Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
I'm your Fun House host today! Junior has the day off.|
DS, from the mailbag
The Crimson Ghost
'Caps and comments by Hankster
Today is a "cleavage" day and who better for that
job than Jennifer Tilly? We have Jennifer in "Jericho Mansion" as she
massages James Caan, invites him into her bed and lets him munch on
those massive hooters.
We also give you some nudity from a couple of babes
in a movie you should never want to see: "Snapped". First up is
Daniela Philips in a scene at the
opening of the movie with her topless and slitting her own throat. (Don't
worry - not at all graphic.)
And toward the end of the flick we have Lindsay Veenendaal getting topless with her boyfriend in bed, until another babe under
the bed puts a knife through him, then jumps up and stabs Lindsay. Again no
real blood seen. So those are the highlights, if that's what you can call
All clips (zipped .avis), caps, and comments by ICMS
Today I present you clips and vidcaps of
Julie Delpy in "La
Passion Béatrice" (1987). They come from the Spanish region 2 DVD,
as far as I know the only available edition of this Bertrand
Tavernier movie. While the image is a very good anamorphic
widescreen transfer, especially the French audio leaves somewhat
to be desired. For those thinking of acquiring this DVD, let me
warn you that it is only in French or Spanish with optioal Spanish
subtitles. Nada inglés, I'm afraid.
Warning: Spoilers ahead.
Now about the movie. To begin with it is 127 minutes long, with
the emphasis on long. Only after 12 seconds I already suspected
that I would be in for a tough ride when
this opening message
appeared. I'll translate for your convenience: "La Passion Béatrice
is a film of emotion rather than a psychological oeuvre. Its
characters are only guided by their interior pulsations. Their
universe is both vaste and fierce, haunted by the powers of the
Hereafter, a univers where the Sacred goes side by side with
Barbary. They are naked beings, possessed, too shaken by the
Forces of Good and Evil to see gray-shades, the clairs-obscurs.
They are wild children. They are what we still are at night, in
our dreams. They are our unconscious(ness)."
Are you getting the picture here? In a nutshell the story deals
with Beatrice de Cortemart (Julie Delpy), a gentle,
God-fearing but naive noblewoman, and her father François
(Bernard-Pierre Donnadieu) against the backdrop of the battle of
Crécy (1346) in which her dad and her brother are taken captive by
the English. Four years later they are finally allowed to return
home after Bea had to sell practically everything they owned
except the castle to pay for their ransom. Now dad was already a
pain in the arse before he left, upon his return he has become
even worse, much worse. In fact he might be the devil
He humiliates his son, who really is a wimp, in public several
times. He thinks his daughter is his personal possession with whom
he can and does have his way, thereby deflowering her in the
process. He loots and kills mercily in the area around his castle
and seems haunted by something. And before I forget, he is
also THE misogynist of all misogynists. I'll give just one
example. Near the end of the movie he says to someone that he
doesn't believe in the Holy Trinity because he can't have faith in
a god that lowers himself to be born out of a female !!! Remember,
those are his words, not mine.
The main reason why I found this to be a very long watch is the
fact that all characters are one-dimensional and practically don't
evolve. Furthermore you expect some kind of explanation for all
this cruel behavior, but none is given, as the beginning
indicates. All this makes that there isn't really a storyline and
to me the film looked more like a succession of "tableaux vivants"
to stay with the painting terms from the movie's introduction.
This of course implies some nice photography, but that alone is
not enough to make a comfartable 127 minutes watch. The dialogues
are merely there to add somewhat to the imagery and are often not
really related to the story. Furthermore the father character is
so despickable that it doesn't allow for a nice viewing and I sure
was glad to see the end credits.
There is a bit of relief after 56 minutes when a young 18 year old
Julie Delpy makes her first shy nude appearance which you can see
in clip 1. However the passage was so dark that my divx converter
couldn't determine the exact image size, but the goodies are there
although you don't see much. The other clips are perfectly fine
though and you can see Julie Delpy in all her glory.
Clips 2 and
happen just after her father has raped his up-till-then-virginal
clip 4 dad wants to marry his daughter and he comes
in with some fabric for the bridal gown. In
clip 5 the bridal gown
is finished and he brings it to Bea in the bath tub to try it on.
Let me put your minds to ease. Béatrice won't end up married to
her father. She does evolve a little bit at the very end, takes
matters into her own hands and solves the problem with dad once
and for all. Finally.
As an extra there's still a
sixth clip of French actress and since
also director Isabelle Nanty, who shows her right breast. The guy
she's breast-feeding is the wimpish brother of Béatrice, Arnaud,
as much of a dreamer as his sister.
Scoop's note: Vejiita completely outdid himself today, with some tremendous
caps of Mimi Rogers, Elizabeth Barondes and Gabriella Hall in Full Body
Massage, a nude-fest which has never come to Region 1 DVD. That alone would
have been a spectacular contribution, but he topped it off with Claire Keim
from "Traquée" and more.
Mr Nude Celeb
|Two rare looks at a very young Diane
Lane. First, Rumblefish ...
|... then her first screen nudity - Ladies and Gentlemen,
The Fabulous Stains
|.Susan Sarandon at the
Elizabethtown premiere with either Cameron Crowe or Stephen Fry. I never
could tell those two apart. Given that it's Crowe's movie, he'd be my
| Eva Mendes with some
kinda sorta see-through action
|Two from the obscure Mean Dog Blues. First a near miss
from Kay Lenz ...
|... then some rare (but modest) nudity from Gilligan's
Ginger, Tina Louise
Here are the latest movie reviews
available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Internet meme of the day - questioning whether Dick Cheney is
- Whoa! No wonder President Bush has been so unresponsive to
this crisis. According to the Constitution, who is supposed to
be in charge when the Real President is incapacitated, leaving
the Figurehead President directionless.
The brave but tiny saga of
Mexican dwarf bullfighters.
Geraldo Rivera & Shep Smith pull no punches in this powerful and
heartbreaking report from N'awlins. I challenge you to keep
a dry eye during this. Geraldo actually broke down in tears on
camera, in frustration over the conditions, and Shep really told
it straight and hard.
President Bush finds a loophole in the Louisiana Purchase and
gives Louisiana back to the French
Family Guy - Peter finds that being "retarded" has its
Transporter 2 wins the weekend box office.
- I'd have to say that the real winner for the weekend was
The Constant Gardener, which finished a surprising third (the
Warrior had called it fifth), and finished on the very top in
revenues per screen. It also garnered some excellent reviews
along the way (more than 80% of the reviews were positive).
- Transporter 2 broke the all-time Labor Day Weekend box
office record, and the weekend grosses were actually higher
than the results during the same weekend last year.
The trailer for Forty Shades of Blue
- "'Forty Shades of Blue' tells the story of Laura, a young
Russian woman living in Memphis with a much older rock n' roll
legend, and the personal awakening she experiences in the wake
of her unfortunate affair with his estranged son.
Robin Givens is getting her Broadway debut as the new Roxie Hart
Britney Spears orders a new wedding ring. In her
characteristically eloquent way, she explained, "I want
something that's not as pokey-outy."
Here is another spin on Spicoli's rescue efforts in which the
reporter claims Penn has been helpful and heroic.
"Courtney Love begged me for lesbian sex in front of Gandhi"
Bush picks Roberts to succeed Rehnquist as Chief Justice.
Incredibly dumb Nazi sabotage attempts on Britain. Exploding
chocolates. Fake headlines. This reads like a National Lampoon
article, but appears to be for real.
Another story about Spicoli, with a picture of him trying to
bail water with a red plastic cup.
An October 2004 National geographic article about the
catastrophic danger of a hurricane hitting Louisiana.
"Comedy Central picks Sarah Silverman to stand in during Dave
Chappelle's absence." (Funny video)
An illustrated Newsweek article about the new Superman movie.
The Constant Gardener - a good review from The Filthy Critic,
but minus most of his usual wit.
Best comedy festival gags from Edinburgh.
- "My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that
we spent most of our family holidays in Customs."
Kate Winslet voted hottest MILF
Spicoli wipes out!
It's an instant classic. Penn shows up to rescue people,
hires a boat. Only three problems. (1) The boat's motor doesn't
work (2) The boat leaks (3) The boat is filled with Penn's
- "The outspoken actor had planned to rescue children
waylaid by the deadly waters, but apparently forgot to plug a
hole in the bottom of the vessel, which began taking water
within seconds of its launch. When the boat's motor failed to
start, those aboard were forced to paddle themselves down the
flooded New Orleans street. With the boat loaded with members
of the Oscar-winner's entourage, including his personal
photographer, one bystander taunted: 'How are you going to get
any people in that thing?'"
Here is another version of the story, which reports that
the boat sank, and says, "Penn was seen frantically bailing
water out of the sinking vessel with a red plastic cup that
eventually was not enough."
- Actors? Sinking ships? Shouldn't Billy Zane be a part of
Pat Reeder (comedy-wire.com)
DINOSAURS HAD FEATHERS!
World's Biggest Cock - Leading paleontologist Gareth Dyke of University College
Dublin says the "Jurassic Park" image of dinosaurs is wrong, and it is now
irrefutable that they were covered in feathers. Dinosaur fossils found in
China, preserved by a volcanic eruption, still have their feathery plumage,
including an ancestor of Tyrannosaurus rex. Dyke says museums may have to
change all their dinosaur models, because they looked more like birds than
reptiles, and it's likely the T-rex actually resembled "a giant chick."
* It was SO CUTE!
* Think how much money Spielberg could've made if the T-rex in "Jurassic Park"
had looked like a baby penguin!
* When smaller animals collapsed in helpless laughter, the T-rex ate them.
* And they made nests that looked like giant Easter baskets.
OXYGEN BY PRESCRIPTION ONLY
But Those Things Don't Require A Prescription - An oxygen bar at the Nebraska
State Fair has been warned it might be violating state and federal drug laws by
dispensing oxygen without a prescription. The FDA says people can stop
breathing if they get too much oxygen, although the American Lung Association
says the low-flow oxygen at oxygen bars won't hurt anyone. One oxygen bar owner
said if they're so concerned about oxygen at the state fair, they should be
equally concerned about the beer, fried foods and cigarettes.
* Especially if they're lighting up cigarettes inside the
* Fairgoers mostly inhale deep-fried Twinkies.
* This could be the only chance Nebraska pig farmers ever get to breathe clean
WOMAN CLAIMS KISS BLINDED HER
Nuclear Mistletoe - Louise Kelsey, 58, of Melbourne, Australia, is suing the
Park Hyatt Hotel, where she used to work as a maid. She claims that in 2001, a
soccer player who was there from Uruguay for the World Cup stole a kiss from
her, sparking post-traumatic stress disorder that left her legally blind. The
hotel doesn't deny she was kissed, but they got a skeptical doctor to testify
that it must've been "the most powerful kiss in history."
* It must be: she closed her eyes for it, and still
hasn't remembered to open them.
* And he was a soccer player! Imagine if he'd used his hands!
* Maybe it was the shock of seeing a soccer player's teeth close up.
* The doctor saw Louise and said the soccer player must've been legally
DANGEROUS STRIP CLUB NEWS ROUND-UP
Nightmare Girl - Topless dancer Lawanda Dixon of San Diego, California,
apparently doesn't take no for an answer. She was dancing at the Dream Girls
Cabaret when she reportedly asked customer Melik Jordan if he wanted a lap
dance. Police said when he said no, she got upset and argued with him, then
pulled a small knife out of her bag and stabbed him. Jordan was treated and
released. Dixon was charged with assault.
* And she got NO tip!
* When are women gonna learn that "no" means "no!"
* That's why men get so many lap dances...We're scared NOT to!
Only In Fantasy World!
TheSmokingGun.com reports that Craig Everett and Malik
Wakji, both 18, will never forget their first trip to a strip club. They went
to Fantasy World in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and each sat through 41 consecutive
lap dances. At the end, they were presented with a bill nearly $2500. They had
only $550, and explained that they didn't know a new lap dance started whenever
a new song began. Since the music was non-stop, they thought that's how long
one lap dance lasted. The cops weren't sympathetic: the teens are charged with
a felony for falsely obtaining services.
* There were also hospitalized for lap chafing.
* This is nothing: wait'll their parents see this month's phone sex bill.
* They thought a lap dance lasted until they were sexually exhausted, and
they're both 18.
HOLLYWOOD NEEDS MORE PENGUINS
Well, They DO... - Summer movie season officially ends today, and US box office
grosses were $3.6 billion, down 9 percent from last summer, while attendance was
the lowest since 1997. Steven Friedlander, head of distribution for Warner
Independent Pictures, which released "March of the Penguins," said that "in an
ideal world," studios would think it meant they had to be more creative,
"but I'm afraid what's going to happen is, we're all going to sit in a room and
say, `We need more penguin movies.'"
* With lots of digital effects, to make the penguins
talk, and fly, and blow up!
* Movies WERE better when they were black and white.
* "Grizzly Man" was a hit documentary, too...How about a remake, with a bear
eating Ben Affleck? I'd pay to see that.
Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email
address is firstname.lastname@example.org
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