The Story of Joanna (1975) is an absolute classic of hard core porn. The following IMDb comment is very well written and worth repeating:

Porn's finest S&M love story shows no signs of aging, 14 January 2000

Author: Dries Vermeulen (gclaey1-2) from Brugge,Belgium

"Gerard Damiano, he who gave the world both Deep Throat and the original Devil in Miss Jones, wanted to film the scandalous French erotic novel Story of O in the worst possible way but didn't want to go to the trouble of acquiring the rights to do so Instead,he wrote an original screenplay based in part on the book,pretty much as he had adapted Sartre's No Exit for Miss Jones,adding a moral (believe it or not) subtext to the whole story. Hauntingly sad-eyed Terri Hall,a former dancer with the Stuttgart Ballet (a skill which served her well here as she performs an exquisite routine in the nude at one point),plays the titular Joanna,an innocent debutante singled out by wealthy womanizer Jason (the always intriguing Jamie Gillis) for degradation. As any long suffering literary heroine worth her salt,Joanna takes it all on the chin (trust me,no pun intended...) in the name of love. There is method to Jason's madness however when we find out that he is dying of a mysterious disease and,as a final grand gesture, wants to be killed by someone who loves him above all else. Setting the story in some vague past (there are hints that these could be either the '20s or '30s yet nothing specific),Damiano weaves a monumentally gloomy melodrama that just happens to contain a considerable number of explicit sex scenes,some of them quite nasty (Joanna receiving a whipping across the thighs in a mirrored room) yet a lot of them also unexpectedly tender,choreographed to resemble sacred rituals. Gorgeously photographed and memorably scored with a mix of real classical music and new tracks emulating well known classical favorites,this stands not only as one of Damiano's finest films but quite simply as one of the very best adult films ever made. "

While I completely understand the above comments, I might point out that this film is so artsy as to be completely pretentious and boring beyond belief. Entirely set to classical music, it includes vaginal. anal and oral sex, bondage, whipping, degradation, shaving, fisting, girl/girl, triple penetration, and, perhaps most startling, a homosexual male blow job. Obviously, we see all of Hall's body parts. Damiano is certainly one of the pioneers of hard core, and this is an important film that every adult cinema history buff will want. Enjoying it is quite another thing. The transfer is as bad as I have seen, clearly due to heavily damaged source material. Considering the condition of the video, and the fact that this is so highly stylized as to lack all heat and passion, I will have to give it a C-.

Other Crap:

• Two of Santa's reindeer were originally named 'Dunder' and 'Blixem,' not 'Donner' and 'Blitzen'. Dunder and Blixem are Dutch for Thunder and Lightning. Donner and Blitzen are German for Thunder and Lightning. For you trivia buffs: "A Visit from Saint Nicholas" made its first print appearance as an anonymous poem in the Troy (NY) Sentinel newspaper on December 23, 1823. It remained anonymous for many years. Clement Moore did not claim it until 1844, and his authorship is still disputed by some.
  • More Christmas trivia. If you are interested in the Clement Moore authorship question, here is a link where you can read the detailed evidence supporting Henry Livingston's authorship of the famous poem.
• The name of the book: "How Walmart Is Destroying America And The World: And What You Can Do About It." The irony: you can save 31% by buying it at Wal-Mart!
• The King William's College quiz, perhaps the hardest test in the world.
• There's a 1-in-300 chance that a recently discovered asteroid, believed to be about 1,300 feet long, could hit Earth on April 13, 2029. At 6:44 AM? Don't panic yet, but if you live in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, especially on the part of Western Avenue near the interstate, you might consider moving at least - oh - 1350 feet away.
• Arafat had $1.3 million invested in a NYC bowling alley popular for bar mitzvahs.
• Federal regulators on Wednesday proposed a $220,000 indecency fine for broadcasting a 'Naked Twister' game - on the radio!
• Banned Bush portrait finds a new home: "A banned painting of U.S. President George W. Bush that is composed of smaller images of monkeys has found a new home, projected on a giant billboard in Manhattan, over the entrance to the Holland Tunnel. "
• MIKE TYSON: "DYING CAN'T BE AS BAD AS LIVING "
• JoBlo.com interviews Wes Anderson about Steve Zissou.
• China has closed 1,129 pornographic web sites since the nationwide crackdown began this July
• Here are the MPAA Torrent Suit Letters asking the internet providers for bittorrent sites to cease and desist (and save the evidence)
• ReasonOnline interviews Grand Moff Michael Powell.
• :: Porno goes reality show :: Lawrence wants to be a porno star, and he gets to try - but the conditions of the show are this: fuck or be fucked. If he can't get it up on camera with a Penthouse Pet, then he gets fucked in the butt.
• 'Nude Bush' artwork dropped: "It is based on Edouard Manet's work Olympia, which hangs in a Paris museum." (Picture available at the link)
• The trailer for Rebound: "Old school meets middle school in this feel-good family comedy starring Martin Lawrence ('Big Momma's House') as the ultimate 'fish out of water.' Lawrence plays a high-strung college basketball coach who must redeem himself following a public meltdown, by leading a junior high school team."
• Keeping Christ in Christmas: First Lady Laura Bush Responds to Outraged E-mails from America's Cruelly Oppressed Christian Zealot Juggernaut  
• New York Daily News gossip columnist makes a New Year's Resolution never to mention Paris Hilton again. This has the excellent ancillary benefit of freeing up lots more space for advertising.
• Headline of the day: No Nudists Allowed on Assateague. Fortunately, it is still possible to get naked on Twatateague, but not from the rear.
• The trailer for Kingdom of Heaven : " ... an epic adventure about a common man who finds himself thrust into a decades-long war. A stranger in a strange land, he serves a doomed king, falls in love with an exotic and forbidden queen, and rises to knighthood. Ultimately, he must protect the people of Jerusalem from overwhelming forces while striving to keep a fragile peace. From Ridley Scott, the master of the modern epic."
• Michael Moore is planning to tackle America's health industry in a new movie tentatively called Sicko. And he's also working on a sequel to his award-winning Fahrenheit 9/11, which will cover George W Bush's second term as president.
• What if A Christmas Carol had been written by someone else? Ayn Rand's version: The ruggedly handsome and weirdly articulate Ebeneezer Scrooge is a successful executive held back by the corrupt morality of a society that hates success and fails to understand the value of selfishness. So Scrooge explains that value in a 272-page soliloquy. Deep down, Scrooge's enemies know that he is right, but they resent him out of a sense of their own inferiority. Several hot sex scenes and unlikely monologues later, Scrooge triumphs over all adversity. Meanwhile, Tiny Tim croaks. Socialized medicine is to blame.
• GALLUP came up with a finding which I never would have realized. The number of atheists in America, while small, is greater than the number practicing all non-Christian religions added together!!
  • Here's the breakdown: Christian 84% , non-religious: 9%, non-Christian religion 5%, no response 2%.
  • No response???? Now think about that. Gallup always asks if you would mind answering some questions, so here's how the phone conversation went. "Would you mind answering some questions about your personal religious beliefs?" "No, not at all." "All right, what ARE your personal religious beliefs?" "I'd rather not say." Boggles the mind. I suppose the 2% are people who worship things they don't want to talk about, possibly The Dark Lord Satan, or maybe even former baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn.
• Steve, don't eat it. From chocolate breast milk to Ralph's "Food Product", which is made with real, mechanically separated chicken paste.
• Now you men can get air fresheners that capture the fragrance you really crave... MEAT!
• Paris Hilton claims she's 'too lazy' to have sex and would rather just kiss.
• USATODAY's Oscar Oracle (It's a good resource. Lots of handy info on one page.)
• Angelina Jolie is the star most men would like to kiss under the mistletoe, while Orlando Bloom is the choice for women.
• Sly Stallone's ex Brigitte Nielsen is reportedly the latest star to sign up for Celebrity Big Brother.
• Letterman's Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Carols
• HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK YOU REALLY DO LIKE THE CRAP THEY GAVE YOU FOR CHRISTMAS!
• Red Sox sign Wade Miller to go with their other free agent pitching prize, Matt Clement
• The intense international trailer for Boogeyman. Looks like a pretty scary haunted house flick, co-produced by Sam Raimi.
• An ex-husband of J-Lo has sued her for alleged breach of contract, claiming he was wrongly fired as the manager of her restaurant. So that's why she gets married and engaged so often. One ex-husband or fiance for every outlet of her restaurant chain. In a couple more years, she'll be able to buy Subway.
• AMERICAN PIE's NADIA TURNS TO PSYCHIC TO SAVE MARRIAGE.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

Three Blind Mice (2003)

• Emilia Fox 1 (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)
• Emilia Fox 2 (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)
• Emilia Fox 3 (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)
• Emilia Fox 4 (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)

Aria Giovanni is one of the busier former Pets. She caught the eye of Andrew Blake a few years ago and has made several videos with him. Mr. Blake is known for making adult movies without the acts that most folk think of when they hear the words, "adult movies." Not much humping, a lot of girls doing girls but in ways that are just a small step up (or down, depending on your point of view) from Skinemax features. That's what you get with Justine (2002): girls doing all manner of things with other girls.

Justine is also the name of the actress (sic) who is in most of this movie (double sic). She's a babe.. too scrawny for my tastes, but she sports a come-on-to-my-house look that would be just a tad difficult to resist if you encountered her in real life.

Aria shows up only here and there. And with her most of the time is internet model Erica Rose Campbell-- I know about the internet part because when I Googled the gal up popped about 6000 sites with about 60,000 images of her. Erica has a shape that meets and excedes the standards set by Aria. In the scene I capped the two of them spend a fair bit o' time rubbing certain body parts together... and they were able to do it while standing in different rooms. Okay, that's a lie. But take a look at collages 1-3 and see what I mean.

Collage 4, 6 and 7 are of Aria by her lonesome. The last two show some furry B. Number 6 is the odd one: it's a scene in which Erica gives bad little Aria a good ol' spanking. Again, not my particular taste but I figure some of my fellow Funhouse readers might wanna get the disk for that scene alone.

And then there is a single collage of Erica alone. She is not what anyone I know would call beautiful of face. But that form? You don't have to be a typical American man to appreciate what Erica brings to the table.

There are many more scenes in this disk... of Justine and a couple of other slim models named Elle Williams and Emily Marilyn. But I gotta tell ya-- I was bored to tears with it all. Same with anyone else who took a gander at Justine. Haven't a clue what market Mr. Andrews is aiming for. but around the shop Justine was a clean miss.

• Aria Giovanni (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

• Erica Rose

First up from the Ghost today...the final installment of his visual review of the Skinemax movie "Exposed" (2003). Today's batch features B-movie regular Julia (Julie) Kruis gettin' nekkid and gettin' it on...a lot. Toplessness everywhere, plus frontal nudity in links 9, 21, 22, 23, 27, 28 and 38.

• Thumbnails (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Julia (Julie) Kruis (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38)

Today's video clips are from the direct-to-vid sequel, "Species III". Zipped .wmvs as usual. Click here to read the Scoopy.com review featuring comment by Scoop and Tuna.

• Amelia Cooke clip #1. Toplessness.
• Amelia Cooke clip #2. Topless and being seriously pounded while gettin' it on in a public restroom.
• Amelia Cooke clip #3, toplessness, brief (but dark) frontal nudity and baring plenty of bum as she walks down a hallway nekkid.

• Sunny Mabrey, toplessness and rear brief views in a few clips from one scene. (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Sunny Mabrey, more breast exposure in two different scenes. (1, 2)

"Young Doctors in Love"
OK, granted, on one level, this 1982 comedy is lame, campy, kind of dumb, and very silly. It's also very, very funny, and a great spoof of soap operas, General Hospital and it's ilk particularly. It also has some great cameos by soap stars, some of whom are still around even 20 years later.

The plot is obvious....life in a big-city hospital. It's a trip, boys and girls, and a lot of fun to watch.

• Kimberly McArthur
• Sean Young
• Peggy Trentini

LEGAL WAIVER FOR SANTA
Cookie Crumbs - The Center for Consumer Freedom, a group that fights lawsuits against the restaurant and food industry, posted a waiver on its website for anyone who plans to leave cookies out for Santa. By signing it, Santa agrees that he is already obese and will not blame you, nor ask his trial lawyer elf to sue you for not providing nutritional info, not offering healthy alternatives such as tofu bars, not warning that yummy cookies may be habit-forming, or for using Christmas lights as manipulative marketing tools to lure Santa in to overeat cookies.