"A Zed & Two Noughts"

A Zed & Two Noughts (1985) is a Peter Greenaway film. His education was in fine arts, so it isn't a huge surprise that his films are far more about imagery than plot. Hence, I won't be giving away too much by giving the whole plot to this one. As the film begins, a car collides with a rare swan in front of the Zoo, and two women in the back seat are killed, while the driver loses a leg. The two dead women are wives of two brothers who are zoologists. They become obsessed with the death, and begin studying BBC tapes on evolution, and make their own time lapse films of increasingly more complex life forms decaying. They hope by understanding the decay process, they can come to grips with the death.

They begin a relationship with the driver of the car, and end up her lovers. It comes out that they were Siamese twins, and had not been that close after they were separated, but the experience, and the sexual relationship with the woman bring them ever closer together. The woman's doctor, who is more than a little strange, and is really a Vetinary surgeon, decides to take off her other leg as well. The zoo keepers are involved with shady dealings that include killing animals. A woman named Venus De Milo is a frequenter of the Zoo, has a thing for zebras, is a seamstress, and wants to be a published writer. She also believes she can help the two brothers by telling them stories.

As the brothers become closer, they want to be joined again. The surgeon refuses, so they have Venus De Milo sew them a double suit. The driver of the car becomes pregnant, and has twins. The plot leads inevitably to the point where the two brothers film their own death with time lapse to complete their decay experiment. SO what does this plot mean? Not much. The film is really about symmetry, duality, and death. We have a woman who loses both her legs, and we have a woman named after Venus De Milo, the armless woman to balance her out. We have twin brothers. The film begins with the death of the two wives, and ends with the death of the two brothers. Nearly every scene with the driver of the car is shot with near perfect symmetry.

You can expect two things from a Greenaway film, beautiful imagery and naked women. In this case, Frances Barber, as Venus De Milo, shows everything in a lengthy scene, and Guusje van Tilborgh shows her bush twice in short scenes. IMDB readers have this at 7.1 of 10. Many consider it one of Greenaway's best. I enjoyed the symmetry, and admit that it kept me watching, partly trying to make sense out of the plot. My impression is more good than bad, but I like his Pillow Book much more. Greenaway is a genre unto himself. If you don't like his work, this one probably won't win you over, so the correct score is C+.

  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails

  • Frances Barber (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
  • Guusje Van Tilborgh (1, 2, 3)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    • Updated volumes for: Gina Gershon, Jo Guest, Valeria Golino, Melanie Griffith, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Paz Vega, Daryl Hannah, Elizabeth Hurley
    • New volumes for: Susie Porter, Rosie Perez, Tatjana Patitz, Vanessa Paradis

    Other crap:

    What're the odds?


    Hey, it's never too early for football.

    Super Bowl XXXVIII: To win the 2004 Super Bowl


    Bet Selections Win Odds
    Philadelphia Eagles 5/1
    Tampa Bay Buccaneers 5/1
    St Louis Rams 6/1
    Oakland Raiders 7/1
    Pittsburgh Steelers 8/1
    Green Bay Packers 12/1
    Miami Dolphins 12/1
    New York Jets 12/1
    New York Giants 15/1
    Atlanta Falcons 15/1
    San Francisco 49ers 15/1
    Tennessee Titans 15/1
    Indianapolis Colts 15/1
    Denver Broncos 15/1
    New England Patriots 18/1
    New Orleans Saints 25/1
    Kansas City Chiefs 25/1
    Cleveland Browns 30/1
    Washington Redskins 35/1
    Dallas Cowboys 35/1
    San Diego Chargers 35/1
    Buffalo Bills 35/1
    Baltimore Ravens 40/1
    Minnesota Vikings 50/1
    Chicago Bears 50/1
    Seattle Seahawks 60/1
    Carolina Panthers 75/1
    Jacksonville Jaguars 75/1
    Arizona Cardinals 200/1
    Detroit Lions 200/1
    Cincinnati Bengals 250/1
    Houston Texans 250/1

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Happy Birthday

    Belated Birthday greetings to Fun House hero Abe Vigoda who turned 82 yesterday!

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    "The Final Victim" aka "Sacred Duty" is the latest Czechploitation straight-to-video by the director/writer team of Lloyd Simandl and Chris Hyde. This is Nikita with tits starring Rena Mero (former WWF female wrestler who posed for hefmag) as a special FBI agent investigating a murder at a Czech girls school run by Funhouse favorite Kira Reed. The movie has been released in the UK under the title "Girl Camp 2003: Chained Rage".

    NUDITY REPORT: Rena Mero shows full dorsal nudity. Kira Reed keeps her clothes despite having tons of lesbian sex. The bulk of the nudity is provided by the supporting Czech actresses, many full frontal.

    "Deadly Engagement" is another Simandl/Hyde straight-to-video action. Stars Olivier Gruner and czech actress Daniela Krhut as the husband and wife team trying to stop a irish-czech warlord from selling a nuclear bomb to arab terrorists. The warlord is also doing some white slavery on the side. Katerina Kornova (aka Katerina Korn) from Dark Confessions plays the head lesbian.

    NUDITY REPORT: Daniela Krhut shows braless pokies throughout and then full frontal in the shower. Other nudity by the supporting czech actresses. Katerina Kornova shows no nudity and has no lesbian love scenes.

    The two videos are only available from Europe in PAL format and the DVD is restricted to Region 2. Available from BENSONSWORLD.CO.UK or BLACKSTAR.CO.UK

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    It's a "Babe in Bondage Day for the "Hankster"

    For this one we took the time machine all the way back to 1972 and a women in prison flick called "Black Mama, White Mama".

    The "Babe in Bondage" is Alona Alegre and this poor girl has her tits tortured by electrical shocks and threatened by a knife.

    B-movie veteran Pam Grier was in this one, but we will get to her another day.

    'Caps and comments by RDO:


    Here are the remaining 'caps from "Death Ride to Osaka".

    • Jenny Dubasso (1, 2)
    • Jennifer Jason Leigh (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Grammy Stuff
    • Sheryl Crow, the recent Grammy winner showing some cleavage. (1, 2, 3)

    • Pink, who might want to change her name to "Chunk" since she sure has bulked up a bit in the past year. Here she is showing a little nipple in a semi-see-thru dress. (1, 2)

    • Kimberly Williams, the "Father of the Bride" star wearing a see-thru dress with some very nice nipplage. Why was she at the Grammys? She's engaged to country music singer Brad Paisley (the dorky dude she's with in this pic)

    Excellent collages of 'caps from one of our all time favorite B-movies..."Roadhouse"! Click here for reviews by Scoop and Tuna

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    The Nickelodeon - A movie theater in Friedburg, Germany, is trying a new approach to attract audiences to unpopular movies. Every two weeks, they hold a "Sneak Preview" night, the audience watches the movie first, and afterward, they pay what they think it was worth. The manager said he thought it would be a good way to bring in customers for films "that otherwise, no one would go and see," such as Gwyneth Paltrow's karaoke singer movie, "Duets." He said most patrons are very fair, and one even enjoyed a movie so much, he paid $15, which is more than the regular ticket price.

  • Incidentally, that movie was NOT "Duets."
  • Boy, there must've been a LOT of nudity!
  • If we did that here, George Clooney would be making minimum wage.
  • He could make even more money if he charged them to leave.
  • A theater that charges what the movie's worth? We have those in America. They're called "dollar theaters."

    Have You Met Miss Jones? - At last night's Grammy Awards, the soft classy jazz of newcomer Norah Jones beat all the big names, as she and her debut CD walked away with eight Grammys, from "Album of the Year" to "Best New Artist."

  • Best New Artist? Dang! The kiss of death!
  • Her songs had something that Grammy voters had never heard before: tunes.

    "What Do I Care About African Baseball?" - The big story that didn't happen was war protests. Matt Drudge claimed the Grammy Committee warned artists like Sheryl Crow to stick to music, and she did, aside from a "No War" guitar strap and a "Peace" bracelet. She told reporters that "nothing says peace like diamonds," apparently unaware of the African diamond wars.

  • That's okay: she bought these diamonds in France.
  • Sheryl thinks "Blood Diamonds" is the name of an old Joan Baez album.

    We're In Agreeance: That Was Extremely Limp - It took an hour and 45 minutes for the first political statement to be made, and it was rather timid. A spooked-looking Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit stammered, "I don't know about you, but I just really hope we are in agreeance that this war should go away as soon as possible."

  • Fred's right: we should use nukes.
  • We shouldn't be killing Saddam Hussein, we should be killing Fred Durst's English teacher.
  • Well, we're all in agreeance that Fred Durst should go away as soon as possible.
  • Why would Americans not want advice on how to deal with Muslim nations from the people who gave us, "It's gettin' hot in here! So take off all your clothes!"

    He Found Some Shady Investors - Eminem is launching his own clothing line at Macy's. It includes hooded sweatshirts, velour jogging suits and baggy jeans, with prices ranging from $25 for a T-shirt to $100 for outerwear. A spokesman for the maker of Eminem's "Shady" clothing line said, "Eminem has a very big part in designing this. He's a very particular guy when it comes to how fabrics feel and how they look."

  • Eminem replied, "Are you callin' me gay?"
  • Mostly, he just stole other people's designs and added to them a little bit.
  • He's also lined up a supplier for the clothes: Kmart.
  • It's the look that says, "I'm having a mid-life crisis."
  • Now, if you have enough money, you, too, will be able to dress like Detroit trailer trash.

    He Finished Him Off - Mike Tyson and Clifford Etienne's on-again, off-again, on-again fight ended anticlimactically Saturday with Tyson knocking out Etienne in just 49 seconds.

  • Mike didn't even have time to work up an appetite.
  • Etienne had worn out his right arm from constantly erasing and rewriting his appointment calendar.

    Fighting Paula Jones Didn't Prepare Her For This - On the undercard, Tonya Harding lost in her pro boxing debut to fellow novice Samantha Browning, by a split decision in the fourth. There was more wrestling and flailing than punching, and Harding said it was "much, much harder" than she expected, "but it only makes me want to work that much harder."

  • She's going to cut down to two packs of cigarettes a day.
  • Tonya lost because Samantha was wearing knee pads.
  • Next time, she'll fight someone she knows she can beat: Nancy Kerrigan.