Hard Hunted (1992) is an Andy Sidaris bullets, bombs and babes effort. There are no surprises in this one, as the usual Sidaris elements are present. The federal agents, including a lot of big busted women, are out to stop an evil villain from selling a nuke triggering device to a hostel government. The villain hires a guy with a stealth helicopter to help him. And, as usual, Sidaris manages to get a lot of women to show breasts and buns in hot tub, shower, and sex scenes. These women include Carolyn Liu, Cynthia Brimhall, Becky Mullen, Ava Cadell, Mika Quintard, Roberta Vasquez and Dona Speir. For those who keep track of such things, that includes three Heffers and a Pet.

IMDB readers have this at 2.8 of 10, placing it near the bottom of his films. This is a clear C-. If you want T & A in good light, a few tech toys, lots of shootouts and bombs, and a minimal plot, this film delivers.

The Last of the High Kings (1996):

Tuna talked about this film last week, under the name Summer Fling. It is a highly personal coming-of-age film centered around a guy who finishes high school in the summer of 1977 in Howth (in the Dublin area), and passes 40-something days that summer waiting for the grade report that will determine his future.

The process of creating and funding The Last of the High Kings was probably more interesting than the film itself. Before the smoke had cleared, seven different production companies had been involved, and they came from four different European countries plus the United Sates. When it looked like it would never get made at all, Miramax came along like a white knight and bailed it out.

The North American money was welcome, of course, but the Miramax involvement forced the producer and director to make casting decisions they did not want to make, because Miramax wanted lots of faces familiar to North American Audiences. Thus, Jared Leto, Christina Ricci, and Catherine O'Hara got cast.

Gabriel Byrne is well known in North America, but was not one of the dictated choices. In fact, Byrne actually wrote the first draft of the screenplay adapted from Ferdia MacAnna's 1991 novel. When director David Keating first contacted MacAnna, the latter informed him that Byrne had already asked about the rights. Keating asked for a meeting with Byrne, and they ending up setting the terms for a certain type of hands-off collaboration.

Here's an interview with David Keating from Ireland's Film West magazine.

Despite the fact that this movie took seven years to come to DVD in North America, and never had a successful commercial release in North American theaters, I found it to be a cute movie. Tuna liked it as well.

I think High Kings works beautifully as a coming of age film. Like many of the best ones, it takes place in the last summer after high school, before the old gang splits up and goes in separate directions. I'm not surprised at its limited marketability. It is not a blockbuster type of film, but a low-key personal one. It is not a very ambitious high-profile kind of film, but it succeeds at what it sets out to do. It meets all the basic requirements of the "coming of age" genre, which are:

1. Nostalgia. I was not a teenager in Ireland in 1977, but I felt like I got a great sense of what it was like to be one. Is it accurate? I don't know. But it was vivid and evocative, and it felt real to me.

2. Credibility. Unless the film is going for wacky summer comedy status, which this film was not, it is essential to avoid high concepts and plot contrivances. No murders, no conspiracies, no exchanging bodies with another soul, no geeks using their technical skills to defeat jocks in football, no geniuses, no identical twins. This film just consists of normal people experiencing the hope, exhilaration, sadness, and uncertainty of the transition from childhood to young adulthood.

3. Emotional involvement. It's easy to put oneself into the shoes of the characters, to share their triumphs and disappointments.

4. Sexual anticipation. It is pictured well, and the pursuit of the two girls is pictured as it might really have happened. I really felt like I was going through the stages of pursuit with the kid.

5. Humor. The Catherine O'Hara character is quite funny. She sometimes seems kind of larger than life, and you can't imagine any mother being that narrow minded or talking that way to her children, but then she also proves to be engaging and complex, and loving in her own crazy way, so that by the end of the movie we can believe she was a real person, really the author's mom, and not a "made-for-cinema" character. Also funny, albeit underused,  was Steven Rea as a droll taxi driver.

• Lorraine Pilkington (1, 2)
• Emily Mortimer (bikini) (1, 2)

OTHER CRAP:

• WebRats thinks this is the girl in the Kobe Bryant case. If they are right, and they certainly seem to be, they have scooped all the mainstream media. It isn't easy to keep something secret these days.
• Coldplay's frontman pulls a Sean Penn and freaks out over photographer.
• X-Entertainment: Quaker Oatmeal -- WITH EGGS THAT HATCH INTO DINOSAURSSSSS??!??
• The Best College Website in the Universe! At least according to them.
• Spring Break, South Padre. I just picked one image. If you fish around his site, you'll find a lot more free pics.
• Brad Pitt has ruled out making a film with actress wife Jennifer Aniston, because he thinks couples make bad movies.
• The man behind the `Savage Nation' - as he was in the 70s. Peace, brother.
• Totally unknown American wins British Open. His name is Ben Curtis, but I'm pretty sure it's not the Dell Dude.
• Nothing against Michael Moore, but it was absolutely incredible that some polls picked Bowling for Columbine or Roger & Me as the best documentaries of all time. This link leads to a documentary rated 9.7/10 at IMDb. And it might be a bit underrated. Even if you grant Moore's films full documentary status, they can't compare to the sheer poetry and emotional impact of Ken Burns's The Civil War. 473 people have rated it at IMDB, and only 19 voted for a score below 8! Eight out of ten is a high enough score to make the Top 100 of all time - masterpiece status. Therefore, 99% of voters think it is a masterpiece. Now THAT'S a score.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• The simply gorgeous Ludivine Sagnier bares all in scenes from "Water Drops On Burning Rocks" (2000).

• Elizabeth Perkins, the co-star of "Big" topless and 'flying solo' in scenes from "I'm Losing You" (1998).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

comments by Copperhead

"The Turn-On" aka "Click" (1985):

DISTRIBUTOR INFO/ACTRESSES:

• The Turn On was a rental I found in the Unrated Version at Blockbuster in Texas.  I immediately recognized the story as "Click" based on an underground comic by Milo Manara. Don't confuse this with the "Teen" movies with similar names, such as The Big Turn On.  This is completely different. 
• IMDB list as Le Declic: http://us.imdb.com/Title?0097252
• Actresses include:
  • Jacqueline Chavet
  • Corrine Corron
  • Maria Ford
  • Florence Guérin
  • Marjean Holden
  • Lisa Marks
  • Toni Naples
  • Geraldine Pernet

PLOT DETAILS:

The movie is about a "clicker" device that turns women into sex machines. The inventor has to test it on real women, which leads to
many situations involving nudity and faux-sex, as well as embarrassment when the girls come to their senses and realize their exposure. One such scene has a blonde following a man giving a tour.  He turns to see that she has been hit by the "clicker" and is completely naked.  The rest of the tour group come upon them writhing on the ground.  One scene in a strip club was particularly memorable, especially when
I realized the actress was none other than Maria Ford, with flaming red hair and pre-enhancement boobs. She's always been a favorite
from her Morella days on (actually I think I saw her in a martial arts movie the first time) until she surgically destroyed her  ppeal. I found out that this scene was filmed and added as an afterthought - it really had nothing to do with the movie, and her character doesn't appear at
any other time. Anyway, she's embarrassed to be at the strip club, and is so grossed out that she starts to leave., But then she is hit by
the "clicker", and joins the stripper on stage and starts her own act. She starts off in a conservative business skirt and blouse.  She takes
off her blouse, but when she starts to take off her skirt, her two girlfriends try to stop her, but they are held back by men in the  crowd, and forced to watch as she humiliates herself. Several nice full frontal shots as she dances. Her boss and fiancee and some business associates come in, and see  her dancing on stage, completely naked except for high heels and thigh-high stockings. About this time the clicker is turned off, and she comes to her senses. Her friends rush to her side as she crouches, naked, on stage.

This is at least the third movie treatment of this theme that I've seen. Even Rod Steele Agent 0014 was the same story. Another one involved the "clicker" falling from a plane and landing in a health club.  This is definitely the best of the lot, for nudity anyway.

NUDITY:

Extensive and well-lit full-frontal by several actresses, Maria Ford probably being the best-known.  There are even some near "gyno-shots." All actresses are attractive and natural, top and bottom. There are some other nice situations and scenes in this movie, since  each girl that strips is humiliated when she wakes up.

TRIVIA/POINTS OF INTEREST:

• It is supposed to take place in New Orleans (scenes of paddle-wheels on the river) but most of it was probably filmed in France. Most of the credits were French names. There is director credit for some "additional scenes", which seem to have been shot for the USA version. (see note on Maria Ford's stripping scene, above).
• Milo Manara, the comic book writer, was the production manager - the movie's final scene fades to his comic book drawing of the same scene. The IMDB also lists Manara as the writer for Rod Steele Agent 0014, which also had a "clicker" used in a similar situation, relating to fake-007 antics. 
• And most interesting to me: I found this Unrated version for rent at a Blockbuster in Texas.  I couldn't believe it was still on the shelf - Blockbuster made such a big deal about not carrying the NC-17 Showgirls.  Can you say "Hypocrisy"?

FINAL COMMENTS:

This is what an Unrated movie should be like. I can only think of a handful of movies with a story, full and extensive nudity, and well-lit photography that have been made in the last 30 years. Why can't they take this formula, and make movies for the obvious market they are intended?  Playboy, are you listening?

More Canadian stuff today...

"Bedroom Eyes" (1984)
This Canadian peeper-creeper is a lesser version of the Brian De Palma classic Body Double released the year before. If that wasn't bad enough it had a sequel starring Linda Blair.

• Barbara Law: all three B's.
• Jayne Catling: topless having hot lesbo lovin' with Barbara.
• Christine Cattell: showing lots of sexy leg.
• Dayle Haddon: pokies.

"Mr. Patman" (1980) (aka Crossover)
James Coburn drama sometimes confused with the videogame Mr. Pacman.

• Fionnula Flanagan: Irish actress flashes her big boobs.
• Tabitha Herrington: full frontal.
• Lynne Griffin: upskirt only.

"Alienated" (2003-?)
New low-budget Canadian sci-fi televison series about a family that gets abducted by aliens. Lots of jokes about anal probes.

• Sarah-Jane Redmond: fully nude but naughty bits fuzzed out.

The Outer Limits, season seven (2001-2002)
More PG-rated nudity from the syndicated series. The highlight this week is a rare appearance by Heather Donahue from The Blair Witch Project.

• Kimberley Warnat: sexy in "Family Values".
• Heather Donahue: braless and distant bare back in "The Surrogate".
• Laura Harris: brassiere in episode "Mona Lisa" (note the PG-rating logo that appears 15 seconds before Laura tears the head off the guy)
• Sherilyn Fenn: partial nude in "Replica" (possible body double but she looks good tied up).

Other misc. stuff:

• Victoria Sanchez: topless/nude in an episode of "Bliss".
• Ilse von Glatz: topless in "Graveyard Shift II" (1988).
• Kelly Craig: full frontal in the comedy "Perfect Timing" (1984).
• Nikki Pezano: breasts and buns in the video-nasty "Psycho Girls" (1985).
• Leslie Hope: PG-rated breast exposure in "Caught in the Act" (1993/I).
• An unknown in the topless-lesbian-boxing classic "Punch" has been identified. The girl in the locker room scene is Sarah Lind. She's also a regular on Edgement.

CORRECTION:
Last week Elizabeth Montgomery was confused with Belinda Montgomery. Here are the caps again.

• Belinda Montgomery: brassiere in "Stone Cold Dead" (1979).
• Belinda Montgomery: dark topless in "The Todd Killings" (1971).