Verführung: Die grausame Frau (1985), or Seduction: The Cruel Woman, is another from German Lesbian director Monika Treut. This time, she is taking on the subject of S & M. I was not able to discover a real plot, but rather a series of characters and events that went nowhere. In the end, a jilted mail slave shoots the main character through the hand, and everyone, including her, thinks it is funny. Trust me, that doesn't give away any plot secrets. Mechthild Grossmann is opening a salon for S & M aficionados. Her roommate, Carola Regnier, runs a fake shoe store in the salon. Sheila McLaughlin is a submissive that Grossmann has brought from America to turn into a dom. Peter Weibel is a journalist who interviews Grossmann for an article on her salon, then decides he wants to become her human toilet. Udo Kier plays the jilter slave that does the shooting at the end.

The film is riddled with strange camera work, The camera is nearly always tilted, it is impossible to distinguish real occupancies from fantasies or from salon shows put on for the public. It is riddled with pretentious dialogue and speeches, which are somewhat translated in horrible hit and miss sub-titles. This is in color, but with a green tint, and very grainy. I could find nothing to like about this film. Grossmann, McLaughlin, Regnier and an unknown show breasts.

IMDB readers say 5.9 of 10, but based on very few votes. I suppose this film has an audience, but I am certainly not among that group. C-

Frida (2002):

I've talked about the movie a zillion times, and done about that many caps, but this is the first time that I've unwrapped the Region 1 DVD.

A few thoughts that crept into my mind while I watched:

1. It is amazing that Alfred Molina didn't get an Oscar nomination for his performance as Diego Rivera. I know that there are many great performances to choose from each year, and the rules limit the number of nominations to five, but if they couldn't find it in their hearts to boot one of the other guys out, they should have changed the rules instead of ignoring such a memorable characterization.

2. What a superlative DVD it is - a colorful transfer that makes the film look even better than it did on screen, and a vast array of extra features.

I am reminded that Frida may be the best non-documentary film ever directed by a woman.

I didn't try to do a comprehensive treatment this time, but rather to get the frames that I missed or underserved before..

• Salma (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Updates:

Updated volumes: Monica Bellucci, Sandahl Bergman, Victoria Abril

OTHER CRAP:

• Sportbabes naked!
• retroSPICE: Hot babes of yesteryear. A tribute to forgotten 60s pin-up Juli Williams.
• Kelly Monaco - April 1997 Playmate - Free Nude Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com! Kelly did a topless scene in the teen cult film Idle Hands, which starred Jessica Alba.
• It's time for the Minnesota State Fair again, and you know what that means, doncha kids? Salmon-on-a-stick and an all-the-Lutefisk-you-can-eat buffet. I didn't make that shit up. Ummmm. Salmon on a stick.
• Dude, where's my drawers? Demi Moore and her toyboy lover Aashton Kutcher are preparing to pose for a naked photo shoot. Yes! Just what we've been waiting for - Ashton Kutcher naked.
• The University of Colorado is the nation's #1 party school, up from #8 last year. They improved their status with a couple of top draft picks out of New Orleans. Last place on the party list went to Brigham Young University, the only place where they find Judge David Souter to be "a nutty guy".
• Princeton Review chooses the "best" colleges in many different categories. Some examples: Most selective - West Point. Most gay-friendly - NYU.
• Truth is stranger than fiction after all - 'Zsa Zsa Saddam' to taunt Iraqi regime loyalists
• Porn, Drugs, Weapons Hit Baghdad Streets. Hey, out there. Do we have any readers in Iraq?
• Russian scientists have announced plans to build a nuclear power station on Mars. This is for real.
• Al-Qaida claims responsibility for power blackout. They also said "we hope you enemies of Islam didn't waste your first pick on Michael Vick in your decadent Fantasy Football leagues, if you know what we mean."
• Want to be on a reality show? How about Channel 4's new "Lapdance Island"? Just answer some simple questions, like "What is it about a tropical island inhabited by lap dancers that appeals to you most?" and "Do you have any prior experience or qualifications in dealing with high levels of lap dancing?". Funny site! Try the drop-down boxes for choosing titles and occupations.
• This site has some screen captures from the DVD version of The Two Towers, which also has some scenes from the third part, The Return of the King, or as they like to call it, DIE RÜCKKEHR DES KÖNIGS
• California - the new Cuba. Actually, I think this comparison is overreaching. Bill Maher had it exactly right - it's the new Italy.
• WeLoveArnold.com A site dedicated to the preservation of all things Arnold. As Arnold puts it "Nothing will haunt me"
• Whoa. Speaking of Arnold. The Terminator is out of shape. I guess he's now the ex-Terminator. Just call him Orkin Man.
• RateMyTeachers.com represents real grassroots free press activity. Students have now evaluated more than two million teachers on this site. Teachers hate it of course, because the teaching profession's goal is to suppress the truth, free expression, and any remote possibility that kids will think for themselves.
• MovieJuice reviews Freddy vs. Jason
• 91% of Japanese women like to give head.
• 'Gigli' ends theater run, but not before setting dubious box office mark
• Phoenix Arizona is, more or less, out of gas!
• How music pirates have became the saviors of the record industry

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Connie Stevens, topless in scenes from the movie "Scorchy" (1976).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Cry Uncle (1971) is an amalgam of "8mm" and "Malibu Express". Like the underrated 8mm, the story follows an undistinguished private eye as he tracks a murder, the only evidence of which is caught on a home movie. Unlike 8mm, the private dick is thoroughly unattractive and entirely unfazed by the sleaziness he uncovers. That understatement in his reaction is the movie in microcosm, as director John Avidsen (who went on to do the original Rocky and the three Karate Kids) shows the underbelly of society for what it is, without the dramatic need to rub our sensible noses in it. As a result, the movie works extremely well... the best thing Troma's has ever put out, which is about the same as saying Desperately Seeking Susan is the best movie Madonna's been in.

The Malibu Express part of Cry Uncle is the presence of five women, all of whom do triple-B performances. Their nudity is sometimes essential, since three of them play prostitutes whose services were filmed in the evidentiary film. Avidsen shows them at work in other places, where you would expect them to be thoroughly naked, not just topless. And so, yah you betcha, they are shown in the altogether for long periods of time but, with the exception of the movie's first scene, none of it looks or feels gratuitous. The best of all possible worlds: seriously naked women, essential to the plot.

The five nekkid women include one-timer Pamela Gruen, veteran actress Debbi Morgan, and three women who did some other work in movies and tv, Madeline Le Roux, Maureen Byrnes and Nancy Salmon (apparently unrelated to either Chico or Tim).

Pam Gruen starts out the booty call in a sport-humpin scene with the film's fat-ass protagonist. You can see the actor's magno-rump if you watch the movie, but because I have such respect for the Funhouse readership, it is gone from these caps. Pam shows off a pair of all-natural mighty-fines in the first three collages and then, as her private dick leaves to crack a case, she pulls out an even privater dick to take care of her wants and needs. That's in collage 4, where Pam reveals a killer bum and some bush.

• Pam Gruen (1, 2, 3, 4)

Madeline Le Roux plays an interested party to the murder and the private eye's eventual bed partner. You get to see skinny Madeline's boobs in all three collages, her bum in collage 1 and a hint o' bush in number 3.

• Madeline Le Roux (1, 2, 3)

Then you get the three hookers. Debbi Morgan plays the hooker with a heart of gold, but does it up well. This was Debbi's second movie and, so far as I can tell, one of only two nude scenes. But does she ever give up the goodies in this film. You see boobs in all three collages, bum in 1, a bit o' bush in 2 and a lot o' bush in 3.

Now, a word about the third collage. It comes from the home movie that eventually shows the male figure with a big ol' hole in his head. Thing is this: the movie is run as a negative on screen and so the mating habits of our victim and his three friends are obscured. This, fellas, is why the digital revolution is so damned wonderful. Grab the frame, hit "Invert" and as soon as you can blink, a black-and-white positive shows up. From Debbi we get to see a much more extensive view of her furry bits, but hang on a bit longer and the real benefit of this manuever comes out.

• Debbi Morgan (1, 2, 3)

Nancy Salmon plays a thin hooker with a killer rumpus, who engages in sexual activities of the professional kind because she's a heroin junky. As with the other women, Nancy gives up all the goodies.

• Nancy Salmon (1, 2)

Okay, now a brief interlude. Imagine a trivia game tailored to Funhouse readers. So I give you the following names and you provide the common link:

Sylvia Kristel
Mia Nygren
Laura Gemser
Monique Gabrielle
Krista Allen
Holly Sampson

Quick as can be, every avid reader of the Funhouse answers, "Women who played Emmanuelle."

Alright try these

Mruschka Detmers
Amanda Ooms
Eiko Matsuda
Carole Laure
Chloe Sevigny

Just a little more difficult, but with a few seconds' thought a lot of folk would recognize these women as legitimate actresses who slurped on the love straw in a mainsteam movie. Pretty much does it with these five right? No other mainstream actress to add... at least I thought so until the ol' invert function brought out lucky number six.

Maureen Byrnes, who would go on to play a few roles until 1978 and would then reppear on-screen in 1995 with Future Wars, clearly grasps our soon-to-be-victim's skin flute and proceeds to play a tune (collage 1). Maureen also spends copious amounts of time on screen fully frontally nekkid (collages 2 and 4) and otherwise shows up her extraordinarily well-toned frame in all collages.

• Maureen Byrnes (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

So what we have here, then, is a near-perfect movie. The writing and directing are first-rate, the acting more than competent, the babes pretty enough and nekkid frequently, an extensive nude scene by a woman who would become fairly famous and, rarest of all animals, an X-rated performance by a legitimate actress. I ask you, what's not to like?

FREDDY AND JASON TOP BOX OFFICE
Not As Bloody Awful As "Gigli" - The movie box office reversed its slump over the weekend with "Freddy Vs. Jason," the long-awaited clash of the bloody slashers, raking in $36.4 million. That's more than the combined total take of each of the last "Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Friday the 13th" movies. The studio was surprised that even the power blackouts across the Northeast didn't reduce the take that much.