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"Get Carter" (1971)

Get Carter Stars Michael Caine as Jack Carter, a tough London hit man, who goes to Newcastle to bury his brother, and find out why he died. What he learns causes him to seek revenge against most of the criminal element in Newscastle. He dispatches the guilty in a methodical and passionless manor, despite the entire Newcastle crime world trying to get him first.

This directorial debut by Mike Hodges receives high marks from most who have seen it. Maltin gives it 3 stars, and IMDB viewers rate it at 7.2. Note that some dubbing was done for the US release, as some of the dialogue was not understandable in American. I remake from this year moves the location to the US and stars Stallone as Jack Carter. Based on Rotten Tomatoes, nobody likes this remake at all.

I found the story ok, but not as riveting as some of the reviewers. It is a good film for exposure, however, with Britt Ekland, Geraldine Moffatt and Dorothy White all showing breasts and more.

  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails

  • Britt Ekland (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Dorothy White (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Geraldine Moffatt (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
  • Johnny Web

    "Revenge" (1990)

    "Zorba, teach me to kill"

    Anthony Quinn is a ruthless and powerful Mexican padron, and Kevin Costner is the fighter pilot (the director also directed Top Gun) who once saved Zorba's life and is now his friend.

    Ol' Zorba likes having Costner around because, well, basically because nobody else has the cojones to tell the truth to a ruthless power-mad dictator-in-waiting.

    But Costner kinda slips up. It's a Garden of Eden for him down there in Mexico - he can insult Quinn's friends, drink his whiskey, wreck his cars, sleep in his house, do everything he wants except one thing. The forbidden fruit is Mrs Zorba, played by Madeleine Stowe.

    So, of course, to continue the whole Garden of Eden parallel, Costner must have her. He promptly waits for Zorba to start his inevitable dancing, then Costner and Mrs Zorba enter the circle of forbidden passion while the music drowns out their lovemaking noises.

    Oh, man, does this tick Zorba off when he figures it out. Ouch! The two guys spend the rest of the movie hunting each other down and hurting each other. Zorba also hurts Madeleine Stowe while he's at it. He hurts her real bad.

    First Zorba finds out where Costner and Stowe are having their liaison, and he proceeds to burn down the house, beat Costner to a bloody unrecognizable pulp, and send Stowe to a whorehouse, where she is kept on heroin and fucked 50 times a day. Even more on Sunday and Holy Days.

    Luckily for him, Costner is tended back to life by a sympathetic neighbor, and Costner remembers that he left a hundred zillion dollars under the floorboards of the burned-out cabin, so he goes back there, gets the dough, and plans his own revenge.

    Zorba actually did dance, although not to Greek zither music, but to various Mexican tunes. I really enjoyed the Mexican music they used in the score. Traditional favorites, romantic ballads, a lot I've never heard before in a lot of different styles.

    As for the movie. It's pretty much as good as it sounds.

    Madeleine Stowe was exposed in two dimly-lit love scenes and in a very brief skinny dip.

    IMDB summary: 5.4 out of 10.

    DVD info from Amazon. Not a good DVD. Lots of motion blur and fuzziness. I read several comments that the movie was visually excellent, so I suppose the DVD mastering is to blame.

  • Madeleine Stowe (1, 2, 3)

    "The Lost World" (1997)

    Jurassic Park wasn't the best movie of the 20th century, but it had some real positives. In addition to revolutionary computerized special effects, it managed to convey some of the wonder humans might feel in encountering live dinosaurs , and some of the greater wonder we feel when we imagine the as yet undiscovered possibilities of science.

    And then there is the movie sequel, which lost all of the good things about the original, all of the good things about Crichton's original book, and even the few redeeming elements of Crichton's own 1995 sequel, which formed the most direct source for The Lost World.

    Steven Spielberg directed, it has a great cast, and brilliant special effects, and all they could manage to come up with was a new Godzilla movie with Pete Postlethwaite playing the part of Tokyo.

    It's just people running from sophisticated monsters and getting into cliffhanger situations (literally, in one case). Period. Nothing more.

    How could Spielberg have directed anything this bad? Never mind. I just remembered 1941.

    The movie is so bad that it prompted me to write two more unities:

  • The "Lost World" rule. Creatures in movies which move faster than the creatures they pursue must catch them in the proper amount of time. People run about 20 feet per second. Cheetahs cover about 100 feet per second. Therefore, if a Cheetah is 20 feet behind you, it will catch you in a quarter of a second. A T-rex isn't as fast as a cheetah, I suppose, but if a T-Rex can catch a speeding bus, it can outrun humans by 60 feet every second. So if it's 60 feet behind you, you don't have much time left.
  • The "Frankenstein" rule. Creatures in movies which move slower than the creatures they pursue must lose them appropriately. You run about 20 feet per second. A guy lumbering along with his knees locked will cover about three feet per second. Therefore, if he chases you for five minutes, he will be a mile away, and you can safely stop at a pub for a pint and a smoke, because it takes him about half an hour to cover a mile.

    No nudity. Except dinosaurs.

    Box Office: It made a monstrous profit. Produced for $73 million, it turned $229 million at the domestic box office, including $93 million on its opening weekend on about 3300 screens. People love dinosaurs. People love Spielberg. Well, at least they did at the START of the movie.

    I suppose you know that the original is the fifth-highest grossing movie of all time in domestic box office, and did nearly a billion dollars worldwide. In terms of the number of ticket buyers (based on inflation-adjusted dollars), it is the 19th highest grosser ever, and The Lost World is not that far behind, 70th of all time.

    IMDB summary: 5.3 out of 10. And that's just where it belongs. And it only rates that high because of voters under the age of 18, who rated it a more generous 5.8.

    Available in zillions of different DVD's, in combination with Jurassic or without it. Use the search function for details, or consult Tuna's Jurassic review a few days ago, which discussed the options in great detail.

    "Rules of Engagement" (2000)

    Samuel L Jackson plays a military officer accused of using unjust and unnecessary force against a civilian protest outside the American embassy in Yemen. He asks Tommy Lee Jones, his best friend and former combat colleague, to defend him.

    This is not a good script, and it really doesn't seem to produce a justifiable conclusion. I'm going to spoil it all for you and say that Jackson was exonerated, and I sure couldn't find anything in the trial evidence to justify that verdict.

    It is true that he was steamrolled for political reasons, and that the ambassador and the national security advisor perjured themselves and destroyed evidence. But all that happened outside the courtroom, and the jury didn't know about it. Furthermore, from what we have seen outside the jury's purview, he seems to be guilty.

    OK, the politicos needed a fall guy for the incident, so they created one for the press. But irrespective of the political machinations, Jackson did seem to be guilty as charged, based on what the jury saw, and even based on what we saw.

  • He lied to and hid things from even his own lawyer, who was also supposed to be his best friend. And he did this more than once, and kept doing it even after Tommy Lee got ticked the first time.
  • He had a history of similar behavior - disregard for the standard rules of combat - in that he once shot a POW in order to coerce behavior from his commanding officer.
  • In everything that we saw on camera, he was guilty of inappropriate action in ordering his men to fire into the crowd. It seems that the missing security tape would have confirmed his guilt.
  • Most important, the character simply didn't follow the rules of engagement. There are steps he had to follow. He didn't go through the steps. He might have eventually ordered his men to fire into the crowd, but there were a bunch of other things he needed to do before firing into the crowd, and he didn't do them. And he admitted it on the stand!

    So why did the jury vote "not guilty"? I don't get it.

    Anyway, setting that aside, it's a script with no subtlety and the characterizations are one dimensional. Good actors like Bruce Greenwood, Guy Pearce, and Ben Kingsley were asked to assay cardboard characters. Other good actors like Philip Baker Hall and Anne Archer have nothing at all to do.

    And then we come to the worst flaw of all .....

    A busy day in Unities. I actually wrote a new Scoopy Unity named after this film, to go with the two motivated by The Lost World. The worst element of the script is that it resolves several key plot lines with those word captions that appear with the closing credits. Huh?

    Hey, it's a fictional story. If the characters really existed, sure, tell me that they are now safe and working in a bakery in Fond du Lac. If it is a comedy and their current whereabouts is a good joke, then do it.

    But not if it's a serious drama about fictional characters:

    If they are imaginary characters, then do the following:

  • If there is something I need to know about them, show it to me.
  • If there is something I don't need to know about them, don't show it to me.

    Simple guidelines, eh? Why would they be so hard to follow?

    No nudity.

    Box Office: Like Shanghai Noon, it did well, and made a profit, but probably not as well as expected. They spent $60 million to make it, and released it in a blockbuster-level 3200 theaters. It did $61 million domestic. (It ended up higher than "Shanghai Noon", even though "Noon" won the battle of the opening weekends, 19 million in 2700 theaters versus 15 million in 3200.)

    General consensus: Ebert, Maltin, and Berardinelli all gave it the same score - two and a half stars. I see that as the official score reserved for movies which aren't good enough to recommend, but have enough positives that you don't want to completely dump on them. I guess I feel about the same way.

    IMDB summary: 6.6 out of 10.

    Rotten Tomatoes summary. Although the IMDb viewers gave it a respectable score, the critics generally hated it. Only 38% positive overall, and an even weaker 27% from the top critics.

    DVD info from Amazon.

  • Brainscan
    Alessia Marcuzzi
    (1, 2)

    Camilla Vest

    Catherine McCord

    Izabella Miko
    (1, 2)

    Kate Hudson

    Comments by Brainscan:
    Alessia Marcuzzi probably puts some clothes on to go shopping for groceries or to drop her car off at the shop. Maybe. Otherwise this Italian movie babe runs around all the time with nothing on... at least that's the conclusion you would have to draw from all the photo shoots and paparazzi pics of her in the nekkid state. I liked the latest from Max magazine... a lot.

    Camilla Vest is a Euro beauty who also has the good sense to get her clothes off as often as possible.

    The rest are photos of US movie babes Catherine McCord, Kate Hudson and Izabella Miko (of Coyote Ugly fame), all of which showed up in this week's edition of Shadow's kick-ass paparazzi site. I spent a little time working with them (especially the Kate Hudson) but they are not my scans.

    Comments and 'caps by Oz:

    Juliet Stevenson
    (1, 2, 3)
    Juliet is shown in all her glory in a British film Aimée. She has quite a track record of nudity and this is no exception. Almost gynecological, particularly in the third collage!
    Annabel Brooks
    (1, 2)
    The quality of another British film, Love is the Devil, was very disappointing given that it is only two years old. Still, we manage to see Annabel quite naked as she poses in front of a camera.
    Jacki Piper
    (1, 2, 3)
    We can see Jacki in two Carry On films, Carry on Loving and Carry on Up the Jungle. No nudity but some very nice see-through when she gets wet. The films themselves were typical Carry On films - for the fans.
    Laurel Holloman She almost showed something interesting in The First to Go, but unfortunately we miss out. However, she does fill out a bikini nicely.

    The rest of the collages are also non-nudes but show some young actresses running around in their underwear. Hopefully they will show some more in the future.

    Marley Shelton
    (1, 2)
    Marley is shown in Trojan War and Lured Innocence. Trojan War is best described as a teen flick - it starred JLH. Lured Innocence was disappointing. You can see from the collage that Marley was supposed to be nude. However, the cropping was too low and you can see her 'modesty' garment. We can only wait.
    Joely Collins
    (1, 2, 3)
    Joely played the main female role in Harlequin's Diamond Girl. It was an enjoyable romance type of film with no pretensions of grandeur. Joely fills out her underwear very nicely.
    Selma Blair Selma starred in another teen flick No Laughing Matter. Again no nudity, just a little bit of tease.
    and ...
    Brittany Murphy This fills me with joy. Or something.

    No really, since I first saw her in "Clueless" I knew Brittany would clean up nicely one of these days. Up until this picture I've never seen her in any role other than "ditzy stoner babe". Although I admit that I've only seen about 5 of the last 12 movies she's been in. But in this scan by Akira from the November Premiere magazine, I finally get to see the very sexy girl that I always suspected was hiding behind the baggy clothes and hippie hair styles. Even though there is no nudity, this one still ties with the Katherine Heigl image as my pics of the day.

    Katherine Heigl I'm not sure who to thank for this one as it was sent in by someone other than the imaging artist. But Wow! The pics of Katherine are from either her FHM or Maxim shoot, and have appeared in the Fun House before. But never like this! Whoever did the layout and background work on this deserves all the praise that the Fun House can muster up. If Scoopy and I ever actually hold the Scoopy Awards, this puppy will win something!
    Griffin Drew
    (1, 2, 3)
    We've run these before, but it's been a slow couple of days for celebrity nudity, so why not a second look at the skinemax regular showing off her tan lines and fake boobs from the movie "Dinosaur Island". Vidcaps by UC99.
    Penélope Cruz
    (1, 2)
    Two more collages of the lovely Spanish actress by CL. Numero Uno features some sexy pics and more topless paparazzi images. While the second is cleavage and thong stuff, but no nudity.
    Penelope Ann Miller
    (1, 2)
    From Scanman. The movie is "Carlito's Way", starring Al Pacino. In #1 Penelope looks great as a topless dancer. #2 also features another topless scene, but this time in the bed room.
    Sonja Kirchberger One more by Scanman. Here is his take on Sonja's shower scene from "Die Liebende".
    Chesty Morgan For the serious, classic boob lovers. Here is a 'huge' collage by Zonononzor.

    Comments by Zon:
    Chesty has the largest natural pair of boobs ever seen on the silver screen as far as I know... a full 73 inches! This collage if from a cheesy 1973 film called "Deadly Weapons" in which Chesty tracks down the mobster hitmen who killed her boyfriend and gets her revenge by smothering them with her boobs!
    The movie is sooooooooo bad that it's good in a campy sort of way.

    Kelly McGillis Kelly going topless in 1991's "Grand Isle". 'Caps by UC99.
    Britney Spears
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    Denise Van Outen
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    Geri Halliwell
    (1, 2)

    Unknown Models
    (1, 2)

    Liz Hurley

    Elle Macpherson

    Jennifer Lopez


    Pamela Anderson

    Sara Cox

    Lot's of miscellaneous non-nudes today.
    Other UK news from the Sun....


    Sun Online Reporter

    SHE'S had her knockers but Geri Halliwell has the best breasts in showbusiness according to a new survey.

    The former Spice Girl topped a list of shapely celebs beating Jennifer Lopez and Liz Hurley in the poll for Pink Ribbon magazine - published to raise awareness of breast cancer.

    Big Breakfast star Denise Van Outen came a bra-vellous sixth while the recent birth of son Rocco hasn't affected Madonna's charms - she proved chest great and bagged 10th place.

    The Pink Ribbon top 10 were:
    Geri Halliwell
    Jennifer Lopez
    Sara Cox
    Liz Hurley
    Elle MacPherson
    Denise Van Outen
    Melinda Messenger
    Pamela Anderson
    Britney Spears

    The Funnies
    Things to Think About

    Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
    Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
    Do not walk beside me, either.
    Just leave me the hell alone.
    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
    It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going > to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.
    Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
    No one is listening until you make a mistake.
    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
    Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
    It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
    It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
    If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
    Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
    If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
    Don't squat with your spurs on.
    If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
    If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
    Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windscreen.
    Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
    Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
    The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
    Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
    A closed mouth gathers no foot.
    Duct tape is like THE FORCE; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
    There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
    Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    Never miss a good chance to shut up.

    Top 10 Reasons that trick or treating is better than sex:

    # 10 You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
    # 9 If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
    # 8 The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
    # 7 You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some .
    # 6 It's O. K. if the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else. (Because you ARE!)
    # 5 Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy .
    # 4 If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
    # 3 It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
    # 2 Less guilt the morning after.

    And the number 1 reason why TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX IS:


    Click Here!