The food - nah. But the babes - now that's where it's worthwhile being President. I didn't have to surf to Uncle Scoopy's Fun House. If I wanted to see Claudia Schiffer naked, I'd just have her detained at the airport in "passport control" while Stephanopolous would send over a chopper to pick her up. She never seemed to question the need for a strip search, and I assured her that the president always does the strip search personally for important visiting dignitaries. She seemed satisfied when I told her that I had to strip-search Helmut Kohl a few times, although she wanted to know which of them had bigger boobs.

And don't forget that I don't need to watch grade b movies or read Playboy to see Elizabeth Ward Gracen naked.

Was I immoral in my conduct of the office? Well, I think back to my last conversation with Boris Yeltsin. Yeltsin and I always had a great time. Man, when we'd get together, we'd get a keg of vodka and I'd use my Hollywood connections to get us a personal screening of our favorite movies, and we'd drink and howl. Later we'd go out and pick up chicks. Yeltsin is a great partner for drinkin' and pickin' up chicks, not like Al Gore. Trying to score with Gore in tow is like hanging out with Chandler on "Friends".

Anyway, Yeltsin and I found out that we have the same favorite movie star - Keanu Reeves - and I can't tell you how many times we watched those Bill and Ted movies together. But enough remniscences, I was going to talk about my morality. One day we were watching The Replacements, one of our favorite Keanu movies, and the players were looking at that skinny, muscle-impaired chain-smoking place kicker, and one guy said to Coach Gene Hackman, "I thought you said he was in shape!". Hackman replied, "he is ... by Welsh standards". Yeltsin turned to me and said "Bubba, we are finding your problem - you are having same problem as this Welshman - you are in wrong country. You are very moral man - by Russian standards!"

There is a rumor floating around the internet and usenet that this issue has naked pictures of Isla Fisher. Not so. I've looked through the entire issue, and there's not a single picture of Isla, clothed or unclothed. I suppose somebody came up with a lookalike and attached one of those bullshit cover stories to it, that story being "from Celebrity Sleuth". Here is a small sampling of some of the women who are in it:

Out in Fifty (1999) exists to show just how bad a direct to video can be. A young man comes from the South to LA to find his father, whom he blames for the death of his mother. He celebrates his arrival in a bar, then is picked up and taken home by a woman, but I wouldn't say he got lucky. Two problems with the woman (played by Jennifer Cook): first, she is a psychotic cops wife; second, she likes giving a little pain with her pleasure. Her husband is watching as our hero finally has enough and throws her off of him. She lands on a bedpost, impaling herself in the process. Out hero is sentenced to 14 years. This brief sex scene provides the only exposure.

Cut ahead 7 years. Our hero is out on parole, the cop wants him back in jail, and it looks like his life won't be much better, despite the fact that he has quit drinking and become a much gentler person. He rescues a petty hustler, who befriends him, gives him work detailing cars, and lets him move in with him and his wife. Then the film gets seriously weird, with a mind-boggling series of double-crosses and triple-crosses. There were performers in the cast who have done credible work, including Mickey Rourke and Christina Applegate, but there was simply nothing to work with here. IMDB readers have this in competition for worst film ever at 3.3/10. No reviews or financial information are available.Stay way away from this one.

Tips for surviving a horror movie

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, the woods, or the deserted wing of the house. especially if the power has just gone out.
4. Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.
5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
7. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
8. No sex, beer or partying! Any of these activities will surely seal your fate.
9. If you find a town that is deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
11. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
12. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
13. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.