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The Shepherd Border Patrol
(2008)
This is a straight-to-DVD Van Damme film in which the Belgian Chuck Norris,
working for the Border Patrol, illegally violates Mexican sovereignty in
pursuit of some drug lords, then single-handedly defeats an entire army of
renegade Special Forces operatives, and an entire Mexican jail full of
desperados, all while operating with no authority nor back-up on Mexican soil.
I have to admit that Jean-Claude Van Damme has surprised the hell out of me
and become a quite capable actor. Oh, he's not going to take any work away
from Kenneth Branagh, but he's gotten quite good at playing the type of roles
he gets, and he can still fight gracefully and forcefully even though he's a
very old-looking 47. He did an excellent job in his previous movie, Until
Death, which was a pretty damned (Dammed?) good straight-to-vid in which JC
played a complex anti-hero living in the real world. That film was good
enough, and he was good enough in it, that he seemed to be making some real
progress toward a comeback. The Shepherd Border Patrol is a significant
regression from that progress. This one is a reversion to his old style of
unrealistically noble and invulnerable hero living in a masturbatory fantasy
which vacillates between heroic violence and sappy sentimentality. The classic
example of the latter is that JC carries around a cute pet rabbit in memory of
his dead daughter. You see, the animal had been her beloved pet until she
overdosed on Mexican drugs. Now JC has sworn to protect the bunny while wiping
out the cartel responsible for those drugs.
I hear you snickering, but here's a tip for you wiseacres: don't make fun of his bunny unless your
medical insurance is paid up.
There's quite a bit of nudity during a party at a drug lord's hacienda, but
none of the women are identified.
Here is the film clip.
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OTHER CRAP:
Catch the deluxe
version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles,
here.
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Cannibals
(1980)
A scientist (Al Cliver) embarks by boat on a research trip with his wife
and young daughter. Cannibals board the boat, eat the wife alive, cut off
Cliver's arm, and take him to their camp. Then the chief finds the daughter
washed up on shore, and decides that she is the reincarnation of their
legendary blonde goddess. He brings her back to camp and, in the excitement,
Cliver gets away. Cut to years in the future. Cliver recovers from his amnesia
and amuses the group who financed his last trip with wild tales of cannibals.
They decide to fund and conduct a rescue mission for the laughs. The laugh is
on them when the cannibals not only prove to be real, but still like eating
their food while its alive.
The blonde goddess, Sabrina Siani, has now grown into a beautiful topless
young woman, and his married to the new chief (son of the old chief). She
likes her gig, thinks the strong young chief is pretty good in bed, and is not
thrilled about the prospect of being rescued and shipped to New York. The
nerdy scientist, who has been in bed for years recovering and only has one
arm, must fight the virile young chief for her.
The film was directed by Jess Franco, from a script by Franco and Jean
Rollin, who is kind of the French Franco. Those are good credentials for an
exploitation film, but this one is a disappointment. The cannibalism amounts
to painted actors chewing on raw steak on the opposite side of a screaming
woman, and the nudity could have been much better and much more extensive.
IMDb: 3.5
Lina Romay shows a breast being eaten alive.
Sabrina Siani shows breasts and buns.
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Notes and collages
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There are some interesting clips today:
You know Hsu Chi (Shu Qi). She plays the gorgeous Chinese woman who gets
transported in The Transporter. You can see more of her here in a film clip from
Iron Sister.
Here are some film clips of three women in the uncut version of Robotrix:
Chikako Aoyama,
Amy Yip, and
an unknown. If you like
exploitation films, this is very good stuff. The scene with the unknown is
incredibly explicit by the standards of Hong Kong Cinema. It not only includes
full frontal female nudity, but the woman gets her legs pulled open on camera
and she gets fucked brutally.
A film clip of the completely adorable
Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith in Cinderella. She was one of the queens of 1970s
exploitation fare, but heroin killed her career and led to hepatitis, which in
turn took life before her time. She had been gone from films for twenty years
when she died, but was still only 47 at the time. In fact, although her career
seems to be in the distant past, she was only 16 when she started acting in
movies, so she would be only 52 if alive today!
A clip of Edwige Fenech
in Un Delitto Poco Comune. This was Edwige's last film, made more than
twenty years after her debut, but she was just one of those lucky women that
just keeps getting more beautiful as she ages, as Salma Hayek has done in our
time, and as Elizabeth Hurley seemed to do for many years. Fenech was 40 in this
film, but her face looks spectacular.
A clip of Erika Marozsan in
Gloomy Sunday
A clip of Francesca Annis in Macbeth.
This film was directed by Roman Polanski! Francesca was always one of my
favorites. I would call her the Alex Kingston of her time: classy, sexy
and glamorous, but also a trained classical actress.
Former Playmate of the Year Brande Roderick in Life of a Gigolo
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