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Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

The Betsy (1979)

A dream fulfilled, another shattered.

The fulfillment: Kathleen Beller did a frontal nude scene, and I had such a crush on her. Didn't everyone? It's hard to find a baby boomer who didn't have a crush on Karen Allen or Kathleen Beller, or both.

The shattering: One of my idols, Lord Olivier, showed serious chinks in his previously flawless armor. When I was a young actor, I wanted to be Olivier. I don't know how many times I watched Wuthering Heights and Rebecca, studying the way he approached those roles. I thought he was the acting god. Then I saw this movie, in which he proved incapable of producing even a poor facsimile of an American accent. Of curse it is very hard for British actors to play Americans unless they play Southerners. The "R" sound kills them. On the other hand, he was supposed to be Olivier, and he was therefore supposed to come up with something better than a bad impersonation of Johnny Carson doing Aunt Blabby.

That wasn't the worst of it. The film took place in the late 70s, but there were flashbacks to the 1930s. He looked absolutely ludicrous in the scenes where he had to play a younger man. He looked like one of those old guys who hang around the bars in the Miami Beach hotels, with their bad comb-overs and their hair soaked through with Grecian Formula 16. Olivier managed to avoid that look only because of two things (1) he was playing a rich man, so he didn't have to wear a pastel jacket with plaid pants (2) he was still Olivier - best legs in the history of acting - and was able to walk like a younger man for the short distances in which it was necessary.

I guess Olivier doesn't need me to be his apologist, but one must concede that it was difficult to deliver the dialogue they gave him. He had to  say colorful American old guy shit like, "by cracky", and "I've been hornswaggled".

The film is based on a Harold Robbins novel. Harold was the ruler of the best-seller lists for years with his lurid, sexy novels. I think he sold something like 750 million books. He knew how to write 'em so they'd sell: beautiful, manipulative women, powerful hunky men. This particular story is basically the TV series Dynasty, except it's about the car business instead of oil. In this case, four generations of a fictional Detroit family vie for control of the family company. Great-grandpa (Olivier) wants to build the next universal car, ala the Volkswagen and the Model T, a safe, fuel-efficient car that everyone can afford. His grandson is running the company, and doesn't want grandpa to succeed for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is that his grandpa was making nice-nice with his mom, before and after his dad killed himself, and ...

Well, you don't really need any more to get the idea, do you?

Based on our system, this film is a D. Even if you love big, sweeping, weeping multi-generation epics, you'll still find this one hard going. It has a powerhouse cast of superstars, and some good production values, but it is laughably bad and had no value beyond Kathleen Beller's nudity. I would say "C-" if it was a good DVD, because the film is bad enough to have reverse entertainment value, but the entire DVD is nothing but a very poor full-screen transfer, filled with visual artifacts, undercontrasted, and just plain ugly.



Road Trip (2000)

You've been going with the same girl since you were in kindergarten. Now, in college, you in Ithaca, she in Austin, you still send her a videotaped message every week. But lately, she's ducking your calls, and it's obvious she's breaking off with you. You drown your sorrows by having hot sex with another student, and she insists on taping it.

Complications enter your life:

1. Your girl isn't really dumping you. She didn't return all those phone calls because of a family crisis.

2. Your dumb-ass roommate mailed off the wrong tape - the hot sex tape - to your girlfriend.

Only one thing to do - drive across the country in a mad frenzy, to get her Monday mail before she does. Of course, bring along some friends and the guy whose car you have to borrow, and make it a Road Trip.

The required things happen, as per the Animal House Rules:

  • wreck the car
  • steal a bus from a school for the blind
  • talk back to adults and parents
  • donate sperm to get gas money

I think you have the idea.

That crazy Canuck, Tom Green, is the roommate who doesn't go along. He stays behind because someone has to feed the snake, and he enjoys watching the mice die. Plus he's never left Ithaca, and his name is Barry Manilow. Staying behind gives him a chance to do plot exposition in the form of his usual dazed schtick and his expected gross-out humor, at which he is the master. The entire story is narrated by Green in flashback, by the way, which is the ideal setup for inappropriate nudity and jokes because - well, he's telling the story and he'll tell it his way, dammit!

It's a pretty funny update of the college movie genre. You might say that Road Trip is to Animal House as American Pie is to Fast Times, or something like that. In my estimation, American Pie was an instant classic, actually a much better movie than Fast Times, joining the immortals in the coming-of-age market. Road Trip isn't a classic, but it has all the right ingredients for the genre, keeps the mood light, and is good, smutty fun with gross-outs and naked chicks, which is plenty to occupy my simple mind. I enjoyed it.



  • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.
  • Revised encyclopedia volumes: Carre Otis, Amanda Ooms, Catherine Oxenberg, Miranda Otto, Gretchen Mol, Misty Mundae, Madonna, Virginia Madsen (no new nudity), Emily Mortimer, Mason Marconi



Other crap:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at

  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

'Caps and comments by Brainscan:


The best 4.2 seconds in nekkid celeb cinema boils down to Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times" and Nancy Allen in "Carrie". My choice is Nancy, and seein as how I had the DVD I figured, shoot why not?

I grabbed the best 18 frames in Ms. Allen's bush-revealing, towel-snapping scene and pasted them together in three collages. The full frontal part of it all is in collage 1; the other two show Nancy's upper yummies.

  • Nancy Allen (1, 2, 3)

'Caps and comments by Spaz:

"Suddenly Naked" (2002)
Another film directed by Anne Wheeler who directed the lezzie romance "Better than Chocolate". Wendy Crewson shows all at the ripe age of 46 but still looks fine. From what I hear she recently had a lesbian scene with 24's Leslie Hope on "An Unexpected Love" which aired on the Lifetime network. DVD is only available from Canada, try

"Dangerous Touch" (1994)
A sexy thriller written and directed by Lou Diamond Phillips so he can have love scenes with Kate Vernon. WARNING: some of the caps show a bare-assed Lou Diamond Phillips. Kate Vernon:

"Queer as Folk", season 3
Favorite lesbian couple Michelle Clunie and Thea Gill still going at it in the second episode of season 3. You can see even more of these two in the Queer as Folk season 2 box DVD set which was released earlier this year.

Some other DVDs featuring Canadian actresses:

  • Nicole Oliver (1, 2, 3) obscure voice actress is topless many, many times in "Faithless" (1998). And the bedsheets actually ride down below her hips (unlike the following actresses).

  • Kristin Lehman: nice butt shot in "Dog Park" (1998).

  • Tamara Podemski: Native actress from The Rez tv series is topless in "Johnny Greyeyes" (2000). The only known nudity by any of the Podemski sisters.

Calista Flockhart
(1, 2)

Ally McCheese showing some serious see-thu nipple views while out on the town with Han Solo.

Sarah Chalke The biggest (about 400k) and best 'caps I've seen of her naughty nurse mega-cleavage from "Scrubs".

Amy Smart Looking hot in black lingerie from her recent guest appearance on "Scrubs".

Nastassja Kinski A great find by PAL! A very young (18) and topless Kinski in scenes from "Tatort - Reifezeugnis" (1977), directed by Wolfgang Petersen ("In the Line of Fire", "Air Force One", "The Perfect Storm").

Delia Sheppard
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Señor Skin 'caps of the tall, blonde, former model, former Pet (April '88), B-movie babe and Vegas showgirl baring all in scenes from "Mirror Images" (1991).

Pat Reeder
Pat's comments in yellow...

Now You Can Get Drunk Again Right Away! - The Vinprom AC company of Bulgaria claims it has invented a new vodka that reduces hangovers. Shock vodka contains a mixture of Vitamins C, B1 and B2, honey, milk and other bio-active ingredients to speed the body's alcohol absorption and reduce hangovers. They say a US firm has already expressed interest in importing it to America.

  • There's a big market here for health drinks.
  • Hooray! One less excuse not to drink!
  • And if you pass out face first in a pool of it, it makes a great skin treatment!

    Moral: Shoot To Kill - In Muncie, Indiana, convicted robber and burglar Willie Brown is suing the convenience store clerk who shot him as he was fleeing after a holdup. The county D.A. already ruled that the clerk committed no criminal wrongdoing, but Brown claims he acted "maliciously and sadistically" and "there was no need for deadly force." Brown was struck in the back and side, which he claims has "prevented him from transacting his business."

  • He hasn't been able to rob a convenience store in WEEKS!
  • thought JAIL was doing that!
  • He can't commit armed robbery anymore, but a big jury award is the next best thing.

    He's So Charmin' - Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in London has unveiled a new dummy of Brad Pitt with the first lifelike, soft bottom for visitors to squeeze. An amused Pitt happily provided them with a model of his rear, which was cast in a foam and silicone mixture for a realistic feel. The staff said they were always having to wipe lipstick off the original Pitt dummy and remove panties from his pockets, and when they saw the attention given to the bottom of their new Kylie Minogue dummy, it inspired them to do something fun for the women.

  • This is England: it's not just women squeezing him.
  • For the men, they're using the same mixture to make Jennifer Aniston's breasts.
  • The Kylie butt is hard and waxy, just like the real thing.
  • The fake Brad's butt is made from the same foam and silicone mixture that the real Cher's butt is made from.
  • They wanted to make one for J-Lo, but they're having a hard time trucking in enough foam.