Tom Sizemore sex tape, part 8:

Part Eight is the last of 'em. It consists of Sizemore and two hookers. My verdict: most boring celebrity sex tape ever. On the other hand, it is the best-ever celebrity sex tape from a technical standpoint. Both the sound and the video are clear throughout. (Zipped .wmv)

The Longest Yard (2005)

The most interesting questions raised by The Longest Yard center around the nature of a remake.

A film remake is generally not the same as the revival of a play. If we mosey on down to Lincoln Center to see a revival of South Pacific, we are going to see something very, very close to what audiences saw in the 1950's, except with the benefit of modern stagecraft technology. A stage revival is basically the same thing as a road company production of the original play, in that it consists of different actors saying the same lines. The only real difference between a revival and a road company is that there is a longer period of time separating the revival from the original.

On the other hand, if we go to see a remake of a movie, we are not likely to see a word-for-word clone, unless those words come from  something sacred and untouchable like Hamlet. Remakes are generally different interpretations of the same source material, updated with modern filming technology, ala The Thomas Crown Affair. The Longest Yard is an exception. It is practically a revival of the original. The only significant change lies in the fact that the original 1970s movie took place in the 70s, and the 2005 version takes place in 2005. That required some changes. There's some new music, ESPN is there, Caretaker becomes a black guy. All of that was mostly just necessary tinkering. Essentially, this is the same movie. The first one was a decent movie, and so is this. So, for that matter is 2001's Mean Machine, which took the same script, placed it in the U.K., and re-jigged it for European football instead of American football. The IMDb scores for all three movies are solid, if unspectacular.

1. (7.08) - The Longest Yard (1974)
2. (6.30) - The Longest Yard (2005)
3. (6.10) - Mean Machine (2001)

I guess my point is that if you've seen one, you've seen 'em all, so don't go see this one unless you are aware of that fact, and are still eager to see the story modernized.

There is no nudity, but these caps exists to certify that Courteney Cox now has breasts, which is convenient, because I can now distinguish her from Lara Flynn Boyle

Dallas Doll (1994)

I have not seen Dallas Doll. It is a difficult one to find. I was therefore overjoyed to see the high quality film clips supplied today by ICMS, and I made a few caps of the eternally sneering "performance artist", actress, and alleged comedienne, Sandra Bernhard.

Today we take the old Time Machine back to 1983 for one of Richard Gere's early movies, "Breathless". This one, with a great sound track, has Richard as a Jerry Lee Lewis-loving hustler on the run from the law after accidentally killing a cop.

This remake of Godard's 60's original has Richard hooking up with a French exchange student played by Valerie Kaprisky, so we have Valerie spending a good deal of the movie naked and looking oh-so-cute. You will even have the added "attraction" of Richard's tool of love.

Anne Bie Warburg was part of a sort of repertory company that appeared in several of them, or maybe all of them for all I know.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

HURRICANE NEWS ROUND-UP
Blow Them Away - TheSmokingGun.com reports that six days after Hurricane Katrina hit, two Louisiana lawyers applied for a trademark for a beverage named Katrina.  The prototype label includes a satellite photo of the storm and the motto, "Get Blown Away."  They don't say what kind of drink Katrina would be, but it's probably a variation on the hurricane.

*  It's mud mixed with oil, feces and mosquito larvae...And, of course, rum.
*  It's like the traditional New Orleans hurricane, only much stronger... and yet, completely tasteless.


THE CLINTON LEGACY: CONDOMS
They Come With The Presidential Seal Of Approval - The Guangzhou Haojian Bio-science Co., a Chinese condom company, has trademarked the Chinese spellings of "Clinton" and "Lewinsky" and is marketing condoms under those names.  Clinton condoms are expected to become the company's top brand, selling for 30 yuan ($3.70 US) a dozen, while the Lewinskys cost only 18 yuan, about half as much.

 *  But they're not very good condoms...The Clinton condom is too slippery, and the Lewinsky just sucks.

FRENCHMAN SUES OVER BAD HOROSCOPE
A Serious Nutjob - A man in Montbeliard, France, sued a newspaper for giving him a bad astrological forecast.  He's an Aries, and their horoscope said Arians would "rediscover the emotions of adolescence, especially in the field of love, where the desire to have fun will overtake the need to build something longer lasting."  He said he's a "serious father," and this might make employers think he's an unreliable skirt-chaser.  The judge ordered him to pay $425 (US) in fees for wasting the court's time.

*  He couldn't help it: he's ruled by adolescent emotions.
*  He should've expected this: the judge is a Taurus.
*  Now, thank heaven, employers just think he's an idiot who believes in astrology.



MOSS FIRED OVER DRUG/SEX SCANDAL 
But She'll Be Hired By Hoover - Two months ago, supermodel Kate Moss won a big settlement from Britain's Daily Mirror over claims she'd collapsed in a cocaine coma.  Last week, the paper responded with a cover story showing frames from a video of Moss snorting five lines of coke at a party.

Sweden's H&M clothing chain, which requires its models to be "healthy, wholesome and sound," at first said they'd keep Moss because she confessed and said it would never happen again.  But they changed their minds and fired her after another tabloid alleged that she also engages in drug-fueled threesomes with celebrity pals such as Jude Law.

*  No!  Jude Law having threesomes with models?!  It CAN'T be true!
*  Moss denies having drug-fueled threesomes because it means less coke for her.
*  Only three people in the drug-fueled orgy?  For a model, that IS "healthy, wholesome and sound."
*  They assumed she kept her thin figure the wholesome, natural way, through bulimia.



NEW SPRAY HELPS COLDS GO AWAY
And Don't Sniff Glue For Two Days - Next month, Procter & Gamble will begin selling Vick's First Defense, a nasal spray that they claim is the first treatment clinically-proven to stop a cold before it develops, or at least shorten its duration.  They say a cold has about a two-day incubation period during which you feel symptoms coming on, such as sneezing and scratchy throat.  Oddly enough, it contains no drugs: it has a viscous gel that coats the virus so it can't stick to your body's cells.

*  So if you can't afford it, try spraying some WD-40 up there.
*  If you have a cold coming on, don't you already HAVE a nose full of viscous gel?
*  Just Kate Moss's luck, it's the only chemical substance she's never put up her nose.



"BIG & TALL" MEN'S STORES CHANGING NAME
"Incredible Hulk's" Would Be Cooler - The St. Petersburg, Florida, Times reports that the Casual Male Big & Tall clothing chain is changing its name after belatedly discovering that men don't like being called "big and tall."  Surveys revealed that even though the stores' customers have 46-to-50-inch waists, they are embarrassed to be seen carrying the stores' bags.  A spokesman they "finally discovered what women's plus-sized apparel retailers learned long ago," so they're changing the stores' name to "Casual Male XL," which they think sounds more athletic.

*  Although "Casual Male XXXL" would be more accurate.
*  They don't tell them that the "L" stands for "Lardass."
*  But we KNOW they're big and tall...They're standing right there with the bag!
*  They're walking around with a 50-inch waist, and they're embarrassed by the BAG?...Do they think it might make people suspect that they're fat?

Scoop's note:

I feel their pain. I am neither very big nor very tall - about 6'2", 215 -  but I am cursed with size 15EEE feet, which means that I always used to have to buy my dress shoes from "Big and Tall" shops, and I have never been crazy about being a "big and tall" kind of guy. I mean, what do you say when you're spotted with those bags? "Oh, I only have to buy my condoms there."  Shee-it, carrying those bags is like wearing a sign that says "kick me, I'm a fat ass." To tell you the truth, however, that embarrassment paled next to what happened when I had to play Becket one year in Summer Stock. The only way they could make it look like I was wearing the proper period clothing was if I wore some yellow panty hose on stage, beneath various other things. And the only place with those in my size was Lane Bryant - basically a big and tall women's shop. Imagine my chagrin when the sales person tells me not to be embarrassed, because almost all their jumbo-ass panty hose are purchased by men!!

Must have been a lot of ... um ... summer stock in that town.

BEIJING LAUNCHES TOILET REVOLUTION FOR 2008
Start Swatting Now - To impress visitors to the 2008 Olympics, authorities in Beijing, China, issued their "first public toilet management standards" as part of "the largest toilet revolution in Beijing's history."  Their toilets were infamous for being filthy, with no running water or toilet paper, but now they're being cleaned up and replaced to an extreme degree.  They'll be rated on a four-star system, and toilet workers have been ordered to insure that no more than two pieces of trash are in any public toilet at any one time, and tougher yet, no more than two flies.

*  And no LESS than two flies!
*  The penalty for the flies is DEATH!...Also for the toilet workers.
*  Anytime Beijing announces a glorious new revolution, somebody's gonna end up dead, even if it's only flies.



JUDGING NUDE LIBRARIANS BY THEIR COVERS
"Balzac!" - The latest unlikely nude calendar is the "Desperate Librarians 2006" calendar from Waupaca, Wisconsin.  It started as a normal gift calendar for a retiring librarian, but then someone suggested they make it a nude calendar to raise funds for the libraries.  Six librarians refused, but five middle-aged librarians and a 32-year-old assistant were game.  They posed in the libraries, apparently nude but with their naughty bits strategically covered by oversized books.

*  In some cases, giant road atlases.
*  They didn't want anyone to see their Dewey Decimal Systems.
*  There is one male librarian, covered by a pop-up book...He's not that impressive, though: it's a Big Little Book.



THIEVES PLACE WANT AD FOR ACCOMPLICES
"Stick-up Note Typing Skills A Plus" - Mainici News reports that three men were arrested in Yotsuya, Japan, for robbing a ticket office after the ringleader tried to line up future robberies by advertising for accomplices on an online job site.  The ad read, "We offer you 400,000 yen per job, but it's risky."

*  So is hiring "experienced" people from an online job site.
*  And your boss is a crook, but that's true almost anywhere.
*  This must be the way James Bond villains hire all those workers in orange jumpsuits who work in their secret volcano lairs.


PLASTIC SURGERY PATIENTS GETTING YOUNGER
"What I Did On My Summer Vacation" - Manhattan plastic surgeon Dr. Howard Sobel says that cosmetic surgery patients are getting younger and younger. They are getting nose jobs at 13, liposuction at 16 and breast implants in high school.  While he turns down most teen patients, he said he has injected Botox into girls as young as 17 who are worried about developing crow's feet.  One woman in her early 20s who's already had implants and Botox explained to the A.P. that she wants to stay young forever.

*  Too late: she's already in her TWENTIES!!
*  Why not?  It worked SO well for Michael Jackson.
*  17-year-olds have to get Botox now before they develop wrinkles from worrying about getting old.


MADONNA AND HUBBY BOOED AT MOVIE PREMIERE
Angry Mob - Madonna, whose last movie was her director-husband Guy Ritchie's megabomb "Swept Away," is defending his latest, "Revolver."  The mob movie is getting deadly reviews, with critics calling it "pretentious," "twaddle," and a "convoluted, visibly overwrought muddle" that "lands on cinema-goers' collective heads like a sack of wet sand" and "makes 'Swept Away' look like 'Citizen Kane.'"  But at the premiere, Madonna said, "I love it.  I think it's a very brave film."  The crowd then booed her and Ritchie for not stopping to sign autographs.

*  Oh yeah...I'm SURE that's why they were booing...That's probably also why they demanded ticket refunds.
*  After making "Swept Away," it's very brave just to show your faces in public.
*  Of course, Madonna likes it...It actually makes "Swept Away" look good.

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