|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
The House Where Evil Dwells (1982)|
I know it sounds like a documentary about 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but in fact
it is a Japanese samurai ghost story.
What, you've never seen one of those?
It begins with a scene set in 1840, near Kyoto. A bald-headed samurai warrior approaches a
house. Well, I guess he's a warrior, because he has a very large sword tucked
into that obi around his waist. You'd have to guess that he isn't a fisherman or
and he's probably not a chef because this was years before Benihana's. I ruled
out "pirate." No parrot. He sees a beautiful woman in the entranceway. He
enters. They engage in a courtship ritual, in which they sip some tea and
exchange glances. They then get on to the actual courtin', in which they
exchange more than glances and she sips her tea from the ol' samovar of love. Wink,
wink, nudge, nudge.
Another warrior approaches the same house. This guy must be a higher-ranking
bald-headed warrior, or at least a more prosperous one, because he has two swords tucked
into his sash. He looks at the paper walls and sees the silhouette of the lovers
embracing, and hoo-boy is he pissed off. We realize that it must be his house,
and the woman must be his wife. We find out that he can use those Ginsu swords to slice and dice
his way through walls, furniture ... even tin cans! Isn't it amazing? Eventually
he uses the swords to chop off the other guy's right arm, and then his dick, and
so forth, until the other guy looks like the Black Knight in that Monty Python
movie. Mr. Two Swords then slices and dices his wife. For his grand finale, the
disgraced warrior kneels down and commits hara-kiri.
Already we have learned two valuable lessons for our next assignment in Japan:
1. If you are a horny one-sword guy, do not choose the wife of a two-sword guy
for your ceremonial lust ritual. You might choose the wife of a pillow
manufacturer, or at most a Swiss Army Knife guy.
2. If you are going to have sex in a house with paper walls, and you just don't
want to extinguish the lamps, be sure to place those lamps between you and the
walls, or you will be entertaining the entire neighborhood with a xxx-rated
shadow puppet show starring Admiral Winky-san.
The film then picks up the main story in 1982, when the ancient real estate agent for
that house finally finds a tenant - the unsuspecting American family of a
writer. "Wow, honey, what a deal. It's a twelve bedroom house on a hillside with
an elaborate garden, and it's only three dollars a month. And everyone said
Japan was so expensive." Of course, the Japanese are smart enough to avoid the
邪悪な家. The Japanese know that the sign means "evil
house," but the Americans can't read Japanese, so the real estate guy translates
it into English as "Future site of MacDonald's", and the Americans are none the
Of course, the house is now inhabited by the ghost of the three Japanese people
who died there in 1840. Amazingly, they all get along just fine now in the
afterlife, and really seem to enjoy their post-death entertainment, which
consists of playing pranks on the new people who enter the house. Their powers
basically consist of the ancient ceremonial "Froggy Gremlin" ritual, which is
called in Japan "plucking the magic twanger." (Rough translation.) For you
younger readers, Froggy
was a little dickens from the Buster Brown kiddie show. He would always pop up
in a puff of smoke, seemingly from nowhere, to plant words into a lecturer's
head through subliminal suggestion, words which the lecturer would then repeat
without thinking. When the kids would laugh at what he conceived to be a somber
moment, it would suddenly dawn on him what he had just said.
Professor (seriously): "And little Dwight was a good boy who always listened to
his parents, did his homework, and ate his spinach, and grew up to be ..."
Froggy: " ... a total jerk."
Professor: " ... a total jerk. (Kids laughing.) No, no, wait ... why did I
Anyway, these three Japanese ghosts have the same subliminal suggestion power as
Froggy. The director shows them superimposing themselves upon one of the living,
at which point the ghost is exercising some mind control.
Wife (Unpossessed): "Honey, why didn't Alex ever get married?"
Husband: "He's picky. I guess he never found anyone who satisfied him."
Wife (Now possessed): "I'll bet I could satisfy him." (Now re-unpossessed):
"Wait ... why did I say that?"
Well, you can guess that their marriage is going to get a little rocky after a
few dozen exchanges like that. Of course, it will inevitably result in her
sampling Alex's own bald-headed warrior. (Hey, how often do you get to see a
50ish Doug McClure naked?) Eventually it will result in a closing sequence
which is a re-creation of the opening sequence, except that the fight is between
Edward Albert and Doug McClure, who are in turn being possessed by the two
This film has some very good moments, especially in the opening scene. It also
has some beautiful photography. Unfortunately, it has two elements which kill it
as a ghost story:
1. Unintentional laughs. Some elements of the ghosts' behavior provoke giggles
rather than scares; Doug McClure looks downright silly in the scenes were he is
possessed and has to do martial arts maneuvers; a scene with giant mumbling
crabs is just ridiculous; in a family dinner scene a possessed Edward Albert
makes his daughter drink soup with a ghost face in it - "C'mon, eat your soup
2. Ultra-slow pacing.
Since the audience is forced to wait too long between the scares, and since half
of the scares come out silly rather than frightening, the film just doesn't
work. It's a ghost story that seems pretty good until the ghosts show up! On the
other hand, my overall impression of the film is not what I expected from the
cellar-dwelling 3.4 rating at IMDb. As I watched this, I didn't feel that I was
watching a terrible, cheesy movie, but rather one that was a regrettable
failure, because it could have been a very good genre flick with just a little
more thought put into it.
NOTE: A typical MGM disc, this DVD has both a widescreen and a full screen
transfer, and you need both to see all the nudity.
Teheran-born Jasmin Tabatabai is a German actress of Iranian descent and she showed no inhibitions whatsoever in 1996's "Die Putzfraueninsel", which translates as "The Island of Cleaning Women." Sorta.|
While the film isn't that interesting, luckily for us it is Jasmin who is doing the cleaning. To be even more specific, she is cleaning herself in the owners' huge bath tub and she doesn't seem to mind very much when someone walks in on her.
I really should find myself a cleaning lady like this, does anyone know where?
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
As promised, today we return to "The Teaser" (1973) and the good old days of Exploitation.
We kick it off with scenes of Rene Bond and Becky Sharpe spending some quality time together. We get full frontal views of both ladies.
Rene Bond and Becky Sharpe
Then, Becky bares her boobs while with a dude. Look closely for a little oral action in #3.
We wrap it up with Rene and a good look at her boob job.
As a bonus, here is one more assorted and fully frontal nude unknown.
First up, a non-Skinemax actress doing a little full frontal nudity in scenes from the small budget film festival flick, "Remembering Sex" aka "Getting Off" (1998). Christine Harnos may or may not be recognized from her long recurring guest spots on NBC's mega-Drama, "ER".
Straying just a tad away from the non-Skinemax theme today...next we have the semi-mainstream actress Gina-Raye Carter making an appearance on the late night cable series "Passion Cove".
|Jessica Simpson showing off a little cleavage at a recent red carpet event.
|Here is Austrian actress Aglaia Szyszkowitz showing just a bit of breast while doing a love scene in "Busenfreunde (2)" (1998).
|The Skin-man helps us take a second look at former Heffer Jenny McCarthy's first on-screen toplessness! Here are some more 'caps from the recently released "Dirty Love" (limited theatrical release in NY, LA, etc). Don't forget to check out the video we posted in yeserday's page!
A little trivia for you...McCarthy not only stars in this flick, she also wrote it.
Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
The trailer for Far Side Of The Moon, a French-language film about a gay television meteorologist and an older brother, a forty-something doctoral student who has repeatedly failed to defend his dissertation. Man - this has "blockbuster" written all over it.
The music video for the song "George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People" by The Legendary K.O.
Gosh! Frickin idiot! Jon Heder Can't Shake Napoleon Dynamite Stigma: "Fledgling actor learns landing the role of a lifetime means landing the role of a lifetime"
You want some cheese on that burgher? The Straight Dope: Did a mob of angry Dutchmen kill and eat their prime minister?
- Whoa! And I though the Czechs had weird customs, but they only throw prime ministers out the window and into horseshit. They rarely, if ever, snack on them.
- Americans have rarely done this, except during the Depression in 1930, when the entire city of Cleveland was saved from starvation by eating former President Taft
Coppola to End 8-Year Absence From Directing
- "In a way it's like a Hitchcock picture and Tim Roth is the Jimmy Stewart - the guy who gets caught up in something fascinating and big."
Naomi Campbell in Columbia to campaign against the international trafficking of women, and to judge a modelling contest.
- "Don't sell women. Get them to sell for you."
- Also she hopes to ask the Columbian Cartel why they picked Kate Moss over her to be their spokesmodel.
And you thought these hurricanes were the worst news of the year ... The Paris-Paris nuptials are off.
October SNL Shows To Feature Meteoric Rising Comedy Stars Steve Carell and 'Napoleon Dynamite's' Jon Heder, plus Oscar Winner Catherine Zeta-Jones and National Hero Lance Armstrong
Elizabethtown - a 10-Minute Extended Clip
Jon Stewart takes a closer look at press secretaries. A look at the people who put a semi-human face on the lack of information we receive.
The Daily Show: Democracy on the Crawl - Germany is facing Das Dualwiktorkeinekanzlormerklenschroederlowenbraudeadheatlickinkopf.
The Daily Show: George Clooney talks about his new movie "Good Night and Good Luck"
The Daily Show: Joyous Palestinians in the Gaza Strip engage in a good old-fashioned pillage-a-thon.
The Daily Show's Rob Corddry investigates a ban on sharp objects in a place where alcohol is freely consumed. (The department of homeland security has prompted a ban on antlers from Lambeau Field, thus shutting down the legendary Packelope.)
2005 NFL Cheerleading Tour - Day 12 : Cincinnati Bengals
Every season there are a few teams on the rise. These are teams that have drafted properly, spent their money wisely, developed a success plan that looks a few years into the future, and had great leadership. After years of frustration and futility, it looks as if the Cincinnati Bengals have finally put the pieces in place to make a play-off run.
The same may be said for the Ben-Gals. They have not been known as one of the elite squads in the NFL, but have made vast improvements over the last few years. Ben-Gal beauties have been turning heads on the sidelines and in off season appearances in men's magazines (such as Maxim). It is too bad that this web site has little to offer us. There is a team photo. There are fine bios of every member of the squad. But what else? Do the Ben-Gals make any appearances around town? Do they participate in any community service? Do they have a swimsuit calendar? It would be nice to know. There is no gallery of try-outs, sideline action, or giving kids candy at a local hospital. There just needs to be more stuff here for the Ben-Gals to get higher on this list. They look like a great group of girls. I would love to see more of what they do! BTW, if there are any new Moms out there looking for inspiration to get back into shape...check out new Mom, Tina. WOW!
Rating 6.0 out of 10.
Apparently Jessica Alba now lives in a bikini at the beach. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
They show this ad on TV? Click on the "Let it Burn" Commercial at the bottom. (Takes a while to load)
French farmer invents milk-based beer, thus allowing Frenchmen to live off a 100% dairy-based diet.
ASHTON KUTCHER VOICEMAIL HACKED
'Lost' finds big ratings Wednesday, Hard Cases is already cancelled after two shows.
You may want to refer to this one from time to time this weekend. Storm News Tracker. The 9:40 entry includes today's front pages of five major newspapers in cities near the action, notably Houston and New Orleans.
Roger Ebert cannot find it in his heart to award so much as a half of a star to Jenny MacCarthy's Dirty Love
Some sample quotes from Mr Ebert's review:
- "Here is a film so pitiful, it doesn't rise to the level of badness. It is hopelessly incompetent."
- "Todd McCarthy, the esteemed film critic of Variety, should have won the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award for generosity after writing the 'whole package has a cheesy look.' This movie is an affront to cheese."
- "Jenny McCarthy has a technologically splendid bosom that should, in my opinion, be put to a better use than being vomited upon."
Jessica Biel to be naked again soon
- "Her next movie, London, features Biel as the title character, a coke addicted model, and it is said to feature not one but FIVE sex scenes with a very naked Jessica Biel. Some people would say that 5 sex scenes in a movie is a bit much, even for a porno, but those people are wrong and need to be punched in the balls. "
The trailer for In the Mix, Usher's new film.
Latino Review has several interviews with David Cronenberg and the cast of A History of Violence
Coty decides to stick by Kate Moss. They hope to make her the public face of their Eau de Crack line. Well, maybe "face" isn' the term I should have chosen. Actually, they plan to make her the public crack of Eau de Crack.
Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Airline Carrier Is About To Go Bankrupt
Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win A Genius Grant
Urban Legends Reference Pages: This snake is not in any way related to Hurricane Katrina, but it is one scary-ass motherfucker.
Cool! The shooting script from The Wild One
Here's the line-up for the 43rd NY Film Festival
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
NYC WOMEN LIKE SEX, HONG KONG MEN DON'T
Sex And The Slutty - Trojan Condoms surveyed 1,639 US women, age 18 to 59,
and found that the "Sex & The City" stereotype is true: 23 percent of New York
women said they have sex at least several times a week, well ahead of women in
L.A. (18 percent) and Dallas, Miami and Chicago (17 percent). And 68 percent
of New York women said they've had sex with someone they considered
"thrilling," but not relationship material. But for all that effort, only 22 percent of
New York women say they have an orgasm during sex.
But they keep trying and trying and trying...
And 78 percent of New York women say they fake it.
The women who want an orgasm go to one of New York's many designer shoe
Of course, it's possible the hookers threw off the curve.
Hong Kong Is Buzzing - A Hong Kong pharmacy chain that's begun selling sex
toys for women alongside shampoo and soap was surprised by the strong sales in
the conservative city. They say it could be explained by two recent surveys
that found couples in Hong Kong have sex less frequently than those in any other
nation studied; and that Hong Kong men are such workaholics, a majority would
rather go to the office than stay home and have sex.
Maybe they're having better sex at the office than at home.
The men also don't buy shampoo or soap, so nobody wants to have sex with
Sales of sex toys are up, sales of baby toys are WAY down.
On the "Dancing With The Stars" rematch, which allowed the winners to be
chosen by the audience, John O'Hurley beat Kelly Monaco, whose earlier win from
the judges sparked rumors of fixed results by angry fans...Between this and
Israel's withdrawal from the West Bank, the healing can finally begin.
The new TV season is barely a week old, and the first cancellation has
already occurred: Fox has axed "Head Cases," starring Chris O'Donnell and Adam
Goldberg as two mentally-unstable lawyers, after two episodes...They'll sue! They just need to find a couple of mentally-unstable
The Lycos Internet search engine listed their top 50 most-searched terms
of the past 10 years, and #1 was "Pamela Anderson," who beat out Paris Hilton,
Britney Spears, Pokemon, N'Sync, "Star Wars," Las Vegas and Christmas...The Internet is an amazing tool, and obviously, so are a lot of us.
|A quick site note
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