- Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.
Underworld: Evolution (2006)
You can tell that
"Underworld: Evolution" is trying to be an artistic
action-horror film, because every scene is bathed in the
color blue. Seriously, there's no yellow, green or orange
in this movie. It's as if someone shot the entire picture
through a bottle of Windex.
The San Francisco Chronicle ***
And you thought the Emperor Charlemagne left behind a tragic
legacy! A couple of decades after his death, Charlemagne's three
grandsons divided up the Christian empire with an agreement called the
Treaty of Verdun. The Western part of Charlemagne's European empire
eventually became modern day France, the Eastern part became Germany.
After the great emperor had struggled so mightily to unite
Christianity in peace, his descendants spent approximately the next
millennium killing one another. About the only time they took a break
from slaughtering their own cousins was when they were concentrating
on slaughtering Jews instead.
Charlemagne, or Big Chuck as we call in in
English, apparently had nothing on another European patriarch named
Corvinus. You see, about a millennium ago Corvinus had two sons named
Marcus and William who turned into a vampire and a werewolf, and their
descendants spent the next few centuries tearing one another apart.
About the only time they took a break from slaughtering their
own cousins was when they were concentrating on slaughtering Jews
instead. Well, to be fair, they did slaughter other humans as well,
but it was much easier for them to get the humans who didn't carry
those accursed crucifixes. Poor old Corvinus, who was basically a
decent sort as played by Derek Jacobi, was not only cursed with the
fact of his legacy, but he was also unfortunate enough to be immortal,
which meant that he had to watch the whole damned mess for all
Now that I think about it, he wasn't immortal. Although he lived a
thousand years before this film began, he finally bought the farm in
this story. At least I think he did. Frankly, I'm not too sure what
the hell was going on in this story, which seems to require lots of
advance summer reading and an intimate knowledge of a previous movie
called Underworld. I did gather that one of the two sons was so
powerful that he was placed in an eternal cage, and the other son,
learning that his father's eternal life wasn't quite as eternal as
previously suspected, reasons that the family's definition of
"eternal" may not be entirely precise, and studies up on arcane lore
which will allow him to free his brother and ... I don't know ...
destroy the world, or rule it, or both. Something nasty.
The evil brothers are opposed by Kate Beckinsale,
who is a vampire capable of killing both vampires and werewolves, and
her boyfriend, who is a powerful vampire/werewolf hybrid and a killing
machine, but is really a sweet guy at heart. He's got that whole Bill
Bixby/Lou Ferrigno thing goin' for him.
The entire movie basically consists of blue-tinted fight scenes
between various combinations of werewolves and vampires, all
linked together with clumsy expository narration about ancient
events involving people with silly names, all of which will make
about as much sense to the average moviegoer as shop talk
between two "Dungeons and Dragons" geeks. The film is
essentially like a Uwe Boll movie with a lot more visual
pizzazz. Critics hated it, as I did, but the series has
developed a core of fandom, and this installment had one of the
best January opening weekends in history. I had thought that the
audience for this series must skew extremely young, but that
does not appear to be the case. The demographic scores at IMDb
do show that the film plays stronger with younger audiences, but
the drop among older voters is not dramatic at all. Overall,
Underworld: Evolution is currently rated a very respectable 6.6
at IMDb, which is about two points higher than you'd expect from
a film with only 15% positive reviews. That and the strong box
office performance are indicative of a cult in the making.
Shadow Man (2006)
Here's a tip for you youngsters who want to be international
terrorists: do NOT kidnap any members of Steven Seagal's family.
Here's a tip for you ministers of tourism: do not
grant a tourist visa to any members of Seagal's family, just on the odd chance
they may be kidnapped. When Seagal gains his revenge on the baddies,
there is a lot of collateral damage!
This time the Beefy Battler is in Bucharest with his
daughter. He plays, as always, a man with a mysterious background in
special ops or black ops or some kind of stuff so double-secret that
even Dean Wormer doesn't know about it. As
always, the espionage is behind him now and he's trying to live a mainstream life as a CEO and
cuddly family man. The only reason he's
in Romania is to visit a grave. As always, the only woman he has ever
loved is dead. Steven Seagal's very presence represents a very economical device
for a screenwriter because his characters always have the same back-story, so
minimal exposition is required - and little is offered, given the fact
that Seagal is also a screenwriter.
This time around, Seagal's
father-in-law plants some kind of top secret device on him, making the
Weighty Warrior an unwitting mule for a lab-created virus which evil
CIA operatives are going to smuggle from the USA. Their plan is
to auction it off at the annual convention of purely evil
super-baddies, the various rapscallions and ne'er-do-wells who want to
destroy all life on the planet.
like oil company executives.
baddies are not Mobil/Exxon execs but Russian mobsters (I think), and they
foolishly think they can gain leverage on the Fleshy Fighter by
kidnapping his daughter, or killing her, or something. The baddies
seem kind of confused, to tell you the truth, because during half the
film they are pursuing the Tubby Tiger for the secret virus they
presume to be somewhere on his person, while they
use the other half of their time trying to blow him up, which would
also presumably destroy what they are seeking. Actually, this
apparent conflict may be a result of the fact that the various baddies are not working in concert. Some of them
just want to steal the virus so they can sell it back to the other
baddies, or anyone else who will bid more. The Russkies receive
assistance and/or competition from various treasonous American agents
and diplomats, as well as the entire corrupt police force of
Bucharest. The police force also employs all taxi drivers as paid
informants, and the cops inform Seagal of this, but that doesn't stop
the Chubby Commando from taking taxis throughout the film, thus
keeping the rotten police apprised of his every movement. (A master of
stealth, that lad!)
It doesn't really matter that the Big-Bellied
Battler has to fight against overwhelming odds and a confusing array
of baddies with indeterminate motives. He just wants his daughter
back, and you know it's gonna get ugly for those in his way. Let's just say that by the time the Doughy Doughboy gets the
adorable ragamuffin back, Bucharest is going to have to hire a whole
new police force. Not to mention several construction crews.
My favorite scene: a traitorous American agent
locks an unarmed Seagal inside a supposed "safe house" which is
actually a death trap with bricked-up windows and doors. Several
baddies of indeterminate origin, clearly bent on exterminating
Seagal, show up with automatic weapons. The Stout Sensei should be
dead meat in this situation, but the evil agent had made the mistake
of trapping Seagal in a house filled with ordinary household
materials. Seagal is able to fashion some deadly weapons using the
pipes beneath the sink, a Mr. Coffee machine, a ball of twine, a
frozen Hungry Man seafood dinner, an old-fashioned Victrola, a
scratched Mel Tormé record, and a thimbleful of Clorox.
Unfortunately, these weapons are so powerful that he not only knocks
out the baddies but also destroys an entire city block in Bucharest,
the first of many which will be razed before the film is over. By the
time the Stocky Samurai is finished with his makeshift weapons, the
United Nations has had to call a special session to declare that
the Velvet Fog's records have been reclassified from
Category Three Kitsch to Weapons of Mass Destruction.
In the film's final scene, the Pudgy Paladin
rewards his daughter for being a very brave little girl while she was
held by the agents of pure evil, and for always remembering to put toilet
paper over the entire seat before doing a pee-pee at Pure Evil
He buys her a pony.
I didn't make that up.
His fans seem to think this is one of the better
Seagal films. It has earned his highest IMDb rating since 2001's Exit
- (6.19) -
Executive Decision (1996)
- (6.09) -
- (5.25) -
- (5.09) -
- (5.09) -
the Law (1988)
- (4.99) -
- (4.89) -
for Death (1990)
- (4.80) -
Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)
- (4.79) -
- (4.77) -
- (4.70) -
Glimmer Man (1996)
- (4.69) -
- (4.40) -
Mercenary for Justice (2006) (V)
- (4.39) -
Beyond Thought (2001) (V)
- (4.30) -
the Beast (2003)
- (4.11) -
- (4.10) -
Past Dead (2002)
- (4.10) -
Down Below (1997)
- (4.03) -
You Die (2005)
- (3.91) -
- (3.74) -
Submerged (2005) (V)
- (3.72) -
- (3.67) -
Dawn (2005) (V)
- (3.65) -
Reach (2004) (V)
- (3.51) -
Deadly Ground (1994)
- (3.23) -
- (2.66) -
a Kill (2003)
- (2.65) -
Astoundingly, I've seen every one of his films
since Exit Wounds, and my favorite would be 2003's Belly of the
Beast, which was also co-scripted by Seagal and has almost exactly the same plot as Shadow Man ("An
ex-CIA agent's quest to find his kidnapped daughter leads him on a
trail of political intrigue, corruption, danger and betrayal; he will
stop at nothing to save her.") I prefer
Belly of the Beast because it sets the
familiar action in some exotic and colorful Asian locales rather than
some dingy Eastern European nightclubs. I do agree, however, that
Shadow Man is a major step above the two Michael Oblowitz
movies (#27 and #28 above) which represented Seagal's career nadir in 2003.
It is fair to say that Shadow Man is one of the big guy's better
An "exclusive internet
montage" from Zach Braff's The Last Kiss
- "The Last Kiss" is
a contemporary comedy-drama about life,
love, infidelity, forgiveness, marriage,
friendship... and coming to grips with
turning 30. It is an adaptation of Gabriele
Muccino's acclaimed Italian film "L'Ultimo
ANN COULTER CHALLENGES
PRESIDENT OF IRAN TO "INSANE COMMENT CONTEST"
- Appearing on Fox
News this morning, the sharp-tongued darling
of the right wing said that while she
respects Mr. Ahmadinejad’s work, she
believes he will be “no match” for her
arsenal of crazy, unhinged remarks. But even
as the rules for the insane comment contest
were being set, North Korean president Kim
Jong-Il and televangelist Pat Robertson
expressed outrage that they had been
excluded from the competition and demanded
to be invited.
Oops. Sorry Zarqawi?
Turns out the 72 virgins was a misprint. You
actually get 72 raisins.
ABC.com has the new (June
7th) episode of Commander-in-Chief ready to
"A woman angry that her
new puppy had died pushed her way into a dog
breeder's home and repeatedly hit her on the
head with the dead Chihuahua"
"Colbert's Word: "Big
Deal." ... "Global warming is the perfect
Lewis Black weighs in on
The Daily Show looks at
the California primaries and some corruption
Flash video: An animated
cat ranting about the current state of TV
news. The hilarity lies in the truth of it
50 Dumbest Rock-Star
World! Exclusive! First-ish
Look At The Chosen One!
Fistfights among chess
Australian police use
Barry Manilow music to disperse youth gangs.
"Vaguely Gay: From David
Bowie to Jared Leto"
- How about a
follow-up article on the inexplicably
straight. I nominate Robin Williams, Leo
DiCaprio, and Keanu.
Five minutes of Balki and
Phoebe Cates hasn't
changed much since leaving the public eye.
"Simple Life 4 debut
quadruples E!'s average ratings"
Wolverine replaces Crowe
in epic Kidman flick
Dave Barry came up
with a funny comment on this headline. He
assumed it was about Donald Trump.
Billionaire Dikshit Sells
"I was Russell Crowe's
- Fascinating article
about Russell's dreams of a career in music
This is a real story:
Morgan Stanley sues Meow
The trailer and five
clips from Strangers With Candy
The trailer from
Conversations With Other Women
- When a man (Aaron
Eckhart) and a woman (Helena Bonham Carter)
flirt with each other at a wedding
reception, the sexual tension seems
spontaneous. As they break from the party to
a hotel room, the flirtation turns into a
night filled with passion and remorse.
- The film does have
nudity from Helena Bonham Carter and others.
Colbert discusses gay
marriage, and calls on the military to help.
Colbert talks to
Stephen Colbert's Sound
- "Show your parents
how enlightened you are by rejecting
society's demands that you get your own
Colbert removes the holy
water from his shelf and brings back his
statue of Pazuzu.
Colbert discusses 666.
Bill Bennett, author of
"America: The Last Best Hope" debates the
issue of gay marriage with Jon Stewart
The Daily Show's Rob
Corddry shows how the Gay Marriage Ban really
helps gay people
The Daily Show looks at
the hype around "666 Day"
Gay Marriage Amendment:
President Reassures Fellow Loving Christians
of His Commitment to Oppress America's
Repulsive Dykes and Faggots
SHILOH JOLIE-PITT EMBARKS
ON PEACE MISSION TO IRAQ
... Sunnis, Shiities Reach Out to the Chosen
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
The Fruit is Ripe 3 (1999)
"Mat to sing suk si chi mat to sin chi" is a Hong Kong Category III
romantic comedy, and the third installment of a trilogy which includes The
Fruit Is Swelling and Crazy Love. The three films have little to do with one
other, except that a main character is named after a fruit (Peach). This time,
Peach (Jay Fong) is an inept female angel who is sent to earth to teach Urchin
(Shu-Kei Wong) the meaning of love, and get him together with Wei (Shirley
Cheung). Unfortunately, Wei is currently married to his best friend, Ronald
(Chi Yeung Wong), who is too busy with business and screwing his secretary to
give her the attention she deserves.
Peach convinces Urchin to revive his fish farm and become financially
stable and then pursue Wei. Along the way, Urchin falls for the angel, and
Peach falls for him. The only problem is that it is forbidden for an angel to
fall in love.
Frankly, the story is very weak and somewhat predictable, but the nudity is
frequent and copious and Jay Fong is adorable in the role. Fong also has real
chemistry with Shu-Kei Wong. As a sequel to the absolutely wonderful The Fruit
is Swelling, it is something of a disappointment, but is still adequate genre
fare, and therefore a C-.
IMDb readers say 5.6.
Full frontal and rear nudity from three woman
an unknown as the secretary.
Got some very odd stuff today...as in odds and ends from movies capped for
other reasons and some capped from VHS and one from a DVD whose source was
obviously a commercial videotape (that is, the quality of the images is
First up: Julie Michaels in Doctor Mordrid.
What a weird mofoing movie Doctor Mordrid is. Wizards of a science-fiction
variety doing battle to see if one gets to destroy Earth or the other gets laid
by a grateful inhabitant. Something like that. And what kind of doctor is he? As
a wizard, he must have a PhD in economics. The guy playing the good doctor runs
the full range of emotions from P to R. Most of the time he looks concerned,
other times he looked shocked and in-between the two he looks alarmed. Nothing
wrong with him that any one of several SSRI's wouldn't take care of. For our
purposes the only reason to watch this bad boy movie was to see Julie Michaels
get nekkid. Julie is quasi-famous for the amateur strip routine she did in
Roadhouse. Good body in good lighting ... it was the highlight of that movie. In
this movie, she has the same body, darker hair and way darker lighting. WTF was
the director thinking? She gets nekkid ... you are gonna get an R rating, dude
... so light a few more candles or ... and this may sound radical ... turn on a
few lights. But no. I grabbed what I could.
There are a bunch of 70's and 80's Mexican movies, available only on
videotape. We got beautiful women with killer bums and nice, natural hooties,
all in excellent, clear light. Nothing to complain about at all.
Did Rampage a long time ago by capping just about every frame of Brittany
Daniel's nude scenes ... and here are two other gals who gave up goodies,
and Michelle Borth.
Then there is Demetra Hampton taken from clips of a TV show called Valentina.
Demetra has an exotic face and a spectacular body. The last of the collages came
from a slow pan from head to toe and had the kind of resolution you find on an
Last up are a few collages of internet nude model, Danni Ashe, on the same
disk as Lorissa McComas in Lorissa Oil Me Up. You look at Danni and you realize
that at about the time her boobs stopped growing, her career plans were pretty
much set in stone. If hooties were brains she would be a frickin' Einstein.
Pat's comments in yellow...
A German court threw out a complaint by a 16-year-old girl that police violated
her rights by strip-searching her before she entered a soccer stadium. They
ruled that security for the World Cup games is so important, police will have
the right to strip-search anyone, even if there are no grounds.
* Oh, there were grounds for it: she was SMOKIN' hot!
The Concord Monitor reports that Suzan Belanger of Penacook, New Hampshire, was
charged with prostitution after police allegedly caught her providing sexual
services at her "healing" business, Amazing Alternatives. But Balanger, who
appears in lingerie on her website, claims she's a certified Reiki healer,
cosmologist, herbalist, sexual therapist, sorceress, "all-around loving caring
soul" and "Amazing Goddess" who was raised by fairies, and that God gave
approval for her methods. She vowed to fight the charges and appeal for aid to
the very top: Oprah.
* God gave His approval - but she still needs to
run it past Oprah.
The Drudge Report noticed that posters for "An Inconvenient Truth"
include Al Gore's name. A rival studio executive told Drudge that market
research showed little audience interest in a movie starring Al Gore
* The truth of his presence turned out to be inconvenient.
* Also, the photo on the poster shows George Clooney
kissing Julia Roberts while shooting Osama bin Laden.