Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
I'm your Fun House host today! Junior has the day off.
DS, from the mailbag
 Uncle Scoopy.

I recently finished up a Bond-athon by watching “Never Say Never Again.” This would have to be one of the worst Bond flicks of all time. Worse than either of the Timothy Dalton’s. Granted, it was better than “Moonraker”, but then again, so was “From Justin to Kelly...”. Let’s put it this way, Mr. Bean provided the comic relief and he was not up to his usual high caliber performance. I recommend watching “Goldfinger” or the original “Thunderball” to cleanse your James Bond pallet.

But the reason I’m writing is because of Kim Basinger. In this movie there is at least one shot in which there appears to be some see through action (in the pink leotard). Is there something there, or is it just a pigment of my infatuation?

I threw in some other caps I did from the movie. My apologies in advance for the caps, and my invitation to anyone out there who wishes to provide better caps. These are not necessarily the best caps, but early ‘80s Kim Basinger is never a bad thing!


The Crimson Ghost

"Beverly Hills Bordello"

Renee Townsend


'Caps and comments by Hankster
Today is a "cleavage" day and who better for that job than Jennifer Tilly? We have Jennifer in "Jericho Mansion" as she massages James Caan, invites him into her bed and lets him munch on those massive hooters.
 We also give you some nudity from a couple of babes in a movie you should never want to see: "Snapped". First up is Daniela Philips in a scene at the opening of the movie with her topless and slitting her own throat. (Don't worry - not at all graphic.)
 And toward the end of the flick we have Lindsay Veenendaal getting topless with her boyfriend in bed, until another babe under the bed puts a knife through him, then jumps up and stabs Lindsay. Again no real blood seen. So those are the highlights, if that's what you can call them.


All clips (zipped .avis), caps, and comments by ICMS

 Today I present you clips and vidcaps of Julie Delpy in "La Passion Béatrice" (1987). They come from the Spanish region 2 DVD, as far as I know the only available edition of this Bertrand Tavernier movie. While the image is a very good anamorphic widescreen transfer, especially the French audio leaves somewhat to be desired. For those thinking of acquiring this DVD, let me warn you that it is only in French or Spanish with optioal Spanish subtitles. Nada inglés, I'm afraid.

Warning: Spoilers ahead.

Now about the movie. To begin with it is 127 minutes long, with the emphasis on long. Only after 12 seconds I already suspected that I would be in for a tough ride when this opening message appeared. I'll translate for your convenience: "La Passion Béatrice is a film of emotion rather than a psychological oeuvre. Its characters are only guided by their interior pulsations. Their universe is both vaste and fierce, haunted by the powers of the Hereafter, a univers where the Sacred goes side by side with Barbary. They are naked beings, possessed, too shaken by the Forces of Good and Evil to see gray-shades, the clairs-obscurs. They are wild children. They are what we still are at night, in our dreams. They are our unconscious(ness)."

Are you getting the picture here? In a nutshell the story deals with Beatrice de Cortemart (Julie Delpy), a gentle, God-fearing but naive noblewoman, and her father François (Bernard-Pierre Donnadieu) against the backdrop of the battle of Crécy (1346) in which her dad and her brother are taken captive by the English. Four years later they are finally allowed to return home after Bea had to sell practically everything they owned except the castle to pay for their ransom. Now dad was already a pain in the arse before he left, upon his return he has become even worse, much worse. In fact he might be the devil reincarnated.

He humiliates his son, who really is a wimp, in public several times. He thinks his daughter is his personal possession with whom he can and does have his way, thereby deflowering her in the process. He loots and kills mercily in the area around his castle and seems haunted by something. And before I forget, he is also THE misogynist of all misogynists. I'll give just one example. Near the end of the movie he says to someone that he doesn't believe in the Holy Trinity because he can't have faith in a god that lowers himself to be born out of a female !!! Remember, those are his words, not mine.

The main reason why I found this to be a very long watch is the fact that all characters are one-dimensional and practically don't evolve. Furthermore you expect some kind of explanation for all this cruel behavior, but none is given, as the beginning indicates. All this makes that there isn't really a storyline and to me the film looked more like a succession of "tableaux vivants" to stay with the painting terms from the movie's introduction. This of course implies some nice photography, but that alone is not enough to make a comfartable 127 minutes watch. The dialogues are merely there to add somewhat to the imagery and are often not really related to the story. Furthermore the father character is so despickable that it doesn't allow for a nice viewing and I sure was glad to see the end credits.

There is a bit of relief after 56 minutes when a young 18 year old Julie Delpy makes her first shy nude appearance which you can see in clip 1. However the passage was so dark that my divx converter couldn't determine the exact image size, but the goodies are there although you don't see much. The other clips are perfectly fine though and you can see Julie Delpy in all her glory. Clips 2 and 3 happen just after her father has raped his up-till-then-virginal daughter. In clip 4 dad wants to marry his daughter and he comes in with some fabric for the bridal gown. In clip 5 the bridal gown is finished and he brings it to Bea in the bath tub to try it on.

Let me put your minds to ease. Béatrice won't end up married to her father. She does evolve a little bit at the very end, takes matters into her own hands and solves the problem with dad once and for all. Finally.

As an extra there's still a sixth clip of French actress and since also director Isabelle Nanty, who shows her right breast. The guy she's breast-feeding is the wimpish brother of Béatrice, Arnaud, as much of a dreamer as his sister.



Scoop's note: Vejiita completely outdid himself today, with some tremendous caps of Mimi Rogers, Elizabeth Barondes and Gabriella Hall in Full Body Massage, a nude-fest which has never come to Region 1 DVD. That alone would have been a spectacular contribution, but he topped it off with Claire Keim from "Traquée" and more.


Full Body Massage

Mimi Rogers
Gabriella Hall
Elizabeth Barondes


Claire Keim in Traquée
Sandrine Le Berre in Un bruit qui rend fou
Flora Montgomery from "When Brendan Met Trudy."

Mr Nude Celeb

Another Nude classic, Wild Orchid.

Here's the star, Carre Otis

Assumpta Serna
Anya Sartor  


Two rare looks at a very young Diane Lane. First, Rumblefish ...  
... then her first screen nudity - Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains
.Susan Sarandon at the Elizabethtown premiere with either Cameron Crowe or Stephen Fry. I never could tell those two apart. Given that it's Crowe's movie, he'd be my guess.
 Eva Mendes with some kinda sorta see-through action
Two from the obscure Mean Dog Blues. First a near miss from Kay Lenz ...
... then some rare (but modest) nudity from Gilligan's Ginger, Tina Louise
Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap
Internet meme of the day - questioning whether Dick Cheney is still alive.
  • Whoa! No wonder President Bush has been so unresponsive to this crisis. According to the Constitution, who is supposed to be in charge when the Real President is incapacitated, leaving the Figurehead President directionless.

The brave but tiny saga of Mexican dwarf bullfighters.

Geraldo Rivera & Shep Smith pull no punches in this powerful and heartbreaking report from N'awlins. I challenge you to keep a dry eye during this. Geraldo actually broke down in tears on camera, in frustration over the conditions, and Shep really told it straight and hard.

President Bush finds a loophole in the Louisiana Purchase and gives Louisiana back to the French

Family Guy - Peter finds that being "retarded" has its advantages

Transporter 2 wins the weekend box office.

  • I'd have to say that the real winner for the weekend was The Constant Gardener, which finished a surprising third (the Warrior had called it fifth), and finished on the very top in revenues per screen. It also garnered some excellent reviews along the way (more than 80% of the reviews were positive).
  • Transporter 2 broke the all-time Labor Day Weekend box office record, and the weekend grosses were actually higher than the results during the same weekend last year.

The trailer for Forty Shades of Blue

  • "'Forty Shades of Blue' tells the story of Laura, a young Russian woman living in Memphis with a much older rock n' roll legend, and the personal awakening she experiences in the wake of her unfortunate affair with his estranged son.

Robin Givens is getting her Broadway debut as the new Roxie Hart in 'Chicago.'

Britney Spears orders a new wedding ring. In her characteristically eloquent way, she explained, "I want something that's not as pokey-outy."

Here is another spin on Spicoli's rescue efforts in which the reporter claims Penn has been helpful and heroic.

"Courtney Love begged me for lesbian sex in front of Gandhi"

Bush picks Roberts to succeed Rehnquist as Chief Justice.

Incredibly dumb Nazi sabotage attempts on Britain. Exploding chocolates. Fake headlines. This reads like a National Lampoon article, but appears to be for real.

Another story about Spicoli, with a picture of him trying to bail water with a red plastic cup.

An October 2004 National geographic article about the catastrophic danger of a hurricane hitting Louisiana.

"Comedy Central picks Sarah Silverman to stand in during Dave Chappelle's absence." (Funny video)

An illustrated Newsweek article about the new Superman movie.

The Constant Gardener - a good review from The Filthy Critic, but minus most of his usual wit.

Best comedy festival gags from Edinburgh.

  • "My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs."

Kate Winslet voted hottest MILF

Spicoli wipes out!

It's an instant classic. Penn shows up to rescue people, hires a boat. Only three problems. (1) The boat's motor doesn't work (2) The boat leaks (3) The boat is filled with Penn's personal entourage.

  • "The outspoken actor had planned to rescue children waylaid by the deadly waters, but apparently forgot to plug a hole in the bottom of the vessel, which began taking water within seconds of its launch. When the boat's motor failed to start, those aboard were forced to paddle themselves down the flooded New Orleans street. With the boat loaded with members of the Oscar-winner's entourage, including his personal photographer, one bystander taunted: 'How are you going to get any people in that thing?'"
  • Here is another version of the story, which reports that the boat sank, and says, "Penn was seen frantically bailing water out of the sinking vessel with a red plastic cup that eventually was not enough."
  • Actors? Sinking ships? Shouldn't Billy Zane be a part of this?

Pat Reeder (comedy-wire.com)

World's Biggest Cock - Leading paleontologist Gareth Dyke of University College Dublin says the "Jurassic Park" image of dinosaurs is wrong, and it is now irrefutable that they were covered in feathers.  Dinosaur fossils found in China, preserved by a volcanic eruption, still have their feathery plumage, including an ancestor of Tyrannosaurus rex.  Dyke says museums may have to change all their dinosaur models, because they looked more like birds than reptiles,  and it's likely the T-rex actually resembled "a giant chick."

*  It was SO CUTE!
*  Think how much money Spielberg could've made if the T-rex in "Jurassic Park" had looked like a baby penguin!
*  When smaller animals collapsed in helpless laughter, the T-rex ate them.
*  And they made nests that looked like giant Easter baskets.

But Those Things Don't Require A Prescription - An oxygen bar at the Nebraska State Fair has been warned it might be violating state and federal drug laws by dispensing oxygen without a prescription.  The FDA says people can stop breathing if they get too much oxygen, although the American Lung Association says the low-flow oxygen at oxygen bars won't hurt anyone.  One oxygen bar owner said if they're so concerned about oxygen at the state fair, they should be equally concerned about the beer, fried foods and cigarettes.

*  Especially if they're lighting up cigarettes inside the oxygen bar.
*  Fairgoers mostly inhale deep-fried Twinkies.
*  This could be the only chance Nebraska pig farmers ever get to breathe clean air.

Nuclear Mistletoe - Louise Kelsey, 58, of Melbourne, Australia, is suing the Park Hyatt Hotel, where she used to work as a maid.  She claims that in 2001, a soccer player who was there from Uruguay for the World Cup stole a kiss from her, sparking post-traumatic stress disorder that left her legally blind. The hotel doesn't deny she was kissed, but they got a skeptical doctor to testify that it must've been "the most powerful kiss in history."

*  It must be: she closed her eyes for it, and still hasn't remembered to open them.
*  And he was a soccer player!  Imagine if he'd used his hands!
*  Maybe it was the shock of seeing a soccer player's teeth close up.
*  The doctor saw Louise and said the soccer player must've been legally  blind, too.

Nightmare Girl - Topless dancer Lawanda Dixon of San Diego, California, apparently doesn't take no for an answer.  She was dancing at the Dream Girls Cabaret when she reportedly asked customer Melik Jordan if he wanted a lap dance.  Police said when he said no, she got upset and argued with him, then pulled a small knife out of her bag and stabbed him.  Jordan was treated and released.  Dixon was charged with assault.

*  And she got NO tip!
*  When are women gonna learn that "no" means "no!"
*  That's why men get so many lap dances...We're scared NOT to!

Only In Fantasy World!

TheSmokingGun.com reports that Craig Everett and Malik Wakji, both 18, will never forget their first trip to a strip club.  They went to Fantasy World in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and each sat through 41 consecutive lap dances.  At the end, they were presented with a bill nearly $2500. They had only $550, and explained that they didn't know a new lap dance started whenever a new song began.  Since the music was non-stop, they thought that's how long one lap dance lasted.  The cops weren't sympathetic: the teens are charged with a felony for falsely obtaining services.

*  There were also hospitalized for lap chafing.
*  This is nothing: wait'll their parents see this month's phone sex bill.
*  They thought a lap dance lasted until they were sexually exhausted, and they're both 18.

Well, They DO... - Summer movie season officially ends today, and US box office grosses were $3.6 billion, down 9 percent from last summer, while attendance was the lowest since 1997.  Steven Friedlander, head of distribution for Warner Independent Pictures, which released "March of the Penguins," said that "in an ideal world," studios would think it meant they had to be more creative,  "but I'm afraid what's going to happen is, we're all going to sit in a room and say, `We need more penguin movies.'"

*  With lots of digital effects, to make the penguins talk, and fly, and blow up!
*  Movies WERE better when they were black and white.
*  "Grizzly Man" was a hit documentary, too...How about a remake, with a bear eating Ben Affleck?  I'd pay to see that.


Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is tuna@scoopy.com

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