Vampira (1998) is half of a double bill CD that claimed to be B- Movie Theater's Drive-In Double Feature. The second feature is entitled Night Vamps. I assumed 80's exploitation, probably with some exposure, but was completely fooled by the advertising, in the best exploitation tradition. Night Vamps has nothing whatever to do with vampires, and has no plot. First, a woman scrubs herself with a soapy sponge in the shower, dries off, then rubs Vaseline Intensive Care all over her body. Then, another woman models several different pairs of panties. Finally, a third woman masturbates. All of this is presented in a 4/3 obviously shot on tape, and mastered from a weak VHS copy. I will spare you all images from this, unless someone just has to see some really really bad boob jobs.

Vampira was far more interesting. In the 80's, there was a huge market for what was alternately called HARD R, SOFT X, and UNRATED. Some of these were Euro soft-cores, others were exploitation titty flicks a la Novak, but some were hard core films with the erections and penetration edited out. To do this, the hard core had to have a lot of story content. These fed the adult market in communities that wouldn't permit hard core. As censorship dwindled, the HARD R market evaporated, and, at the same time, hard core no longer had enough story content to make a HARD R from. Vampira is a HARD R version of a 1998 Spanish hard core. The hard core version, according to IMDB, is 92 minutes, and this version is more like 60, but there is enough vampire story to get through 60 minutes, the nudity and sex are erotic, and the breasts natural.

The story of Vampires that need both semen and blood to exist, and the guys out to kill them is not Gone with the Wind, but the mere fact that Spain produced at least one recent hard core with a real story is big news to me. If any of our Spanish readers have an idea where I can buy the hard core version, please let me know, as I would like to see the other 32 minutes. The characters were identified as Vampire 1, 2 and 3, so I hope I got the id's right. Eva Morales, Nuria and Sofia Mutti play the vampires, and show everything. Nuria and Morales have a girl/girl that turns into a three way.

They are still waiting for 5 votes at IMDB, and no reviews are listed. This is not a great film, and the cuts to remove the hard core scenes were jarring jump cuts, but I very much approve of porn with some attempt at a story. The transfer quality was not good, but some scenes were well lit and photographed, especially the girl/girl sequence. This is a D-, but a real anachronism, and one I am glad I saw.

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  • Eva Morales (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
  • Morales and Nuria (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31)
  • Nuria (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Sofia Mutti (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    The Weight of Water (2000) and Possession (2002)

    It is always difficult to manage parallel stories in the past and present. Looking back on the films which have used that device, not many of them are that memorable. The French Lieutenant's Woman received some good notices when it was released, but I can't remember much about it now. I really like Dead Again, but that one walks a fine line between being one of those films and making fun of those films. Gwyneth Paltrow's Possession was a pleasant enough diversion if one has a taste for a romantic, literary bauble now and then.

    In terms of the basic plotline, The Weight of Water probably has the most in common with Possession. (Weight of Water is the earlier movie, although it passed through its theatrical release virtually unnoticed in 2000). In both films, someone from the present is investigating a mystery in the past, and that experience is causing them to reflect on their own lives. The films are not similar in tone, and they relate the parallel stories in very different ways.

    Possession is a more straightforward film. Two literary scholars co-operate in the investigation of a secret and theretofore unsuspected relationship between two nineteenth century poets. Each of the modern day scholars specializes in one of the Victorian lovers, paired off by matching sexes. Gwyneth Paltrow, for example, is a specialist in the woman being investigated. She feels she knows the woman, and she identifies with her. When all of her assumptions about the poet are challenged, she begins to re-examine her analysis of the poet and of herself as well. The fact that the poet turned out to be more open to the varieties and richness of love than previously thought caused Gwyneth to open herself up in a similar way. All in all, that was quite a tidy script, and is a pleasant watch if you are literary and like romantic movies.

    The Weight of Water is far less contrived than that, and more subtle, but just not as interesting. Look at the dates for The Weight of Water. Made in 2000. Took in $100,000 at the box office. Released to DVD in 2003. Those are not what the Romans would call favorable auspices. It had no market. In this film, a photographer/journalist is investigating a 19th century double murder among the mostly Norwegian immigrants on the rugged islands off the coast of New Hampshire. She and her husband use this as a combination working trip and vacation, sailing about the island locations. Her husband's brother has a boat, and the two couples make it a pleasure cruise, of sorts.

    The journalist wants to understand the case fully, so she gets so far into the psychology of the characters in the past that she is dreaming about them and imagining them. She concludes that the crime was not committed by the person or for the reasons normally imagined. In the present, her marriage to a Pulitzer-winning poet is experiencing difficulties, and that situation is not made any easier by the fact that her husband is flirting with his brother's girlfriend. It is especially troubling since the girlfriend looks a lot like the gorgeous British model/actress, Elizabeth Hurley. In fact, it looks exactly like her. How do you think your wife would react if Hurley was obviously coming on to you in front of her. Liz seems to spend all of her time making eyes at the husband, sunbathing topless, and sucking suggestively on various household objects.

    Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    The connection between the past and the present is tenuous. I was watching carefully, mindful of that very link, and I saw one very good use of the past story to explain something in the present. There is a brief period in the present day story when the journalist's actions seem inexplicable unless one understands what actually happened in the past, as well as the journalist's perception of it. That moment or two rang through like a powerful bell, but the rest of the film almost seemed like two unrelated stories being cut together randomly. I guess I could live with the sudden merging of the characters' motivations from previously unsuspected connections if the two stories were supremely interesting, but they simply were not. Neither of the two separate stories, if viewed separately, would really hold my attention. How can you make a double axe murder dull? This movie had a formula: too much languorous, meaningful glancing and pregnant pausing, and no surprise in the past story at all. We are led to believe from the outset that the murderer is innocent and we are led to believe who really did it and why. The fully detailed story simply confirms what we had already inferred.

    There is a surprise in the present, but I can't say it is one that will provide much of a reward to the viewer for having watched faithfully, and that story is also filled with too many exchanges of meaningful glances.

    I found some things to admire about The Weight of Water, but I didn't find much to like. It's slow and arty, filled with recitations from poetry, and constantly searching for profundity. Perhaps it succeeds in that quest from time to time, but I'm not surprised that such a film was a complete failure at the box office, because this water was a little too weighty for my taste as well. And I can handle some pretty heavy fuckin' water.



    Updated volumes: Naomi Watts, Liz Hurley

    New volumes: Renata Dancewicz, Brandy Davis, Geena Davis, Claire Danes, Blythe Danner,  Jewel Shepard, Delia Sheppard, Cybill Shepherd, Cynthia Preston



    Dear Uncle,

    Jill Nicolini has done much more (explicit material) than just posing for the bunnymag. She is a featured "Hunt" on the website She gives an inspiring hard-core performance as a seemingly unsuspecting mark, targeted by The Hunter for a little sport humping. In this little feature, she uses the name "Harley." Go to, scroll to the bottom of the page, and you will see Harley, or Jill,  or whatever her name is today, and you can click on her sample film. Click for a wonderful peek at 

    Your devoted nephew.

    Wow! That's quite a scoop if it is really Jill. I have no idea whether it is, but I guess you guys can look at the sample video and make up your own minds. Let me know your thoughts, if you think you have it figured out.

    Other crap:

    What're the odds?


    75th Academy Awards: Best Actor in a Leading Role

    Day-Lewis pulls away from Nicholson as the betting favorite.

    Bet Selections Win Odds
    Daniel Day-Lewis 7/10
    Jack Nicholson 11/10
    Adrien Brody 9/2
    Nicolas Cage 10/1
    Michael Caine 14/1



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Deborah Harry Best known as the lead singer for the 80's band Blondie. Here she is topless in scenes from the 1983 David Cronenberg movie, "Videodrome".

    Farrah Fawcett Topless in the slow-paced, low budget sci-fi flick "Saturn 3" (1980).

    Isabelle Huppert The French actress bares breasts and bum in scenes from "The Bedroom Window" (1987).

    Judi Bowker Bare bum and side breast views in scenes from the 80's classic "Clash of the Titans". If any movie makers out there have access to 60-75 is a flick that could use a serious remake. The Ray Harryhausen stop motion monsters are cool and have there place in cinema history, but I would love to see this redone with modern techniques, a faster pace and better direction.

    Lauren Hutton Topless in "American Gigolo" (1980).

    Isabella Rossellini
    (1, 2)

    Topless and frontal nudity from the David Lynch flick "Blue Velvet" (1986).

    Patsy Kensit
    (1, 2)

    The UK actress topless in two movies. Link #1 from "Angels & Insects" (1995). Link #2 from "Lethal Weapon 2" (1989).

    Geneviève Bujold

    Heidi von Palleske

    Jill and Jacqueline Hennessy

    From the David Cronenberg movie "Dead Ringers" (1988). Bujold and von Palleske show a little breast exposure, and there is a little cleavage from the Hennessy twins.

    Bo Derek
    (1, 2)

    Vidcaps from "Woman of Desire" (1993). Lame movie, but great nudity! Bo looking great and showing all the goodies!

    Halle Berry
    (1, 2)

    Halle's famous toplessness and black undies scenes from "Swordfish".

    Katie Holmes
    (1, 2, 3)

    Katie baring her spectacular breasts in scenes from "The Gift". (there's also little bit of a thong view in #3)

    Kelly Macdonald The petite Scottish actress topless, showing bush and gettin' it on with Obi-Wan in scenes from her film debut in "Trainspotting".

    Tiffany Shepis
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    A Troma regular going topless in several scenes from the sequel that begged to be made..."Bloody Murder 2".

    Blake Pickett The B-movie actress and occasional stunt woman posing in a very see-thru top. I think she should get a refund on that boob job...the nipples are just a tad off.

    Helena Bonham Carter
    (1, 2, 3)

    Topless in a love scene from the Steve Martin movie "Novocaine" (2001).

    Meg Ryan

    Christina Fulton

    Both ladies bare their breasts in scenes from the Oliver Stone movie "The Doors".

    Jolene Blalock
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    Very sexy scans of the "Enterprise" babe. Looks like #5 has a hint of see-thru nipple!

    Michelle Bauer
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    The long time B-movie favorite playing a topless nun in scenes from "Spirits" (1990). There is also some real nudity in #4 in these 'caps by the Skin-man.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Christina Aguilera Has 14 - The National Enquirer tabloid claims that Britney Spears threw a nipple-piercing Valentine party for her entourage and crew, and gave them all nipple jewelry for their new piercings. But when they told her it was her turn, she laughed, "I already have one!"

  • Only one? Shouldn't she have two?
  • Conan O'Brien did the exact same thing at his Valentine party.

    You'll Watch Sean Penn Or Else!! - The Screen Actors Guild issued a statement Monday, warning the entertainment industry not to avoid hiring actors who take unpopular anti-war political stands. They said, "Even a hint of the blacklist must never again be tolerated in this nation."

  • Except for conservatives and actresses over 40.
  • Does it really take a blacklist for studios to refuse to bankroll Janeane Garofalo movies?
  • If there were really a blacklist, every movie would star Tom Selleck and Patricia Heaton.

    Sounds Perfectly Reasonable To Me - Mary Grierson of Wellington, New Zealand, wrote to President Bush to suggest that instead of attacking Saddam Hussein, that he crucify her on live TV, to see the pain and suffering war with Iraq would cause. She added, "I don't want to appear as some nutter who just wants to be crucified, who enjoys pain. In fact, I hate pain."

  • Me, too. This woman makes my head hurt.
  • If she really wants to be crucified, go to Iraq and criticize Saddam Hussein...He'll take her up on it!
  • I think we've found a winner in our "Who's Dumber Than A Human Shield" Contest!
  • She should join the Screen Actors Guild; then they'd HAVE to put her on TV.
  • If Dubya won't accept her offer, I bet Joe Rogan would.