"Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island"

Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island (1998) stars Sarah Bellomo (Porn Actress Roxanne Blaze), Tina Hollimon and Stephanie Hudson as three space bimbos who crash on a strange island that seems to be full of cave girls, and three cave men. What they don't notice at first is that it is also full of surveillance cameras. They are, in fact, the girls from beach Babes Beyond Infinity, and is supposedly a sequel that begins exactly where the first left off. Only problem is that they used three different actresses. Naturally, the three woman hook up with the three men, and all are maltreated by the alien mad scientist and his hunchback assistant, some stop motion animation dinosaurs, and an editor that couldn't keep track of whether the dancing bimbos had their tops on or off from cut to cut.

This is supposed to be a comedy, and is really as bad as I have made it sound. Most of the running time is taken up with break dancing. All three women show breasts and buns, but mostly in bad light. The editing is the worst I have seen, and the plot makes no sense at all. IMDb readers have this at 3.8 of 10. Bad movie review sites seem to think it is a poster child for badness. While the brief scenes that don't have dancing bimbos are admittedly awful, most of the running time is filled with boring dancing bimbos. This is a D. Even bad movie fans would be well advised to look elsewhere.

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  • Sarah Bellomo (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
  • Stephanie Hudson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Tina Hollimon (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Alexander (2004)

    This is a pretty hot nude scene, but just looking at this short clip will show you how unbearable the entire movie must be. I was nodding off during a three minute scene filled with Rosario Dawson nudity! First time I ever had to take a nap to get through a sex scene. Well, OK, maybe also during The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With the Sea (see ICMS section)

    And what was the deal with that Alexander love music? I expected Babs to break in at any moment with "The Way We Were". Worst romantic music since the "Kirk falling in love tune" from the original Star Trek.

    This clip and these caps are still far short of DVD quality, but pretty decent, maybe about equal to VHS or a hair below. Certainly way better than that clip we had last week!


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    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS


    The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea (1976) - part 2

    Four today, four others in yesterday's edition

    Crimson Ghost
    NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    Today from the Ghost, part 1 of his coverage of "Hollywood Dreams Take 2" (1995). A typical mega-lo budget, late night cable flick with little plot, bad acting and lots of nudity!

    • Carol Hoyt, topless and fully nude from the side in several love scenes. After this movie, Hoyt went on to co-star as the villian on the series "Power Rangers Turbo". (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
    • Carol Hoyt zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    • Actress/stuntwoman Diana Cuevas in a scene with some dude groping and kissing her breasts. (1, 2, 3, 4)
    • zipped .wmv

    • Janice Andreas showing off a very nice body in her one and only film role, Toplessness in all of these, plus you may see a hint of pube while she's on top in 'cap #1 and clips #1 and #2. (1, 2, 3)
    • Janice Andreas zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3)

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Today we pick up where we left off last time with more scenes from the Brian De Palma movie, "Femme Fatale".

    A double header with more Rebecca Romijin-Stamos and Rie Rasmussen, who gives us a fashion statement of sorts with a top made up of nothing but jewelry. Thankfully, she loses the top in a lesbian scene with Rebecca.

    • Rie Rasmussen (1, 2, 3)
    • Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Rie Rasmussen making out. (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Next up, a little "Hankster Lite"

    Here is Kimberly Rowe topless in a love scene from the thriller "Second to Die", starring Erika Eleniak.

    Most people probably recognize her from her Skinemax work. Including appearances in: "The Sexperiment", "Sex, Lies & Politics", "Wild Malibu Weekend!" and several installments of both the "Justine" and "Emmanuelle" franchises.

    • Kimberly Rowe (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Species III"
    Poor Sunny Mabrey. It's inevitable she'll be compared to Natasha Henstridge, and guess what, Sunny? You lose (but your name is cuter). You're very attractive, but you're no Natasha. It's also envitable that this sequel be comparded to the original Species, and it loses too.....badly.

    In this 2004 direct-to-video third sequel premiered on the Sci-Fi channel, Sara, the daughter of Eve, who was cloned from Sil (the original alien), is the only pureblood left (well, pure in that she's from the original), kinda. There are also a bunch of half-breeds running around (remember the baby in the first film?). Those children of Sil and an astronaut are a mess. They all have fatal DNA flaws and are all dying, and they're a little pissed about it, so they're happy to kill anyone in sight.

    Sara's only compulsion is to mate so that her strain won't be extinct, and she's in the hands of a well-meaning but idiotic professor who intends to harvest her eggs to produce a " perfect" strain of alien/human DNA what won't have the problems of it's predecessors. Naturally, things go horribly wrong throughout the film.

    Confusing to anyone who isn't an ardent fan of the original two, this is by far the worst of the bunch. It simply isn't well done. More gore than the original, and a little more nudity, but a lot less quality. At best, this is simply a gateway to Species IV. Hopefully, that one will be better.

    Jennifer Lopez J-Lo before she became "J-Lo". Before she became a highly overpaid actress/pop-diva with an entourage, she did this topless scene in the Wesley Snipes/Woody Harrelson buddy movie, "Money Train" (1995).

    Marie Laurin
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Toplessness and rear views in the 1985, low budget sci-fi flick "Creature", starring Klaus Kinski.

    Emmanuelle Seigner
    Lena Olin

    Scenes from the Roman Polanski movie "The Ninth Gate" (1999), starring Johnny Depp. Mrs. Polanski (Seigner) is topless and Olin bares her bum.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Britney Had A Chili Dog - Contact Music reports that while in Las Vegas for the Billboard Awards, Britney Spears ordered a $180 steak from the Picasso restaurant at the Bellagio Hotel for her Chihuahua, Bitbit. One insider called it "ridiculous," saying that famous chef Julian Serrano normally prepares food for the rich and famous, that this was "a total insult to his talent," and it's just as well nobody told him his dish was fed to a Chihuahua.

  • Or that it spit it out and wanted Alpo instead.
  • Even worse, Bitbit only ate a bit.
  • It was $180, but it was enough to feed Bitbit for a year.
  • What's the big deal? That's ALL Paris Hilton's Chihuahua eats.
  • Chef Julian is now thinking off adding "Bitbit Burgers" to the menu.

    Or In Some Cases, Less Than She Intended - Wonderbra's new "Clearly Daring" bra has a slight problem: it keeps popping open. The bra has a clear plastic strap between the cups so it can boost cleavage in plunging gowns without the bra showing. But the strap keeps snapping, causing the bra to explode open and display more than the woman intended. Wonderbra is recalling the bras and will release them again after they strengthen the strap.

  • Those bastards who ordered the recall MUST be stopped!!
  • Tara Reid rushed out and bought a lifetime supply.
  • They may have to replace their spokeswoman, Janet Jackson.
  • They could face lawsuits if Anna Nicole Smith wears one and suddenly knocks over a roomful of people.

    Girl Gone To Lawyer - Aimee Davalle, 23, of Virginia Beach, Virginia, is suing the "Girls Gone Wild" video producers for $2 million. She did topless calisthenics on camera for 10 minutes at a "GGW" party in a bar in 2003, but was shocked when her image appeared on a tape and on the video cover without her written authorization. She admits she gave oral consent, but says she'd been drinking so that shouldn't be legally binding.

  • When she's drunk, she consents to a lot of things orally that she probably shouldn't.
  • She's trying to destroy the foundation that the entire series is built upon!
  • Maybe she should blame it on her Wonderbra and sue them.
  • How drunk was she when she decided to file this lawsuit?

    Why Men Turn Gay - A survey of 5,000 women for Britain's "That's Life!" magazine found that they are liars. 19 out of 20 women admit lying to their partners or husbands. 83 percent tell "big, life-changing lies," and 13 percent do so frequently. And 45 percent admit they tell "little white lies," the #1 being "Of course you don't look fat."

  • But 100 percent of men tell that one.
  • 19 out of 20 admit lying to their husbands, and the 20th lies and denies it.

    On Next Week's "Desperate Housewives"... - Nearly half have faked orgasms, 55 percent made up excuses to get out of sex, and 30 percent have had an affair with a married man. 42 percent would lie about using contraception if their partner didn't want a baby; 65 percent of single women wouldn't tell a potential partner they had an STD; and half said if they became pregnant by another man, they'd tell their partner he was the father. And 68 percent say they don't trust their partner.

  • Well, of course not! Men are lying pigs!
  • The message to men: Get a vasectomy, and still wear a condom!...Then abstain entirely.
  • They're British, and only half admit to faking orgasms? Another lie!
  • They only fake orgasms when their excuses don't work.
  • You women are big, fat liars!...But don't worry, you don't LOOK fat!