Vampira (1998) is half of a double bill CD that claimed to be B- Movie Theater's Drive-In Double Feature. The second feature is entitled Night Vamps. I assumed 80's exploitation, probably with some exposure, but was completely fooled by the advertising, in the best exploitation tradition. Night Vamps has nothing whatever to do with vampires, and has no plot. First, a woman scrubs herself with a soapy sponge in the shower, dries off, then rubs Vaseline Intensive Care all over her body. Then, another woman models several different pairs of panties. Finally, a third woman masturbates. All of this is presented in a 4/3 obviously shot on tape, and mastered from a weak VHS copy. I will spare you all images from this, unless someone just has to see some really really bad boob jobs.
Vampira was far more interesting. In the 80's, there was a huge market for what was alternately called HARD R, SOFT X, and UNRATED. Some of these were Euro soft-cores, others were exploitation titty flicks a la Novak, but some were hard core films with the erections and penetration edited out. To do this, the hard core had to have a lot of story content. These fed the adult market in communities that wouldn't permit hard core. As censorship dwindled, the HARD R market evaporated, and, at the same time, hard core no longer had enough story content to make a HARD R from. Vampira is a HARD R version of a 1998 Spanish hard core. The hard core version, according to IMDB, is 92 minutes, and this version is more like 60, but there is enough vampire story to get through 60 minutes, the nudity and sex are erotic, and the breasts natural.
The story of Vampires that need both semen and blood to exist, and the guys out to kill them is not Gone with the Wind, but the mere fact that Spain produced at least one recent hard core with a real story is big news to me. If any of our Spanish readers have an idea where I can buy the hard core version, please let me know, as I would like to see the other 32 minutes. The characters were identified as Vampire 1, 2 and 3, so I hope I got the id's right. Eva Morales, Nuria and Sofia Mutti play the vampires, and show everything. Nuria and Morales have a girl/girl that turns into a three way.
They are still waiting for 5 votes at IMDB, and no reviews are listed. This is not a great film, and the cuts to remove the hard core scenes were jarring jump cuts, but I very much approve of porn with some attempt at a story. The transfer quality was not good, but some scenes were well lit and photographed, especially the girl/girl sequence. This is a D-, but a real anachronism, and one I am glad I saw.
Morales and Nuria
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Weight of Water (2000) and Possession (2002)
It is always difficult to manage parallel stories in
the past and present. Looking back on the films which have used that
device, not many of them are that memorable. The French Lieutenant's
Woman received some good notices when it was released, but I can't
remember much about it now. I really like Dead Again, but that one
walks a fine line between being one of those films and making fun of
those films. Gwyneth Paltrow's Possession was a pleasant enough
diversion if one has a taste for a romantic, literary bauble now and
In terms of the basic plotline, The
Weight of Water probably has the most in common with Possession.
(Weight of Water is the earlier movie, although it passed through
its theatrical release virtually unnoticed in 2000). In both films,
someone from the present is investigating a mystery in the past, and
that experience is causing them to reflect on their own lives. The
films are not similar in tone, and they relate the parallel stories
in very different ways.
Possession is a more straightforward film. Two
literary scholars co-operate in the investigation of a secret and
theretofore unsuspected relationship between two nineteenth century
poets. Each of the modern day scholars specializes in one of the
Victorian lovers, paired off by matching sexes. Gwyneth Paltrow, for
example, is a specialist in the woman being investigated. She feels
she knows the woman, and she identifies with her. When all of her
assumptions about the poet are challenged, she begins to re-examine
her analysis of the poet and of herself as well. The fact that the
poet turned out to be more open to the varieties and richness of
love than previously thought caused Gwyneth to open herself up in a
similar way. All in all, that was quite a tidy script, and is a
pleasant watch if you are literary and like romantic movies.
The Weight of Water is far less contrived than
that, and more subtle, but just not as interesting. Look at the
dates for The Weight of Water. Made in 2000. Took in $100,000 at the
box office. Released to DVD in 2003. Those are not what the Romans
would call favorable auspices. It had no market. In this film, a
photographer/journalist is investigating a 19th century double
murder among the mostly Norwegian immigrants on the rugged islands
off the coast of New Hampshire. She and her husband use this as a
combination working trip and vacation, sailing about the island
locations. Her husband's brother has a boat, and the two couples
make it a pleasure cruise, of sorts.
The journalist wants to understand the case fully,
so she gets so far into the psychology of the characters in the past
that she is dreaming about them and imagining them. She concludes that
the crime was not committed by the person or for the reasons normally
imagined. In the present, her marriage to a Pulitzer-winning poet is
experiencing difficulties, and that situation is not made any easier
by the fact that her husband is flirting with his brother's
girlfriend. It is especially troubling since the girlfriend looks a
lot like the gorgeous British model/actress, Elizabeth Hurley. In
fact, it looks exactly like her. How do you think your wife would
react if Hurley was obviously coming on to you in front of her. Liz seems to spend all of her time making
eyes at the husband, sunbathing topless, and sucking suggestively on
various household objects.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
The connection between the past and the present is
tenuous. I was watching carefully, mindful of that very link, and I
saw one very good use of the past story to explain something in the
present. There is a brief period in the present day story when the
journalist's actions seem inexplicable unless one understands what
actually happened in the past, as well as the journalist's perception
of it. That moment or two rang through like a powerful bell, but the
rest of the film almost seemed like two unrelated stories being cut
together randomly. I guess I could live with the sudden merging of the
characters' motivations from previously unsuspected connections if the
two stories were supremely interesting, but they simply were not.
Neither of the two separate stories, if viewed separately, would
really hold my attention. How can you make a double axe murder dull?
This movie had a formula: too much languorous, meaningful glancing and
pregnant pausing, and no surprise in the past story at all. We are led
to believe from the outset that the murderer is innocent and we are
led to believe who really did it and why. The fully detailed story
simply confirms what we had already inferred.
There is a surprise in the present, but I can't say it is one that
will provide much of a reward to the viewer for having watched
faithfully, and that story is also filled with too many exchanges of
I found some things to admire about The Weight of
Water, but I didn't find much to like. It's slow and arty, filled with
recitations from poetry, and constantly searching for profundity.
Perhaps it succeeds in that quest from time to time, but I'm not
surprised that such a film was a complete failure at the box office,
because this water was a little too weighty for my taste as well.
And I can handle some pretty heavy fuckin' water.
Updated volumes: Naomi Watts, Liz Hurley
New volumes: Renata Dancewicz, Brandy Davis, Geena Davis, Claire
Danes, Blythe Danner, Jewel Shepard, Delia Sheppard, Cybill
Shepherd, Cynthia Preston
Jill Nicolini has done much more (explicit material) than just
posing for the bunnymag. She is a featured "Hunt" on the website
milfhunter.com. She gives an inspiring hard-core performance as a
seemingly unsuspecting mark, targeted by The Hunter for a little
sport humping. In this little feature, she uses the name "Harley."
milfhunter.com, scroll to the bottom of the page, and you will
see Harley, or Jill, or whatever her name is today, and you
can click on her sample film. Click for a wonderful peek at
Your devoted nephew.
Wow! That's quite a scoop if it is really
Jill. I have no idea whether it is, but I guess you guys can look at
the sample video and make up
your own minds. Let me know your thoughts, if you think you have it
quite a picture of J-Lo
Joe Queenan imagines Madonna's children's books
The transcripts from more
than 1700 sketches of Saturday Night Live
ah, those Germans, they really know how to throw an
the results so far in
IMDb's poll for
the worst movies and performances of 2002.
new movie will have nude lesbian scene with Christian Ricci and
Charlize Theron Ricci is interviewed about the film, says "I'm
pretty fucking naked"
sells restored virginity
from my e-mail inbox "Check out this site,
Gothic Babe of
the Week. It's been up since 1996
(!) and features a photo archive of their "goth babes of the week"
that dates back that far .... more than 300 of 'em. The names of the whitefaced, heavily
mascaraed, spider-web patterned hose-wearing "babes" are pretty
funny, ranging from the obvious ("Drucilla" after the Buffy The
Vampire Slayer character) to the truly inspired ( "Sonnet") Be forewarned that the "babealicious"
factor is seriously all over the map. I also like how some of the
gals pose in graveyards or next to weeping statues etc. and other
shots appear to be taken in the entranceway to some middle-class
pad in, I dunno, Hamilton, Ohio or Canoga Park or something."
man calls in a bomb scare to a ladies spa - so he can see them
evacuated naked. Plan not very successful.
5 best-selling books of all time. The top two are the Bible and
Chairman Mao's Quotations. I wonder how many people have both?
the colorfully named sexual practices of Dirty Sanchez, defined
in detail, including Dirty's signature move, the aptly named Dirty
Sanchez, and a little move Milhous likes to call the "dreaded Rear
Admiral". Fair warning: it's in completely bad taste.
What're the odds?
75th Academy Awards: Best Actor
in a Leading Role
Day-Lewis pulls away from Nicholson as the betting favorite.
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick
Locke, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
||Best known as the lead singer for the 80's band Blondie. Here she is topless in scenes from the 1983 David Cronenberg movie, "Videodrome".
||Topless in the slow-paced, low budget sci-fi flick "Saturn 3" (1980).
||The French actress bares breasts and bum in scenes from "The Bedroom Window" (1987).
||Bare bum and side breast views in scenes from the 80's classic "Clash of the Titans". If any movie makers out there have access to 60-75 million...here is a flick that could use a serious remake. The Ray Harryhausen stop motion monsters are cool and have there place in cinema history, but I would love to see this redone with modern techniques, a faster pace and better direction.
||Topless in "American Gigolo" (1980).
|Topless and frontal nudity from the David Lynch flick "Blue Velvet" (1986).
|The UK actress topless in two movies. Link #1 from "Angels & Insects" (1995). Link #2 from "Lethal Weapon 2" (1989).
Heidi von Palleske
Jill and Jacqueline Hennessy
|From the David Cronenberg movie "Dead Ringers" (1988). Bujold and von Palleske show a little breast exposure, and there is a little cleavage from the Hennessy twins.
|Vidcaps from "Woman of Desire" (1993). Lame movie, but great nudity! Bo looking great and showing all the goodies!
|Halle's famous toplessness and black undies scenes from "Swordfish".
|Katie baring her spectacular breasts in scenes from "The Gift". (there's also little bit of a thong view in #3)
||The petite Scottish actress topless, showing bush and gettin' it on with Obi-Wan in scenes from her film debut in "Trainspotting".
|A Troma regular going topless in several scenes from the sequel that begged to be made..."Bloody Murder 2".
||The B-movie actress and occasional stunt woman posing in a very see-thru top. I think she should get a refund on that boob job...the nipples are just a tad off.
|Helena Bonham Carter
|Topless in a love scene from the Steve Martin movie "Novocaine" (2001).
|Both ladies bare their breasts in scenes from the Oliver Stone movie "The Doors".
|Very sexy scans of the "Enterprise" babe. Looks like #5 has a hint of see-thru nipple!
|The long time B-movie favorite playing a topless nun in scenes from "Spirits" (1990). There is also some real nudity in #4 in these 'caps by the Skin-man.
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
BRITNEY'S NIPPLE-PIERCING PARTY
Christina Aguilera Has 14 - The National Enquirer tabloid claims that
Britney Spears threw a nipple-piercing Valentine party for her entourage
and crew, and gave them all nipple jewelry for their new piercings. But
when they told her it was her turn, she laughed, "I already have one!"
Only one? Shouldn't she have two?
Conan O'Brien did the exact same thing at his Valentine party.
MORONIC PROTESTER NEWS ROUND-UP
You'll Watch Sean Penn Or Else!! - The Screen Actors Guild issued a
statement Monday, warning the entertainment industry not to avoid hiring
actors who take unpopular anti-war political stands. They said, "Even a
hint of the blacklist must never again be tolerated in this nation."
Except for conservatives and actresses over 40.
Does it really take a blacklist for studios to refuse to bankroll
Janeane Garofalo movies?
If there were really a blacklist, every movie would star Tom Selleck and
Sounds Perfectly Reasonable To Me - Mary Grierson of Wellington, New
Zealand, wrote to President Bush to suggest that instead of attacking
Saddam Hussein, that he crucify her on live TV, to see the pain and
suffering war with Iraq would cause. She added, "I don't want to appear as
some nutter who just wants to be crucified, who enjoys pain. In fact, I
Me, too. This woman makes my head hurt.
If she really wants to be crucified, go to Iraq and criticize Saddam
Hussein...He'll take her up on it!
I think we've found a winner in our "Who's Dumber Than A Human Shield"
She should join the Screen Actors Guild; then they'd HAVE to put her on
If Dubya won't accept her offer, I bet Joe Rogan would.