Tuesday

Gwendolyn (1984):

This B-movie classic is now available on Region 1 DVD. (It took long enough!)

Tuna reviewed this already, so I won't repeat his plot summary. His comments are excellent, and include some captures, so catch them at the Movie House, then return here. I'm not going to duplicate his nudity collages unknowns, so you can review those in the back issues - March 29th - if you are interested.

On to the point:

Gwendoline has its weak points, and I'll get to those in a minute, but it has one truly extraordinary strength. It had the most exotic and beautiful photography ever seen in a soft-core erotic film up until that point. Just Jaecklin had a wonderful visual imagination, and he knew how to get the optimal mileage from his cinematographers. (Emmanuelle, The Story of O  and Gwendoline had three different cinematographers, although all three films look splendid.) Jaecklin outdid himself in this one. In fact, it seemed that he was trying to create as many different types of locales as possible, just to show off. The story starts in the teeming streets of the port of Singapore, proceeds to an exotic bordello and casino, thence to sinuous tropical rivers lined dramatically by palm trees, thence to thick African-style jungle inhabited by exotic tribes, thence to dramatic desert scapes, and finally to an imaginary underground kingdom filled with campy Art Deco architecture and stylized machines. There is even a chariot race, ala Ben-Hur, except with the "horses" consisting of leather-clad B&D chicks! All sections are photographed well, and the visual story-telling can be outstanding. The first five minutes of the film set up the entire premise with nary a word of narrative nor expository dialogue, just by showing the necessary incidents with compact camera movement and a bit of editing. Orson Welles and Steven Spielberg would tip their hats to the effectiveness of the wordless exposition. Indeed, Jaecklin pulled off a credible homage to Spielberg's Raiders of the Lost Ark, which clearly inspired this film. Gwendoline may have been the most professionally imagined and filmed soft-core of all time until Jean-Jacques Annaud filmed The Lover and raised the bar so high it may never again be cleared.

Gwendoline's storyline and dialogue can be fun as well, so I have no quarrel with Tuna's affection for this film. The script even includes one of the greatest lines of all time: ""It's raining, take your clothes off." In fairness, however, we might point out a few flaws:

1. The acting is just dreadful. Jaecklin seemed to ignore acting in most of his movies. He liked the kind of leading lady who seemed like a childish and nearly mindless bimbo, someone who could feign wide-eyed innocence and seem younger than her years. His favorite leading lady was Sylvia Kristel, who was actually reputed to be exceptionally brilliant and sophisticated, but whose screen persona seemed especially dense and immature. Kristel was too old to be playing the virginal naf in this film, but if Jaecklin was looking around for an American actress who was as much like Sylvia Kristel as possible, he hit the jackpot in Tawny Kitaen. Kitaen's line readings were a bit rough around the edges, but she seemed like Helen Hayes compared to Brent Huff, who was in his first major movie role - and it showed. He was 23 when he made this film, and he was just too young and immature to be playing the crusty world-weary adventurer ala Indiana Jones. He read his lines like, and generally seemed like, a high school kid - albeit a very handsome and buff one. Kitaen became a self-parody and was not able to sustain a real acting career, but Huff did manage to hang in there, and still works regularly, now usually typecast as an authority figure. His characters often have a military rank or titles like "agent," and "officer." He almost always works in films you never heard of, but he does work! It actually took him quite a while to establish his B-list career. After Gwendoline, the best he could come up with was Nine Deaths of the Ninja, a film rated a sterling 1.6 at IMDb. His "sorted by rating" list at IMDb looks like this:

  1. (6.38) - Girls' Night (1998)
  2. (5.09) - Falling from Grace (1992)
  3. (4.86) - Oblivion 2: Backlash (1996)
  4. (4.72) - Hollywood Confidential (1997) (TV)
  5. (4.59) - I Spy Returns (1994) (TV)
  6. (4.48) - Beautiful (2000)
  7. (4.37) - Dead Tides (1997)
  8. (4.22) - More Mercy (2003) (V)
  9. (4.16) - Gwendoline (1984)
  10. (4.15) - Hitman's Run (1999)
  11. (4.12) - Coach (1978)
  12. (4.03) - Armed Response (1986)
  13. (3.96) - Hijack (1999)
  14. (3.89) - Scorpio One (1997)
  15. (3.82) - The Bad Pack (1998)
  16. (3.55) - Hot Boyz (1999)
  17. (3.35) - Submerged (2000)
  18. (3.33) - Final Examination (2003) (V)
  19. (2.99) - Glass Trap (2005)
  20. (1.97) - Nine Deaths of the Ninja (1985)

As you can see, he had no rated films between 1985 and 1992, by which time he was 31 and, I suppose, had grown into his "Agent Taylor" roles.

2. There is virtually no nudity in the first 42 minutes of the film, and there is absolutely none from the stars during that period. That's a long time to wait for the two leading ladies to get out of their shirts. To be fair, however, one must note that the last 40 minutes, the portion in the land of the Yik-Yak, presents virtually wall-to-wall breasts, and thong-clad bums, and that includes Kitaen and Zabou.

Tawny Kitaen (from the movie)

Tawny Kitaen (from the director's still collection)

Zabou

Rare Licensed DVDs is having a two for one sale on this item. Buy it and you also get a choice of one of six others. I can't speak for the bonus DVDs, but Gwendoline is a must-own.

  • uncut and unrated
  • full length director's commentary
  • still photos of Tawny Kitaen (topless) from the director's private collection
  • Dr Kinsey interview with the creator of Gwendoline
  • an interview with the director
  • domestic and international trailers
  • available in English or French

Click on the link below for details.

*PROMO* Perils of Gwendoline DVD Directors Cut Tawny Kitaen

 

 

Some miscellaneous film clips:

Again, there is some great third party material here.

Melanie Griffith, a Fun House favorite in another Fun House favorite, Brian de Palma's Body Double. (Movie House Review). Two clips (1, 2), zipped .avis

Gypsy 83 is an OK film, nothing special (Movie House Review), but Sara Rue has breasts so big (zipped .wmv) she makes Mimi Rogers look like .. well ... like our next subject, Selma Blair. 

Selma Blair in Storytelling. I wrote that it is, "Intelligent, but soulless, and with a sense of contemptuousness rather than true humor." Ambitious movie, but not a great one (Movie House Review). It is Selma's career nudity highlight. She does two very different sex scenes. Two clips (1, 2), zipped .avis

Speaking of nudity highlights, this  zipped .avi clip from Nicole is Catherine Bach's moment. (She was Daisy Dule in the original Dukes of Hazzard.) Nicole is a laughably bad movie. (Movie House Review)

 

 

 

Other Crap:

New York Times Crossword Creator Will Shortz Gets Rich Off Puzzles --- but NOT crossword puzzles.

Mona Lisa Descending a Staircase

  • "A tour-de-force that compresses the history of modern art into seven minutes. Directed by Joan Gratz. Won the Oscar in 1993"

Minor League manager makes a complete ass of himself

"J.K. Rowling said two characters will die in the last installment of her boy wizard series, and she hinted Harry Potter might not survive either."

"One of the hottest items at the weekend's Erotica pornography show was a Bible with a cover that said 'Jesus Loves Porn Stars.'"

Parents use dyslexia rules to give children exam advantage

  • I did the same thing when I was in school. In fact, I went to a special high school for Dyslexics just so I could get the part of Frank Butler in the school play, Annie Get Your Nug.

Here's some interesting trivia: In newly updated editions of Enid Blyton's novels, the ubiquitous phrase 'I say' has been replaced by ...

How did Nicole Kidman manage to re-marry in a Catholic church?

  • Simple answer. In the eyes of the Catholic faith, this was her first marriage. The legal union to Scientology Boy was never recognized by the church.

MovieJuice! reviews Superman Returns (He liked it)

CHENEY STARS IN PRO-GLOBAL WARMING FILM ... "A Really Convenient Truth" Set For Nationwide Release

  • Soon it will be so hot everywhere in the country that it will no longer be necessary to go to Florida for vacation, adding, which is a good thing, because no one can afford to drive to Florida anymore.

What could be more entertaining than Horse Farts? You KNOW this will show up in the next Adam Sandler movie.

The trailer from Wondrous Oblivion

  • "Eleven year old David Wiseman is mad about cricket but no good at it. He has all the kit but none of the skill, and he's a laughing stock at school. So when a Jamaican family moves in next door and builds a cricket net in the back garden, David is in seventh heaven. But this is 1960's England, and when the neighbors start to make life difficult for the new arrivals, David's family is caught in the middle, and he has to choose between fitting in and standing up for the new friends who have turned his world upside down."
  • I watched this and thought that Delroy Lindo has to be the most underappreciated actor in the world. I guess directors know how good he is, but for all his magnificent screen presence he has made it to 53 years old without ever being nominated for an Oscar, Emmy, or Golden Globe. (He has earned a Tony nomination for his stage work.) Did you know he is British?

Behind the Scenes: Backstage at Broadway Bares 16

Here is the original version of Hombre Religioso (song from Nacho Libre)

Watch Paul Walker's hand as he swims with Jessica Alba in In the Deep

The amazing psychic web page

If you don't think about it too much, it's pretty cool. Explanation:

  • Any two digit number is represented as 10a+b, where a is the first digit and b is the second.
  • The sum of the digits is obviously a+b
  • Therefore, when you subtract the sum of the digits from the original number, your result is always 9a. In other words, it will always be nine times the first digit of the number you selected.
  • Therefore, the mystic puzzle places the same symbol on all multiples of nine. Since one of them has to be the answer, it always "guesses" correctly.

The Relative Size Of Our World

URL says it all: TopSecretRecipes.com

New Orleans terrorized by transvestite gang

The Maury Show - Weird Phobias - Fear of Pickles

MovieJuice! reviews Click

  • "Then I break open a popcorn kernel and unspool the fortune inside: 'You get the life you choose,' it says. Or, in Rob Schneider's case, you get the one Adam Sandler chooses for you."

The federal government has decided to put its own secret Homeland Security hotline on the federal Do Not Call Registry

  • "Every time that phone rings, it's telemarketers"
  • I wonder if the White House ever gets telemarketing calls on that nuclear hot line. Maybe they WANT them - could be a chance to get a cheaper long distance provider.

How did they bring Brando back to life?

  • The two keys: a good witch doctor and plenty of snacks

DAN RATHER LANDS JOB AS ANDERSON COOPER'S INTERN

Fresh Air - The Movie

  • "Following the success of its movie based on radio show 'A Prarie Home Companion,' Picturehouse has signed a deal with NPR to adapt several other radio series for the big screen, starting with 'Fresh Air.'"

THREE MILLION PEOPLE CLAIM "CLICK" WAS THEIR IDEA

ANGELINA JOLIE TO ADOPT WAYANS BROTHERS

Borowitz: AL-QAEDA TO VIE FOR 2010 WORLD CUP ... Bin Laden Makes Overture to Beckham

Keira Knightley See-Through Pictures taken by paparazzi in The Bahamas

  • I'm remaining skeptical about the authenticity of these pics. They may well be completely genuine, but the ones with clear nipple-views look doctored.

"Grown-ups are more immature than ever"

The Astros blow a late 9-1 lead, then go on to win in the 13th!

"hungry teenagers around the world will soon be snacking on something more exotic than McDonald's hamburgers: or octopus dumplings."

  • I'll bet you can guess which country these come from.
  • Octopus porn and octopus fast food! The Japanese are to octopi (octopusses/octopods) as the Native Americans were to buffalo - they never waste them.

Kidman to honeymoon at the Keith Richards Tree

  • More and more celebrities are starting to share their romantic moments near the causes of brain damage

 

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

 

Candy Stripers (2006)

Candy Stripers  was written, directed and produced by Kate Robbins, which makes it really easy to assign blame. Aliens enter a hospital because they need human hosts as incubators, and more particularly the plethora of candy stripers, to spread the plague. So, lets tackle the first two plot issues. One, we have to get the first alien into the hospital. Easy enough. Two girls, one blind, stop to help an accident victim after radio reports of alien activity. One dies, and the other is rushed to the hospital. Second problem? We need some good guys. Lets have a visiting basketball team get mauled at a game and put in the hospital.

So, we have the first girl who infects the first candy striper, a basketball captain with a broken leg, his teammate with a broken wrist and a diabetic sister who is sweet on the captain, another player who is more or less a jerk, and the annoying head cheerleader who is dating the captain. The last thing you need to know to figure out the entire plot for yourselves is that the infected "candy" stripers crave sugar, unlike the good diabetic girl who takes insulin to avoid having high blood sugar.

Kate Robbins was faced with a choice. Cast actresses for the two main candy stripers, or rent expensive breasts. Given the script quality, she made the right choice and went for Playboy breast flesh in the persons of Deanna Brooks (breasts and buns) and Serria Tawan (breasts).

Lets add up what we have. No acting, predictable script, really weak gore effects and cgi, modest nudity in darkly lit scenes and what it adds up to is a low D-. Even if you are a genre addict, I think you will find this one lacking.

This has no score as yet at IMDb.

Deanna Brooks

 

Serria Tawan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


A little horror movie today called "Cemetery Gates." Kristen Novak looks good in a short skirt with boots and  even better as she doffs her top to show off her boobies to the guys. Then a little "ready to make love" scene that  never happens because she is attacked by the creature. Warning: bloody bare breasts in the last caps.

 

 

Kristanna Loken in Bloodrayne
Of all the people I expected to get naked in public this past year, Cindy Lauper had to be pretty close to the bottom of the list, not much ahead of Paul Sorvino. This was from that Broadway Bares thing. She's now in her 50s and apparently still just wants to have fun-un.
 

 


Pat's comments in yellow...

Fortune reports that investment guru Warren Buffett, the world's second richest man, will begin giving away his $44 billion fortune.  It was expected that he would leave it to charity on his death, but he's decided to give away most of it now.  Ironically, five-sixths of it will go to the $30 billion Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, the charity set up by Buffet's friend, Bill Gates, the world's
richest man. 

*  They are funding important medical research into how to make
billionaires live forever.



In 1948, something emerged from the Gulf of Mexico and left giant tracks on the shore.  Self-proclaimed experts said it had to be very tall and weigh 2,000 pounds, like "a giant penguin."  But now, the St. Petersburg, Florida, Times reveals that the fabled "Clearwater Monster" was actually a hoax created by local jokester Tony Signorini and some pals. Inspired by dinosaur tracks he saw in National Geographic, Tony made giant creature-feet shoes and would step off a boat and tromp around the beach. He was especially amused by witnesses who claimed they saw the monster.  He said his late wife knew, because he'd be gone from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. and come home covered in sand.  But she thought it was funny and figured there were worse things a man could be sneaking out to do than making monster tracks.

*  Other sightings of giant footprints in Florida just turned out to be
from Janet Reno.



Because of a salmonella scare, the Cadbury company is recalling 250 tons of chocolate bars and Easter eggs from all over the UK.  They'll be unwrapped and buried.  The company wouldn't reveal where it would be buried, and warned children against attempting any "Charlie & The Chocolate Factory"-type treasure hunt to find it.


*  They also warned Kirstie Alley not to buy any bloodhounds.




Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman were married Sunday in Australia, and they bashed a report that Kidman made Urban sign a draconian pre-nup that would have limited him to $875,000 for every year they are married and impose strict penalties if he goes back to using drugs.  Their spokesperson said they are baffled by the report and "are too much in love to even consider a pre-nup."

*  No pre-nup?  Maybe Nicole is the one on drugs?!

*  She's not worried because if anyone can pick the perfect husband, it's
Nicole Kidman.