmaster. Although he is a Dr. Evil kind of dude bent on world domination and she's pretending to be a hooker, the sex is about what you'd see between Rock Hudson and Doris Day, except she does manage to show her chalupas briefly.

Then the illuminati all double-cross each other, or something.

Now it's the end.

• Tracy Scoggins (1, 2)

UPDATE: new volume for Tracy Scoggins

She appeared briefly in a see-through top in an obscure 1984 film (which Tuna captured beautifully, as usual). She was already 30 at the time. She then spent a few years on commercial TV, which kept her from doing any topless scenes. By the time she wandered back into films, she was already in her late thirties, and that was the brief period when she did all of her nudity (1988-1993). Her return to broadcast TV, starting with "Lois and Clark" ended her nudity, but by that time she was already 40, so there wasn't going to be a great future in erotic thrillers anyway, despite a chest which was still impressive.

You know her best as Captain Lochley of Babylon 5.

She's back in movies again now, but since she is 50 something years old, it's a reasonable guess that she's going to keep her shirt on unless she develops a severe case of Mimi Rogers Syndrome.

Her career has spurred a brand new volume in the Encyclopedia, Volume S. Check it out. (Highlighted in yellow)

Other Crap:

• EBay Sued in California Over Bidding Practices
• Actor Tom Sizemore was told on Thursday to either beat his addiction to methamphetamine or die from it. Prosecutors said Sizemore, 43, had failed court-imposed drug testing seven times this month alone --- and he's living in a drug treatment center!!!
• Claim: R&B singer Ciara was once a man. Status: False.
• Tom Cruise set up a scientology tent on the set of War of the Worlds. Science fiction and scientology? Should they be together? I mean, one of them is completely fabricated nonsense suitable only for amusement.
• A preview of Chris Rock's Oscar riffs. It turns out that David Spade is NOT helping Chris write material. It seems that rumor was started by ... anybody? ... anybody? ... Bueller?
• Tired of seeing all those same actresses win the awards? Judy Dench, step aside. Next years best actress could be .... Vinny Barbarino.
• The Colorado Legislature in action: "'If you try that again, I'll ram my fist up your ass,' Republican Bill Cadman told his Democratic colleague, Val Vigil, at Vigil's desk during the morning session". The headline writer for ther Rocky Mountain News wrote "Bottom line: A crack in decorum. Rumpus on floor of Colorado House comes to a bitter end."
• Two new clips from the presumed 2005 Oscar winner, D.E.B.S. Get this - it's a T&A film rated PG-13.
• Moviefone: Into the Blue Movie Trailer Premiere - stars Jessica Alba in a bikini. "'Into the Blue' is a high-stakes thriller set in the deep, shark-infested waters of the Bahamas. When young divers discover the wreckage of a cargo plane at the bottom of the sea, they believe their dream of buried treasure has come true. What they don't realize is that millions of dollars of illegal goods are in that sunken plane and a group of dangerous criminals are already desperately searching for it. As tensions mount and the friends begin to fight about what to do with their find, others get closer to discovering their secret - and the treasure hunters quickly become the hunted."
• Here is the trailer for the new IMAX film - Sharks 3D. This is the closest you will ever get to experiencing a live feeding frenzy, unless of course you have had lunch with Charles Barkley.
• The full trailer for the remake of The Amityville Horror. You can officially add Ryan Reynolds to the list of very funny guys who refuse to be funny because they want to be, as Louis DePalma would say, "great ac-TORS."
• J.Lo admits that she is, in fact, married. In an unexpected twist, she also admitted her singing sucks and she continued with "what is the deal with my butt, anyway? Damn thing is so big and so riddled with cellulite that Brian Dennehy keeps trying to claim it."
• MILLIONS OF FRENCHMEN CELEBRATE END TO ‘FREEDOM FRIES’ Cries of ‘Vive Bush!’ Heard Throughout Paris
  • "I was angry at President Bush for invading Iraq," said accordion player Fernand Daubigny, 37. "But this more than makes up for it."
  • According to a new survey, Mr. Bush garnered a whopping 92% approval rating in France, compared to 89% for singer Edith Piaf and 84% for actor Jerry Lewis.
• Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left On Paris Hilton's Cell Phone
  • 10. "You probably don't remember me, but we had sex about 3 weeks ago."
  • 6. "It's Bill Clinton. I've been meaning to call you for some time."
  • 5. "Hey it's Pauly Shore--thanks for getting my name in the newspaper."
  • 4. "Sorry I missed you, you must be at work...just kidding."
  • 2. "You have a collect call from Dave Letterman, will you accept?"
• Bookies have stopped taking bets on Jamie Foxx winning the best actor Oscar for Ray. A spokesman for Ladbrokes said: 'There's no point betting when he's almost a certainty.'"
• Tom Arnold will be the new James Bond! OK, kidding again. I hope they name the new Bond soon, because I'm running out of silly alternative candidates. The real story linked here: James Bond faces castration in the new movie.
• The Daily Show shows how to continue your e-mail after the Rapture.
• Some crazy bastards make a flamethrower with a squirt gun and windshield wiper fluid. (It works remarkably well.)
• eBay offer of the day: Custom made Wheelchair Snow Plow
• "Whether you are on a hiking trip, day trip, athletic event, between classes, or at a board meeting, the BananaBunker will keep your fruit safe until you are ready to snack."
• VIDEO: "Coast guard training that doesn't quite go as planned."
• I didn't know that! Thanks to a reader for pointing out that Christian Slater's mother-in-law is Dayle Haddon, former actress (North Dallas Forty), SI swimsuit cover model, and Hef pictorial person
• Why Payton Manning's younger brother isn't as effective.
• Another positive report from an advance screening of the Adam Sandler remake of The Longest Yard. The linked website asks the right question: "Could this movie be fun or are all the reviews we've been getting over the last couple of months plants?"
• Paris Hilton update: Topless Paris Hilton lesbian pictures posted on the web do not mean she likes girls that way. After her last home porno tape cae out, she said she didn't like sex. I know one thing she does like: seeing her name in print.
• Mad scientist Jeb Bush and his brain in a bottle.
• Time traveler brings back magazine from the future: 'Hell Freezes Over. Cubs Win 2105 World Series.' For some reason, the Magazine Publishers Association believes that there will still be magazines in the future.
• GALLUP: Hillary Clinton's Gender Advantage. Overall, Senator Clinton has a neutral perception among men (48 positive, 48 negative), but carries a +21 margin among females of voting age. It is not known precisely how this would translate into votes.
• Entrepreneur is making a go of the Rejection Hotline. My ex-wife had a girlfriend who worked as a flight attendant, and she always gave persistent assholes the phone number of her local dial-a-prayer.
• Star: "10 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HILARY SWANK" The most surprising: she speaks fluent Phoenician, although she doesn't know what she is saying.
• Minghella announces his unteenth remake of The English Patient. He is still deciding which war to place this one within. His decision will hinge on the availability of uniforms. Just kidding. Unbelievably enough, the plot doesn't sound at all like The Cold, Patient English Mountain.
• Weekly World News: "NYPD PINK!
  Plan to change color of NY cop uniforms to project a kinder, gentler image."
• Ski Enceladus - one of Saturn's moons is like a giant snowball
• Movie star Christian Slater has filed for divorce from Ryan Haddon, his wife of five years
• Astronomers find a galaxy without stars. It's filled with cheese shops without ... Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?
• Possible spoilers: Well, if you care about such stuff, here's 80 frames and just about the whole story of the new STAR WARS flick.
• Tom Cruise with his new love, the lady The Sun calls Sofia Viagra
• Twenty one free movies that have nothing to do with Glen Gould: Gushing cunts 1-21. Don't miss #21, which brings all the plot threads back together, and explains why the murdered lawyer's hair was wet.

  SPOILER ALERT:

  It involves a gushing cunt.

  END SPOILER

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s

Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.

Who has the best bum in Hollywood?

Email Scoopy Jr. with nominees, comments or suggestions.

Today from the Ghost...3 babes gettin' it on in scenes from the "Ex-Girlfriends" episode of the late night cable series "Love Street".

• Angelina High (zipped .wmv) , robo-hooters and full frontal views.

• Elizabeth Kaitan (zipped .wmv), the 80's and 90's B-movie regular topless and baring her bum in a pseudo sex scene that can only be described as "too silly". Constant rolling around, falling off the bed over and over, etc.

• Kelly Lawman (zipped .wmv), sport humping in the sauna. She's very limber.

• Erin Daniels
• Jennifer Beals
• Katherine Moennig
• Mia Kirshner (1, 2)
• Sarah Shahi

Seduction of Lyn Carter
Andrea True appeared in over 60 adult movies beginning in 1970, but "The Seduction of Lyn Carter" was her defining role. She never looked better or acted with more conviction. The movie was released in 1974 which was the early days of the Golden Age of Porn, but this film is nevertheless a classic and is regarded by many as one of the top 100 films of the period.

One year after the release of this movie, Andrea True burst upon the music scene as a popular singer with a disco album that featured the hit song "More, More, More (How Do You Like It)" and she followed that up with another album before coming down with an illness that severely effected her vocal cords. She retired from the adult business in 1983 and moved back to her home in Nashville where she worked as an astrologer while doing community work in the area.

The movie was originally released in an 84 minute adult theatrical version which these caps were taken from. It was later re-edited to 76 minute home video film. There are several things of note for anyone who can find the movie to watch. First there are only five people in the cast and Andrea and Jamie Gillis are practically having non-stop sex from most of the film so it's a real treat from fans of Andrea. Second, the movie reflects the 70's period in many ways including the psychedelic wallpaper on the main set and watching Andrea get stoned on one puff of a joint. The movie lists the spelling as Lyn (not Lynn) although many historians of the period (and the boxcover of the movie) refer to the incorrect spelling.

• Andrea True (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

"Gun-Shy"
This 2003 thriller from Germany provides a shocking ending in the last 20 seconds, and a decent enough ride along the way.

Lukas has a job with social services delivering food to the elderly. He's a nice enough young man, but very shallow and insecure, with no girl friend. One day while on a bus, a beautiful young woman drops a note in his lap asking for help.

Once he catches up to her, they start a weird on-again off-again romance as she flits in and out of his life. But the bigger problem is that Lukas, falling very much love, finds that she has many, many flaws, and perhaps a very cold heart.

Cool thriller, and the last 20 seconds will send you into shock.

• Lavinia Wilson

Scoops,
Do you know if anyone has 'caps of the new "Hillside Strangler" movie that stars Ms. Daniel? Apparently she has a number of scenes where she shows us "never before seen" parts of her...

-Freaky

Jr's reply:
According to what I've read online, Daniel does bare breasts and bum and has a sex scene, a shower scene and a 3-way scene. However, it seems that this movie does not have a distributor yet, and is only playing at film festivals.

SEAN CONNERY SUED FOR BEING RUDE
He Feels Like Alex Trebek - Dr. Burton Sultan of Manhattan is suing his upstairs neighbor Sean Connery for $30 million, alleging he's a bully who's trying to force Sultan's family out of the six-story Tudor townhouse they share. Sultan says Connery is the source of constant noise, water leaks, foul fumes and a rat infestation; is nearly $16,000 behind in maintenance and utility payments; and harasses his family by playing loud music at all hours and "stomping about." When Sultan's daughter once asked him to keep it down, he cursed her and slammed the door in her face. The lawsuit says, "Connery's appearance and behavior was that of a rude, foul-mouthed, fat old man."