Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island (1998) stars Sarah Bellomo (Porn Actress Roxanne Blaze), Tina Hollimon and Stephanie Hudson as three space bimbos who crash on a strange island that seems to be full of cave girls, and three cave men. What they don't notice at first is that it is also full of surveillance cameras. They are, in fact, the girls from beach Babes Beyond Infinity, and is supposedly a sequel that begins exactly where the first left off. Only problem is that they used three different actresses. Naturally, the three woman hook up with the three men, and all are maltreated by the alien mad scientist and his hunchback assistant, some stop motion animation dinosaurs, and an editor that couldn't keep track of whether the dancing bimbos had their tops on or off from cut to cut.

This is supposed to be a comedy, and is really as bad as I have made it sound. Most of the running time is taken up with break dancing. All three women show breasts and buns, but mostly in bad light. The editing is the worst I have seen, and the plot makes no sense at all. IMDb readers have this at 3.8 of 10. Bad movie review sites seem to think it is a poster child for badness. While the brief scenes that don't have dancing bimbos are admittedly awful, most of the running time is filled with boring dancing bimbos. This is a D. Even bad movie fans would be well advised to look elsewhere.

Alexander (2004)

This is a pretty hot nude scene, but just looking at this short clip will show you how unbearable the entire movie must be. I was nodding off during a three minute scene filled with Rosario Dawson nudity! First time I ever had to take a nap to get through a sex scene. Well, OK, maybe also during The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With the Sea (see ICMS section)

And what was the deal with that Alexander love music? I expected Babs to break in at any moment with "The Way We Were". Worst romantic music since the "Kirk falling in love tune" from the original Star Trek.

This clip and these caps are still far short of DVD quality, but pretty decent, maybe about equal to VHS or a hair below. Certainly way better than that clip we had last week!

• Rosario Dawson collages. Big, dumb movie, but Rosario is HOT! (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Rosario Dawson clip - (big download, 13 meg)

Other Crap:

• Here's the trailer for Hostage, the latest Bruce Willis action flick. "Robert Crais adapted his book for the film in which Willis stars as Jeff Talley, an LAPD hostage negotiator, who must call upon his negotiating skills to save his kidnapped wife and daughter (played in the film by Willis' real-life daughter Rumer) from the mob."
• BUSH TO GOOGLE FUTURE NOMINEES. Kerik + Nanny Yields 20,000 Web Pages.
  • "After the embarrassing flap over the nomination of Bernard Kerik as the new Homeland Security Secretary, President George W. Bush announced today that the White House would take the extraordinary step of Googling all future Cabinet nominees. .... 'I guess I have a lot to learn about the Internets,' Mr. Bush said."
• The MPAA will serve lawsuits on BitTorrent servers.
• Interesting Slashdot article - Famous Usenet Psychic Wars With Wikipedia Community
• Microsoft released its Beta test of the MSN Toolbar Suite. (Seems like too much of a "me too" thing to me, but ...)
• 12 Days of Christmas For the Politically Correct
• Club Tera Patrick - is her official website/paysite. Some nice sample pics.
• Naked three foot tall chick proves Warhol's Theorem that in the future everyone will have a website for 15 minutes.
• Iran has an official rap musician. I wonder if it is a cabinet post.
• Nigeria Chosen To Host 2008 Genocide Games
• WTF is up with this pic of President Bush?
• Ebay shuts down the auction of a cheese sandwich that looks like a vagina. A "lump of wood that looks like a man" and a "rock that appears to show an alien's face" remain on the site. E-bay says that's a different kettle o' crawdads! "They are genuine collectors items, just like the ghost, the Virgin Mary Toast, and the ET Nutrigrain," a spokesman said.
• Massive iceberg disrupts southern seas. The iceberg occupies 1200 square miles, and U.S. researchers have estimated that it contains enough fresh water to supply Egypt's Nile River complex for 80 years.
• Lawsuit alleges: "Star Jones stiffed a New York City company that helped 'beautify' her penthouse garden in advance of an Architectural Digest photo shoot last year"
• Us Magazine reports that Anna Kournikova has married Enrique Iglesias
• Ain't It Cool News gets a behind the scenes look at The Chronicles of Narnia
• "Colin Farrell spent last weekend sniffing around teen queen Lindsay Lohan."
• Whatever happened to .... Keri Russell?
• Liv Tyler is now the ultimate MILF
• Jon Stewart interviews Kevin Spacey
• The Daily Show's Steven Colbert looks at Chanukah.
• A new featurette and a new clip from The Aviator
• The Weekend Warrior's box office predictions for the upcoming week. His call: a big opening for Lemony Snicket, with Ocean's Twelve holding on to second. (Only a trial release for The Aviator this week, with a plan to add 1500 screens next week.)
• This week's movies: Flight of the Phoenix - no reviews.
  • Something is rotten in Denmark, or at least in the desert. This movie is supposed to open in 2700 theaters this week, but other sites (like RT) say it will be a limited opening on the 17th followed by wide exposure on the 24th (Dark Horizons says the 22nd).
  • Nobody has seen it in advance. There is exactly one review on line (Slant), and that is scathing.
  • It will open on my local multiplex on one screen, although several hold-overs, like Christmas with the Kranks and The Polar Express, will be on two or more. Films that are on 2700 screens would normally fill three screens or more in this theater.
  • If it does show up in 2700 theaters this Friday, as Coming Soon and Box Office Mojo indicate, and as the official site seems to promise, it will be the quietest appearance of any big studio film in memory. I think it is safe to assume that Fox is keeping it so quiet for a reason.
• The Sea Inside -79%. Weighty subject matter (Man fights to die with dignity) directed by Spain's up-and-coming genius director, Amenabar, starring Spain's powerful Javier Bardem.
• This week's movies: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events 75% positive reviews. The movie that looked like shit in trailers turned out to be a big winner, earning lavish praise from some reviewers:
  • "The picture is a beautifully foreboding storybook sprung to life, mixing guffaw-inducing comedy, frightful fantasy, and resonating drama without missing a beat."
  • "Inventive ideas catapult off the screen and characters larger than life reach out to embrace the audience in a story telling hug that lasts throughout the film’s running time."
  • "Jim Carrey at the top of his comedic form.
• This week's movies: Beyond the Sea - 53% positive reviews. VERY mixed responses to the Bobby Darin biopic, good, bad, and mediocre. General consensus: we learn Spacey can sing, and we already knew he can act, but the movie is a typically flat biopic.
  • "A biopic that is all shiny surface and no substance, washing over hard details in favor of a lot of stage performances that come off surprisingly flat."
  • "A total vanity project, although in this case the vanity is mostly justified."
  • "It has a great performance by Spacey and some of the best musical numbers in recent years."
• This week's movies: Spanglish - 40% positive reviews. "Adam Sandler as the uber-nice-guy in a drama worked out about as well as Kiss taking off their make-up."
• This week's movies: The Aviator - 83% positive reviews. This is the one with DiCaprio as Howard Hughes. General consensus: Scorsese finally uses his brilliance for good storytelling and entertainment.
• 'Desperate Housewives' becomes the first show ever to outrate a 'Survivor' finale.
• We come to bury the Expos, not to praise them.
• IFILM has an uncut version of the Chloe Sevigny BJ from The Brown Bunny, but Gallo's wanger has been digitally blurred.
• Ah-nuld to cameo in Tom Arnold's The Kid and I.
• Six clips from Spanglish, the new Adam Sandler dramedy.
• Hunting for movie goofs
• Robin Williams in Baghdad - the Bob Hope of the new millennium.
• Scarlett Johannson is reportedly dating Derek Jeter.
• Plow your heart out with Boston.com's Snowplow Game
• For once, Duke's most famous incoming freshman athlete might not play basketball. Andrew Giuliani, son of the former New York City Mayor, has signed to play for the Duke men's golf team.
• Playboy playmate Victoria Silvstedt was left red-faced when her model pals forced her to travel with a suitcase full of sex aids - and she was stopped at customs.
• The wacky antics of America's biggest undivided lottery winner.
• The Daily Show looks at the Kerik fiasco
• Blockbuster getting rid of late fees as of Jan. 1
• Letterman's Top Ten Ways Saddam Hussein Celebrated The Anniversary Of His Capture
• Homeless man lived for years under a bridge on Chicago's pricey Lake Shore Drive. He tapped the available electricity for TV, a space heater, video games, and a microwave. His biggest obstacle? It was a drawbridge and he was on the moving part!
• Crichton's new book will tick everyone off on both sides of the political spectrum.: "Crichton challenges commonly held beliefs about global warming and the environment. Are the self-proclaimed guardians of the planet, he wonders, acting on data-backed principles or reacting to inaccurate information fed to the masses by irresponsible journalists, well-meaning but ignorant tree-huggers and self-serving celebrities, scientists and lawyers? "
• Google Is Adding Major Libraries to Its Database: "Google, the operator of the world's most popular Internet search service, plans to announce an agreement today with some of the nation's leading research libraries and Oxford University to begin converting their holdings into digital files that would be freely searchable over the Web. "
• Toccarra from America's Next Top Model Nude. Many of you might be familiar with the reality tv show, America's Next Top Model. Contestant Toccarra, who was eliminated in the eighth episode, not only was a stripper, but was also a nude model.
• The unfinished trailer for Jamie Foxx's upcoming action flick, Stealth! Jamie's new goal: more roles than Eric Roberts. The film also stars Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel. Set in the naval Air Force in the near future, it tells the story of an artificial intelligence pilot who is brought aboard to learn combat skills from human pilots. When the A.I. pilot begins to have ideas of his own, complications ensue. The elite pilots are drafted to stop an artificial intelligence one that has been programmed to kill and has run amuck.
• Weekly World News claims: "A maverick Bible scholar has written a new book offering terrific excuses for every conceivable sin."
• Hillary Swank will star in The Black Dahlia, the Brian De Palma-directed adaptation of the James Ellroy novel
• Quote whore of the day department. "Displaying the same beauty and dignity that made her mother a screen goddess, Isabella Rossellini ...'"   I can only assume that one of two things are true. Either (1) that was a paid comment, or (2) the author is blind. Ingrid Bergman was the most beautiful woman of a generation, arguably of the 20th century. Isabella Rossellini, if she really worked at it all day with the aid of make-over experts, might - and I stress "might" - make it up to average-lookin'. You would sell you soul to be with Ingrid. You would hope to hell Isabella hasn't sold her soul to be with you!
• KERIK: "Oh, yeah, and bin Laden was my gardener."
• 'America's mayor' gets a black mark over Kerik scandals
• 'Basic Instinct' star Sharon Stone sued a plastic surgeon who she accused of jeopardising her career by falsely telling reporters he had performed a facelift on her
• Playmate Gallery - Brooke Richards, December 1999 - Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• Four free short vids from Playboy's Amateur Home Videos!
• One more of Paris and Pam together. Pam wears the world's shortest skirt. Maybe they'll do a home lesbo video!
• The two greatest stars of the home video market, together at last. Paris & Pam shopping and holding hands in LA

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea (1976) - part 2

Today from the Ghost, part 1 of his coverage of "Hollywood Dreams Take 2" (1995). A typical mega-lo budget, late night cable flick with little plot, bad acting and lots of nudity!

• Carol Hoyt, topless and fully nude from the side in several love scenes. After this movie, Hoyt went on to co-star as the villian on the series "Power Rangers Turbo". (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
• Carol Hoyt zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

• Actress/stuntwoman Diana Cuevas in a scene with some dude groping and kissing her breasts. (1, 2, 3, 4)
• zipped .wmv

• Janice Andreas showing off a very nice body in her one and only film role, Toplessness in all of these, plus you may see a hint of pube while she's on top in 'cap #1 and clips #1 and #2. (1, 2, 3)
• Janice Andreas zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3)

Scoops,
Today we pick up where we left off last time with more scenes from the Brian De Palma movie, "Femme Fatale".

A double header with more Rebecca Romijin-Stamos and Rie Rasmussen, who gives us a fashion statement of sorts with a top made up of nothing but jewelry. Thankfully, she loses the top in a lesbian scene with Rebecca.

• Rie Rasmussen (1, 2, 3)
• Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Rie Rasmussen making out. (1, 2, 3, 4)

Next up, a little "Hankster Lite"

Here is Kimberly Rowe topless in a love scene from the thriller "Second to Die", starring Erika Eleniak.

Most people probably recognize her from her Skinemax work. Including appearances in: "The Sexperiment", "Sex, Lies & Politics", "Wild Malibu Weekend!" and several installments of both the "Justine" and "Emmanuelle" franchises.

• Kimberly Rowe (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

"Species III"
Poor Sunny Mabrey. It's inevitable she'll be compared to Natasha Henstridge, and guess what, Sunny? You lose (but your name is cuter). You're very attractive, but you're no Natasha. It's also envitable that this sequel be comparded to the original Species, and it loses too.....badly.

In this 2004 direct-to-video third sequel premiered on the Sci-Fi channel, Sara, the daughter of Eve, who was cloned from Sil (the original alien), is the only pureblood left (well, pure in that she's from the original), kinda. There are also a bunch of half-breeds running around (remember the baby in the first film?). Those children of Sil and an astronaut are a mess. They all have fatal DNA flaws and are all dying, and they're a little pissed about it, so they're happy to kill anyone in sight.

Sara's only compulsion is to mate so that her strain won't be extinct, and she's in the hands of a well-meaning but idiotic professor who intends to harvest her eggs to produce a " perfect" strain of alien/human DNA what won't have the problems of it's predecessors. Naturally, things go horribly wrong throughout the film.

Confusing to anyone who isn't an ardent fan of the original two, this is by far the worst of the bunch. It simply isn't well done. More gore than the original, and a little more nudity, but a lot less quality. At best, this is simply a gateway to Species IV. Hopefully, that one will be better.

• Sunny Mabrey
• Amerlia Cooke

BRITNEY BUYS $180 STEAK FOR HER DOG
Britney Had A Chili Dog - Contact Music reports that while in Las Vegas for the Billboard Awards, Britney Spears ordered a $180 steak from the Picasso restaurant at the Bellagio Hotel for her Chihuahua, Bitbit. One insider called it "ridiculous," saying that famous chef Julian Serrano normally prepares food for the rich and famous, that this was "a total insult to his talent," and it's just as well nobody told him his dish was fed to a Chihuahua.