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|President Clinton's Column
Hi. I thought I'd start to contribute some to the Funhouse, as long as you all promise not to tell Hillary. If I had done it while I was in the White House, the right wing hate radio jocks and the press would have jumped all over it like it was something evil, but, heck, what is being President all about if you can't look at naked celebrities? Forget about that Jeff Bridges character in that Contender movie. The man was sitting on absolute power, the ability to have any of his whims catered to, and what did he do? He kept ordering up fancy meals. I never needed that. Junk food was plenty for me, and if we were working late on national security issues, I'd often send Al Gore out in his Volvo to pick up a few dozen burgers from an all-night White Castle.|
The food - nah. But the babes - now that's where it's worthwhile being President. I didn't have to surf to Uncle Scoopy's Fun House. If I wanted to see Claudia Schiffer naked, I'd just have her detained at the airport in "passport control" while Stephanopolous would send over a chopper to pick her up. She never seemed to question the need for a strip search, and I assured her that the president always does the strip search personally for important visiting dignitaries. She seemed satisfied when I told her that I had to strip-search Helmut Kohl a few times, although she wanted to know which of them had bigger boobs.
And don't forget that I don't need to watch grade b movies or read Playboy to see Elizabeth Ward Gracen naked.
Was I immoral in my conduct of the office? Well, I think back to my last conversation with Boris Yeltsin. Yeltsin and I always had a great time. Man, when we'd get together, we'd get a keg of vodka and I'd use my Hollywood connections to get us a personal screening of our favorite movies, and we'd drink and howl. Later we'd go out and pick up chicks. Yeltsin is a great partner for drinkin' and pickin' up chicks, not like Al Gore. Trying to score with Gore in tow is like hanging out with Chandler on "Friends".
Anyway, Yeltsin and I found out that we have the same favorite movie star - Keanu Reeves - and I can't tell you how many times we watched those Bill and Ted movies together. But enough remniscences, I was going to talk about my morality. One day we were watching The Replacements, one of our favorite Keanu movies, and the players were looking at that skinny, muscle-impaired chain-smoking place kicker, and one guy said to Coach Gene Hackman, "I thought you said he was in shape!". Hackman replied, "he is ... by Welsh standards". Yeltsin turned to me and said "Bubba, we are finding your problem - you are having same problem as this Welshman - you are in wrong country. You are very moral man - by Russian standards!"
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
This month's Celebrity Sleuth. The 25 sexiest women of 2001.|
There is a rumor floating around the internet and usenet that this issue has naked pictures of Isla Fisher. Not so. I've looked through the entire issue, and there's not a single picture of Isla, clothed or unclothed. I suppose somebody came up with a lookalike and attached one of those bullshit cover stories to it, that story being "from Celebrity Sleuth". Here is a small sampling of some of the women who are in it:
Number 22, Kate Asabuki, the queen of Asian Cult Cinema
Number 20, Victoria Jacobs. Former bunnymag covergirl, now 50, with no sign of aging! She could easily pass for a woman of 30.
Number 16, April Hunter,, robo-hootered queen of the fitness babes
Number 14, Padma Lakshmi. Noted model from Madras, India, perhaps most famous now for dating Salman Rushdie. One more of Padma.
Number 13, Kate Fischer. She isn't so well known to the world at large, but we know her as the other movie siren who was teamed with Portia and Elle. Kat is a great looking woman, but her claim to a 35-25-35 figure is outrageous. Yeah, I suppose those could have been her measurements in 7th grade. Do you know how thin a six footer would have to be to have a 25 inch waist? And Kate isn't thin, except "by Russian standards". It's amazing that claims like this can even be made with a straight face, and are offered as if nobody in the world had any concept of a real woman's body. My first wife was 5'1", and weighed 88 pounds at her most shapely. Her waist was 24 at the time. My second wife was 5'9", and weighed 125, and her waist was 25.5", without an inch of fat anywhere on her. So what are the chances that Kate Fischer, at six feet tall and overweight, has a 25 inch waist or 35 inch hips. My guess at her actual measurements when she was in "Sirens"
, something like 38-30-42. She's trimmer now, but based on her condition in Sirens, she wouldn't even be able to slip a 25" hoop over her thighs, let alone her waist.
Number 12, Alexus Winston, former runner up Pet of the Year
Number 11, Luciana Morad, Brazilian model and mother to Jagger's love child.
Number 10, Dr Natasha Terry, "sex therapist to the stars" (www.loveteacher.com)
Number 9, Melania Knauss, "sex therapist to Donald Trump"
For your info, Sleuth chose Estella Warren as his #1, Spears and Casta as the nearest runners-up.
This month's Celebrity Skin, Cinema Sex Awards and Supermodels.
Helena Christensen, runway
Yasmeen Ghauri, backstage
Lulu Johnson, backstage
Karen Mulder, runway
Kathryn Erbe in "Dream With The Fishes"
Only had time for one movie today, the immortal "Agent Red", yet another in the mythological series of "roomy submarine" movies. I watched a video, but it will be available on DVD April 10, if one of you cares to do better caps. I'm not watching it again, unless the DVD has a deleted hard-core nude lesbian scene with Jennifer Love Hewitt and Gretchen Mol.
"Out in 50" (1999)
Out in Fifty (1999) exists to show just how bad a direct to video can be. A
young man comes from the South to LA to find his father, whom he blames for
the death of his mother. He celebrates his arrival in a bar, then is picked
up and taken home by a woman, but I wouldn't say he got lucky. Two problems
with the woman (played by Jennifer Cook): first, she is a psychotic cops
wife; second, she likes giving a little pain with her pleasure. Her husband
is watching as our hero finally has enough and throws her off of him. She
lands on a bedpost, impaling herself in the process. Out hero is sentenced
to 14 years. This brief sex scene provides the only exposure.
Cut ahead 7 years. Our hero is out on parole, the cop wants him back in
jail, and it looks like his life won't be much better, despite the fact
that he has quit drinking and become a much gentler person. He rescues a
petty hustler, who befriends him, gives him work detailing cars, and lets
him move in with him and his wife. Then the film gets seriously weird, with
a mind-boggling series of double-crosses and triple-crosses. There were
performers in the cast who have done credible work, including Mickey Rourke
and Christina Applegate, but there was simply nothing to work with here.
IMDB readers have this in competition for worst film ever at 3.3/10. No
reviews or financial information are available.Stay way away from this one.
Mardi Gras/Spring Break
Girls Gone Wild 2 (also the source of last night's images) is not a film.
It is a DVD of young women flashing their body parts in exchange for Mardi
Gras beads. The DVD contains two 1 hour segments. The first is Spring Break
shot at Lake Havasu, and the second is shot at Mardi Gras in The Big Easy.
I own dozens of VHS tapes I acquired over the years, looking for something
that had good shots of hundreds of young women of all shapes and sizes
showing their assets and having fun. Every one was a disappointment. With
this DVD from Girls Gone Wild, I found what I was looking for, and with DVD
quality. The images below are all taken from the first 15 minutes of the
Mardi Gras segment, and the Spring Break segment was shot in much better
light and no flashbulbs going off, and so is even better.
I struggled with what to do with these images, and, I hope, have come up
with a solution that will make everyone happy. I created three composite
images that give a good idea of the variety that is on the DVD. For those
interested in seeing all 108 images from the first 15 minutes, I created
large thumbnail images, 9 to a page. Finally, for the diehard Mardi Gras
fans, all 108 frames are available in the Tuna archives.
Girls Gone Wild (http://www.girlsgonewild.com) has 8 more DVDs for sale,
and has the same material and more on VHS. I will report on the other 8
DVDs as soon as they arrive, but I suspect they will be as good. If you are
sometimes in the mood for anonymous amateur female flesh, I give this DVD 4 stars
I read with interest the information Scoopy had yesterday on mistakes in
the "Best Song" category by the Academy. I recalled seeing a special a long
time ago that didn't criticize the Academy's choices, but did point out
that some damn good songs lost. I looked through the Academy database
(which works very well by the way), and came up with a list of songs that I
personally think are either very good or that have become standards, yet
lost. Yes, some years were just tough. Jean (The Prime of Miss Jean Brody)
was up against Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head (Butch Cassidy and the
Sundance Kid). Jean is, for me, a better song, but Raidrops got non-stop
air play, was from a hugely popular film in a memorable scene, and was done
by Burt Bacharach and Hal David at the height of their careers.
I would imagine that any songwriter would be proud to have written any of
the songs below.
9 to 5
For Your Eyes Only
Mean Green Mother from Outer Space
Come Saturday Morning
The Look of Love
The Bare Necessities
What's New Pussycat?
More (the theme from Mondo Cane)
The Green Leaves of Summer
Something's Gotta Give
Accentuate the Positive
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B
Chattanooga Choo Choo
They Can't Take That Away From Me
I've Got You Under My Skin
Pennies from Heaven
Cheek to Cheek
"A Girl Thing" (2001)
||in "Christina's House"
||in "Left Luggage"
Isabele Adjani in "Quartet".
Nicolette Krebitz in "Long Hello & Short Goodbye".
Nicolette Krebitz in "Long Hello & Short Goodbye".
Sandrine Kiberlain in "A vendre".
|all have nudity today
Zora Starr, erotic photo by Michel Comte
Carolyn Murphy, backstage, photo by Mario Testino
Carla Bruni, backstage, photo by Mario Testino
Amanda de Cadenet , posed for Mario Testino
|New Euro-Tootsies in "Alma - a ShowBiz ans Ende"
Friedrike Kempter in "Das Maedcheninternat"
Katharina Schubert in "Unforgettable weekend":
Katja Giammona in "Love Trip"
Luise Baehr in "Das Maedcheninternat"
Muriel Baumeister in "Alles nur Tarnung"
|Vidcaps from "Red Meat"
Kasia Figura in "The Washing Machine"
| and ...
||first two from "Entropy", last from "Paris s'eveille"
| Kate Hudson
||looks like the first DVD cap of Kate in "Almost Famous"
| Kirsten Dunst
||at the premiere of "Get Over It"
| Lalla Ward
| Natasha Gregson Wagner
||posed photo from 1995. No nudity, but a cool photo in which she greatly resembled her mom, Natalie Wood
| silly stuff
The US Military is really getting a handle on the technology for those stealth bombers.
Tips for surviving a horror movie
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Do not search the basement, the woods, or the deserted wing of the house. especially if the power has just gone out.
- Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
- If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
- If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
- No sex, beer or partying! Any of these activities will surely seal your fate.
- If you find a town that is deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
- If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
- Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering
irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.