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"Boxing Helena" (1993)

Boxing Helena (1993) was just released on Region 1 DVD. It has clear breasts and buns from Sherilyn Fenn (tons), Nicolette Scorsese (tons), Betsy Clark (brief) and Meg Register (brief). The transfer is nearly as good as Titanic, the art direction makes every single frame a work of art, the photography and lighting couldn't be better, and there was not a flat performance in the entire film. The only negative is the plot, which I am not wild about (see spoilers below). I didn't much like it the first time I saw it on VHS, and didn't bother capping it at the time. First, most of the nudity had been chopped from the US release. Second, a 4/3 VHS didn't do justice to any of the other good points of this film.

Maltin says 1 1/5 stars, calling it absolutely dreadful. IMDB readers have it in the dung range at 3.8/10, with a sizeable number of precincts reporting. Berardinelli is a little more generous at 2 stars, saying that it will probably attain instant cult status. US gross was a mere $1.796m. The film won a Razzie for worst director.

Spoilers Ahead

The film is about a talented surgeon, product of a promiscuous mother, who has an obsession for Helena (Sherilyn Fenn), an egotistical, self-serving woman who had sex with him once. The surgeon, played by Julian Sands, can't let go, even with the help of a colleague/psychologist played by Art Garfunkel. He sends her flowers and invites her to a party at his house. She shows up, makes a spectacle of herself, then obviously leaves with someone else. She makes one small mistake -- she leaves her purse. Sands lures her back to his house to get the purse. She runs, and is hit by a car. Cut to a scene of her in bed in his house with both legs amputated. She maintains her aloofness, and her control over him, despite her condition. In a further effort to control her, Sands takes both her arms as well.

Eventually, she decides that loving him is the best thing for her, and then Sands wakes up in the waiting room of the hospital where she was actually taken after the accident. This contrived ending irritated nearly everyone who reviewed the film, and I am no exception. Even if you give the film the benefit of the doubt and call it a dark comedy (I think the few laughs were unintentional), the ending is a total copout. I can't help but wonder if the twist ending wasn't caused by test audiences.

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  • Betsy Clark (1, 2)
  • Nicolette Scorsese (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • Sherilyn Fenn (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    I did Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills. It will help if you watch this under the influence. Truly twisted movie, and fairly funny. Amazing that it got made, and more amazing that Beverly D'Angelo agreed to star in it.

  • D'Angelo (Sorry, no nudity, not very good quality) (1, 2)

    The highlight of the show, Tyra Banks, letting it hang loose at the Blockbuster Awards  And she's got a lot to hang out there. Check out number 20!

    Sheryl Crow isn't built like Tyra, but she's willing to share what she has.

  • Realist
    "Walkabout" (1971)

    Walkabout is one of the nuttier movies I've ever seen. Nobody can accuse it of being a formula film.

    It starts out in suburban Sydney, with a typical family living in a typical middle-class apartment, but something is odd about their interaction. You just can't put your finger on it, but something isn't right.

    This judgment is confirmed in a few minutes when dad takes the kids for a picnic. He drives them out to a remote section of the outback where the roads are unpaved, and he tells them to unpack the picnic items. We see the gas gauge, and he has none at all for the return trip. The teenage girl and the little boy start to spread out the picnic when the dad starts shooting at them. It turns out that he's as nutty as a fruitcake, and he apparently came to this remote area to kill himself, which he then proceeds to do.

    It isn't clear why he brought the children along on his suicide mission, except that he's out of his head, but the kids manage to escape the hail of bullets and find themselves stranded in the remote outback, with no idea what to do. The girl decides that they need to get to high ground to see which way to go, so they start climbing. This chapter of the film consists entirely of the two kids, still wearing their school uniforms, walking in the untamed land, and would probably make a perfect special on the Discovery Channel.

    They are not very successful in their quest for civilization or even in basic survival until they run into an aboriginal boy who is on his "walkabout", a test of manhood which entails survival on one's own. The next chapter consists of him helping them to find houses and roads, and helping them to survive along the way. He knows how to kill and prepare game, how to find water, and so forth.

    There are plenty of incidents with an eccentric twist or an odd tone. The aboriginal boy sees a settlement, but doesn't tell the others. Is he hiding it from them, or perhaps does he not understand that they want to go there? They find a deserted farmhouse, and the teenage girl cries when she sees some photographs, while the aboriginal watches her, not understanding her reaction. Then he covers himself with white paint and performs some kind of courtship ritual for the young girl, but she is frightened, not aroused, and cowers. The aboriginal simply does not know how to communicate to them. The little boy is never really scared of the native, and simply treats him as another person his sister's age, from whom he learns some cool things. The film is cut strangely. The girl swims peacefully, while the boy kills some game for food, cut to girl, cut to boy. Then they intercut some scenes of some adults with high-powered weapons killing more game. Then some more aboriginals find the suicidal father and his burnt-out car. Cut back, cut forth. All the while, flies buzz about everyone and lizards stare impassively. Cut to boy, cut to girl, cut to hunters, cut to flies, cut to lizards. When in doubt about how to proceed, cut to colorful lizards and sunsets.

    When the kids finally return to civilization, the girl daydreams of her adventures in the outback, but her daydreams seem to have an ease of communication that were not present in reality. In her reverie, the three kids are back in the swimming hole, all swimming naked together and laughing. The narrator reads us some lines about times lost that can never be reclaimed, and the girl seems to feel a sense of loss, or perhaps of opportunities missed forever. I guess I just gave away the ending, if that matters to you. Sorry. I knew the tension must have been killing you, and my heart reached out to relieve your strain.

    I really don't know what this movie means. A lot of critics felt that it was some kind of masterpiece. I thought it was just as boring as all get-out, but I really liked two things about the movie.

  • First, Jenny Agutter has several nude scenes. She strips to swim, and the camera follows her, lingers on her. She gets dressed in a farmhouse, and is surprised when the aboriginal does his courtship dance for her. She removes her shirt again to change. In her day dream she is stark naked again. (The aboriginal and the little boy are also seen naked, willies and all)

  • Second, the photography of the outback shows off an interesting landscape and plenty of rare animals, as well as the aboriginal's hunting techniques. The director is Nick Roeg, and I've never thought he was much of a director. I still can't figure out how I lost the main thread in The Man Who Fell to Earth. Roeg was a good cinematographer, however, and the photographs are beautiful. It would have made a great IMAX film, and must be much more impressive to see on a large screen rather than on a computer window. It would still be boring, but impressively boring.

  • Jenny Agutter (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

  • Brainscan
    PETScan and I scanned a few more Pets who have done the nasty whilst the cameras were rolling. Many of these did a movie or two, did only girls or otherwise met the Pet-pornstar criterion by the skin of their teeth. Apt metaphor.

  • Aimee (Ain't She) Sweet was Pet of the lunar cycle August 98. Precious little in the way of pornation on her part. (1, 2, 3)

  • Alexis Christian, November '92, practiced the girl/girl arts. The lesbian said about that the better. (1, 2, 3)

  • Bonita Saint (Pet of June '94) had a set of robo-hooters installed (required equipment in the nasty vid business) and did the copulation dance in a half-dozen videos. At least that's what the IAMDB says. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

  • Gina Lamarca was monthly pet of May 93, yearly Pet of '94 and star (as it were) of one or two videos you won't find at Blockbuster. Red hair, interesting shave job. (1, 2, 3)

  • And on the anchor leg, we give you the girl/girl queen, herself, Janine Lindemulder, Pet of December 87. (1, 2, 3)

  • L'Helvete
    Agnès Jaoui
    (1, 2)

    Nice topless scenes from "Une femme d'extérieur" (2000).

    Élodie Bouchez
    (1, 2, 3)

    Breast exposure in scenes from 3 different movies:
  • #1 is from "Les Roseaux sauvages" (1994)
  • #2 is from "Louise (Take 2)" (1998)
  • #3 is from "Lovers" (1999)

  • Emmanuelle Béart
    (1, 2)

    Topless, see-thru, partial bum, and full frontal nudity in scenes from "À gauche en sortant de l'ascenseur" (1988).

    Valérie Allain and Marion Peterson
    (1, 2)

    Full frontal nudity, combined with opera and some French dudes on steroids. Must be 'caps from 1987's "Aria".

    Anne Brochet Topless and far off bare bum views from "Une journée de merde" (1999).

    Edéa Darcque Full frontal exposure. Also from "Une journée de merde".

    Elizabeth McGovern Very nice topless and rear views, plus a far off, near frontal scene from Milos Forman's "Ragtime".

    Marine Delterme Topless in a love scene from "Ainsi soient-elles" (1995).

    Chelsea Field
    (1, 2)

    To my knowledge, "A Passion to Kill" is the only one of her movies in which she gives up the goods. Nice topless and posterior views!

    Katja Flint Breast exposure from "In uns die Hölle" (1995)

    Sylvia Leifheit Working the pole like a pro in scenes from "Die Rote Meile". Excellent thong views, plus a couple of nice hands on boobs frames.

    and ...
    Laura Linney Another look at her full frontal nude scene from the movie "Maze". Excellent 'caps by Cambo.

    Daneen Boone In the shower. Scenes from "Justine: Object of Desire". Thanks to Scanman.

    Carole Laure
    (1, 2, 3)

    Topless and frontal exposure in several scenes from "Sweet Country", by DeVo.

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