The Betsy (1979)
A dream fulfilled, another shattered.
fulfillment: Kathleen Beller did a frontal nude scene, and I had
such a crush on her. Didn't everyone? It's hard to find a baby
boomer who didn't have a crush on Karen Allen or Kathleen Beller, or
The shattering: One of my idols, Lord Olivier, showed serious
chinks in his previously flawless armor. When I was a young actor, I
wanted to be Olivier. I don't know how many times I watched
Wuthering Heights and Rebecca, studying the way he approached those
roles. I thought he was the acting god. Then I saw this movie, in
which he proved incapable of producing even a poor facsimile of an
American accent. Of curse it is very hard for British actors to play
Americans unless they play Southerners. The "R" sound kills them. On
the other hand, he was supposed to be Olivier, and he was therefore supposed
to come up with something better than a bad impersonation of Johnny
Carson doing Aunt Blabby.
That wasn't the worst of it. The film took place in the late 70s,
but there were flashbacks to the 1930s. He looked absolutely
ludicrous in the scenes where he had to play a younger man. He
looked like one of those old guys who hang around the bars in the
Miami Beach hotels, with their bad comb-overs and their hair soaked
through with Grecian Formula 16. Olivier managed to avoid that look
only because of two things (1) he was playing a rich man, so he
didn't have to wear a pastel jacket with plaid pants (2) he was
still Olivier - best legs in the history of acting - and was able to
walk like a younger man for the short distances in which it was
I guess Olivier doesn't need me to be his apologist, but one must
concede that it was difficult to deliver the dialogue they gave him.
He had to say colorful American old guy shit like, "by cracky",
and "I've been hornswaggled".
The film is based on a Harold Robbins novel. Harold was the ruler
of the best-seller lists for years with his lurid, sexy novels. I
think he sold something like 750 million books. He knew how to write
'em so they'd sell: beautiful, manipulative women, powerful hunky
men. This particular story is basically the TV series Dynasty,
except it's about the car business instead of oil. In this case,
four generations of a fictional Detroit family vie for control of
the family company. Great-grandpa (Olivier) wants to build the next
universal car, ala the Volkswagen and the Model T, a safe,
fuel-efficient car that everyone can afford. His grandson is running
the company, and doesn't want grandpa to succeed for a myriad of
reasons, not the least of which is that his grandpa was making
nice-nice with his mom, before and after his dad killed himself, and
Well, you don't really need any more to get the idea, do you?
Based on our system, this
film is a D. Even if you love big, sweeping, weeping
multi-generation epics, you'll still find this one hard going. It has a powerhouse cast of superstars, and some
good production values, but it is laughably bad and had no value
beyond Kathleen Beller's nudity. I would say "C-" if
it was a good DVD, because the film is bad
enough to have reverse entertainment value, but the entire DVD is
nothing but a very poor full-screen transfer, filled with visual
artifacts, undercontrasted, and just plain ugly.
Road Trip (2000)
You've been going with the same girl since
you were in kindergarten. Now, in college, you in Ithaca,
she in Austin, you still send her a videotaped message
every week. But lately, she's ducking your calls, and
it's obvious she's breaking off with you. You drown your
sorrows by having hot sex with another student, and she
insists on taping it.
Complications enter your life:
1. Your girl isn't
really dumping you. She didn't return all those phone calls
because of a family crisis.
2. Your dumb-ass
roommate mailed off the wrong tape - the hot sex tape - to
thing to do - drive across the country in a mad frenzy,
to get her Monday mail before she does. Of course, bring
along some friends and the guy whose car you have to
borrow, and make it a Road Trip.
required things happen, as per the Animal House Rules:
- wreck the car
- steal a bus from a
school for the blind
- talk back to adults
- donate sperm to get
I think you have the
That crazy Canuck, Tom
Green, is the roommate who doesn't go along. He stays
behind because someone has to feed the snake, and he
enjoys watching the mice die. Plus he's never left Ithaca, and his name
is Barry Manilow. Staying behind gives him a chance to do
plot exposition in the form of his usual dazed schtick
and his expected gross-out humor, at which he is the
master. The entire story is
narrated by Green in flashback, by the way, which is the
ideal setup for inappropriate nudity and jokes because -
well, he's telling the story and he'll tell it his way,
It's a pretty funny
update of the college movie genre. You might say that Road
Trip is to Animal House as American Pie is to Fast Times,
or something like that. In my estimation, American Pie
was an instant classic, actually a much better movie than
Fast Times, joining the immortals in the coming-of-age
market. Road Trip isn't a classic, but it has all the
right ingredients for the genre, keeps the mood light,
and is good, smutty fun with gross-outs and naked chicks, which is
plenty to occupy my simple mind.
I enjoyed it.
- Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.
- Revised encyclopedia volumes: Carre Otis, Amanda Ooms,
Catherine Oxenberg, Miranda Otto, Gretchen Mol, Misty Mundae,
Madonna, Virginia Madsen (no new nudity), Emily Mortimer, Mason
Vietnamese prostitutes are studying English to increase their cash
flow. At last, some use for a degree in English! "Me would love you long time, G.I. Joe
.... But I have to
go. I have my final in 19th Century Romantics tomorrow,
and I really must cram some Keats, because I'm really missing
several of his classical allusions."
- Teenage lesbian Russian singer
CNN is really angry at The Smoking Gun for posting those
CNN obituaries of people who haven't died yet.. Hey, who can blame
them? The Smoking Gun simply reported the facts, and CNN doesn't
recognize that as valid journalism.
- the crazies at
JasonRivera.com interview former Playmate Neriah Davis
continuing the story about CNN's future obits,
their farewell to Iraqi Info Guy, or so somebody would have us
top 100 signs that
you are becoming a werewolf
Playboy will reduce the nudity, and add more solid youth-oriented
content. Yeah, that'll work
Tremendous collection of celebrity high school pictures.
Poorly constructed site. The navigation arrows don't work. You
have to go back to the front page, then click on Page 2 or Page 3,
etc. My favorite - Mr T, and I pity the fool who disagrees.
English chicks get topless at the beach,
The Sun is there.
Former mouseketeer and Pepsi spokesperson goes shopping.
The Sun is there.
top 10 wedding songs to avoid. No mention of the Hokey-Pokey
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick
Locke, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Pat's comments in yellow...
Now You Can Get Drunk Again Right Away! - The Vinprom AC company of
Bulgaria claims it has invented a new vodka that reduces hangovers. Shock
vodka contains a mixture of Vitamins C, B1 and B2, honey, milk and other
bio-active ingredients to speed the body's alcohol absorption and reduce
hangovers. They say a US firm has already expressed interest in importing
it to America.
There's a big market here for health drinks.
Hooray! One less excuse not to drink!
And if you pass out face first in a pool of it, it makes a great skin treatment!
ROBBER SUES VICTIM WHO SHOT HIM
Moral: Shoot To Kill - In Muncie, Indiana, convicted robber and burglar
Willie Brown is suing the convenience store clerk who shot him as he was
fleeing after a holdup. The county D.A. already ruled that the clerk
committed no criminal wrongdoing, but Brown claims he acted "maliciously
and sadistically" and "there was no need for deadly force." Brown was
struck in the back and side, which he claims has "prevented him from
transacting his business."
He hasn't been able to rob a convenience store in WEEKS!
thought JAIL was doing that!
He can't commit armed robbery anymore, but a big jury award is the next
SQUEEZE BRAD PITT'S WAX BUTT
He's So Charmin' - Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in London has unveiled a
new dummy of Brad Pitt with the first lifelike, soft bottom for visitors to
squeeze. An amused Pitt happily provided them with a model of his rear,
which was cast in a foam and silicone mixture for a realistic feel. The
staff said they were always having to wipe lipstick off the original Pitt
dummy and remove panties from his pockets, and when they saw the attention
given to the bottom of their new Kylie Minogue dummy, it inspired them to
do something fun for the women.
This is England: it's not just women squeezing him.
For the men, they're using the same mixture to make Jennifer Aniston's
The Kylie butt is hard and waxy, just like the real thing.
The fake Brad's butt is made from the same foam and silicone mixture
that the real Cher's butt is made from.
They wanted to make one for J-Lo, but they're having a hard time
trucking in enough foam.