Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Young Adam (2003)

Tuna and I were both quite impressed with some of the aesthetic achievements of this film, we liked the nudity, and we praised what the director achieved without money, but neither of was brimming with enthusiasm over this mostly depressing and negative film. Read our thoughts here.

The film does include one of the craziest sex scenes of the past few years. Obi Wan covers Emily Mortimer with custard, then he canes her ass, then he pours some condiments on her, then sodomizes her. Fine family entertainment! It would have been the hottest, most furious sex scene ever, except the director chickened out and didn't get them naked below the waist, so the sodomy portion ended up looking like one of those drive-in porn films from the seventies where the guys always kept their pants on.

Here's a zipped .wmv of that clip.


Xtro (1982)

Xtro is kind of a cynical spin on E.T., the mega-blockbuster which was released a few months earlier. Just as "E.T." is a neologism for "Extra Terrestrial," so is "Xtro." The film's advertising referred to the cuddly Spielberg film by featuring the catch phrase "not all extraterrestrials are friendly." The premise is essentially to ask what would have happened if E.T, instead of being an adorable little fellow, had been a murderous creature.

In the opening scene, a young boy sees his dad captured by aliens. I'm not sure why the xtros captured this particular guy. Judging from the aliens' dentition, you'd think that if they were to need humans on their planet, it would be dentists. On the other hand, if they wanted to capture top-notch dentists, they wouldn't be invading in the U.K. At any rate, nobody believes the lad's kidnapping story. People assume that dad ran off with some floozie and the kid is making up stories to sublimate his pain. Some years later, Dad returns - sort of. We know that the grotesque aliens return, and that seem to result in dad eventually, after an alien impregnates a human woman. This particular species seems to have a gestation period of about ten minutes, because the woman blows up like a balloon and immediately gives birth to an exact duplicate of the missing dad. We see him emerge, fully-formed but bloody, from the woman's womb. I'm still trying to figure out if dad was really dad or an alien impersonating dad, and why that childbirth process was necessary in either case. One thing is certain. That had to be one painful childbirth, because he came out much larger than the woman who gave birth to him.

"Dad" returns to his home, remembering nothing of the previous three years, but is not really welcomed with open arms, since he has been away for so long that his wife has moved on with her life. Mom and son now live with mom's new boyfriend and a sexy au pair, giving the alien/dad plenty of interesting possibilities for havoc, but the havoc is delayed for many minutes while mom and dad engage in soap opera dialogue, try to get in touch with their feelings, and criticize the Thatcher government, as if suddenly trapped in a Ken Loach film.

Dad decides to get reacquainted with his son and one of the things he manages to accomplish is to imbue the lad with some telekinetic powers that allow him to animate his toys. I'm not sure how this works, but the boy manages to bring a toy soldier and a clown to life as a full-sized commando with deadly military gear and an evil dwarf clown. He also animates a toy tank with the ability to fire real rockets. Somehow he also manages to summon a live panther, presumably from something else in his toy box, although that bit is never really explained.

The scenes with the panther exist as non-sequiturs to the rest of the movie, but I wouldn't get upset about that if I were you, since the entire movie is a mess which really doesn't make much logical or narrative sense in the first place. If you start asking yourself why the script's events are happening, you will be hard-pressed to formulate explanations. This is not the kind of film where the screenwriter spent weeks imagining what the aliens were like on their home planet, and then tried to create a scenario to depict how their culture would interface with humans. It's more like the kind of film which resolves to make the grossest visuals possible, and uses the alien premise as a loose framework to facilitate the shock and gore. There are humans in cocoons and gratuitous snakes and pulsating eggs added here and there for no special reason other than that they look creepy. It's a true exploitation film.

Does it succeed on its own terms? In a way, yes, once it ends its inexplicable dalliance with Ken Loach social realism. Some of the effects are very poor, like the appearance of the alien ships, which is about as realistic as a scene from Colonel Bleep, but the film has some good moments as well. Some of the slime and gore is effective enough to make your flesh crawl a bit, and that is what some genre fans find appealing about this film.

This was the screen debut for future Bond Babe Maryam D'Abo, and she entered the word of cinema naked as a jaybird. Unfortunately for us, Maryam's nudity got sort of diluted by the widescreen theatrical transfer on the DVD, and the scenes where she was standing up went from full frontals in the full screen VHS version to being merely topless on the DVD.

Here are my new captures of Maryam D'Abo

And here are some old captures of Maryam D'Abo which demonstrate what was lost from the bottom of the frame.

Comments and zipped .avis from ICMS.

While browsing the Encyclopedia doing some research on Simonetta Stefanelli (the actress who played Michael Corleone's Sicilian wife), I found out that she also showed some skin in 1975's "Peccati in famiglia" (Sins in the Family). Since this film was on TV a couple of weeks ago and I recorded it, I decided to check it out. Simonetta shows all 3 B's but just barely. In addition, lighting conditions aren't great and the film itself wasn't preserved too well.

These four short zipped .avi clips (1, 2, 3, 4) are my final contribution on this actress. In clips 3 and 4 you can see her doing some naughty stuff with Michele Placido, her real-life husband till 1994. If you enter "Violante Placido" in the search field you will be taken to Charlie's archives where you'll see that mom and dad didn't do a bad job at all.

The movie happened to be a big disappointment for me. This thing takes itself so serious that it simply doesn't work anymore. Not only is the dialogues lacking in wit, but the movie also ended up short on sensuous situations, and the nudity count is simply too low. This is a feature that makes you realize what a wonderful invention the fast forward button is.


Well, as long as we're on the subject, here are two more films where Simonetta showed some of the goods

Here are some caps of Simonetta Stefanelli from La Nuora Giovane

And here is a scene from Non commettere atti impuri, in which Simonetta Stefanelli looks young and gorgeous!

'Caps and comments by Hankster:

A little variety today.

First up is b-movie vet Tane McClure who made an appearance back in 1986 in "Crawlspace" billed only as Tane. We see her in a sexy red bra which Tane cuts holes in to reveal her nipples. Then she becomes a 'Damsel in Distress" as a guy hold a knife to her throat. However, it's only pseudo-distress as it was just a little role play game.

Tane McClure

Next we have Tara Reid with some nice cleavage from an "E" Network show called "Taradise".

Tara Reid

Crimson Ghost
Today from the Ghost...Rya Kihlstedt spending pretty much all of her screen time topless in scenes from "She Creature" (2001).

Rya Kihlstedt

Next up, another batch o' 'caps featuring the late night softcore regular Gabriella Hall. Here she is topless and showing a hint of pubes while gettin' it on in scenes from an episode of "Erotica Confessions"

Gabriella Hall

Jack Snow
'Caps and comments by Jack Snow:

Today I have some 'caps from a rarely seen German movie called "Wounded Faces". Antonietta Bonomi, Gabrielle Odinis and Karin Moser aren't exactly well-known actresses, but they were all kind enough to show off their breasts in this 1991 movie.

Antonietta Bonomi

Gabrielle Odinis

Karin Moser

'Caps and comments by Dann:

"Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf"
Sequel to the very good 1981 werewolf flick The Howling, 1985's Howling II is not as good, but it still has some pretty cool footage.

The brother of a man killed in the first movie is recruited by werewolf hunter Stefan (Christopher Lee) to join a band of werewolf hunters to find and kill Stirba, Queen of the Werewolves (Sybil Danning).

The fairly lame plot is saved only slightly by some interesting special effect that are not as good as in the first movie, and nudity that's actually more plentiful than the first.

Worth seeing if you're a werewolf fan, but don't expect as good as the original.

Sybil Danning

Marsha A. Hunt

'Caps and comments by Spaz:

"Red Shoe Dairies: episode Weightless"
These caps are not from the DVD collection but they do feauture full frontal nudity that is only shown in the cable version.

Darya Poverennova: all threes Bs.

"Rescue Me" season II

Andrea Roth: partial boob.

Diane Farr: partial boob in one episode, nice brassiere in another.

"Over There"
New cable series about Iraq. Brigid Brannagh plays an adulterous army wife who sleeps with a different man each episode.

Brigid Brannagh: bare back, mega cleavage.

""Degrassi: The Next Generation"" episode Venus part one
Last week's season five opener started out with some nice bikini shots and then ended with a naughty videotape. Part two on Monday.

Cassie Steele: nice bikini.

Miriam McDonald: busty in bikini, bare back taking off top.

"Queer as Folk" season five
No little (female) nudity for the final season.

Kathryn Greenwood: brassiere in episode two.

"Invasion" pilot
Last week's series premiere featured Kari Matchett lying nekkid in a marsh.

Kari Matchett: fully nude but showing nothing.

"The L Word" season 2

Dena Robb : boobs and buns as stripper in "Lap Dance".

Francine Cohen: ditto.

Audra Rickets: full frontal skinnidipping in her second appearance in "Lynch Pin".

Gina Holden: topless getting felt up by Jennifer Beals in "Lynch Pin".

"Cold Squad": episode Girlfriend in a Closet
Episode from the final season seven.

Jewel Staite: posing for naughty photographs.

Sonja Bennett: keeping her clothes on and legs closed.

Cleaning up my harddrive...

Natasha Stillwell: perky hostess showing slight pokies in commercial for "Daily Planet".

Melanie Marden: bikini in beer commercial.

AxeU: lots of cleavage in commercial for

Anna Maxwell Martin: nice downblouse in a recent "Dr. Who" episode.

Jane Sowerby: tight sweater in an episode of "Instant Star".

Amy Kerr: nice wet downblouse in an episode of Lexx.

Kelly Carlson and Rhona Mitra show off some wonderbra cleavage as they have a 3-way on the season 3 opener of "Nip/Tuck".

UC99 takes a look at a German bimsploitation classic. Here are 'caps from "Popcorn und Himbereis" (1978).

Bea Fiedler

Dolly Dollar

Uschi Buchfellner

Olivia Pascal and Gesa Thoma

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap
Film Jerk's Early Report for September 25

Forecaster leaves TV job to pursue paranoid weather theories. (Scott Stevens is the Idaho weatherman who blames the Japanese Mafia for Hurricane Katrina.)

Britain to pull troops from Iraq

"Demi Moore, 42, and Ashton Kutcher, 27, got married Saturday night "

Ashton gets punk'd "A rep for Ashton Kutcher says cell phone messages allegedly pulled off the TV and film star's cell phone and posted on the Internet are fake. The site,, offers several recorded messages including one from a young lady -- and not his wife Demi Moore -- recounting a sexual encounter with the 'Punk'd' star, the New York Daily News said Sunday."

TIME asks, "How Many More Mike Browns are out There?"

  • The magazine wonders how many more incompetent buffoons have been nominated to key positions in agencies that the country relies on to keep us safe, healthy and secure.


  • "Saying that severe weather conditions could strike at any moment, President George W. Bush today ordered the immediate evacuation of antiwar protester Cindy Sheehan from the front lawn of the White House."

Weekend Box Office Results, September 23-25, 2005.

  • One mild surprise was that Flightplan defeated Corpse Bride in their battle for the top spot;
  • another was that the three new films took the top three spots in the "revenues per screen" category, as Roll Bounce proved surprisingly appealing.
  • The big story of the week was the total size of the Top 12 take. Those numbers below are massive by September standards. The three new films alone took in nearly as much as all of last year's films added together. Overall, the Box Office was an astronomical 51% ahead of last year. (EXPLANATORY NOTE: last year was a fluke in many ways, good and bad. In this particular week, last year was far behind 2003. A more measured comparison can be derived by comparing 2005 to 2003. This year is higher than 2003, but only by single digits, which would indicate a moderate and sustainable level of growth.)


Thomas Ross Bond, who played Butch the bully in the "Our Gang" serials, has died. He fatally strained his back while pulling down some guy's pants in front of Darla.

A season of dashed hopes: the collapse of the Orioles.

  • On June 21 the Orioles defeated the Blue Jays to go 14 games above .500. With the season nearly half over, their winning percentage was .600. Since then they have played .333 ball and have witnessed the complete meltdown of their two home run icons, Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro.
  • On the all-time homer charts, Sosa is third of all time among right handers, trailing only Aaron and Mays. Palmeiro is third of all time among left handers, trailing only Ruth and Bonds (although Ken Griffey will eventually knock him down to fourth if he stays healthy.)
  • This year was a different story. Sosa had a disastrous season on the field, slugging .376 with an OBP under .300. Palmiero wasn't bad on the field for a guy in his forties, but certainly had problems elsewhere, as we all know.

Yanks and Sox tied with eight to go. Last three against each other at Fenway. It looks like "winner take all" this year. Often the loser of that rivalry keeps playing by snaring the wild card. This year it is very possible that the loser will be out for the season, because the White Sox and Indians both have better records.

Urban Legends Reference Pages. Claim: Photograph shows President Bush holding a telephone to his ear upside-down. Status: Obviously false. Insiders realize that President Bush does not even know how to use "that faraway voice thing" unless Condi presses his speaker-phone button. - All The News That's Fun To Print. Their motto: "Real News. Compelling Stories. Aways Positive."

National Science Foundation to Sell Naming Rights to Elements

  • "Citing a need to develop new revenue sources for large-scale scientific projects like the superconducting semicollider and a manned mission to Mars, the National Science Foundation today announced that it will begin to sell naming rights to the elements of the Periodic Table, which will hereafter be referred to as the Nokia Periodic Table of the Elements."

The "international society for men who still live with their parents" has a very impressive web site. I thought those guys who live with their parents would be pretty good with the internet.

In the after math of Katrina, the latest "day the music died," George Bush sings "American Lie" ... "Bye-bye My American Joke | Drove my Chevy to the levee | But the levee was broke"

Howard Stern presents ... The World's Smallest Penis Contest

McCready OD's Again - many think it is a second suicide attempt. ... "the onetime country chart-topper revealed she tried to commit suicide earlier this summer because she found out she was pregnant."

Win a Vacation With President Bush! (Landover Baptist)

Headline of the day: "New record for most Valentines sent to guinea pig" Man, they keep track of records on everything! And who would have guessed that Richard Gere was such a romantic?

Texas Tech wins over their third straight patsy. In the best story of the college football season, Tech continued its romp over silly opponents.

  • This week they scored 49 in the first half against Indiana State. ISU is not only a division I-AA team, but a poor one, having stretched their record to 0-4. I don't suppose they would be a good match for the top high school teams in Texas.
  • Last week Tech scored 49 in the first half against another I-AA school, Sam Houston (The Sam Houston Institute of Technology, as we call it here in Texas. That's not the real name, but check out the initials.)
  • Sam Houston is the only Tech opponent to have won a game this year, their only win coming against Bacone College, a tiny school in Muskogee originally "dedicated to the Christian education of American Indians," which somehow managed to avoid a direct matchup with Tech.
  • In Week 1, Tech scored a mere 56-3 victory over Florida International, which is rated #8 in ESPN's bottom ten, is 0-3 for the season, and lost their only conference game 66-24, while allowing their opponents to rewrite their team record book.
  • Not surprisingly, Tech is ranked No. 1 in the nation in scoring offense, and total offense.
  • Next week, Tech plays Kansas, which has also built a 3-0 record against pussy opponents, but has not even won very convincingly. (They played a very tight game against that mighty "bottom ten" powerhouse Florida Atlantic, finally emerging on the winning side of a 30-19 game. At one point Florida Atlantic was ahead 13-12!!).
  • For next year, Tech is hoping to open against DeVry and The University of Phoenix

Sandy Kim finds the zone. He goes the distance, shuts out the Giants, faces only 30 batters, and holds Bonds hitless and walkless - (wait for it) - AT COORS!

  • This is only the sixth complete game shutout ever pitched by a Rockies pitcher at home.
  • What the hell is going on with this guy? After four years of struggling as a middle reliever and spot starter, the Korean pitcher has gone 5-0 for the hapless 64-90 Rockies. He had never pitched a complete game in 35 previous starts for three different teams.

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