"Marilyn Monroe - The Mortal Goddess"

Marilyn Monroe - The Mortal Goddess (1995 TV movie) is an official studio biography in documentary format of perhaps the biggest screen icon of all time. I didn't gain any amazing new insights from this biopic, although there were a few details I either had not known or had forgotten. The film did an excellent job of giving just enough detail from her early years to help explain her literally fatal flaws, and attempted to show the difference between "Norma Jean" the woman and "Marilyn Monroe" the woman. Narration is nearly constant, except during one of the many film clips and interviews. Visuals included clips and stills from her films, publicity and news shots, and the famous nude calendar images. Most, but not all, of the images were familiar to me, but the video quality was such that I was able to capture high quality at large size.

The DVD is awaiting 5 votes at IMDb. I found it a fair bit of journalism, hitting her strengths and weaknesses, and a very engaging 91 minutes. This is for Marilyn fans only, but as such, is very well done, hence a C+.

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  • Marilyn Monroe (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32)

    "Kingdom of the Spiders"

    Kingdom of the Spiders (1977) is a PG nature run amok tale starring William Shatner. If this alone doesn't have your juices flowing, you were born without bad movie genes. Not only that, but he was nominated for a Saturn as best actor. The monster this time is tarantulas who are starving because pesticides have killed off their normal food supply, and so have decided to feast on the town where Captain Kirk is a vet. They start on cows and dogs, but waste little time graduating to people. The female love interest if an entomologist who has been called in to investigate, played by Tiffany Bolling. Most of her work has been small TV roles.

    Think Birds, but with 8 legs and no wings. It follows the plot pretty closely. Initial isolated attacks, expert explaining that if insects turned on man, man wouldn't have a chance. Young kid in peril, People trapped through long night in the same building, and an eerie ending. Things to watch and listen for include a woman shooting her hand off, the spidercam (POV of the spider), really bad country music, and a gratuitous left breast from Bolling getting out of the shower. IMDb has this at 5.3 of 10. It was nominated for two Saturns, and earned $17M at the box office. Note that, even with a bare breast, it was rated PG. This is a solid nature run amok film with a few interesting characters that we learn enough about to care what happens to them, and the fact that it is derivative is the only thing bringing it down to a C.

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  • Tiffany Bolling (1, 2, 3, 4)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    The Hillz (2004)

    Watching some of the smaller releases every week can be a great pleasure, because every once in a while a great film gets made outside the standard channels, and it can be an incredible high to be the first to reveal it to the world. The great independent movies can have a freshness, a daring, an intelligence that sets them apart from the run of the mill output from the Dream Factory.

    This is not one of those movies.

    If you want to see one of those, you might try The Station Agent or ivansxtc.

    This is the evil, dark side of the independent force, the side that says that any rich kid with a DV camera can make a movie, and that anyone might be able to make a few bucks by cashing in on some kind of hot trend. In this case, the filmmaker tried to get a whole Tarantino thing going, by juxtaposing extreme, graphic violence with gallows humor. Unfortunately, there are not many people capable of making good Tarantino movies. Even Tarantino is not always so successful under the best of conditions, but imagine if Tarantino fired Uma Thurman and hired Paris Hilton. Now imagine that Tarantino produced his entire film on DV for $100,000, counting everything. Than imagine Tarantino fired himself, and hired a complete neophyte to fill in as writer, director, actor, and several other functions. Now you have the idea.

    Here's the deal:

    A group of high school seniors chill out during the summer after graduation. They are basically spoiled rich kids whose parents live in mansions, but they have a craving for more thrills and more respect in life, so they basically become the drug lords for their ritzy suburb. It doing this, they adopt the attitude of urban street gangs, talk a lot of shit, and shoot anyone who even dares to look crosswise at them. The Hills becomes Da Hillz, and they become gangstas. They face rather different challenges from the typical urban gang. For example, one local cheerleader promises unlimited sexual utopia to the psychotic leader of the gangstas, in return for which he merely has to kill her rival for the head cheerleading spot.

    One of the guys is a top athlete and longs to escape from his loser friends through pro sports, but somehow he always ends up being drawn back into their circle, because they have a lot of power. For example, Sports Boy really wants to date a pretty underweight rich babe (Paris Hilton?), but she is totally in love with a snobby frat-boy fiancé who acts like Marmalard in Animal House, playing the role of sophisticated future Senator when he's around Paris, but talking all kids of trash behind her back. Sports Boy needs to get Paris from her fiancé's evil clutches, so he must turn once again to his ex-friends, the losers turned gangstas, who manage to handle the problem smoothly and efficiently by murdering the frat boy right in his frat house, along with several unfortunate frat brothers who were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

    The next day, when Sports Boy sees Paris, she says "somebody killed Todd last night, who could have done such a thing?". He admits he did it because he has loved her since the sixth grade, and she unexpectedly says, "that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I love you, too, Steve." I guess her period of grieving was brief, but deep. (Note, this entire scene, featuring Paris's Shakespearian performance, can be seen in the video clip below.)

     When one of the suburban gangstas is murdered in the course of their criminal adventures, Paris shows up for the funeral in ... well, I must say at least Paris had the good taste to show up with her nipples falling out of a black dress. When you get right down to it, how much more respect do the dead really need? After all, they won't notice.

    What about the parents of the victim, you ask? Won't they be shocked to see Paris using their son's wake to troll for studs? Funny thing about that. All these kids live in mansions and drive expensive cars, but we never see any of the parents who pay for those things. They are like the Peanuts gang. Except older, and better armed.

    All of this is obviously wrought with the author's tongue deep in his cheek, but is the film played out with the same gravitas as would accompany a gritty street drama about black drug gangs in Harlem or something.

    I just read back what I have written, and it doesn't sound that bad. In fact, it sounds sorta funny. It isn't. The exaggeration just really doesn't work as humor. The entire film just seems like a crazy crack-induced rage, and the tone is so consistently and brutally ugly that you won't really be aware of the underlying humor unless you think about what is happening. And you probably should not expect any lavish production values, either. The budget for the entire movie is said to have been $100,000.

    As for the acting, well, how good do you think the overall acting would be if the female lead is Paris Hilton and the total payroll for the entire cast is maybe $30,000? Do you have a general mental picture? It's not that good. As you all know, Paris really wants to be a star of some kind, and keeps trying to do something other than her major proven talent, which is to look beautiful, yet skanky, in expensive clothing. She's already been booed for her musical efforts, but I have to say that her singing couldn't be much worse than her acting. Let's just say that Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet need not fear a decreased workload as a result of Paris's entry into the acting field.

    Saran Barnun has no other credits at IMDb, but is credited as the director, writer, actor, producer, casting director, and music supervisor of this film, and I must admit that he does seem to be about equally qualified in all those professions.

    You can safely walk past this one when you spot it on the video shelves.

    Oh, and there is no nudity either.


    Dangerous Touch (1994)

    I looked at this one again because I previously reviewed the R-rated version, and it came to my attention that there is an unrated version which is 5 minutes longer.

    Dangerous Touch can be summed up as follows.

    Dean Wormer's girl plays a beautiful and really horny radio psychologist. Her best friend keeps warning her that indiscriminate sexual behavior will get her in trouble, but she ignores the warnings and continues to seek the sexy thrills. Enter superstud Richie Valens, who seems to want her for sexual adventures, but actually seduces her for a completely different reason - to blackmail her into giving up some privileged patient information that will enable him to get some revenge against the guy who played WoJo on Barney Miller. WoJo plays a powerful crime boss whose dirty dealings cost Richie Valens three years in the hoosegow.

    She won't play along with the confidential files, so all the gangsters start fucking each other over and fucking her over, and Richie Valens even has to kill the Wishmaster at one point. Guess what - that Wishmaster voice is not Divoff's real voice. I never realized it was artifically enhanced for those flicks. I just thought he was a nice, albeit creepy-lookin' Russian-American boy who could talk like Darth Vader.

    Richie Valens not only starred, but actually directed and wrote this film as well! A real Orson Welles, that boy. Well, it isn't half bad. It isn't Citizen Kane, but it doesn't try to be. He set out to make an erotic thriller with a lot of sex and a fairly good plot to move it forward.  Dangerous Touch is a satisfactory erotic thriller. On the thriller side, the film has enough twists and turns that I watched it at regular speed. On the erotic side,  it does not cheat on the sex and nudity. I have to conclude that Richie did a lot better than, for example, Soul Man did as the actor, writer, and director of "Hourglass".

    I would be a C as an erotic thriller were there no mitigating circumstances. Unfortunately, I had to bump it down to and F because Richie never sang "La Bamba", WoJo never had coffee with Fish, Wishmaster never granted one twisted wish, and Wormer's daughter did not release the Deltas from double secret probation.

    Beware the R-rated version. The unrated version has a lot more naughty bits, including a lengthy lesbian scene between Monique Parent and Kate Vernon. (Almost all of the extra exposure is Parent, not Vernon. I didn't see any unexpected images of Vernon, but the main picture in the first Parent collage is a new one to me. The R-rated version is 97 minutes long, while the unrated version runs approximately 102 minutes.)

    • Dean Wormer's kid (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
    • Monique Parent (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Here's info on the unrated version for a reasonable $12.95.


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    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
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    Jr's Polls
    To help keep the Oscar talk going for just a few more days, here is this week's poll...
    Best Oscar Winning Nude Performance

    Of the Best Actress Winners who showed nudity in their award winning roles, who gave the best nude performance? I think I've included every actress to show Oscar some skin. If I missed anyone, let me know.

    There are a couple on the list that push the definition of nudity, (Hunt's scenes were see-thru and partial, MacLaine's nudity was very brief, and Christie's was rear only) but it's my poll, so ppphhhtttt :-p

    Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
    The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004

    The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s

    The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s

    Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.

    Who has the best bum in Hollywood?

    Best All Time Television Comedy

    Email Scoopy Jr. with nominees, comments or suggestions.

    Crimson Ghost
    NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    First up from the Ghost today...

    'Caps and clips of B-movie and Skinemax babe Darcy DeMoss topless and gettin' it on in scenes from an episode of "Erotic Confessions". In clip #1 we also see some very brief pube and bum views.

    • Darcy DeMoss (1, 2, 3, 4)
    • Darcy DeMoss zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Next up, the Ghost joins the Griswolds on their "European Vacation".

    Jennifer Connelly
    (1, 2, 3

    Behold the all mighty Connelly in all her topless glory! Scenes from the 1996 movie "Mulholland Falls".

    Jennifer Love Hewitt
    (1, 2)

    HDTV 'caps of Hewitt showing some cleavage during a recent appearance on "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson".

    Lori Loughlin The former "Full House" star wearing a very lo-cut wedding dress and showing some parital breast views in scenes from her new series on the WB, "Summerland".

    Mariska Hargitay The "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" star looking great on Leno.

    Sarah Shahi
    (1, 2, 3)

    HDTV 'caps of the former Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders 2000 Swimsuit Calendar Covergirl topless in scenes from Sunday night's episode of "The L Word".

    Katherine Moennig Another HDTV 'cap featuring some toplessness from "The L Word".

    Kim Poirier
    (1, 2, 3)

    Johnny Moronic 'caps featuring scenes from the Canadian movie "Decoys" (2004). Poirier is topless in links 1 and 2 and looking kinda sexy in #3.

    Suranne Jones A crappy quality scan from a UK paparazzi is the UK TV presenter busting out of her top.

    Lillian Lydersen
    (1, 2, 3, 4)
    Eva von Hanno
    (1, 2)

    Marvin serves up some 'caps from the 1970 Norwegian movie "Balladen om mestertyven Ole Hřiland". Lillian Lydersen bares all 3 B's while Eva von Hanno shows most of her breasts in a hot tub scene.

    Paulina Gálvez
    (1, 2, 3)
    Marta Nieto
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

    Señor Skin 'caps from the direct-to-vid thriller "Face of Terror" (2003), starring Rick Schroder. Spanish cinema regular Gálvez is briefly topless in a love scene. Nieto shows off an amazing pair of breasts while posing for one of the Lone Gunmen from the "X Files", and then again in a shower scene.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Ankles Away! - Monday, a joyous Martha Stewart returned to work in Manhattan, conspicuously without her ankle monitor, and was greeted by cheering employees of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. She thanked them for their support and said she had the "tremendous privilege" of meeting a variety of people in prison and "learned a great deal about our country." She also said from now on, she'll share more credit with her employees, jokingly noting that she doesn't always do all her own ironing, but "I wish that I could. I love ironing."

  • Fortunately, lying about ironing is not a crime.
  • By "sharing the credit," she means she'll blame all future felonies on them.
  • It's nice to see that Americans are willing to give an ex-con a second chance.
  • She learned that prison workers get paid 11 cents an hour, so she's shifting all her factory work to the prisons.

    HH: "Hard To Handle" - The infamous size 69-HH silicone breast implant that former stripper Tawny Peaks put up for auction on eBay has sold. Peaks, now an unrecognizable homemaker, was sued by a man who claimed he was injured by her hard breasts, but a female bailiff on "People's Court" inspected them and found them to be soft, and Judge Ed Koch ruled they weren't dangerous. The implant sold for $16,766 to, the online casino that paid $28,000 for the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich.

  • Boy, if you had a breast implant with the Virgin Mary on it, you could get RICH!
  • They collect things that are both cheesy and mouth-watering.
  • There was one other serious bidder: the female bailiff.
  • She sold the other one on eBay for 16 bucks as a beanbag chair.

    Read My Lips: No Lip-Synching! - Chinese officials are debating a comprehensive new bill on arts and culture, and some are pushing for a law banning lip-synching unless a performer tells the audience first. Lip-synching is widespread in China, where the state sponsors arts and promotes bland, minimally-talented pop clones. Some radio and TV officials want lip-synchers treated like sellers of counterfeit merchandise.

  • But considering the entire Chinese economy is based on counterfeit merchandise...
  • This is bad news for all the bland, minimally-talented American pop clones who tour China.
  • Ashlee Simpson would be sent to a reeducation camp...but the reeducators would eventually give up.