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"Return to Horror High"

Return to Horror High (1987) is probably intended as a comedy parody of teen slasher films, but is too bad to work on even that level. As the film opens, we are led to believe that a movie crew has been slaughtered filming the story of a massacre that occurred in the same High School years before. Then we spend a confusing 95 minutes switching between flashbacks of the original crime, making of the film, the film being filmed, and the present investigation. Most of what we learn ends up not being true. I see my share of films, and have some skill in following them, and this one had me wondering which time period we were seeing about half of the time.

There was some nudity, including a couple of Unknowns, and breasts from Darcy De Moss and Joy Heston. The DVD transfer is very dark, 4/3, and not very well focused. IMDB readers say 3.1/10, and I will add to that a well deserved F.

  • Thumbnails

  • Darcy DeMoss (1, 2, 3)
  • Joy Heston (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • Unknown (1, 2)

    "Dani and Nico: Krámpack"

    Dani and Nico: Krámpack (2000) is a Spanish coming of age film about two best friends, both 17. Dani is wealthy, with liberal parents, and lives in a seaside resort. Nico, who has been his best friend for a long while, comes from Barcelona to spend time with him while his parents are vacationing in Egypt. During the day, a housekeeper and a female tutor are there, but at night, the boys are on their own. The film is based on a popular play named Krámpack, a term for mutual masturbation. This is something Nico and Dani engage in, but the two feel very differently. Nico considers it a convenient outlet until he can seduce a woman, while Dani discovers that Nico is all he ever wants.

    The two meet two girls their own age, and start double dating. The two girls, played by Marieta Orozco and Esther Nubiola are after the same thing the boys are that summer -- losing their virginity. Nico and Orozco become increasingly closer, while the relationship between Dani and Nubiola is strained at best. Dani even goes so far as to enter her after she passes out, but finds he has no real interest. Meanwhile, Nico and Orozco move inevitably toward losing their virginity together, and Dani realizes that Nico will never feel the same way about him. Orozco shows her breasts in the climatic love scene.

    The film opened to rave reviews and lots of awards on the festival circuit, and is now available on DVD in the original uncut version. I can't imagine that the MPAA would ever have given a rating which would have permitted a theatrical release. The film deals honestly and non-judgementally with teenage sexuality, both hetero and gay, and doesn't make value judgements. Though there are intense moments in the film, at the end of the day, they are teenagers, and life goes on. The film strikes a wonderful balance between the comic and the serious, and is elevated from the ordinary by great performances all around. Like most of the Spanish films I have seen, the cinematography and set decoration is wonderful (examples 1, 2, 3, 4). Ebert gives an enthusiastic 3 stars, IMDB readers say 7.5/10, high for a sub-titled film with a gay theme, and I have to give this one a B, but with a warning. If you are at all homophobic, you will not like this film. If the homosexual content does not put you off, I can't imagine you not enjoying this as much as I did. I look forward to Cesk Gay's next effort, as he certainly proved his talent directing this one.

  • Thumbnails

  • Marieta Orozco (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    The Beast is one of the strangest things ever filmed, centered around an 18 minute short about a woman raped by a guy in a bad gorilla suit with a cheesy wolf head, including graphic genital close-ups (human and other), and several money shots - from a beast with a penis the size of a Louisville Slugger!

    • Sirpa Lane (1, 2, 3)
    • Lisbeth Hummel (1, 2, 3)
    • Pascale Rivault (1, 2)
    • Sirpa and the well equipped "Beast" (1, 2, 3)

    Lost and Delirious. Basically a chick-flick for young girls, except that it has fairly explicit nudity. Perhaps that explains why it never found an audience. The girls who would have liked the movie couldn't get in because of the r rating. Tuna hit the highlight when he used the word "overwrought". Picture Wuthering Heights with teenage lesbians.

    The arithmetic IMDb rating of this movie is a mystery to me. The average score of all votes is 7.9, and the median is 8. 77% of all voters have voted seven or more, but the IMDb score, the "weighted average", is 6.5.

    IMDb says it has a special system which determines the rating by tossing out suspicious ballots. Get this, "to prevent abuse of the system, we do not disclose what the additional factors and calculations are." In other words, one additional factor might be a dartboard, and that may account for 99.99% of the score.

    To look at it another way, IMDB uses the Dean Wormer method, and puts all films on double top-secret probation!

    Tell you what, I don't know much about their method, but I understand arithmetic. There have been 307 votes. 108 of those votes were 10/10. Even if you arbitrarily throw out every one of the 10's (which are more than a third of the total votes), the mean is still 6.7 - more than the IMDb score!

    So let's re-word IMDB's message as follows "we can't disclose what our methods are, but we can reveal that the score has nothing whatever to do with your votes, or any type of mathematics"

    On the other hand, I suppose 6.5 is probably about the correct rating, not 7.9, so whatever method they used produced a sensible result.

    • Piper Perabo (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
    • Jessica Paré (the second image is a composite of two frames in an upward pan). Perabo has to carry the acting load in the movie, but Paré is a real doll. (1, 2)

    This movie only did something like $300,000 at the box, but might have been a financial success if there was a PG-13 version. My 15 year old daughter would love this movie, but I'm not going to let her watch it.

    Speaking of ratings, how important is a rating to profits? Pretty important. Today's silly list from IMDB - the only NC-17 films ever to top a million in domestic box in the 90's. (Showgirls was shown in the r-rated version in many theaters, so its numbers aren't accurate for NC-17 showings.) Of the films which were only shown in an NC-17 version, Henry and June is the only one to gross $10 million or more. 

    "Kids" made a profit. I don't know for sure if any others did. Click on titles to visit the IMDb page.

    Year Title Distributors


    1995 Showgirls United Artists    $20.3M  $45M
    1990 Henry & June Universal Pictures $11.6M  
    1995 Kids Shining Excalibur Films $7.42M $1.5M
    1999 Black and White Screen Gems Inc. $5.24M $10M
    1990 Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! Miramax Films $4.09M  
    1996 Crash Fine Line Features $3.17M $10M
    1996 The Pillow Book Cinépix Film Properties Inc       $2.29M  
    1992 Bad Lieutenant Aries Films $2M  
    1993 Wide Sargasso Sea New Line Cinema $1.61M  
    1994 Erotique Odyssey Films $1.11M  
    1991 Whore Trimark Pictures $1.01M  


    Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated

    Graphic Response
  • Elizabeth Peña, baring her very small breasts in a lengthy scene from 1990's "Jacob's Ladder".

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

  • Helvete
    Laurence Côte
    (1, 2)

    Breast exposure in scenes from the French movie "Je règle mon pas sur le pas de mon père"...aka "Walking in My Father's Footsteps" (1999).

    Sandra Speichert
    (1, 2)

    Topless in a shower scene (link #1) and a love scene (link #2) from "Profil bas" (1994).

    Christine Boisson Topless and brief rear nudity in scenes from "La Mécanique des femmes" (2000).

    Elisabeth Margoni Topless and bare bum views, both in plain view with good lighting from 1981's "Le Professionnel".

    Julie Durand Bare bum views from "Du poil sous les roses" (2000).

    Karyn Dwyer Nude, lesbian bodypainting in scenes from "Better Than Chocolate" (1999).

    Virginie Ledoyen As per tradition, Helvete closes out today's batch with one of his favorite actresses. Topless vidcaps from "Jeanne et le garçon formidable" (1998).

    The Babes in Bondage series continues....

    Kristin Norton
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    First up...this looks like it could be a bit on "The Man Show". Not only is she tied up and topless, but she's being terrorized by midget versions of Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy and the Wolfman in these scene from "The Creeps" (1997).

    Jewel Shepard
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Topless and in chains in scenes from "Caged Heat II: Stripped of Freedom" (1994).

    Unknown An unknown busty babe in bondage from "Cathy's Bike Bondage".

    Tanya Roberts
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Gorgeous vidcaps from the recently released "Sheena" DVD, by Penman. Excellent topless and rear nudity!

    Ahhh 80's cinema...Ya know, nothing says 80's like T and A beach movies. In that genre, "Hardbodies" is a classic. Complete with lame plot, bad acting, and lots and lots of gratuitous nudity.

    Each of these collages by Nicnac features at least one pair of bare breasts.

  • Cindy Silver
  • Darcy DeMoss
  • Jackie Easton
  • Juli Lawrence
  • Julie Always
  • Karen Lybrand
  • Kristi Somers
  • Leslee Bremmer (1, 2)
  • Teal Roberts
  • Tina Riccio

  • Unknowns Identified...
  • From The Sleuth...
    As for the unidentified models from "The Eyes of Laura Mars," the first link is ravishing Rita Tellone--a top model from the late ' 70s and early ' 80s who was "Gia" without the drugs. The second link has a bunch of nobodies, but the curly-haired blonde who flashes one breast on the middle right of the collage is Anna Anderson, a Scandanavian-born supermodel of the ' 80s. She was a kinda Karen Mulder without the mental breakdown and psycho ward. But enough about Gia...

  • "Hardcore" movie info
    A little trivia regarding this film.....the scene with two girls and one guy on the bed is an actual loop which is available in the Swedish Erotica archives. The red head is "Serena" (Serena Blaquelord) a porn veteran from the 70's who was also in the orgy scene in "10". The guy is Jamie Gillis, another porn veteran who is still active and her boyfriend at the time. The slender girl with them is unknown to me.


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  • Halle Berry says 'no titties for Bond, James Bond' A little 4-1-1 on all things Halle.

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