Fair Game (1995) is one of those actioners that people love to dump on, but is not mind-numbingly bad. Cindy Crawford is a divorce lawyer. and has no idea that her discovery of and demand for assets her client's husband had hidden threatened to spoil a multi-million dollar caper. Her first clue is when a gunshot narrowly misses her, but she is not even sure it was meant for her. That night, turning on her TV activates a shaped charge of plastic explosives that would have killed her had she not been standing on the balcony. William Baldwin is the cop on the case, and the two start on the run with a hit squad of former KJB operatives using electronics to track them. It is half action and half cat and mouse, but leans ever more heavily on the action as the film goes on.

Crawford has a very good wet T-shirt shot at the end, pokes out of several outfits, and her character shows breasts twice. My guess is that the breasts are a double for two reasons. First, there was nothing about either shot that precluded showing her face, and second, a few frames reveal that she was wearing a bra in a shower scene. IMDB readers have this at IMDb has it at 3.9 of 10, which is way out of line.Critics were pretty much universal in trashing the film. I don't see why. There are great special effects, lots of action, some of it innovative, some intentional humor, and decent production standards. IN the right mood, it is watchable. C-.

Animal House (1978)

Everyone has his favorite moment in Animal House. Tuna likes the Peeping Tom scene. Celebrity Sleuth likes the Road Trip. My favorite is a simple, fleeting, wordless moment. The camera is on Belushi's face when the Delta president is showing slides of the new recruits. Bluto is uninterested, probably thinking "who cares, are we out of beer?", when his face changes dramatically, fixed in horror. The camera then cuts away from his face, and we see the goofy high school yearbook picture of Flounder on the screen, being pelted with food and beer by the booing Deltas. It would have been a good scene even without Belushi, but his facial expression transformed it into comedy magic.

Someone told a marvelous bittersweet anecdote about a visit he made to John's grave on Martha's Vineyard. There was a hand-written sign taped to the stone. "He could have given us decades more of laughs, but no-o-o-o-o-o- ..."

To tell you the truth, I was disappointed with the new Double Secret Probationary Edition of Animal House, for the following reasons:

1. It's dark. You'd think they would have cleaned and brightened it when they remastered the whole thing.

2. There was originally another 66 minutes of footage which was cut from the film after the initial screenings. It wasn't cut because the footage sucked. It was an economic decision. They knew from the preview audiences that the film would be a monster hit. Cutting it to 1:49 allowed them to run it three times per evening. At the original 175 minute running time, only two evening showings would have been possible per day per screen. Chris Miller, one of the three co-authors of the script, also wrote an illustrated paperback book which expanded upon the story within the time frame of the movie, and told some anecdotes and legends about the history of Delta House. This book gave us some idea of what was in the extended footage. Some of the material in his paperback merely expanded the roles of the minor characters like Mothball, Hardbar, and Stork, but some of it was fascinating material which provided more laughs and more insights.

• Did you know why Pinto was called Pinto? The final cut of the movie doesn't say (Bluto simply says, "Why not?"), but there was an explanation. In his childhood he had an accident which caused his dick to become spotted, like the hide of a Pinto pony.

• Interestingly, the final cut of the film lost what I thought was the most poster-friendly line in the movie. Bluto, speaking of getting revenge on Dean Wormer, says, "if you're gonna fuck with the eagles, you better learn how to fly."

• Didn't you wonder what happened to Flounder's cute little home-town girlfriend, or what Otter said in the rest of his pro-Flounder speech, which was obviously truncated? Did you wonder why some guy named Bruce Bonnheim, playing B.B., is listed in the cast above Boon, Hoover, and D-Day? I don't even know who the hell he is, but obviously he must have been more important in an earlier cut.

Maybe I'll write an expanded article on this subject someday. For today, however, the big question is this - "what happened to the other 66 minutes?" OK, maybe it sucks, maybe it's in bad condition, but if it exists in any form,  we fans wanna see it. The special edition DVD would have been an ideal place to showcase the deleted footage. That's the very reason why DVD was invented.

It would have been great.

But no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o ........

(cough) blowjob (cough)

• Lisa Baur

• Mary Louise Weller

• Sarah Holcomb

• Karen Allen

• Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Info page and critical summaries here

OTHER CRAP:

• Darlene and Carol Bernaola, co-Playmates from January 2000, free nude Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!

• Jordan slide show

• whatever happened to ... Donna D'Errico?

• Nicole Kidman continues to fall farther and farther from the babe list

• Many Run Alternate 'Doonesbury': "It was expected that many newspapers wouldn't run this past Sunday's 'Doonesbury' mentioning masturbation. But the number turned out to be unusually high. An American Color spokesperson said 84% of its newspaper clients opted to publish a substitute Sept. 7 strip by Garry Trudeau. "

• Dave Barry column unleashes flood of calls on telemarketing group

• "Sammy Davis, Jr. was known as a member of the 'Rat Pack' but he had sex like a crazed weasel."

• The title of this column by conservative icon William F Buckley - BUSH IS EVIL

• Lucrative drink deal makes New York the big Snapple. In a releated story and mandatory obscure film reference, Rice-a-roni is now the Miami Treat.

• Matsui, despite his famous size 8 head, loses a hat-off: rookie pitcher Matt Roney has now become major news in Japan.

• Former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair has agreed to write a memoir about his life and the fabrication scandal that forced him to resign.

• 12th Annual Ten Best & Worst Signers - Autograph Collector, October 2003

• the MTV show that follows pop stars Jessica Simpson (news) and Nick Lachey of 98 Degrees around for their first year of marriage - is turning into the kind of TV hit that could give album sales a real boost. "What has everyone talking is Jessica Simpson herself. She's been described by reviewers as a brat, embarrassingly babyish and - when people want to be kind - charmingly clueless. 'She is dumb as a stick,' said one fan."

• The Smoking Gun: Archive: "Prosecutors prepping for a preliminary hearing in the Kobe Bryant rape case plan to present a videotaped interview with the alleged victim, photographs of the 19-year-old woman's injuries, and a taped statement from Bryant, much of which 'will corroborate the victim's hearsay statement and provide direct evidence to many of the elements of the offense charged"

• Does Paul LoDuca look more like Jack Black or Eddie Munster? You be the judge at "Dodger look-alikes"

• Favorite songs chosen by the Democratic presidential candidates at Tuesday's debate. Bob Graham is a parrothead?

• Here's a must-bookmark free site if you are a fantasy footballer or just a big NFL fan

• Arizona Cardinals Cheerleaders

• Philadelphia Eagles Cheerleaders

• The 10 drunkest sports figures of all time

• STUDIOS FILE SUIT against celeb nudity videos: "Several movie studios have declared war on the purveyors of videos featuring vintage nude scenes. "

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

Link goes to (where else) TalkLikeAPirate.com - now with new English-to-Pirate instant translator

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Jennifer Ehle...one word, "wow".

• Tara Fitzgerald, the "Sirens" star young and nude.

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Saskia Wickham
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12) )

IDIOT SHIPS HIMSELF FROM NYC TO DALLAS IN CRATE
Jerk In The Box - Charles McKinley, 25, sealed himself in a crate and had himself shipped home from New York to the Dallas suburb of DeSoto. After 17 hours inside, he used a crowbar to pry open the box, popped out on his parents' doorstep, shook the hand of the shocked delivery man, and walked away. The delivery man called police, who arrested him on some outstanding warrants. He also sparked an FBI investigation to find out how airports can have such tight security on passengers but miss people sealed in crates.