"Fair Game"

Fair Game (1995) is one of those actioners that people love to dump on, but is not mind-numbingly bad. Cindy Crawford is a divorce lawyer. and has no idea that her discovery of and demand for assets her client's husband had hidden threatened to spoil a multi-million dollar caper. Her first clue is when a gunshot narrowly misses her, but she is not even sure it was meant for her. That night, turning on her TV activates a shaped charge of plastic explosives that would have killed her had she not been standing on the balcony. William Baldwin is the cop on the case, and the two start on the run with a hit squad of former KJB operatives using electronics to track them. It is half action and half cat and mouse, but leans ever more heavily on the action as the film goes on.

Crawford has a very good wet T-shirt shot at the end, pokes out of several outfits, and her character shows breasts twice. My guess is that the breasts are a double for two reasons. First, there was nothing about either shot that precluded showing her face, and second, a few frames reveal that she was wearing a bra in a shower scene. IMDB readers have this at IMDb has it at 3.9 of 10, which is way out of line.Critics were pretty much universal in trashing the film. I don't see why. There are great special effects, lots of action, some of it innovative, some intentional humor, and decent production standards. IN the right mood, it is watchable. C-.

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  • Cindy Crawford (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)

    "Double Whammy"

    Double Whammy (2001) is, as near as I can tell, a straight to vid with an all star task. We have Denis Leary and Steve Buscemi as New York detectives. Leary goes into a fast food place, when someone goes postal. When he tries to jump up and shoot him, his back goes out, he falls on a bananna peel, and loses his gun. While the gunman is reloading, a lid picks up the gun and blows the gunman away. The kid is the toast of New York, and Leary is the laughing stock. His boss puts him on administrative duty until his back completely recovers, and he goes to a chiropractor, who turns out to be Elizabeth Hurley. Se manages to heal him, and the two develop a sexual relationship, although Leary is still trying to get over the accidental death of his wife and daughter.

    Louis Guzman is the super in his building, and is having some trouble with a rebellious adolescent daughter. There are two illiterate and inept bad guys, and two men who are working on writing a screenplay. So, the character arc for Leary is, will he redeem himself, get over the loss of his wife, and succeed in his relationship with Hurley.

    IMDB readers have this at 5.7 of 10, which is probably about right. There are two many characters, the sub-plots are not completely fleshed out, and there is really no build-up of tension. Critics mostly describe it as neither very good nor very bad, but watchable, if not memorable. We get a look at one of Hurley's nipples in a sex scene, and see her in a flimsy bra. I found it a fast watch with a few inspired comic scenes, and enough going on to hold my interest. C.

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  • Elizabeth Hurley (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Animal House (1978)

    Everyone has his favorite moment in Animal House. Tuna likes the Peeping Tom scene. Celebrity Sleuth likes the Road Trip. My favorite is a simple, fleeting, wordless moment. The camera is on Belushi's face when the Delta president is showing slides of the new recruits. Bluto is uninterested, probably thinking "who cares, are we out of beer?", when his face changes dramatically, fixed in horror. The camera then cuts away from his face, and we see the goofy high school yearbook picture of Flounder on the screen, being pelted with food and beer by the booing Deltas. It would have been a good scene even without Belushi, but his facial expression transformed it into comedy magic.

    Someone told a marvelous bittersweet anecdote about a visit he made to John's grave on Martha's Vineyard. There was a hand-written sign taped to the stone. "He could have given us decades more of laughs, but no-o-o-o-o-o- ..."

    To tell you the truth, I was disappointed with the new Double Secret Probationary Edition of Animal House, for the following reasons:

    1. It's dark. You'd think they would have cleaned and brightened it when they remastered the whole thing.

    2. There was originally another 66 minutes of footage which was cut from the film after the initial screenings. It wasn't cut because the footage sucked. It was an economic decision. They knew from the preview audiences that the film would be a monster hit. Cutting it to 1:49 allowed them to run it three times per evening. At the original 175 minute running time, only two evening showings would have been possible per day per screen. Chris Miller, one of the three co-authors of the script, also wrote an illustrated paperback book which expanded upon the story within the time frame of the movie, and told some anecdotes and legends about the history of Delta House. This book gave us some idea of what was in the extended footage. Some of the material in his paperback merely expanded the roles of the minor characters like Mothball, Hardbar, and Stork, but some of it was fascinating material which provided more laughs and more insights.

    • Did you know why Pinto was called Pinto? The final cut of the movie doesn't say (Bluto simply says, "Why not?"), but there was an explanation. In his childhood he had an accident which caused his dick to become spotted, like the hide of a Pinto pony.

    • Interestingly, the final cut of the film lost what I thought was the most poster-friendly line in the movie. Bluto, speaking of getting revenge on Dean Wormer, says, "if you're gonna fuck with the eagles, you better learn how to fly."

    • Didn't you wonder what happened to Flounder's cute little home-town girlfriend, or what Otter said in the rest of his pro-Flounder speech, which was obviously truncated? Did you wonder why some guy named Bruce Bonnheim, playing B.B., is listed in the cast above Boon, Hoover, and D-Day? I don't even know who the hell he is, but obviously he must have been more important in an earlier cut.

    Maybe I'll write an expanded article on this subject someday. For today, however, the big question is this - "what happened to the other 66 minutes?" OK, maybe it sucks, maybe it's in bad condition, but if it exists in any form,  we fans wanna see it. The special edition DVD would have been an ideal place to showcase the deleted footage. That's the very reason why DVD was invented.

    It would have been great.

    But no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o ........

    (cough) blowjob (cough)

    Info page and critical summaries here






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    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
    Two lovely ladies bare all in scenes from the 1992 UK mini-series "The "Camomile Lawn"

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    Jennifer Garner
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Garner looking gorgeous in a bikini in these scenes from "Alias".

    Estella Warren
    (1, 2)

    The Canadian model/actress and former synchronized swimmer wearing a seriously tight and properly stuffed tank top in scenes from "Kangaroo Jack". In link #2 she's soaking wet, but it looks like any pokies or see-thru views were probably digitally removed by the studio. After all, no-one can be that wet in a white t-shirt and not reveal something! Great collages by DeadLamb.

    Barbara Bouchet
    Dayle Haddon
    Edwige Fenech

    Three Euro-babes giving up some skin in scenes from the 1976 movie "Sex with a Smile". All 3 are topless, Haddon also bares her bum, and Fenech goes full frontal.

    Abigail Cruttenden
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

    Toplessness, rear nudity and even a far off full frontal view (link #5) in scenes from the 1993 UK mini-series "Love On a Branch Line".

    Helen Mirren
    (1, 2, 3)

    Saskia Wickham
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12) )

    Señor Skin 'caps from the movie "Prince of Jutland" aka "Royal Deceit" (1994). Wickham shows off some very nice breast exposure, Mirren shows bush.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Jerk In The Box - Charles McKinley, 25, sealed himself in a crate and had himself shipped home from New York to the Dallas suburb of DeSoto. After 17 hours inside, he used a crowbar to pry open the box, popped out on his parents' doorstep, shook the hand of the shocked delivery man, and walked away. The delivery man called police, who arrested him on some outstanding warrants. He also sparked an FBI investigation to find out how airports can have such tight security on passengers but miss people sealed in crates.

  • Especially since he passed the 17 hours by practicing his opera singing.
  • Terrorists do this all the time...They just wait for the delivery man to drive away.
  • You'd think the air holes in the crate might've tipped them off.
  • It was actually roomier than flying coach.
  • It also ticked off David Blaine: this guy stole his next stunt idea.

    Public Enemy #1 - Tuesday, the music industry settled its lawsuit against 12-year-old honor student Brianna LaHara of New York for downloading songs off the Internet. Brianna said she loves music and didn't mean to hurt the artists she loves. Her mom had to admit Brianna's actions were illegal and pay the RIAA $2,000. But the case cost the industry millions in bad publicity: Brianna's family lives in a public housing project, and they thought their monthly ISP fee paid for access to file-sharing sites.

  • She got off easy: the music industry wanted jail time.
  • Somebody should ground the music industry's lawyers for a month.
  • Brianna can't afford to get an education now, but she can always go into the music industry.

    Goodbye, Arnold - The Dixie Chicks are speaking out on politics again. This time, it's Emily Robinson, who during the Chicks' European tour told the German paper Abendzeitung that the idea of Arnold Schwarzenegger running for California governor is "absolutely insane" and "I hope he doesn't win." She said, "America should be governed by people who have a clue."

  • Don't ask her to get more specific: she doesn't have a clue.
  • If there's one thing the Dixie Chicks hate, it's clueless entertainers who stick their noses into politics.
  • The Dixie Chicks' records have now been yanked off of every country radio station in Austria.

    The Horror! - In a poll of 4,000 video customers by the British rental chain Choices Video, "The Exorcist" was voted the most terrifying movie ever, followed by "The Shining." Freddy Kruger was named scariest male, while Kathy Bates in "Misery" was the scariest female. And Jack Nicholson's "Heeeere's Johnny!" was named the most terrifying line.

  • No, that would be Kathy Bates saying to Jack Nicholson in "About Schmidt," "Mind if I join you?" before dropping her robe and getting into a hot tub naked.
  • Kathy Bates had stiff competition, but she cut them off at the ankles.
  • Of course, the most horrifying movie of all time was "Gigli."