Marilyn Monroe - The Mortal Goddess (1995 TV movie) is an official studio biography in documentary format of perhaps the biggest screen icon of all time. I didn't gain any amazing new insights from this biopic, although there were a few details I either had not known or had forgotten. The film did an excellent job of giving just enough detail from her early years to help explain her literally fatal flaws, and attempted to show the difference between "Norma Jean" the woman and "Marilyn Monroe" the woman. Narration is nearly constant, except during one of the many film clips and interviews. Visuals included clips and stills from her films, publicity and news shots, and the famous nude calendar images. Most, but not all, of the images were familiar to me, but the video quality was such that I was able to capture high quality at large size.

The DVD is awaiting 5 votes at IMDb. I found it a fair bit of journalism, hitting her strengths and weaknesses, and a very engaging 91 minutes. This is for Marilyn fans only, but as such, is very well done, hence a C+.

The Hillz (2004)

Watching some of the smaller releases every week can be a great pleasure, because every once in a while a great film gets made outside the standard channels, and it can be an incredible high to be the first to reveal it to the world. The great independent movies can have a freshness, a daring, an intelligence that sets them apart from the run of the mill output from the Dream Factory.

This is not one of those movies.

If you want to see one of those, you might try The Station Agent or ivansxtc.

This is the evil, dark side of the independent force, the side that says that any rich kid with a DV camera can make a movie, and that anyone might be able to make a few bucks by cashing in on some kind of hot trend. In this case, the filmmaker tried to get a whole Tarantino thing going, by juxtaposing extreme, graphic violence with gallows humor. Unfortunately, there are not many people capable of making good Tarantino movies. Even Tarantino is not always so successful under the best of conditions, but imagine if Tarantino fired Uma Thurman and hired Paris Hilton. Now imagine that Tarantino produced his entire film on DV for $100,000, counting everything. Than imagine Tarantino fired himself, and hired a complete neophyte to fill in as writer, director, actor, and several other functions. Now you have the idea.

Here's the deal:

A group of high school seniors chill out during the summer after graduation. They are basically spoiled rich kids whose parents live in mansions, but they have a craving for more thrills and more respect in life, so they basically become the drug lords for their ritzy suburb. It doing this, they adopt the attitude of urban street gangs, talk a lot of shit, and shoot anyone who even dares to look crosswise at them. The Hills becomes Da Hillz, and they become gangstas. They face rather different challenges from the typical urban gang. For example, one local cheerleader promises unlimited sexual utopia to the psychotic leader of the gangstas, in return for which he merely has to kill her rival for the head cheerleading spot.

One of the guys is a top athlete and longs to escape from his loser friends through pro sports, but somehow he always ends up being drawn back into their circle, because they have a lot of power. For example, Sports Boy really wants to date a pretty underweight rich babe (Paris Hilton?), but she is totally in love with a snobby frat-boy fiancé who acts like Marmalard in Animal House, playing the role of sophisticated future Senator when he's around Paris, but talking all kids of trash behind her back. Sports Boy needs to get Paris from her fiancé's evil clutches, so he must turn once again to his ex-friends, the losers turned gangstas, who manage to handle the problem smoothly and efficiently by murdering the frat boy right in his frat house, along with several unfortunate frat brothers who were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The next day, when Sports Boy sees Paris, she says "somebody killed Todd last night, who could have done such a thing?". He admits he did it because he has loved her since the sixth grade, and she unexpectedly says, "that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I love you, too, Steve." I guess her period of grieving was brief, but deep. (Note, this entire scene, featuring Paris's Shakespearian performance, can be seen in the video clip below.)

 When one of the suburban gangstas is murdered in the course of their criminal adventures, Paris shows up for the funeral in ... well, I must say at least Paris had the good taste to show up with her nipples falling out of a black dress. When you get right down to it, how much more respect do the dead really need? After all, they won't notice.

What about the parents of the victim, you ask? Won't they be shocked to see Paris using their son's wake to troll for studs? Funny thing about that. All these kids live in mansions and drive expensive cars, but we never see any of the parents who pay for those things. They are like the Peanuts gang. Except older, and better armed.

All of this is obviously wrought with the author's tongue deep in his cheek, but is the film played out with the same gravitas as would accompany a gritty street drama about black drug gangs in Harlem or something.

I just read back what I have written, and it doesn't sound that bad. In fact, it sounds sorta funny. It isn't. The exaggeration just really doesn't work as humor. The entire film just seems like a crazy crack-induced rage, and the tone is so consistently and brutally ugly that you won't really be aware of the underlying humor unless you think about what is happening. And you probably should not expect any lavish production values, either. The budget for the entire movie is said to have been $100,000.

As for the acting, well, how good do you think the overall acting would be if the female lead is Paris Hilton and the total payroll for the entire cast is maybe $30,000? Do you have a general mental picture? It's not that good. As you all know, Paris really wants to be a star of some kind, and keeps trying to do something other than her major proven talent, which is to look beautiful, yet skanky, in expensive clothing. She's already been booed for her musical efforts, but I have to say that her singing couldn't be much worse than her acting. Let's just say that Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet need not fear a decreased workload as a result of Paris's entry into the acting field.

Saran Barnun has no other credits at IMDb, but is credited as the director, writer, actor, producer, casting director, and music supervisor of this film, and I must admit that he does seem to be about equally qualified in all those professions.

You can safely walk past this one when you spot it on the video shelves.

Oh, and there is no nudity either.

• Paris Hilton (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Paris Hilton video clip. Note: there is no nudity at all in this clip. This is probably the most clothing Paris has ever worn in her life. For most of you, it will be a complete waste of your time. You would download this zipped .avi (DIVX 5.05) only to see the scene I described above in yellow.

Dangerous Touch (1994)

I looked at this one again because I previously reviewed the R-rated version, and it came to my attention that there is an unrated version which is 5 minutes longer.

Dangerous Touch can be summed up as follows.

Dean Wormer's girl plays a beautiful and really horny radio psychologist. Her best friend keeps warning her that indiscriminate sexual behavior will get her in trouble, but she ignores the warnings and continues to seek the sexy thrills. Enter superstud Richie Valens, who seems to want her for sexual adventures, but actually seduces her for a completely different reason - to blackmail her into giving up some privileged patient information that will enable him to get some revenge against the guy who played WoJo on Barney Miller. WoJo plays a powerful crime boss whose dirty dealings cost Richie Valens three years in the hoosegow.

She won't play along with the confidential files, so all the gangsters start fucking each other over and fucking her over, and Richie Valens even has to kill the Wishmaster at one point. Guess what - that Wishmaster voice is not Divoff's real voice. I never realized it was artifically enhanced for those flicks. I just thought he was a nice, albeit creepy-lookin' Russian-American boy who could talk like Darth Vader.

Richie Valens not only starred, but actually directed and wrote this film as well! A real Orson Welles, that boy. Well, it isn't half bad. It isn't Citizen Kane, but it doesn't try to be. He set out to make an erotic thriller with a lot of sex and a fairly good plot to move it forward.  Dangerous Touch is a satisfactory erotic thriller. On the thriller side, the film has enough twists and turns that I watched it at regular speed. On the erotic side,  it does not cheat on the sex and nudity. I have to conclude that Richie did a lot better than, for example, Soul Man did as the actor, writer, and director of "Hourglass".

I would be a C as an erotic thriller were there no mitigating circumstances. Unfortunately, I had to bump it down to and F because Richie never sang "La Bamba", WoJo never had coffee with Fish, Wishmaster never granted one twisted wish, and Wormer's daughter did not release the Deltas from double secret probation.

Beware the R-rated version. The unrated version has a lot more naughty bits, including a lengthy lesbian scene between Monique Parent and Kate Vernon. (Almost all of the extra exposure is Parent, not Vernon. I didn't see any unexpected images of Vernon, but the main picture in the first Parent collage is a new one to me. The R-rated version is 97 minutes long, while the unrated version runs approximately 102 minutes.)

• Dean Wormer's kid (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
• Monique Parent (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Here's info on the unrated version for a reasonable $12.95.

Other Crap:

• Kong is King.net - see Naomi Watts in Kong's giant paw.
• Cosby Hit With Sex Assault Civil Suit: "Two weeks after Pennsylvania prosecutors declined to file criminal sexual assault charges against him, Bill Cosby was sued today by the woman who leveled those accusations against the 67-year-old comedian."
• Strengthening Social Security - WHITEHOUSE.ORG calls out the vote
• Postal Tribute To Charles And Camilla
  • "Photos of Prince Charles and his bride-to-be Camilla Parker Bowles grace a set of royal wedding commemorative postage stamps unveiled by Britain's Royal Mail.
  • There will actually be two wedding stamps, one for about sixty cents, the other for about a buck thirty.
  • Why are there no stamps featuring the topless girls who flashed the Chuckster in New Zealand?
  • By the way, Bill Clinton has been heard planning his next trip to New Zealand and is planning to take plenty of beads!
• Here's one to bookmark for a while: Mount St. Helens Volcano Cam
• Apple Store clerks plus egocentric Hollywood celebs = fun gossip. "Apple has four retail stores in the Los Angeles area, which give the sales associates ample opportunity to rub elbows with Hollywood celebrities. It isn't always pleasant. "
• Gay man in North Carolina denied an NFL name jersey with "Gay" on it. He won his challenge - but here's the twist. Not only is he gay, but his name is Barry Gay.
• Penn Gillette rips on Peta's Ethical Slant
• Britney will appear topless, wearing just a necklace, on the upcoming cover of Allure magazine.
• Benicio Del Toro says he honestly cannot recall if he had sex with Scarlett Johansson in an elevator. Well, you know, he's has sex with thousands of chicks in elevators, and who can remember every one. He can sometimes remember if you tell him which Phil Collins song was playing.
• The Daily Show's Samantha Bee and Rob Corddry cover Martha Stewart's release live from the MARTHACENTER 2600.
• Teresa Heinz Kerry lists the three main reasons why her husband lost:
  1. Voting machines owned by hard right wingers were hacked in the "mother machine" by top secret brain waves sent from Cheney's undisclosed location.
  2. Catholic Church officials formed a massive conspiracy to declare that a Kerry vote was a mortal sin.
  3. Kerry's wife was just too darned insightful for the American public.
• Name that Candybar - Science Museum of Minnesota: "Can you identify a candybar by looking at the cross section?" George Costanza kicked ass on this line-up.
• Man dies after drinking contest. He "won"
• What's Special About This Number? "9988 is the number of prime knots with 13 crossings." "8 is the largest cube in the Fibonacci sequence." "One is the loneliest number." "Two be ... or not two be"
• Britney will appear topless, wearing just a necklace, on the upcoming cover of Allure magazine.
• Benicio Del Toro says he honestly cannot recall if he had sex with Scarlett Johansson in an elevator. Well, you know, he's has sex with thousands of chicks in elevators, and who can remember every one. He can sometimes remember if you tell him which Phil Collins song was playing.
• Debunking The 9/11 Myths and Urban Legends
• Joe Willie Namath has now been sober for more than a year.
• Couple celebrates 79th anniversary.
• There WAS a house in New Orleans they called the Rising Sun, and we found the sumbitch.
• Nostalgia: X-Entertainment's Festival of `80s Kiddie Commercials.
• Great new series of Titleist ads featuring John Cleese and the hallowed ground of St.Andrews.
• How to win any internet argument.
• Doonesbury's Duke finds out that Hunter Thompson is dead
• Daily Show: the new CIA director.
• "Robert Downey Jr. will star in the George Clooney-directed Goodnight, and Good Luck," the story of the confrontations between Edward R Murrow and Sen McCarthy. David Strathairn will play Murrow.
• You think the blind cop show is a silly idea? - here are five worse. No mention of Supertrain.
• IFILM - Uncensored: The Dildo Song - one of the best parody songs ever!
• A featurette and three clips from Millions. Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 28 Days Later) turns his career about ninety degrees to produce a heartwarming PG film.
• A third clip from Hostage, the Bruce Willis cop drama.
• Weekly World News: "A GUYS' GUIDE: HOW TO SURVIVE LIVING WITH A CAT-LOVER"
• Astronomers discover Darth Cheney's undisclosed location.
• ALAN GREENSPAN TO HEAD UP U2. Becomes Lead Singer as Bono Leaves for World Bank
• The Twenty Meanest Cities in the USA. This ranking is based entirely on how they treat the homeless. One of them is St. Paul, Minnesota. Here's a tip for you homeless youngsters: if you have to live out in the elements, find some place warmer than St. Paul.
• A new bill introduced in the Minnesota House last week would prohibit 21-year-olds from drinking at midnight on their birthdays. Individuals would have to wait until 8 a.m. instead. 

It's good to know that Minnesota lawmakers have no more important issues to deal with. I guess that trouble-free environment is what makes the homeless willing to brave the cold.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Of the Best Actress Winners who showed nudity in their award winning roles, who gave the best nude performance? I think I've included every actress to show Oscar some skin. If I missed anyone, let me know.

There are a couple on the list that push the definition of nudity, (Hunt's scenes were see-thru and partial, MacLaine's nudity was very brief, and Christie's was rear only) but it's my poll, so ppphhhtttt :-p

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s

Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.

Who has the best bum in Hollywood?

Best All Time Television Comedy

Email Scoopy Jr. with nominees, comments or suggestions.

First up from the Ghost today...

'Caps and clips of B-movie and Skinemax babe Darcy DeMoss topless and gettin' it on in scenes from an episode of "Erotic Confessions". In clip #1 we also see some very brief pube and bum views.

• Darcy DeMoss (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Darcy DeMoss zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4)

Next up, the Ghost joins the Griswolds on their "European Vacation".

• Claudia Neidig shows off her breasts after making out with Rusty. (1, 2)
• Claudia Neidig zipped .wmv

• Clark and Ellen see some Unknown topless dancers (zipped .wmv) at a night club in Paris.

MARTHA STEWART RETURNS
Ankles Away! - Monday, a joyous Martha Stewart returned to work in Manhattan, conspicuously without her ankle monitor, and was greeted by cheering employees of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. She thanked them for their support and said she had the "tremendous privilege" of meeting a variety of people in prison and "learned a great deal about our country." She also said from now on, she'll share more credit with her employees, jokingly noting that she doesn't always do all her own ironing, but "I wish that I could. I love ironing."